Living the Last Days

<v Patrick Everhart>So I'm going to die, I'm going to die. I'm going to be comfortable. <v Patrick Everhart>I don't want to be in pain. <v Alfred Dodd>He came right out and said you have pneumocystis pneumonia. <v Alfred Dodd>And I asked him what that was and he said AIDS. <v Kathleen Donehy>I've heard a few comments from various residents saying like God, we're <v Kathleen Donehy>so glad to have people who want to look after us. <v Bernie Costonola>I think your time will be soon. <v Bernie Costonola>What do you think? <v Bernie Costonola>You hope so? I think you hope is going to be realized real soon. <v Chris Brownlie>To me, our emphasis is not on the on <v Chris Brownlie>the dying. It's on the living of the last days. <v narrator>Chris Brownlie Hospice lies in the hills of Elysian park near downtown Los <v narrator>Angeles. It opened on the day after Christmas in 1988.

<v narrator>It has 25 beds, a staff of 40 and many volunteers <v narrator>and all of its residents have AIDS. <v narrator>They also have families and friends and loved ones and unfinished business. <v narrator>They have every reason to care about life, but none of them has more than a few months to <v narrator>live. They have turned away from aggressive medical treatments, choosing <v narrator>to die perhaps a little sooner than they might at a hospital. <v narrator>But with dignity and in peace. <v narrator>Already, more Americans have died of AIDS than were killed in the Vietnam War, <v narrator>and the annual toll is expected to increase steadily. <v narrator>Our story covers a month in the spring of 1989. <v narrator>It is set in a world where life and death go hand in hand. <v narrator>Here, AIDS withers dreams and mocks ambition, but it also <v narrator>unlocks courage, compassion and love and sometimes brings

<v narrator>new richness of experience and understanding. <v narrator>Bernie Costonola, a Franciscan priest, is Brownlie's social worker. <v narrator>Today, he is meeting for the first time with Everett Wooden, who came to the hospice <v narrator>three days ago. <v narrator>Everett was a school teacher in Los Angeles for 13 years and then went into the <v narrator>restaurant business. <v narrator>He learned a year ago that he had AIDS. <v narrator>Within six months he had become too ill to work. <v narrator>At first, he pursued medical treatments to prolong his life. <v narrator>But now he's changed his mind. <v Everett Wooden>I just said, I don't want to do this. I dont want to live this kind of life.

<v Everett Wooden>I'd rather die. <v Bernie Costonola>What was it that moved you in that direction? <v Everett Wooden>I just got to the point where I just couldn't stand the feeling any longer of just <v Everett Wooden>being pumped full of all of this stuff. <v Everett Wooden>I know that it was supposedly designed to help me, but <v Everett Wooden>I was getting well, not necessarily weaker, but I was just <v Everett Wooden>I was not myself by any means. <v Everett Wooden>And I developed like a Parkinsonian state where he was shaking and so on, like <v Everett Wooden>that and drooling and everything. <v Everett Wooden>And it was just a reaction to all the different drugs. <v Everett Wooden>And I had IV's in both arms and if you had to go to the bathroom. <v Everett Wooden>It was always a hassle. <v Everett Wooden>And I just decided that I didn't. I knew that if this was going to be a regular part of <v Everett Wooden>my life, that I wasn't going to live that way. <v Everett Wooden>I just couldn't live that way. <v Bernie Costonola>Everett is he lets you in and he let you close and lets you know

<v Bernie Costonola>and he's wanting to cry or afraid. <v Bernie Costonola>I think he's going to be someone that we get really attached to. <v narrator>Every week Brownlie's staff meets to discuss the residents. <v Vick Pimento Habib>I stopped by his room. He asked me. <v Vick Pimento Habib>He said, when I was walking by, do you talk about death before we die? <v Vick Pimento Habib>I said, Yeah. That's a lot of what we do. <v narrator>Vick Pimento Habib is the bereavement counselor at the hospice. <v Vick Pimento Habib>I really sense he's finishing his business with all his relationships. <v Vick Pimento Habib>And he said to me, my ex-wife is coming in tomorrow and he did have a concern about how <v Vick Pimento Habib>long will it be. He said, do you know, is it is it a surprise or can you tell? <v narrator>A week has passed and though Everett's condition seemed stable when he arrived, it <v narrator>is now suddenly worsened. <v Kathleen Donehy>He said Friday before I went off, I'm going to try and be gone by <v Kathleen Donehy>Sunday. I'm going to will myself. <v Kathleen Donehy>And he's doing a really good job of it. I mean, within two days, he's really, really <v Kathleen Donehy>deteriorated.

<v Bernie Costonola>How are you feeling? <v Bernie Costonola>Do you have any pain? <v narrator>Kathleen Doheny is Brownlie's head nurse. <v Kathleen Donehy>Within this hospice is the first one that I've come across. <v Kathleen Donehy>That's really willed himself. <v Kathleen Donehy>Even more people I've seen them will themselves, but they lose it after a day or two. <v Kathleen Donehy>They they can't continue it. But he's really carrying it through. <v Kathleen Donehy>He's determined. And I think why he can do it so well is because he's so <v Kathleen Donehy>ready for it. And he's at total peace. <v Bernie Costonola>Are you ready? You think for yourself. <v Bernie Costonola>To let yourself go? <v Bernie Costonola>You want to die? <v Everett Wooden>Yea. <v Bernie Costonola>That feels okay in here for you. <v Everett Wooden>Yeah. <v Kathleen Donehy>You can't wait, Everett, can you? <v Bernie Costonola>Everett, when you think about dying, what kind of feelings do you <v Bernie Costonola>have? Is it okay? Is it scary?

<v Bernie Costonola>Is it peaceful or a mixture? <v Bernie Costonola>All of the above. <v Bernie Costonola>I think your time will be soon. <v Bernie Costonola>What do you think? <v Bernie Costonola>You hope so? I think your hope is gonna be realized real soon. <v narrator>By the next day, Everts is close to death. <v narrator>Staff members visit him frequently. <v narrator>Ever. But he no longer responds to them. <v Bernie Costonola>Are you having pain? <v Bernie Costonola>His breathing is a irregular. There'll be times when he stops breathing for <v Bernie Costonola>a moment. Then he starts again. <v Bernie Costonola>He's in that in-between. It's hard to even describe what he's at right now, except <v Bernie Costonola>for he's just waiting. To not breathe, I think. <v Bernie Costonola>Can you hear me?

