Black Horizons; 3116; Recollection Rag

Now you just come on in, you can set right over here, now you give me your coat, and I'll get some refreshment. You know, when I'd get home from Oak Park, all I wanted to do was what I wanted to do for a change, and sometimes I'd be too tired for that. So I'd just cuddle up with Old Jack. What's Jack your husband? No, Clinton was my husband's name. Mrs. Susan, stimulating, reliable. What do you drink, honey? Well, when I do take a drink, it's generally cream -sharing. Uh -huh. Harvest. See, I just can't handle the hard stuff. Makes me crazy. What's girl, when I was younger, you just can't imagine. I can, I can. You know, Samuel used to get so upset with me, especially at

Thanksgiving, you see the whole family would be around. Uh -huh, and I used to like the spike, the egg nod, okay. Well, you know, of course I had to taste it to make sure it was right, so I taste. Then I taste. Next thing you know, I'm walking through the door with the biggest grin in anybody's egg nods. Uh -huh, honey. Why the water's boiling? How about a little jack on the rocks? Oh, my goodness. I'm so busy running my mouth. Oh, that's okay. It's been so long since I had a guess. Why don't you just go ahead and turn on that television? Oh, thank you. Mm -hmm. Just in time. You know, I used to, I'm linen while I watch TV. I never missed a word. Here you go. I hope it's okay. I toast. Health. And the sense of humor. You know, it took a sense of humor working

for those people in their homes all day long. They didn't have nothing to do. Always stirring up trouble. That's none of your business. Always men. You know, they're bored. You know, man wasn't meant for too much leisure. Struggle is good. It keeps life interesting. Struggling can kill. I know. Depend on the struggle, I think. Well, Clinton struggled all his life. Struggling to keep a job. Struggling to keep the kid in school. Shoot. He retired four years ago from the railroad. And a year after he retired, he was dead. See what I mean? No struggle, no life. Maybe it wasn't the struggle that killed him. Maybe it was the retirement. Yeah, well, he just laid around, dried up. One day you're useful. Next day you're too old, too old to work. What's nothing wrong with them now? How blood pressure was all damn there? Everybody's got that. You hear what she said? Jason's got it. And a heart condition and an ulcer to boot. And he's

six to nine and running the law firm. Six to nine. Now tell me, what would you like for lunch? Well, what you got? Well, I got some really nice tuna salad. And I got some chicken salad. And of course I have some co -cuts. That all? Well, you know, I could run to the grocery store. Oh, not again. This ain't old park. This ain't old park. Tuna is fine. Well, not for me. Well, you had it in the house. Must have been okay. Well, you told my guest I should have something nice. Well, you didn't know you were going to have a guess for lunch on salsa security. Shoot. I know what you make on retirement. Well, I put away a little something for a rainy day. And tuna is fine. If having a guess for lunch makes for a rainy day, then you and I heep of trouble. Tuna. All right. We'll have the tuna. How long you been keeping a diary? This time, tuna. Next time, we're going to

have steak. Looks good. You got any crackers? Well, no, but I can run right now. No need. No need. I'm so embarrassed. I'm so unprepared. The child don't apologize. You didn't know you were going to have a guess for lunch? Well, I live by my own standards. I'm used to the finer things. And so am I. I work for 30 years around the finest furniture, around the finest linen, and they would eat the finest food that I cooked. Well, if you don't like my tuna, you don't have to eat it. Look, I didn't ask to come here. I do have a home. Well, no, I'm sorry. It's not your fault. Yes, it is. I accepted your invitation for lunch. And I invited you because I wanted to have you. You invited me because you were lonely. You said so yourself. You ain't had a guess 10 years. I didn't say that.

I said it had been a long time. Show. Oh, and I suppose your calendar is full. Oh, a luncheon at the Conrad Hilton or perhaps maybe even a fashion show. Hardly. I see teaching has made you condescendant. And serving has made you too compromising. You know, anything of any importance that has happened in my life is written here. I read my diary every day just to remind myself I have lived. I can't remember half of the things. It grows less and less personal. Can't remember some of the stuff. Is that T -rated yet? Oh, my goodness. If you apologize one more time, I'll get it.

