Inflection Point with Lauren Schiller; #90; I am powerful by just living - Sarah McBride, author of "Tomorrow Will Be Different"

My voice isn't just powerful, my voice doesn't just matter, but I as an LGBTQ person am powerful by just being, by living. And that is a power we carry with us from the scariest of spaces to the safest of places. I'm Lauren Schiller, today on inflection point, feel the power with Sarah McBride, transgender activist and author of the new book, Tomorrow Will Be Different. Stay tuned. My brother is a gay man and my mother asked him that first day, what are the chances?

What are the chances that I have a gay son and a transgender child? And my hope was that she could end up asking that question, what are the chances not out of pity but out of pride, out of all in the fact that they had raised three children, two of whom were LGBTQ and had the courage to come out, out of all in the beauty and the diversity of our family that I think has made us a better family, a stronger family, a more compassionate family. And I think one of the most incredible things in this journey is seeing my parents go from that place of sort of self-pity in my identity to pride in my identity. When Sarah McBride came out to her family as transgender at age 21, it was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. While her family was still processing this a few months in, she posted a note on social media about her true gender identity.

I wrote that note for a couple of reasons. The first was I was student body president at American University at the time and I knew that my coming out would be something that people would talk about. And I also knew that if I could get it out in my own words on my own terms, if I could try to humanize my experience a little bit more for people that maybe it would reduce the potential bullying or mockery that might come my way. But Sarah also approached her coming out process fully aware that her mostly positive experience wasn't the norm for most transgender people. Coming out was the hardest thing that I had ever done up until that point but it was still relatively easy compared to the experience of so many other people. And so I wanted to make sure that I could help contribute to making a world where it's not a privilege to be safe from violence, it's not a privilege to be accepted and loved by your family, it's not a privilege to still have economic opportunities and educational opportunities in front of you.

In 2016, Sarah McBride made history and a childhood dream come true. And she stood on stage as the first transgender person to speak at a national political convention. The Democratic National Convention, the same stage that Hillary Clinton accepted her nomination. My name is Sarah McBride and I am a proud transgender American. Sarah's been on the ground as well, fighting for trans equality. She was instrumental in getting her home state of Delaware to adopt its first equality bill. I had always done advocacy from this perspective of advocating for others. And this was, in many ways, my first experience sort of directly advocating for myself. And in the most challenging moments, the 2016 election results, everyday sexism and misogyny and the death of her young husband, even then she fights to update our laws to protect and include LGBTQ people.

Sarah is now the National Press Secretary at the Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest LGBTQ civil rights organization. And she's the author of the new book, Tomorrow Will Be Different, Love, Loss and the Fight for Trans equality. My voice isn't just powerful, my voice doesn't just matter, but I as an LGBTQ person and powerful by just being, by living. And that is a power we carry with us from the scariest of spaces to the safest of places. We started our conversation discussing one of her core beliefs that LGBTQ equality translates to equality for everyone. You know, I think one of the most important things is to understand the point that Audrey Lord said, which is that there's no such thing as a single issue struggle because no one lives single issue lives. And if we only pursue equality with respect to specifically sexual orientation and gender identity, then we're going to leave far too many people, not just in our own community, but in the world behind.

The LGBTQ community is as diverse as the fabric of this country, where is diverse as humanity. We are people of color, we're disabled people, we're women, we're Muslim, we're immigrants. And so we have to make sure in everything that we do that we're recognizing the importance of intersectionality, the importance of making change on all fronts, because if we don't, we're going to only make change for the most privileged. And that's why as a movement launched in response to police violence at the Stonewall Inn, we must always say that Black Lives Matter, it's why as a community that saw so many members die at Pulse that we must work to combat the scourge of gun violence in this country, it's why when this president tries to rip health care away from millions of Americans, including those living with HIV, that we fight back and we work to not just protect health care, but expand access to health care. And so it's incredibly important to recognize that we need change on all fronts, we need change now, and that we should be working across identities and across coalitions to make