<v Bernie Costonola>Can you hear me? <v narrator>During the night, 11 days after arriving at the hospice, Everett Wooden <v narrator>died. <v narrator>AIDS ran its course more quickly with Everett than it usually does. <v narrator>On the average, people with AIDS survive two years after their diagnosis before <v narrator>succumbing to a complex of wasting, multiple infections, and cancers. <v narrator>Sometimes the disease attacks their minds as well as their bodies. <v narrator>Drugs may prolong their lives, but none has yet been able to save them. <v narrator>The founders of Brownlie Hospice intended as a model of care for people in the final <v narrator>stages of AIDS. The hospice tries to make the last weeks of life as comfortable <v narrator>as possible for its residents and to help family members and loved ones deal <v narrator>with their loss.

<v narrator>The hospice is named for Chris Brownlie, a gay political activist who has AIDS. <v narrator>Early in 1987, Brownlie had an attack of AIDS related pneumonia and lay <v narrator>on a gurney in an admitting ward at Los Angeles County Hospital for three days because <v narrator>no bed was available. <v Bernie Costonola>In some ways, this was a little moment as one person's little struggle with AIDS. <v Bernie Costonola>But it but it, you know, acquired a certain kind of significance because of the time <v Bernie Costonola>in which it happened and the particular conjuncture of forces that were around at the <v Bernie Costonola>time. <v narrator>Brownlie and a group of fellow activists had been protesting the poor quality of care for <v narrator>people with AIDS. His experience gave a new urgency to their work. <v narrator>Within months, they had started an organization called the AIDS Hospice Foundation. <v narrator>Brownlie Hospice is its first facility. <v narrator>Most of the funding for launching the hospice came from state and local governments, <v narrator>which understood its economic advantage. <v narrator>Care at Brownlie costs $200 a day as opposed to a thousand dollars a day

<v narrator>at a hospital. <v narrator>In the two and a half months since the hospice opened, 19 residents have died, <v narrator>but few welcomed death, as Everett Wooden did. <v narrator>And the real day to day business of the hospice is living, not dying. <v Kathleen Donehy>Walk into the frame, Robert, before you. <v narrator>Robert Childs, head of collections at UCLA Museum of Cultural History, <v narrator>was working until he entered the hospital six weeks ago for tests. <v narrator>The hospital discharged him to Brownlie. <v narrator>He came here a week before Everett, gravely ill, unable to walk and mentally <v narrator>confused. But he has gradually improved. <v narrator>And now questions whether he really belongs here. <v Robert Childs>As a place, it's gorgeous, the staff is wonderful. <v Robert Childs>The food is extraordinarily good, but I want out <v Robert Childs>as soon as possible. I want to be out on the street. <v Robert Childs>This, after all, as wonderful it is as it is,

<v Robert Childs>is a dying house. And it <v Robert Childs>it just has a bad connotation to me. <v Robert Childs>You know, the last, I gather two or three weeks, six people <v Robert Childs>who died and that <v Robert Childs>they came somewhat as a shock when I found out about that today. <v Robert Childs>I mean, I knew, you know, that has to happen. <v Robert Childs>But it's one thing to know that it has to happen. <v Robert Childs>Another thing to see it happen. <v narrator>Most residents are not as reluctant as Robert to accept being at the hospice. <v narrator>The majority come here knowing they will stay and they make few plans. <v narrator>Rich Kushner is Brownlie's medical director. <v narrator>He trained in San Francisco during the early days of the AIDS epidemic. <v narrator>He takes two days of each week away from his private practice to come to the hospice. <v narrator>And today he is seeing a 25 year old man who has just arrived and is having trouble <v narrator>sleeping.

<v Rich Kushner>Patrick. Hi. I'm Dr. Kushner. <v Rich Kushner>What do you think is keeping you up the most? <v Rich Kushner>You know, just a change in environment again and...? <v Patrick Everhart>No, it's a mental thing of having AIDS. <v Rich Kushner>Uh huh, uh huh. And, you, and you've had problems sleeping for a while? <v Patrick Everhart>I- I. All the time. <v Rich Kushner>OK. It's not the foot pain, though. That's keeping up. <v Rich Kushner>You know-. <v Patrick Everhart> It's that and it's everything. <v Rich Kushner>Ok, because maybe if we get that under control and some other things. <v Patrick Everhart>And then I tried to kill myself. I went through a big mess with that. <v Rich Kushner>When was that? <v Patrick Everhart>About a month ago. <v Rich Kushner>This is why you were in one of the hospices? <v Patrick Everhart>No, this is when I was home. <v Rich Kushner>This is when you're at home, uh huh. <v Patrick Everhart>I couldn't sleep. <v Rich Kushner>OK, now I can give you something stronger. <v Rich Kushner>I don't want to psych you out, though, either. <v Rich Kushner>But I mean, if you just get a couple. <v Patrick Everhart>That's what I want to be, I want to be zonked out, I need to be zonked out. <v Rich Kushner>All the time or just at night? <v Patrick Everhart>Just at night, zonked out, you know? <v narrator>Patrick Everhart has been in and out of various facilities. <v narrator>Lately, he'd been living with his mother, but when she had to rent out a room in her

<v narrator>apartment to make ends meet, she found that nobody wanted to share quarters with a man <v narrator>with AIDS. And so she arranged for Patrick to move to Brownlie. <v Patrick Everhart>They expect me to go downstairs and eat in the morning and I get up and I'm nauseated and <v Patrick Everhart>I'm dizzy because I haven't had enough sleep. <v Patrick Everhart>You know? <v Rich Kushner>So you're getting up later. <v Patrick Everhart>That's what it's from, no sleep. I keep te- I keep telling these doctors I see <v Patrick Everhart>something mental is gonna go wrong, I'm going to get dementia or something. <v Patrick Everhart>I'm gonna drive myself crazy. <v Rich Kushner>OK. Alright, we'll break that cycle. That seems to be one thing that's really bothering <v Rich Kushner>you. That hasn't been addressed and then we can move on from there. <v Rich Kushner>Interesting enough. This is his according to him. <v Rich Kushner>Third hospice placement. <v Rich Kushner>From what I can gather, one of the hospice is obviously closed. <v Rich Kushner>And then another one from what he told me that <v Rich Kushner>he was kicked out or didn't get along with the people. <v Rich Kushner>I don't know whether there was anything dealing with substance abuse or or other things.