You know, I stopped entering after Sam passed away. You know, I stopped living then. Nothing seemed to turn me on anymore. It's not easy being turned on at our ages. I have a diver, too. You do? Yep, my life could have been a book the things that happened to me. Like what? Oh, you wouldn't be interested. Too personal. Nothing like a good book. That's what I always say. That's what you say now. What did you say 30 years ago? 30 years ago? 30 years ago, I thought there was nothing like a good piece. You know, I can say it now and not even blush. Who's the care? Shame fades with age and you see through the facade of morality more clearly now. When I read my

diary, it's like reading about somebody else's life. He grows less and less personal. I really can't remember some of it. Oh, I'm sorry. That's all right. I still hide mine. I don't know why. You know, I'm afraid somebody, Mike break in and steal it. I don't mind if they take my jewelry or my clothes but my diary. That's my life. There might be a fire. Well, you're here now. Yes, I'm here. And your diary? It's here, too. You mean you carry it around? Everywhere I go. You want some tea? Oh, yes, please. Now, here's old Jack.

You know, I'll think I'll try some of that. Oh, that's right. Yes, in my tea. That's right. I'm not in my tea. That's right. Live a little. I really did use to drink the hard stuff. Is this a confession? No, I'm just thinking out loud. I bet you think a lot. Your diary looks kind of fat. You know, I want to apologize for my behavior earlier. Sometimes I'm just a little too sensitive. Well, I'm a little edgy myself these days. You know, I'm afraid all the time. Well, of what? Well, I'm afraid of being destitute and alone. I don't want to go to no nursing home. Well, you mentioned something about a daughter. Oh, Julia? She wouldn't have me. Might mess up that wonderful home of hers. I'm sure she married a doctor, you know. She sent me money from time to time, but I don't want blackmail money.

I'm sure she doesn't feel that way. I know what I'm being bought off. Shoot, the things I did. So she could meet that doctor of hers. Clinton was a way of work. Working a double shift. And he was trying to make enough money so she could go to the University of Chicago. Oh, she had to go there. She could have went to another school. Anyhow, Clinton wired me to tell me that the union had voted to go on strike. There was no way he was going to make enough money to send her there for her first year. So what happened? Did you get the money? Oh, she got into school, all right. She didn't care how. Clinton wanted to know how. It spoiled her. Did everything for her. She didn't have to go to the University of Chicago.

Well, when he found out how I got the money, well, I didn't do it for her. I did it for him. What? What did you do to get the money? I sold some stocks. What difference does it make? Did you write about it? Well, yes, I did. Well, then it does matter. You don't have to talk about it. It's too painful. I understand. You understand what? You ain't never had a child. How do you know how I feel? I can imagine. There are some things you have to live through to know anything about. Not you, nobody else knows how I feel. Can I understand it? I'm still paying for it. You know, I kind of like old Jack. Maybe if I watch my pennies, I just might be able to keep him around all the time. What happened to Havis? No stimulation? No virility? No balls? Havis is deceitful. Now, old

Jack here, he gives it to you straight. Sam and I weren't happy. Yeah, I pretend that we were. When he died, we weren't even living together. I tried to cry. I couldn't. There was nothing to cry about. Well, he was your husband? Oh, in name only. Man, I'm so morally lopsided. That's the truth. A wife is a thing to have and to keep. I flesh and blood with feelings. You know, he wouldn't talk to me. Just read the paper. For years, the man just read the paper and he watched that damn television. Is that why you didn't have any children because he read the paper? Oh, this is my mother. I think she loves me.

Don't you? People said I used to look a lot like her. Well, anyway, they used to say that. We're getting just like suits. Well, if the whole story is in there, must make a rainy day seem like a sauna. Oh, it's not so bad. Pain subsides with time. You know, I can hardly remember what it feels like. But you were feeling something a minute ago since you never said why you never had children and why he just read the paper. Why do you want to know? You don't care. You don't even know me. True, true, but we were just talking. You know, you really haven't told me anything. You mentioned something about your daughter and college and your husband working a double shift and something about some money. Okay, now, you tell me about this

money. You just got to know, don't you? Yes. You could take my word for it. It was deep. Yes, but I would know exactly what it was. That was deep or just how deep it was. It's too personal. Well, you must wanted to talk about it. Not that. You were the one who brought it up. We were talking, just talking. My life is not an open book for everyone knows it busy about it to read. No, that's right, Mrs. Ames. Your life, like mine, is a closed book. A book we open separately and secretly and see that we might be discovered for who we really are and make no mistake about it. We are the sum total of our experiences. It is as much a part of history as the Chicago Fire. I'm not going to apologize for having a history.