sure that we're standing in solidarity with one another and bringing change for everyone in the community. So what does equality mean to you? To me is a broad term. I think I try to think of justice, I try to think of equity, I try to think of making sure that we're ensuring that one, every person can live as much of their life as possible to the fullest to make sure that no one has to fear discrimination or violence, to make sure that people are provided opportunities to pursue their dreams. And I think at the end of the day, we need to build a world where everyone has the freedom from fear of discrimination or violence, where everyone understands that they are beautiful, that they are worthy, and that they should be treated with respect, dignity, and fairness in every aspect of their life. That seems like something that every human should get behind or would get behind, like it just seems like such a no-brainer. So what is standing in our way, like why would there be opposition to that? Well, I think for a couple of different reasons, I think so often we inherit outdated dogmas

and outdated positions, whether it's from our parents, whether it's in society, whether it's in our churches or houses of worship, one of the things that I learned in dealing with bullies and harassment online is that everyone deals with an insecurity or something that society has told them they should be ashamed of. It's not just their sexual orientation or gender identity, but it can be so many other things. And one of the things that I realized in my own life and in my own work is that as LGBTQ people, we have accepted that's something that society has told us we should be ashamed of, and not only accepted that, but in many cases, move forward with pride in ourselves. And the bullies and those who hate, I think in many cases, they see that. They see that power and their jealous of it. They see that agency and their jealous of it. And so I think in many cases, that's where it comes from.

I think it comes from fear of the unknown. I think it comes from the fear of if we continue to accept the beautiful diversity of the society then maybe they might have to grapple with something that they're struggling with. And I certainly want to build a world where everyone can grapple with that and take pride in themselves and love themselves. For you, it seems like you're okay with that. You came out on Facebook and you were so clear in what you wanted to say about who you are. Well, it took 21 years for me to figure that out, and in many cases, 21 years to write that note. But I think for me, I wrote that note for a couple of reasons. The first was I was student body president at American University at the time, and I knew that my coming out would be something that people would talk about. I also felt like I had a responsibility as student body president to use what little platform I had to try to educate people a little bit more about what it means to be transgender, what it's like to be transgender about.

My own experience and again, recognizing both that my experience is not a universal experience that I also come to this experience and journey with a lot of privileges, but to use that platform as much as possible to try to demonstrate that behind this conversation are real people who love and laugh, hope and fear, dream and cry, just like everyone else, and so I wrote that note. I posted it and then I posted it in the school newspaper and the response was truly incredible on campus. It was nothing but support, but it was also clear to me through that that the experience that I had in large part because of my privileges, in large part because of my position of student body president was not the reality for far too many transgender people around that campus and certainly around this world, and so that's why I got involved in advocacy was because in large part that experience of coming out was so overwhelmingly positive, but still so difficult, and if it was difficult for me, then I can't imagine having to do it without the support and the love that I had.

Before you announced publicly that you were a transgender woman, you were kind of gathering support of a smaller group, right? You told your parents ahead of that, so they didn't just open the paper one day and find out. Right, yeah. It wasn't news to them when I logged on to Facebook, so how did you approach that conversation with them and what did it take for you to just finally tell them? Well, you know, for so long, I had tried to compartmentalize my identity. I tried to tell myself that if I could make a difference in this world, if I could make my family proud that those things would somehow bring me the wholeness and completeness that I saw it, and it was through my experience, I think, at American University of Student Body President, getting to advocate on a number of issues, including LGBTQ issues, that I saw that those things wouldn't bring me the wholeness and the fulfillment that I thought. And it became something, my gender identity became something I thought about every single

waking hour of every single day. And in the fall semester of my junior year while I was studying a student body president, I confided in a dear friend, Helen, who was studying abroad in South Africa at the time. And I think the fact that they were so far away and we were talking on G-Chat felt a little bit sort of removed, and I felt a little bit more comfortable sharing that I was struggling with my gender identity. And Helen responded with nothing but love and support. And I think that one experience for me was transformative because I always knew Helen would be incredibly supportive there as my friends called a walking bleeding heart. But because they responded without batting an eye, it became so clear to me that my world wouldn't fall apart. And so with that courage, and I think that sort of realization, I then was able to move forward. And on Christmas Day, I came out to my parents after we opened presents. And when I came out to them, they were very clear just how scared they were.