<v Bernie Costonola>He told me what it was. He was saying he used to hustle and he <v Bernie Costonola>had brought this out to one of the people from the hos- at the hospice. <v Bernie Costonola>And for that reason, they said they just pushed him away. <v Rich Kushner>Even though he wasn't behaving in that form in the hospice? <v Bernie Costonola>Just because of what he had done, which is his- which <v Bernie Costonola>is his way. You know why he thinks he's sick to how he thinks he got it. <v Bernie Costonola>But he said, as soon as I let people know this about me, they just turned their backs on <v Bernie Costonola>me. <v Kathleen Donehy>He's had, three- tens attempts. <v Kathleen Donehy>Suicide. <v Rich Kushner>That's another thing that's come forward, that he's had some suicidal attempts. <v Rich Kushner>He's not demented. <v Rich Kushner>He's pretty clear. <v Rich Kushner>He's apparently ambulatory. <v Kathleen Donehy>He's ambulatory. He's quite lethargic. <v Kathleen Donehy>He's like basically we just want to say he's wasting away in there in his room smoking, <v Kathleen Donehy>we need to watch him smoking. <v Kathleen Donehy>Burned many blankets now with Patrick. <v Kathleen Donehy>And he needs plenty of encouragement to get up.

<v Kathleen Donehy>Come downstairs and mix in with the rest of the residents. <v narrator>A week has passed and Robert Childs has gained strength. <v narrator>He's replaced his walker with a cane. <v Robert Childs>The cane is enormously liberating. <v Robert Childs>I can climb stairs, for instance, which <v Robert Childs>absolutely is impossible with a walker. <v Robert Childs>And it just frankly looks more elegant than a walker. <v Bernie Costonola>So why don't I have ginger touch base with you? <v narrator>Robert has now told the staff that he intends to leave the hospice. <v Bernie Costonola>You're thinking about what your goal is that you'd like to... <v Robert Childs>Go back to my apartment. <v Bernie Costonola>You need to talk with your physician about that. <v Robert Childs>And then I want to go back to work at UCLA <v Robert Childs>so I can profitably work <v Robert Childs>there right now, because uh,

<v Robert Childs>I don't have to move around. I can do all the work that I would do <v Robert Childs>sitting down. <v Robert Childs>It just would be easier if I could move around a little more. <v Bernie Costonola>I will be the first one sprung from here. <v Robert Childs>Really? <v Bernie Costonola>I mean out the front door. Yes. <v Robert Childs>The front door. Yeah. <v Bernie Costonola>Yeah. <v Robert Childs>Great. Great. Love to establish records like that. <v Bernie Costonola>You'd be like a pioneer. <v Bernie Costonola>Now, my question is this. <v Bernie Costonola>I really believe that as much as he's alert and intelligent <v Bernie Costonola>and pointed, that he is a dementia progressing. <v Bernie Costonola>And I think that that's clouding his ability to really <v Bernie Costonola>set realistic goals and objectives for himself. <v Bernie Costonola>Every once in a while you just see this change and this euphoria. <v Bernie Costonola>It's almost a little bit like a manic depressive, you know, type of a syndrome. <v Bernie Costonola>And then he starts laughing and he's such a happy, such a beautiful person. <v Bernie Costonola>However, I think I'd like to have him nipped in the bud

<v Bernie Costonola>if he is indeed not gonna be able to go home and not gonna be able to go back to work. <v Rich Kushner>I haven't wanted to take away his denial. <v Rich Kushner>He has said to me things when I've spoken to him. <v Rich Kushner>Boy, you're really doing better. You're you're you're you're using the walker. <v Rich Kushner>You've moved upstairs. That's great. <v Rich Kushner>And he'll look at me and he'll say, you damn right, because I want to get out <v Rich Kushner>of here. And that's why I'm fighting. <v Rich Kushner>Now, I still haven't, you know, that kind of <v Rich Kushner>feistiness I'm not going to argue with. <v Bernie Costonola>Part of what's going on is you feel a little bit better. <v Bernie Costonola>It's hard to believe that you're sick. <v Bernie Costonola>And one of the ways maybe you feel a little bit better is to cope by putting things out <v Bernie Costonola>of your mind or denying that it's happening right now. <v narrator>Susan Musuaka has worked with Robert over the past 10 years. <v narrator>She remembers when he first told her that he had AIDS. <v Susan Musuaka>Well, when I heard it, it was just I gasped. <v Susan Musuaka>And it was something that, you know, you could see him losing weight and we could

<v Susan Musuaka>se- knew that he hadn't been well. But it's something you just don't want to believe <v Susan Musuaka>about someone that you care about. <v narrator>A year after Susan learned that Robert was ill, he asked her to join him in preparing a <v narrator>museum show on a family of Mexican folk artists. <v narrator>He had been working on the project for some time. <v Susan Musuaka>He said, I don't want to be morbid about this, but he says, I'm just facing reality. <v Susan Musuaka>I know you'll finish. <v narrator>Robert no longer talks about not finishing his project. <v Susan Musuaka>This fighting spirit has come to the surface and you can really see <v Susan Musuaka>him fighting for everything. <v Robert Childs>Once I am allowed on the streets, then I <v Robert Childs>will start work immediately. <v Robert Childs>Now, if if that weren't a possibility, that probably <v Robert Childs>would really depress me. <v Robert Childs>It would mean I'd probably want to just sort of hang out in bed, <v Robert Childs>vegetate, die.

<v Patrick Everhart>It's not frightening me. A lot of people are frightened about it, but I'm not. <v Patrick Everhart>So I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I want to be comfortable, I don't want to be in <v Patrick Everhart>pain. And that's the promise you hear. <v Bernie Costonola>Patrick. Patrick, When I pass his room, looks like he's dead maybe six <v Bernie Costonola>times a day. His eyes are rolled back and he's just laying there. <v Bernie Costonola>But there's nothing to his life. <v Bernie Costonola>I mean, there's no quality. It's just. <v Daryl Woods>Patrick stays up all night long and nearly all day during the <v Daryl Woods>first part of the day. And around 3:30, 4 in the evening, he starts perking up. <v narrator>Daryl Woods is a nurse and Brownlie's admissions coordinator. <v Daryl Woods>At that point, but he stays up all night long. <v Rich Kushner>The question is, there really wasn't a very high quality in his life before he got ill. <v Rich Kushner>So, I mean, it's like you can't create what wasn't there.

<v narrator>Despite Bernie's concern, the question of how to improve Patrick's life goes unresolved. <v Bernie Costonola>That's what concerns me. <v narrator>Six residents have died in the past two weeks. <v narrator>It's time for one of the periodical gatherings of staff, residents and loved ones <v narrator>at the hospice has decided to call celebrations rather than memorials. <v narrator>The celebrations are part week, part family get together, part ritual leave <v narrator>taking people talk about their memories of the dead. <v narrator>They cry or laugh and they write notes that will be placed in a balloon and released <v narrator>over the hospice. <v Bernie Costonola>I remember Guadalupe, actually, I want to remember. <v Bernie Costonola>And one of the things he told me when he first came here, I asked <v Bernie Costonola>him if he had any family or anybody, and he said no, that.