Yes, but history only matters is if there's someone there to remember it. You know, there's no one alive now who knew me then. So why did I keep an account of it? Because I wanted it remembered been so long, now I can hardly remember. It's different with me. My daughter, she's a constant reminder that time. So the two of you, you talk about it. Well, obviously, we don't talk about anything that was. So when you go, it goes with you, like you never even existed. I'm not going for a while yet. I'm too honored. I'm her mother. I brought her into this world whatever she is I paid for. And she has the nerve to go to a doctor, just like these people on TV.

Doctor, I'm so depressed. Just because her mother was a, well, she's got a lot in common. Only what's tween our legs. Oh, that is so crude. But true. We've been talking a lot. Well, and about the wrong thing, I guess. That's right. It's not good to stir up old memories. Well, then how about some new memories? Let's see. Last week, I went to a church so children, I got stoned on Friday. And thou shalt not do this. And thou shalt not do that. And I thought to myself, I did this. And I did that. But you won't never know. You know the, uh, the King James

lounge up on up for the third language. Now, I don't know if I should disclose such knowledge. I plead the fifth. Well, I stopped in there one night. Guys, it's ancient history. Oh, just last week. Okay, go on. Well, I felt like drinking. So I drank and I drank, but I couldn't get drunk. I didn't have enough money. So I said to myself, I am old a good time. So I pretended to be drunk. Everybody knows me in there and said the owner had a young man escort me home to protect my reputation, try to protect the fact that I didn't have no money. Love. I enjoyed that. Well, that's it. That's all.

Oh, well, these new memories, they sure fun. What a lovely idea. Who are we falling? We have no life. There is no future. You're just two old ladies with our little books, just seeing your citizens waiting to die. I want to live, Lou. I want to live. Now you tell me the truth. What turns you on now? A little disco? Are you crazy? Okay, well, Jackson. Not like you used to. What do you get now? Well, I know I can only speak for myself, but when you were telling me about you, I was more

than interested, you know, and I think you were too. You know, I know that I was when you were telling me about you. You better go back to Hobbes. Why don't I? I got you out. You know, why don't we exchange our past? People do it all the time. I can't talk about it, and you can't neither. Too deep. Yes. But I can read about it. Your past, I mean. Read. Oh, read. I get you. So you want to read my diary. Read my diary. How low can you go? And you can read mine. So that's what all the noise and about, the past and everything. You expect me to believe that this was all unintentional or fake as you put it? Well, it just turned out that way. I didn't know you kept a diary. How could I

possibly know a thing like that? I'm in that exchange every month. And I am too, but I don't remember ever seeing you before. What about you? Do you ever remember seeing me before? Seeing? There you have it. Look, Lou, my life has slowly been whittled away until there's not very much left. Except a few trips to the grocery store. As you can see, very few these days. Sure, when you told me you kept a diary it sparked my interest. The thought of what was in that book. You know, your diary is the only book I can't buy in a store. And Lord knows I haven't felt excitement like that news. Now, are you going to tell me that that is so bad? Well, you are aware that an exchange of this

sort could be dangerous. I mean, I will be, will be, laying our lives on the line, so to speak. And I don't know if I'm ready for that. Well, what are you ready for? Something you can stack the deck against predict will happen. I stack the deck whenever I get a chance. I mean the survival. Well, the deck is stacked. Your life is stacked. You know everything and when it's going to happen except when it's your time to go. Do you know I know everything about you? I knew you knew me. I don't know you. And that's the pity. What I know about you is due to the fact that you get a social security check like I do. So I know what you can't afford to do. So I know what you do. You are clever. But then again, you were a teacher, a

manipulator of minds. Yes. I am clever. I'm so cultured, so retired, so dead like you. You know we just haven't laid down yet. We're in the same boat you and I. Everybody I know is dead. I want to know somebody. Really, really know somebody and I'm willing to do what I've never done before. Just what is it that you haven't done before? I'm willing to expose myself. Let someone else in. Let someone else know me. Well, I must admit the risks are pretty even. Provided you could trust the other person. Provided

the other person is honest. My diary. My life. It's my guarantee of truthfulness. Well, my diary. It's my life. It's my. Some tuna and tea, Mrs. Ames. Your life will be in my hands. Mrs. Walthrough. And yours in my hands. I've never held someone's whole life in my hands before. Not even my own families. You know they have this down at Woolworth. You must have caught that same sale. I am ready for my tuna and tea now, Mrs. Walthrough. It's a deal, Mrs. Ames.