And they had just presented you with a suit and tie. Right. And up a shirt and a tie was such a stark contrast between where I was and where I wanted to be between who I knew I was and who everyone else thought I was between the expectations. And again, what I knew, they would fear and what I feared, which was that any possibility of professional fulfillment of being welcomed in my home state of even finding love that that would all go away with this news. And my mother came up into my bedroom and she asked me, she said, you seem so down and you never seem down. What's going on? I told her that I was just stressed about school or something like that. She went downstairs and I thought to myself, she just asked you, you have the courage to say it, go down and tell her. So I went downstairs and I started. I said, mom, I've been thinking a lot about my sexual orientation and gender identity. And I threw in sexual orientation because I knew it was 2011. And I knew that she wasn't familiar with that phrase, that she wouldn't know what

was about to come. And I wanted her to know that I was about to come out as something. And I said, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm transgender. She immediately burst into tears, ran upstairs and to my father. And I came out to then my father and one of my brothers who responded with, well, I always thought you were gay, but I guess this makes sense. Thanks, bro. Yeah. There's like, it was like the perfect comment, perfect comment that encapsulates that brother totally. Do you think your mom was just shocked or do you think she had seen it coming? And it was definitely. I think she was totally shocked. I think she was scared. I think she was scared about what it would mean for me. I think truthfully and I think she admitted this that she was scared about what other people would say about us, about our family and I think more than anything else in that moment, she felt lost, a loss. She felt like the child she had always known was dying, as she said. It took my brother, who's a radiation oncologist, to come down from New York that Christmas

day and he said to my mother, your child is not dying. They are not going anywhere. You know, this might be difficult, but basically get together. You're still keeping your child. And I think, you know, I was so patient with my parents, I think it required both my patients, but also my brother sort of coming in and giving our mothers some perspective to allow her to begin to move forward. And do you think your brother had warmed them up at all? I mean, like, how did they react when he came out to them? They were nothing but supportive when he came out. He came out about 10 years before me and I think what's clear is that while transphobia and homophobia are rooted in the same prejudice, which is this perception that the sex you are assigned at birth should dictate who you are and who you love, what you do, how you act. That even though these issues are an extricably linked, there are unique challenges that folks who are trans and are not conforming face in coming out and in facing this world. My parents, when my brother came out, they had reference points for success.

They had reference points for at least gain lesbian people that they knew of who were happy and fulfilled and had found love and acceptance. But for them, particularly at that time, their reference points for transgender people and identities were either a punchline and a comedy or a dead body and a drama and they one didn't have exposure. They didn't have information. They didn't understand what it meant to be transgender, but also even if they did have that information, they didn't think that there was a path forward. And I think that's one of the best things about our progress is now that there are so many, as Lever and Cox said, possibility models for so many young transgender people who are growing up today who now know that their dreams and their identities aren't mutually exclusive. And Lever and Cox being one of them. Absolutely. And one of the best. I'm Lauren Schiller.

This is Inflection Point and I'm talking with Sarah McBride, the author of Tomorrow will be different, love, loss and the fight for trans equality. To hear more stories of how women rise up, subscribe to the Inflection Point podcast on Apple podcasts, Radio Public and NPR One. Coming up in the rest of the hour, Sarah's hassled at the state house and she gives advice to parents of transgender kids. We'll be right back. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. I'm Lauren Schiller and this is Inflection Point. talking with Sarah McBride, author of tomorrow will be different. Was there a woman that you aspired to be like? I mean the reality was I read the history books and this is again, this is a byproduct of the incompleteness of our history books, but I read the history books and it was clear that there wasn't really anyone quite like me in those history books, at least no one who was out. And so, you know, I think what was so isolating for me and I think for so many LGBTQ youth and so many youth of different marginalized backgrounds is that they

don't see themselves reflected in those history books. They don't see themselves reflected in popular culture or in politics or in society. And growing up, I didn't really have possibility models that I knew of. I mean, I was a reader of history and as I was struggling with my identities, I read everything I could get my hands on about transgender people. So, you know, I read about Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera and revered their activism. I read about Christine Jorgensen who was the quote blonde GI bombshell, who transitioned in the 40s after World War II and sort of captured the nation's attention. I read about different transgender people throughout history, but there was at that time no one who was who had done what I wanted to do with my life, which was to sort of go into government. I think one of the perceptions around trans people is that they're, you know, they're on the margins and they dress funny and they're like over the top or