<v Bernie Costonola>Then he told me, later on, he had very few in Mexico, but he <v Bernie Costonola>didn't want them to know because he felt ashamed. <v Bernie Costonola>But then he looked at me and said, I wonder if anybody will ever know that <v Bernie Costonola>I lived. So it's important for me to remember him. <v Bernie Costonola>I don't think I'll ever forget his name because he was so concerned that his name would <v Bernie Costonola>be forgotten. <v Carol Lee>It's really hard to let go. <v narrator>Carol Lee's brother Phillip died at Brownlie just a day after he was transferred here <v narrator>from a hospital. <v Carol Lee>Just been a few days, well, he passed away Saturday morning. <v Carol Lee>He struggled for a long time. He was in the hospital <v Carol Lee>five weeks and we knew it was coming. <v Carol Lee>But still, it's very, very difficult. <v Carol Lee>I was really worried that he was going to die alone.

<v Bernie Costonola>He really didn't. <v Carol Lee>I really feel good about that. Really re-assured, it just. <v Carol Lee>So much better than dying in a hospital. <v narrator>Though the celebrations were originally intended for staff members, only a handful <v narrator>of them usually attend. And of those who do, most remain silent. <v Daryl Woods>From my own standpoint, I don't see staff members going to make a point of coming back <v Daryl Woods>to refresh pain. <v Daryl Woods>I don't like it because I do shed the tears, because I remember not not sad times <v Daryl Woods>all the time, but I remember some of the way he smiles or the way he was <v Daryl Woods>looking just depends on what kind of death they had, whether it be the empty look

<v Daryl Woods>of eyes that's asking for help. <v Daryl Woods>Still, even at the point where they're fixing to die or whether it was, you know, the <v Daryl Woods>smile of saying, I'm going home now. <v Daryl Woods>I don't know, I don't I don't handle that very well. <v Daryl Woods>I don't know how to cope with that. <v Daryl Woods>Because you're empty, it's an empty feeling. <v narrator>Until a year ago, Darryl worked in Mississippi as a psychiatric nurse. <v narrator>He knew little about hospice care until he joined the staff here. <v Daryl Woods>Since I've always been scared of death and dying. <v Daryl Woods>I've never even wanted to know what it's about. <v Daryl Woods>You know, I wouldn't even work with geriatric patients because of the dying process. <v narrator>Like many of the staff, Daryl has had to learn to face the hospices steady stream of <v narrator>deaths. He had never even seen an AIDS patient until he moved to Los Angeles. <v Daryl Woods>Honestly speaking, the first guy that I saw who had AIDS. <v Daryl Woods>Yeah, I cried. It- it just devastated me because <v Daryl Woods>this isn't how humans look.

<v Kathleen Donehy>I've heard a few comments from various residents saying like God, we're <v Kathleen Donehy>so glad to have people who want to look after us. <v Kathleen Donehy>I've seen nurses literally gown up from head to toe as if they were going into <v Kathleen Donehy>exterminate a room full of termites to look after <v Kathleen Donehy>AIDS patients. And glove up everything to be seen but the eyes. <v Kathleen Donehy>So the contact the patient would have with that nurse would be eyes and that would be it. <v narrator>For the staff, each new resident represents a new set of possibilities. <v narrator>Some maintain strong connections with their former lives, but others seem to begin their <v narrator>lives afresh when they come here. <v narrator>Quintae Brown came to Los Angeles from Memphis to live with an aunt when he was fifteen. <v narrator>Now he's 27. He's known for several years that he has AIDS, but he <v narrator>got little medical attention until he spent five weeks in County Hospital early in 1989. <v narrator>From there, he came to Brownlie.

<v Bernie Costonola>Before you went to County Hospital, where, were you living <v Bernie Costonola>kind of on the street or were you? <v Bernie Costonola>Where were you living? <v Quintae Brown>I wasn't on the street. I was in a warehouse. <v Bernie Costonola> You were living in the warehouse? <v Bernie Costonola>What about trying to find your mom? Would you like to try and [Quintae Brown: No] you're <v Bernie Costonola>interested in her? <v Quintae Brown>I wouldn't hope my mother would see me like this. <v Quintae Brown>If I could, you know, if that- if I did self-consciously <v Quintae Brown>have pressures on me, that that would probably break everything, I did everything. <v Bernie Costonola>OK. It's whatever you want. <v Bernie Costonola>Some people do and we help them to find somebody that they've been out of touch with. <v Bernie Costonola>Some other folks don't want to. It's whatever you want and we respect. <v Quintae Brown>She wants to see me but I don't want to see her. <v Quintae Brown>She's I-. <v Bernie Costonola>You don't want her to see you? <v Bernie Costonola>How- do you feel like your body has changed a lot? <v Bernie Costonola>See, I didn't know you before you got sick. <v Quintae Brown>Yes. <v Bernie Costonola>His option for him at the time of discharge from the county was to come to us or back <v Bernie Costonola>living on the streets and dying on the streets. So he was happy to be coming here.

<v Bernie Costonola>He doesn't want me to contact his mother in Memphis. <v Bernie Costonola>And the reason he told me is he doesn't. <v Bernie Costonola>So many of our residents say this. I don't want her to see me like this. <v Bernie Costonola>So the issue of shame, which is very unique to this disease, <v Bernie Costonola>again, sticks its head up. <v staff member>Do you know if they know that he is in hospital? <v Bernie Costonola>No, they have no idea. <v narrator>Staff members know that AIDS has unpredictable and ups and downs, sometimes it backs <v narrator>off for a while and turns a person into a long term hospice resident. <v staff member>The man in red. <v narrator>Terry Muncey, was an air conditioning and heating mechanic until his illness forced him <v narrator>to stop working two years ago. <v narrator>He's just turned 40. <v Terry Muncey>A lot of people, when they turn 40, go through like a traumatic experience, <v Terry Muncey>midlife crisis or whatever. <v Terry Muncey>But I was looking forward to reaching 40 <v Terry Muncey>and I did. I made it.

<v narrator>Terry arrived at Brownlie a month ago, prepared to die. <v Terry Muncey>I was feeling so bad and I didn't think I was gonna get better. <v Terry Muncey>And I felt it. So I was going to be a burden on my family. <v Terry Muncey>And I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. <v Kathleen Donehy>He could hardly breathe. He could hardly talk. <v Kathleen Donehy>He could never manage a smile, he was always wincing. <v Kathleen Donehy>Everything was always wrong. <v narrator>Very slowly. Terry's condition began to improve. <v Terry Muncey>Seems like a married couple. I didn't have the will to live, now I. <v Terry Muncey>It's hard for me to sleep because I look forward to the next day. <v narrator>Today, Terry, with the help of his brother, Wally, is moving to the second floor. <v narrator>Because of a fire regulation. Only residents who can get around on their own can live <v narrator>upstairs, moves between floors, consequently have great symbolic significance <v narrator>for all residents. <v narrator>The upper floor is farther from the end. <v narrator>Besides the improvement in Terry's health, Wally sees other changes in him as well.