they're like, you sort of see it in the sort of RuPaul world of just, you know, like cross-dressing and just like being like really out there and, you know, beautiful in so doing, but not sort of like mainstream America, right, which politics kind of is trying to represent, right, or like beast, and this, you know, something like that. So, I mean, you live in DC, you dress fairly conservatively, like you present, like, you know, a mainstream person. I mean, is that you, is that intentional, is that so you can get more done? So, people say, you seriously, like it's just kind of like, how do you want to be perceived? Well, I think it's an interesting question. I think we're all navigating this world, this imperfect world and imperfect ways, and most days I just wear pajamas. So, I'm like, I got to work and I am basically wearing a hoodie and pajama pants almost. But I think all of us are trying to navigate this world. All of us are trying to figure out the best way to be safe, to be taken seriously. And so, you know, I don't know the degree to which,

you know, where I land and my gender expression is a byproduct of this is where I feel comfortable versus this is what I do to navigate the world. It's probably a mix of those things as I think it is for a lot of people. But I think what we have to do is we have to make sure, and this is one of the things that I always try to do is that we have to make sure that we're not just building empathy, compassion and equality and dignity for those who are the most politically palatable or the most mainstream. We have to make sure that everyone is able to and safe in landing wherever they are in that gender cloud. And, you know, I think so often in this country and in this world we have compassion for people who are the same as us in every single way but one or two. And what we need, what real compassion is, what real humanity is, is compassion and empathy for people who are different than you in maybe every single way, but one, the fact that you're

both humans. And I think recognizing that that need and understanding that there might be pain and experiences that are so different than yours that they almost are incomprehensible, but that's when compassion, that's when standing up, that's when fighting back, that's when speaking out, that's when it's most important. This isn't about how we look, this is about who we are. And whether you dress conservatively or whether you don't, whether you dress in in traditionally masculine or traditionally feminine ways, corresponding with that gender identity or you don't, all of us transgender, cisgender should be able to express ourselves to be ourselves without fear of rejection, without fear of violence, without fear of discrimination. And my goal and my hope is to challenge folks to recognize that it's one thing, it's easy to have empathy and compassion for someone like me who's a white, younger, economically secure, educated, transgender woman who transitioned relatively young. I'm not the person who needs

action as much as so many other people. And so my hope, my goal is to make sure that, you know, in writing this book and sharing my own story that I allow people maybe to enter into my own experience, but that they don't just empathize with me, they don't just feel the need to make sure that I'm treated with dignity and respect and fairness, but rather that every person is. Do you think that you always want to be known as a transgender woman or is there an aspiration? Is that the wrong word? I don't even know. To just like get rid of the transparent and just like, I'm a woman. So my mother asked me this question when I first came out. She said, do you want to be a transgender woman or do you want to be a woman? And my answer then and my answer to this day is I am proud to be transgender. I want to build a world where people can understand that my trans identity doesn't negate my identity as a woman that these are not mutually exclusive concepts, but I don't want to have to hide any identity and I'm proud of both of those identities. They are identities that interact with one another that relate to one another, but for me, they are

are two identities that I never want to have to hide. I want to be accepted, affirmed, embraced, celebrated in both of those identities and I want everyone to feel comfortable to be out. Having said that, I think one of the more dangerous narratives in the LGBTQ community is that everyone has to be out. Everyone always has to be out. Everyone always has to make everyone know that they're LGBTQ because that's the only way we're going to open people's hearts and change people's minds. And I think that is an unfair burden to place on an already marginalized community as my late spouse Andy used to say, I'm not going to fight for a world where every person is able to live their gender identity and sexual orientation the way they need to by telling anyone the way they have to live their sexual orientation and gender identity. If the principal you're fighting for is not an unbreakable principle, then what is? And so for me, I always want to be known as both transgender and as a woman, but I also recognize that people come to that question with very different needs, with very different experiences, with very different relationships to those