<v Wally Muncey>He was a kind of to himself guy emotionally. <v Wally Muncey>You know, if you got him to say some about how he really felt about things once a year, <v Wally Muncey>every year or two was really something. <v Wally Muncey>And then as part of this experience here at this hospice. <v Wally Muncey>He has opened up so much he can say, I love you. <v Wally Muncey>He can cry. <v Wally Muncey>He can do all those things. <v Terry Muncey>The family has just been beautiful. <v Terry Muncey>I have a lot more support than I ever dreamed I was going get. <v narrator>Some of the diseases associated with AIDS, like pneumocystis pneumonia and <v narrator>the skin cancer called Kaposi's sarcoma can be held at bay, at least temporarily <v narrator>with drugs. But when the HIV virus that appears to cause AIDS <v narrator>enters the central nervous system, few treatments are effective. <v narrator>Many of Brownlie's residents are here because they have reached that stage of the <v narrator>disease. Alfred Dodd is one of them. <v narrator>Two and a half years have passed since Al first learned that he had AIDS.

<v narrator>He soon had to stop working. But he remained at home until a month ago when he had <v narrator>what appeared to be a stroke. <v narrator>When the doctor at the emergency room said nothing could be done. <v narrator>His lover, Fred Zeeman, transferred him here. <v Fred Zeeman>There's been times where I have felt guilty about doing that. <v Fred Zeeman>You know? And later, you know, but it was I couldn't handle him at home. <v Fred Zeeman>I couldn't share phone at home, and I certainly couldn't care. <v Fred Zeeman>Hire a nurse for 24 hours a day. <v Fred Zeeman>I couldn't afford that. <v Alfred Dodd>It's very nice. You know, you're getting, you're getting <v Alfred Dodd>sent to the hospital, gave you. <v Alfred Dodd>That's when they give you the <v Alfred Dodd>wake up time, well wake up time, get a shot, drink ?inaudible?. <v Alfred Dodd>It's time to go to bed, and you know, just any other. <v Alfred Dodd>Here we can stay up and watch TV here, till dawn. <v Alfred Dodd>And.

<v Alfred Dodd>I like that, can you? And it's not the idea, I like that it's just the idea that <v Alfred Dodd>I like the part where I can do what I want to hear you telling me what to do what <v Alfred Dodd>you want me to do? <v narrator>Fred has been with Al for a long time. <v Fred Zeeman>I'm in love with him. They've been lovers for 10, over 10 years. <v Fred Zeeman>So I come three times a day. <v narrator>Al seems resigned. <v narrator>But the staff worries that Fred isn't ready to face the fact that Al will soon die. <v Fred Zeeman>You want to go home? Is that a yes or a no? <v Fred Zeeman>You do? Ok I think we're going to make arrangements sometime the first week in April. <v Fred Zeeman>I keep fooling myself all the time by saying, you know, you're going to get better. <v Fred Zeeman>You're going to get better, what else you say to a dying patient, you <v Fred Zeeman>know? Well, you've got three more hours to live. What do you want to do? <v Fred Zeeman>You know, I mean, they don't want to hear that. Their want-.

<v Fred Zeeman>I wouldn't want to hear that. I'd like some encouragement. <v Fred Zeeman>Whether it's even if it's a lie, lie to me. <v Fred Zeeman>I wouldn't want- I wouldn't want the truth about that. <v narrator>It's been three weeks since Patrick arrived. <v narrator>He continues to be troublesome for the staff. <v narrator>They think he expects to be waited on too much and doesn't want to do anything for <v narrator>himself. <v narrator>They're also afraid that his smoking in bed could lead to a fire. <v narrator>They have now decided that Patrick's medication should be reduced to make him more alert. <v Rich Kushner>I know the guy is dying. But it doesn't give him a license to be disruptive <v Rich Kushner>and destructive. And, you know, and anti-social and everything. <v Rich Kushner>I mean, he's still in a home-like environment where there are other residents and he <v Rich Kushner>has to respect that. That's how I feel. <v Rich Kushner>And he's not going to get away with all these things just because he's dying. <v Bernie Costonola>Number one, why the hell doesn't he come down to meals?

<v Daryl Woods>Because they cater to him upstairs. They don't make him come downstairs. <v Bernie Costonola>Mean, we'll see if he can. <v Rich Kushner>He's gotten a free ride here. <v Rich Kushner>Yeah. <v Bernie Costonola>He's been social interaction in terms of helping him to cope. <v Bernie Costonola>Because what happens here is the residents really become the support system and they help <v Bernie Costonola>each other to cope. If he could get into that. <v Bernie Costonola>I mean, we I don't believe anything is more effectively what they're doing for <v Bernie Costonola>themselves. So that would perhaps be what we could do to replace all the <v Bernie Costonola>drugs, is to get him into more of a social milieu with some of the residents and some of <v Bernie Costonola>the, you know, just basic stuff. <v Vick Pimento Habib>My suggestion is to explain this to him. <v Vick Pimento Habib>Hospice is the residents having a say in their care. <v Vick Pimento Habib>And I wouldn't just walk if I was a CNA. <v Vick Pimento Habib>I wouldn't just walk by and say lunch is downstairs or dinner's downstairs. <v Vick Pimento Habib>I would sit down and say, what we want is really for you to come downstairs. <v Vick Pimento Habib>And we want that because such and such, you didn't get anywhere? <v Kathleen Donehy>I sat in there with him and you know, conscionable with in a nice diplomatic <v Kathleen Donehy>firmament as I felt way and he said, just don't have the energy to come downstairs.

<v Kathleen Donehy>I don't have the energy to do it. <v Speaker>He has the energy. <v Rich Kushner>I've seen him run down the stairs. <v Rich Kushner>So it's total bunk. And you can you can give that back to him and say, <v Rich Kushner>well, that's not consistent. <v Rich Kushner>You're not telling the truth. You're not being honest. <v Rich Kushner>You're not being real. <v Bernie Costonola>That's hard to do. <v Rich Kushner>Sure it's hard to do. <v Kathleen Donehy>It's because he looks at you with these mournful eyes and I go, alright. <v Bernie Costonola>It's called manipulation. <v Kathleen Donehy>I know. <v Rich Kushner>How are you? I want to talk to you. <v Rich Kushner>Yeah, I hear you have some plans. <v narrator>Robert Childs is still pressing the hospice about his desire to get back to work. <v narrator>And today, Mitch is trying to assess whether this is realistic. <v Rich Kushner>What's your understanding of your condition now and and <v Rich Kushner>the future? The possibilities for the future? <v Robert Childs>Oh, OK. My understanding of my condition now is that it's real good, <v Robert Childs>especially in comparison.

<v Rich Kushner>In comparison. But do you think in other words, are you saying that you don't feel like <v Rich Kushner>you have the infection anymore? <v Robert Childs>Oh, no, no, nothing like that. <v Robert Childs>It's just I'm not ambulant anymore. <v Rich Kushner>OK. Your connection is definitely improved. <v Robert Childs>Yeah. It's improved. <v Rich Kushner>To add, without any real medications or anything. <v Robert Childs>Right. Exactly. [Rich Kushner: OK.] Not that, you know, by no means <v Robert Childs>that the primary cause is gone. <v Robert Childs>And I have no illusions of that. [Rich Kushner: OK.] You know, I have HIV. <v Robert Childs>I have ark. and I have a limited time. <v Robert Childs>It's just that I. <v Robert Childs>It's not as limited as it's looked like it was going to be. <v Robert Childs>[Rich Kushner: Possibly.] Yeah. <v Robert Childs>You know, I thought actually, what, a month ago <v Robert Childs>I thought I was dead now. <v Robert Childs>And since I've been here, since I could walk and <v Robert Childs>I have some independence. <v Robert Childs>This is this assessment has completely changed.

<v Robert Childs>And... <v Rich Kushner>You know, maybe you do have, as you say, a lot more time than you thought and a lot <v Rich Kushner>more time than a lot of the physicians thought. <v Rich Kushner>I mean, you certainly continue to prove it. <v Rich Kushner>The other extent I want you to be prepared with this. <v Robert Childs>Turn around and fall right over. <v Rich Kushner>Well, there are a lot of falls and then recoveries. <v Rich Kushner>And this is this is often very much the course of this illness. <v Rich Kushner>And one thing you came in with there, they did diagnose some problems with your vision, <v Rich Kushner>with your eyesight. Have you noticed have you had any [Robert Childs: Oh yea] changes in <v Rich Kushner>that since you've been here? <v narrator>When Robert first came to the hospital, he was so ill that an AIDS related eye infection <v narrator>called CMB retinitis seemed relatively unimportant. <v narrator>Now, it may be significant. <v Rich Kushner>But if the retinitis have progressed, well, it's it's again, like the disease itself. <v Rich Kushner>It can be yes. It can go to blindness and it can go very quickly in a matter <v Rich Kushner>of days. Or it could just be a very slowly progressive thing for months, a year.

<v Rich Kushner>You know, it can be that kind of thing. <v Robert Childs>Unfortunately, the eye thing would sort of screw up all the other things. <v Rich Kushner>Yes. Yeah. <v Rich Kushner>There's always something. <v Robert Childs>There's always something. <v Robert Childs>Yeah. I might be able to walk around and look at the artifacts, but if I can't see them, <v Robert Childs>that sort of kills it. <v narrator> There is an experimental drug for treating CMB retinitis and Robert <v narrator>may qualify for it. He and Mitch decide that he should see an eye doctor for further <v narrator>tests. <v Rich Kushner>Good. All right. See you later Robert. <v Rich Kushner>OK. <v Robert Childs>Oh, wonderful, blindness. <v Rich Kushner>He might temporarily be one that goes out the front door. <v Bernie Costonola>But you've, how about dementia to you feel any dementia is going on? <v Rich Kushner>Right now I think he's pretty clear and pretty understanding of what's going on. <v Bernie Costonola>What I find sometimes is his emotions

<v Bernie Costonola>are inappropriate to the topic that he dealing with. <v Bernie Costonola>He'll be talking about, of course, I'm dying and laugh. <v Bernie Costonola>Well, I'm not sure if it's a way of coping mechanism. <v Bernie Costonola>It's the affect being affected by that by the dementia. <v Rich Kushner>My impression is that it's his personality. <v Rich Kushner>Some people will sort of giggle and chuckle when they're really fearful. <v Rich Kushner>I get that impression from him because even though he meant something about blindness, <v Rich Kushner>he he chuckled. But you knew very well. <v Rich Kushner>He's very fearful of that and aware of that possibility. <v Rich Kushner>I've made him aware of that. And I think he's kind of very conscious of that. <v Rich Kushner>So that's not really where his dementia comes through. <v Rich Kushner>I think the dementia comes through more with his forgetfulness, his attention <v Rich Kushner>span. We think it's a milder dementia then what you're suggesting. <v Rich Kushner>Yeah. <v narrator>Although Los Angeles is second only to New York and the number of its AIDS cases

<v narrator>during these early weeks of operation, Brownlie has yet to fill all its beds. <v narrator>The staff has found that many doctors are reluctant to tell their patients that they have <v narrator>only a little time left to live. <v Rich Kushner>I had a private patient that I thought was appropriate for the hospice <v Rich Kushner>and it was very difficult for me to talk to him about that because <v Rich Kushner>he was really wanting to fight and continue to fight. <v Rich Kushner>Although I felt that it really he reached a point where it was really useless <v Rich Kushner>for him. <v Rich Kushner>First, let me have you sit up yeah, and I want to take a good listen <v Rich Kushner>and see what you sound like. <v Rich Kushner>It's very difficult to sit down with someone, a young man, and tell them <v Rich Kushner>that there's nothing more that can be done and that they'll probably be <v Rich Kushner>dead. <v Rich Kushner>Real deep. <v narrator> In spite of having heard the worst about his condition, Quintae is cheerful <v narrator>and optimistic about pulling his life back together.

<v Quintae Brown>They said that within two to five years. <v Quintae Brown>You're supposed to show some signs and I have been no different <v Quintae Brown>in everything that I've felt before I even, you know, got the disease, <v Quintae Brown>which I got it by doing intravenous drugs. <v Quintae Brown>I want to be like I was before I started doing drugs and stuff. <v Quintae Brown>All I wanted to meet is a soda and the and death, you know. <v Quintae Brown>And I was happy I'm just sip on that soda all night. <v Quintae Brown>You know, go back to the dance floor. <v narrator>Here Quintae has new friends and a home away from the street. <v Kathleen Donehy>That's why you're always on the go. <v Kathleen Donehy>In an acute facility here, it's a much slower pace and <v Kathleen Donehy>you can sit down and be that bit more relaxed. <v Kathleen Donehy>And unless you really force yourself, you're gonna become attached to <v Kathleen Donehy>a certain amount of residents, even though they have AIDS.