identities. And while I want everyone to feel comfortable to be in that place where I'm where I'm in right now, I'm never going to universalize that to anyone. Yeah, so like many things in life, it's just going to be different for every person. It's complicated. Yeah, it's complicated. One of the issues that comes up when discussing feminism and transgender women is the notion of seeing the world from the other side. For those who are raised as boys, to trans women have better insights or advantages into the patriarchal system than cis women. Disgrowing up perceived as male helped trans women to avoid some of the oppressive forces that cis women experience. Sarah McBride grew up presenting as a white guy, but she told me that her experience in the world of white men can't be wrapped up in a tidy little box. You know, I think it's a conversation I talk quite a bit about and I think when I was preparing to come out, I was so consumed with the transphobia that would potentially come

my way that I didn't I think fully recognize just how pervasive and just how significant the sexism and misogyny would be that would come my way that exists in this world. I actually remember having conversations with with my friends in high school trying to do the absolutely absurd endeavor of comparing and ranking oppression and and and I don't I don't think I had a full appreciation for just how pervasive sexism and misogyny was and I think my experience in coming out and transitioning was certainly eye opening in many ways and it was eye opening in with respect to that and in seeing just how much we interact with gender, just how much we interact with sexism and misogyny, just how often our even little decisions are impacted by considerations around sexism and misogyny, whether it's again, people navigating this world and figuring out what's the right path

to take, what can I what what what what should I wear to be taken seriously, I mean like the fact that we have to consider all of these things when before I as much as I thought about my own gender identity every single waking hour of every single day, I wasn't also thinking about well how do I how do I get taken seriously or what's the path home that I'm more safe taking, you know these were considerations that that I didn't have to take I didn't I understood how unsafe street harassment might be, but I didn't fully realize just how dehumanizing it would be to have a stranger feel entitled to comment on my body because I the audacity of just walking down the street by them, you know these were really eye opening experiences and I think that every person's path to who they are is different right no no two women's path are the same whether they're both cisgender white women whether it's a cisgender woman one of color and a cisgender white woman whether it's a transgender woman and a cisgender woman no two paths are the same when we all

wind our journeys with that we all we all go down our paths with different privileges and perspectives some limiting and others illuminating and for me that was that was a path that I went down that was truly eye opening and I think every time I talk to transgender people their experience um it is one that I think is is a really important aspect of conversations around gender and society and and feminism and and sexism and misogyny because it is a unique perspective that I think enhances these conversations um and and certainly that's how I feel in my own journey. Was there a certain level of confidence or male swagger you know that you were able to bring with you I mean did you ever did you ever feel that like I mean maybe I think that I you know I think to some degree I think when I when I came out I was so insecure and so nervous that a lot of that washed away I mean maybe some of that is is still there you know I think what's important

in this conversation is this I think there's this perception that when a transgender person is still in the closet and a transgender person is maybe still being perceived as the sex that they're assigned at birth and the gender that they were assigned accordingly um that we assume that their experience is identical to that of uh you know that my experience was identical to a cisgender man's experience and you know I was always a trans woman I was always a woman it was something I've known about myself and throughout that experience I'm internalizing the sexism and misogyny that I'm seeing in the world right whether that's internalizing that in relation to my own womanhood or whether it's in relation to my transness or both I'm taking that I'm seeing that whether it's transgender people who are in the closet who are going bullied for not conforming to to the gender binary or gender stereotypes I think we so often this conversation think that a transgender person before they come out or before they transition if they transition is interacting the world the same as as people who aren't transgender and that's just not the case

and so I think it's I think it's difficult to to sort of evaluate for me what aspects of society sort of because of socialization I carry with me and and what aspects were aspects that I had already internalized um and because it's a confluence of so many different things um you know my race my economic background my um you know able-bodied privilege all of these different privileges that I carry with me it's sort of difficult to sort of pull one strand out and identify or isolate that I think there's no question like I've said that I think there were privileges that I had some of which may have been related to society perceiving me as a cisgender man some of which related to my race that have made my journey a different journey than maybe some other folks journeys but also I think sometimes we have this tendency to isolate trans women doing things that we deem as masculine and go oh that must be because

they were socialized as a man when there are cisgender women who might be just as sort of aggressive I think you know so I think we have to get to this place where we can have a conversation where we can recognize that there are some experiences that might have impacted us through socialization and also not going oh every single time a transgender woman does something that we deem as masculine to go oh that was because you were raised as a boy right and ending that ends up sort of becoming this asterisk on their gender identity in a way and and then it also results in transgender women I think then going okay so does that mean that the only way that I can be perceived and affirmed as myself is to so totally conform to every single notion of femininity yes um is that going to be the only way that I can conform which then means that you know one of the things that

that that I've experienced as a transgender woman is that if I'm too feminine I'm told that I'm a caricature but then if I'm not feminine enough I'm told that I'm not a real woman right and so it's this this double standard that again is just this reflection of the broader policing of gender that everyone is experiencing including all women transgender or cisgender um and so I think it's it's it's a complicated question and I think it's a really interesting question to delve into but it is this this I think it is illuminating of broader issues of gender policing that we experience in society yes so true yeah and then it comes down to as women we're dinged for being ambitious right but we're not we don't get ahead if we don't put ourselves out there it's so the point you just made is when I talk about in the book too about this notion of we require marginalized people to work two three four times as hard to get maybe half as far doing so working that hard requires a degree of intentionality focus and yes ambition that becomes almost impossible to hide

behind the false humility that we so often see of of cisgender men who pretend like they don't care if they get the promotion or they don't have to advocate for themselves or even though they're doing all of these things they hide it behind this false humility and when you have to work twice as hard as three times as hard you can't hide that you can't hide that determination or intentionality or focus or hard work or ambition and so we require people to work twice as hard and then we penalize them for working twice as hard I'm Lauren Schiller and this is inflection point I'm talking with Sarah McBride the National Press Secretary at the Human Rights Campaign and the author of tomorrow will be different coming up in the heat of advocacy Sarah's young husband is diagnosed with a terminal illness we'll be right back I'm Lauren Schiller and this is inflection point I'm talking with Sarah McBride author of

tomorrow will be different subscribe to the inflection point podcast to hear more rising up stories just go to apple podcast radio public stitcher or npr one well I'd love to talk about some of the amazing work that you've been doing in advocacy um I just you know I read your book tomorrow will be different like it was um like this amazing adventure novel like it was I mean I know everything in here is real but the way that you wrote it I just was compelled like what's gonna happen next is it gonna happen and part of it is because I thank you you're welcome I mean part of it I think first of all part of it is because it's just it's well written and it's and you just you explain things really well and it's anyway it's very compelling part of it is that I'm I should be more tied in with what's happening politically and and where we are in terms of the laws that are being passed but I'm not so it was actually like a reveal in terms of what happened right um but because I was so exciting for me to read I would love to just talk about the work that you did

in Delaware and and how you got that done and um you can start the story anywhere you like sure so what to sort of start with with one of the points you made um most people in this country think that um discrimination against LGBTQ people is clearly and explicitly illegal uh and while we've made pretty significant progress in making sure that existing protections based on sex do include transgender people and increasingly LGBTQ people more broadly a majority of states in the federal government still haven't passed protections based on sexual orientation gender identity and employment and housing in public spaces it's shocking it it it it it is shocking I mean 80% of the public thinks that we already have these laws because they recognize the discrimination is up warrant they they think it's it's sort of foundational um and they are always surprised when they learn that that's not the case in fact so surprised that sometimes we have to then spend some time convincing them that that's actually the reality of these laws don't exist um but Delaware was one of those states that still did not have explicit protections for transgender people

and I came out in 2009 the state had passed protections based on sexual orientation but did not include gender identity which is fortunately something that um does not happen anymore um we will never pass non-discrimination bills that protect a portion of the community uh particularly if it's out of the expense of the more marginalized portion of the community but but Delaware was one of the states that still didn't have explicit protections for transgender people and I personally wanted to change that for myself and for other transgender people in the state uh so day in and day out during my senior year in college I went um up to Delaware when I was not in class to advocate to my state legislators the need to adopt this gender identity non-discrimination bill which would have added gender identity to Delaware's non-discrimination protections and employment housing public accommodations and insurance and at the start I tried to approach the advocacy from a really impersonal way just talking about statistics and facts because I was worried that if the building passed that I would feel rejected that I would personally feel like this was the legislators