<v Kathleen Donehy>And I'm aware of it. I don't come in every morning thinking I'm gonna <v Kathleen Donehy>look after a bunch of AIDS people today. <v Kathleen Donehy>It just doesn't cross my mind that way. <v Kathleen Donehy>Like, for instance, Terry Muncey, you know, Quintae as well, <v Kathleen Donehy>I come in and I see them as kind of all paths, really, and try and help them out. <v Kathleen Donehy>But I don't look at them and say he's got AIDS until I'm sitting down <v Kathleen Donehy>with them and they suddenly want to talk about it. <v Kathleen Donehy>And want to talk about their condition, what they did in their life. <v Kathleen Donehy>And then it kind of burns me up inside. <v Kathleen Donehy>It's awful disease. <v narrator>Jeff Hutchinson is one of Brownlie's nursing assistants. <v Jeff Hutchinson>A lot of the patients get real close to the ones who come in <v Jeff Hutchinson>and stay awhile. <v Jeff Hutchinson>Some are more like my children and the others are like my my brothers <v Jeff Hutchinson>are my fathers, even. Of course it breaks your heart when they die. <v Jeff Hutchinson>When you think of them as your family, which they are, they feel like my

<v Jeff Hutchinson>family. <v Fred Zeeman>I think he refused to shoot earlier, didn't he? <v Fred Zeeman>They've been very, very caring. <v Fred Zeeman>I don't see how they do the job. <v Fred Zeeman>To be honest with you. To me, it's the most depressing place there is <v Fred Zeeman>in the world. When you see them roll them in, roll them out. <v Fred Zeeman>I mean, I've seen come sad cases come in. <v Fred Zeeman>I just can't accept that. <v Fred Zeeman>I just can't. <v Fred Zeeman>Maybe one of these days I will, but right now I can't. <v narrator>Fred Zeeman is constantly by Al's side. <v narrator>But in spite of his encouragement, Al grows weaker and weaker. <v Fred Zeeman>He told me last week, you'll be glad when it's all over. <v Fred Zeeman>So he stopped fighting now, it's like part <v Fred Zeeman>of me going. <v Fred Zeeman>I tried to do whatever I can to help him. <v Fred Zeeman>But what's- what? There's nothing I can do except be there for him.

<v Fred Zeeman>You know, try to console him, and sometimes I do little <v Fred Zeeman>things that the nursing staff doesn't have time to do it. <v Fred Zeeman>You know, like brushing his teeth. <v Fred Zeeman>Now he's reached a point where the virus has entered the brain. <v Fred Zeeman>Sometimes, he'll know me, sometimes he won't. <v Fred Zeeman>His energy level had it gone down so far that he can't hold a pencil or a pen. <v Fred Zeeman>He can't. He has to be fed. <v Fred Zeeman>And of course, he eats very little because he's not hungry. <v Fred Zeeman>Too much. <v Fred Zeeman>This is the last one. I always try to say there's a ray of hope somewhere. <v Fred Zeeman>Things might make a turn for the best. <v Fred Zeeman>It doesn't work that way, but not in certain diseases. <v Fred Zeeman>Anyway, that are terminal. <v Bernie Costonola>I have great concern for Fred. <v Bernie Costonola>And here's my concern. <v Bernie Costonola>Al has been his life and actually was happening. <v Bernie Costonola>He is dying himself along with Al, and <v Bernie Costonola>he is being very self-destructive.

<v Bernie Costonola>Yesterday, he ate five different sweets between 8 9 in the morning. <v Bernie Costonola>We're talking a bit of diabetic insulin. <v narrator>Staff members have invited Fred to counseling sessions, but he has turned them all <v narrator>down. <v Kathleen Donehy>He really gets to me from the family side and the mental anguish, it's <v Kathleen Donehy>too much. <v narrator>Three days later, Al's ordeal ended. <v Daryl Woods>Al died real, real peaceful last night. [staff member: did he?] Yeah, they got real <v Daryl Woods>concerned about Fred. <v Daryl Woods>You know, when we went through the rituals of a <v Daryl Woods>compulsive list for inspiration, heartbeat, did a BP on him. <v Daryl Woods>And I told him, he's dead, and he started crying and I said, are you gonna be okay? <v Daryl Woods>And he says, No, I'm not. And then I said, Do you want to spend some time alone with him? <v Daryl Woods>He said, Yeah. I said, well, when you get through just let us know. <v Daryl Woods>And he took off, I mean, haven't heard nothing from him since.

<v Speaker>I wanted to be here and I was hurt that I was not. <v Speaker>And he didn't wait for me to be here and um, <v Speaker>I'm able to say goodbye this way. <v Speaker>Cleaning his room and feeling where he's been. <v Speaker>Feels calm in here and feels like <v Speaker>he didn't suffer. He had no pain. <v Speaker>So I think we've done our job. <v Speaker>Now I can clean this room and say goodbye. <v Speaker>Since I didn't get a chance to tell him goodbye in person. <v narrator>Today's celebration is for Al Dodd and three other Brownlie residents who have died over <v narrator>the past 10 days. <v narrator>The staff hoped that Fred would join them today, but he has stayed away. <v narrator>Al had been at the hospice for two months, longer than any other resident.

<v Chris Brownlie>I thought he was very gentle and my last memory of him, actually the last <v Chris Brownlie>two memories of him were with him and Fred two weeks before he died, <v Chris Brownlie>and then the week before he died, he told twice, he told Fred to close the door <v Chris Brownlie>in his room and he literally pulled his ear, Fred's ear over and just <v Chris Brownlie>whispered in Fred's ear that he loved him and he thanked him. <v Chris Brownlie>I thought, you know, this big guy to do that was such a <v Chris Brownlie>incredi-. That's the memory that I will keep of him and big <v Chris Brownlie>Al. <v Speaker>Yeah. Al was real good. And a ?inaudible?. <v Speaker>And I really appreciate your friendship because it grew while <v Speaker>I was here. <v Speaker>It's so good. A good man. <v narrator>Celebrations only briefly interrupt the staff's work with the living residents.