of the state saying to me personally since I was the one that was there the most um in terms of of meeting with them face to face that this would be them saying we don't want to use Sarah specifically in the state and and it took me a while to get to the point where I found the courage and the confidence in my own voice to be vulnerable and to share my own story to talk about my own experiences and my own fears and I watched my parents connect with these legislators and could tell that I wasn't and so it was a it was a journey for me to recognizing that vulnerability transcends ideology it transcends religion race gender geography everyone understands what it feels like to be vulnerable at some point everyone understands what it feels like to be scared or fearful they don't want it for themselves and hopefully they don't want it for other people and so for me it was a journey through that through that process of finding my own voice of finding my own story and of finally gaining confidence in the importance of sharing my story

and my experience um that advocacy joined with so many transgender people from across the state the equality organization equality Delaware uh in my home state and other national organizations like HRC coming into support us um we were eventually able to convince enough state legislators that behind this conversation on transgender rights are real people and that they could no longer look us in the eye and deny us the equal protection of the laws they swore to uphold uh so we passed that bill in 2013 with a one-vote margin of victory in the senate and fortunately a little bit more cushion in the house uh and then it was signed into law by our state's former governor Jack Marquell who was someone I had actually worked for in 2008 when he was elected um who was an incredible person who isn't an incredible person he's no longer governor but he's still he's still with us um and uh you know for me I witnessed that happen in my first year after coming out and I think it

demonstrated to me that if we can put names and faces to this issue if we can underscore the sense of urgency if we can demonstrate the real-life consequences for so many people across this country that I I do believe we can I think we already have a majority of this country on our side but that we can bring enough uh if we have the right people in office we can bring enough people to our side to adopt these kinds of protections across the country um well I'd love to talk about your you've referred to as your late spouse Andy um who unfortunately passed away at a very young age from cancer um but the relationship that you described with him in your book also seems so powerful like you really just nourished each other um and just it's just such a wonderful depiction of your the short time that you guys had together and I just really appreciated

you sharing the moments you know the moments of that and one of the things that you recount in the book is um something that your brother said um could we talk about that? Yeah you know so Andy was Andy wouldn't want me to canonize him but I will say that Andy was probably the best person that I've ever known um and I think you're your point of the relationship being really enriching is is a really apt point I feel like Andy and I came into each other's lives in the the exact right moments and we were there for each other in in ways that I think was transformational for both of us and I feel like I learned so much from being with Andy both from the experiences but also from Andy directly after we started dating Andy was diagnosed with cancer um he went through radiation chemotherapy and surgery got a clean bill of health a few months later and then he got the news that every patient fears his cancer was back it had spread and for him it was terminal when Andy didn't didn't have much time left he asked me to marry him and of course the answer was

was yes three weeks after his diagnosis his terminal diagnosis we married on the rooftop of our building in front of our family and friends and then four days after that he passed away and through it all my brother who is a radiation oncologist and has watched far too many people pass away he said to me this is going to be incredibly difficult but look around you and take stock in the acts of amazing grace that you will see and I think you know in many ways that sort of finding beauty and tragedy finding the light and darkness can feel like almost tried advice but for me it actually was eye-opening because I then started looking around and I saw truly humanity at its best I saw people putting aside any degree of self-interest any degree of of of sort of pettiness and self you know and I'm bitch I mean it was just people coming together

to truly love and support someone and I saw miracles in the fact that our friends put together a beautiful wedding in five days five days it was truly it was a beautiful wedding had it been put together in three months but they put together this amazing wedding in five days even with all of the health scares going on because you're your pragmatic approaches we'll just we'll get someone in yeah do the vow right so make it happen but our friends sort of came forward and they said we want to make this as special as possible Bishop Gene Robinson who was the first openly gay a piscual bishop in the world presided and helped to sort of corral and mobilize folks but we had friends order flowers and friends order food and friends get the decorations it was just truly it was it was a team effort the miracle of Andy surviving to that day when by all accounts