<v narrator>Daily life quickly resumes. <v narrator>After last week's staff meeting, Patrick was persuaded to leave his room at mealtimes. <v narrator>But his indiscriminate smoking continues to be a problem. <v Speaker>I feel that a lot of it is probably an attention-seeking behavior, the manipulation. <v Speaker>Definitely attention-seeking. <v narrator>Patrick keeps his staff off balance. <v narrator>He has just asked to be moved downstairs so that his meals will again be brought to his <v narrator>room. <v narrator>No one is sure whether or not it is best to comply with his many demands. <v Daryl Woods>And so that's where he is. You know, he's he's loving that because there's confusion not <v Daryl Woods>with himself, but with staff members. <v Daryl Woods>And and in these meetings, they discuss it. <v Daryl Woods>We're going to do. But nobody follows through. <v Kathleen Donehy>It was followed through, Daryl, last week and it was actually working. <v Kathleen Donehy>But it's what I'm saying is, is that the way it should be done or should <v Kathleen Donehy>we not give him the benefit of the doubt? <v Daryl Woods>But, you know, to live his life, to invest his abilities,

<v Daryl Woods>some of it is gonna hurt. <v Kathleen Donehy>Yea but who are we gon- who are we to decide, you know, I mean, he can't. <v Speaker>Didn't want to go downstairs. Don't follow us. <v Kathleen Donehy>I'd like to make him happy. Basically is what I want to do, and comfortable <v Kathleen Donehy>and yet to save this place from being burnt down. <v narrator>In the end, Patrick got his way. <v narrator>The staff agreed to move him downstairs. <v Patrick Everhart>When I first came in here, I thought that a fish that's worth <v Patrick Everhart>three to six months. <v Patrick Everhart>And that's the way I feel now. <v Patrick Everhart>I just sort of go with it. I don't want to leave. <v Patrick Everhart>I'm having a problem eating. <v Patrick Everhart>I can't eat food. <v Patrick Everhart>And I'm sitting here trying <v Patrick Everhart>away. <v Patrick Everhart>I'm sure dying can be better, better than life. <v narrator>Death seems to have forgotten Terry.

<v narrator>Almost every weekend he goes to visit his family and this weekend he'll be staying with a <v narrator>friend in Palm Springs. <v narrator>It'll be his most ambitious venture since he came to Brownlie two months ago. <v Terry Muncey>I won a couple really big battles here, <v Terry Muncey>you know, being able to walk with your goals are <v Terry Muncey>they seem to be smaller now and just from one <v Terry Muncey>day to the next instead of long term goals, because <v Terry Muncey>you don't know what it's going to happen. <v Terry Muncey>I was looking forward to death. <v Terry Muncey>And now that I've had a taste of life again, <v Terry Muncey>you want to look forward to it, but you still <v Terry Muncey>know that you're gonna have another episode down the line. <v Robert Childs>It was you the other day who asked me why you want to come back to work. <v Robert Childs>I thought about it. It's true.

<v Robert Childs>But I, I'm in love <v Robert Childs>with that place. <v staff member>Sounds like you're very passionate about it. <v Kathleen Donehy>Yeah. <v Robert Childs>Yeah. I mean, I really want to be a part of it. <v narrator>Robert's eyes have been examined by a specialist and found not to be an immediate danger. <v narrator>Now, it has been agreed that he will return to work while living for a while longer, at <v narrator>least at the hospice. <v Bernie Costonola>You won and we failed. <v Robert Childs>A spot out there in the world. <v Robert Childs>I'm going to get to it. <v Bernie Costonola>I think what we see in Robert is an extremely strong will to live <v Bernie Costonola>and survive. Many of the people who come here have had that same sense <v Bernie Costonola>but have grown tired of fighting and surviving is not <v Bernie Costonola>the quality of life isn't there for them. <v narrator>Robert knows that he is certain to die of AIDS, but he has no interest in preparing <v narrator>himself for his death.

<v Robert Childs>I've never been ready to die. I've never been ready to hurt- hurt. <v Robert Childs>And if I'm not ready to. <v Robert Childs>What bloody my thumb. <v Robert Childs>And I'm certainly not ready to bloody bloody my thumb. <v Robert Childs>Then why should I have to be ready <v Robert Childs>to die of AIDS in order to die of AIDS? <v narrator>Like Robert, Quintae thinks about his old haunts. <v narrator>Last weekend, a volunteer from the hospice took him on an afternoon outing. <v narrator>Quintae, had his choice of where to go, and he decided to return to the streets of <v narrator>downtown to see how everybody was. <v Quintae Brown>I spoke to who I wanted to speak to. <v Quintae Brown>And then they asked me, when am I coming down here? <v Quintae Brown>And I said, Oh, I'll be back. <v Quintae Brown>But unfortunately, I don't want to go back for a long time because they not <v Quintae Brown>helping theirselves. The same thing they were doing when I left. <v Quintae Brown>Sleeping on the street, you know, and smoking cocaine and

<v Quintae Brown>that's no good at all. <v Quintae Brown>And where I am, I finally got peace of mind. <v Quintae Brown>And I'm here. And everything and I'm enjoying myself while they destroy <v Quintae Brown>theirs, you know, so I wouldn't trade <v Quintae Brown>it and everything to go back down in that madness. <v Quintae Brown>You know, I like it here. Everybody's nice. <v narrator>Brownlie Hospice is only one small battlefield in the worldwide struggle with AIDS. <v narrator>Here, the virus has claimed 12 more lives in the past month. <v narrator>In the eyes of its founders, the hospice is succeeding in its work. <v narrator>But the relentless rhythm of deaths makes some people see the hospice as a symbol of <v narrator>surrender to AIDS. <v narrator>Chris Brownlie has felt that reaction. <v Chris Brownlie>Well, I had friends who have written me nasty letters. <v Chris Brownlie>I mean, almost hate mail because I was participating in the building <v Chris Brownlie>of a place which would remind people of their death and of the inevitability thereof.

<v Chris Brownlie>To me our emphasis is not on the dying. <v Chris Brownlie>It's on the living of the last days. <v Chris Brownlie>I am sure, morally sure that what we're doing <v Chris Brownlie>is is the right thing, that people are dying from this disease. <v Chris Brownlie>They've been dying in hallways, at hospitals or on the street that we've created <v Chris Brownlie>a place where where they will die as comfortably as they possibly <v Chris Brownlie>can. Surrounded by those who love them, who will be a part of that process, who will be a <v Chris Brownlie>part of that experience. <v Chris Brownlie>You know, it's the best we can do. <v Kathleen Donehy>I always said you can never really get used to somebody dying. <v Kathleen Donehy>But I thought I could cope better. <v Kathleen Donehy>But it was a resident here whom I was more close to than I thought.

<v Kathleen Donehy>And he died on me quite suddenly, unexpectedly. <v Kathleen Donehy>And I was very shocked at how I reacted. <v Kathleen Donehy>I was upset. I was shocken. <v Kathleen Donehy>I was crying and I'm even getting tearful now. <v Kathleen Donehy>But it was horrible. I'm sorry. Because I was <v Kathleen Donehy>so close to him. <v Kathleen Donehy>Quintae was very special. I don't know why, we just we just hit it off <v Kathleen Donehy>right from the beginning. <v Kathleen Donehy>He was special.