he probably should have passed several days before the wedding all of these miracles all of this amazing grace that I was able to witness I think didn't just change my perspective in that last month but it's totally changed my perspective in life which is to remember that hope only makes sense in the face of hardship and to remember that even in the darkest moments even in the most troubling times all of us can bear witness to acts of amazing grace we see it every day around us whether it's people speaking out and fighting back against injustice whether it's people protesting and marching whether it's people gathering around a loved one in a time of need whether it's people accepting and embracing an LGBTQ loved one with broad smiles and open hearts whether it's any of those acts of just basic human kindness that we see those acts are happening all around us and I think in many ways that's the story of the LGBTQ community it's the story of every single

battle for civil and human rights throughout our history it's it's that amazing grace that that hope in the face of hardship that only makes sense because of the heartache that is our story and for me that last month of Andy's life has provided me so much courage and so much confidence and so much comfort in moving forward and to always look around to find that beauty and tragedy what would you like to say to parents of young trans kids one of the most profound points that a parent of a trans girl said to me and about their own journey was I had to realize at a certain point whether I wanted a dead son or a living daughter I think for any parent at the beginning of this journey it is so important for them to understand just how important it is to love

their child to accept their child to support their child and I always say to parents of transgender youth who are doing that who are doing what my parents were able to do I always thank them for loving their child and almost uniformly they respond with you shouldn't thank me it's I'm just doing my job and yes they are and I shouldn't the reality remains is that today it is too often the exception there are far too many families who don't do their job who aren't doing what those parents are doing and so I always try to thank them for loving their child and now it seems like we are at this intersection of youth activism and awareness and better understanding of LGBTQ and that those two things are going to come together in a really powerful movement I think that's that's right I mean I think throughout our history young people have been at the forefront of change we're certainly seeing that right now in the aftermath of Parkland but that existed far beyond before then as well I mean whether it's the young people who helped

lead conversations in living rooms and around dinner tables around marriage equality whether it's the young people at the forefront of marches and protests in response to police violence or or gender inequality whether it's Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera who were teenagers in in their early 20s during the Stonewall uprising young people have always been at the forefront and I think one of the reasons why is that one young people have a degree of impatience that I think all of us should feel I'm 27 so I still think I'm young but that everyone should feel that everyone should feel that fierce urgency of now and I think young people have that urgency and have that passion behind their advocacy but I also think they're incredibly effective in their advocacy because young people speak from a place of history and it's not the history of the past but the history that remains to be written young people will be the ones that get to write the history books of tomorrow we will get to decide who was right and who was wrong in

this moment elected officials the general public they understand that and so young people have an incredible gravity to our voice that when met with passion and urgency has made history in the past and I think we'll continue to make history moving forward what's the best advice that you've ever been given about how to approach a problem that you know needs to change but you know in approaching it it's going to be risky you know I think everything is so individualized and everything is so unique to the circumstances that you find yourselves in that my advice to people is always you're the best expert on who you are and what you need and you're the best expert on how you will feel safe you're the best expert on your your well-being you're the best expert again on who you are and there's no one size fits all in these journeys there's no one narrative there's no one way to be you and so I think the advice that I always have to folks whether it's in their own journeys or whether it's in their own advocacy is one there's no wrong way to be

do what you need to do to be safe to be healthy and then in your advocacy also there's no wrong way to be you be you in your advocacy there's no one narrative don't try to feel like you need to conform your narrative or your story to what you think is either the most palatable or the most dramatic just allow yourself to be authentic in that advocacy because I think people will respond but also again take care of yourself do what you will feel most safe doing what you will feel safe as doing and listen to yourself in that journey and take take the cues from yourself not from other people ceramic bride says it's so well there is no wrong way to be you and it should be so simple being seen and accepted for who you are I mean it really is a simple concept

so why does it have to be so hard to get to that point I'd like to see a time when we can just skip the hardship and amp up the kindness but we are not there yet as of 2018 more than half of LGBTQ people live in states that don't protect them from discrimination or even actively hostile toward them some states have enacted laws that allow businesses healthcare providers and government officials to actually deny services to LGBTQ people to see your states equality scorecard and actions you can take to advocate for anti-discrimination laws you can visit the human rights campaign website I'll have a link to it and to ceramic bride's book tomorrow will be different at inflectionpointradio.org this is inflection point I'm Lauren Schiller with stories of how women rise up that's our inflection point for today no woman with a great rising up story let us know at inflectionpointradio.org

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