OutCasting; Healthy teen LGBTQ relationships

it's been this is suggesting mr hudson river valley dealing with lgbt view struggles triumphs lifestyles that favorite jerseys your characters where you don't have to be cleared to be here i'm guessing is a production of west chester public radio web of age at and ninety point three in austin a new york and on the net wgbh dot org hi i'm morgan and on this edition of outcast and we're discussing how the lgbt q relationships i am joanna today about passing were speaking with a domestic violence education prevention program or a deal that team from my sister's place in rochester we have christine was key and the deed that program coordinator hi rebecca drained out really educate or hello and honor out owns another three any educator well today we're speaking about how the teen relationships in the lgbt q committee thanks for joining us

thanks allie ask not what you guys do it my sister's place what your basic common idea behind the deed that and messages that is i'm sorry my sister's place we offer a number of services to victims survivors of domestic violence so some of those services include a legal services so we have lawyers available we have a few shelters located in westchester county that are completely confidential and so no knows where they are we have a lot of counsellors that can come and help you talk about your relationship and whatever you're going through and we have counselors available for teenagers as well as adults i we have support groups and we have an immigration office so you have folks that can help you i navigate the immigration system if you are sort of a victim of domestic violence as well as dealing with immigration issues i'm aware part of as the ad that program which is domestic violence education and prevention and that means that we go into high schools and some middle schools all over westchester county and talk to teens about team dating violence and preventing teen getting

sick what do you think is a healthy relationship how exactly do you define what's a healthy or an unhealthy relationship yeah that's a great question and my sister's place that we've sort of defined a healthy relationship as having three key components of those three key components are respect equality and safety so if you think of respect in a relationship when you think that would look like how would one partner treat another partner with respect well for me respecting early sunset is it goes it's like hand in hand with the equality party if bolt parties have the same say in a she is and if not one of them feels like there a bob another because of how much they meet or like they're in their status in society or anything like that that stuff we would respond that it adds a great answer so treating each other with kindness not calling each other names respecting each other's identities some things like that and i think you also

served on it quality which means treating each other the same way so having the same amount of respect for each other another way to think of the qualities that if one person i immersed sigh rather of both people have equal decision making power so that always is it one percent saying we're going to the movies and they already know drive my car read and have dinner here with these people are rather both people sort of making a decision to gather iman coming to consensus on that so that's kind of what equality might look like safety is really where we find the most abusive relationships common if safety is lacking so safety can be different for everyone and an often it is and safety can be anything from physical safety so feeling safe now now like you're going to be hit or hurt or pushed or anything like that i am but also emotional safety so knowing that you can say whatever you want your partner you can speak your mind you can react to things you can explain whatever you want to do for that night on without fear of your partner getting mad you had a new yelling

you're making fit you feel badly about your decision so if if a relationship as those three pieces respect equality and safety then we believe it's a healthy relationship if it's lack thing it lacking any or all of those then it's either an unhealthy relationship or an abusive relationship one of the main problems that you see at my sister's place specifically regarding lgbt q relationships so there's a lot of different types of abuse that happen in all kinds of relationships and a list a few of those now in these go for both heterosexual relationships this pause lgbt q relationships iman those are physical abuse sexual abuse emotional abuse verbal abuse cyber abuse and financial abuse it have any questions about those we'd be happy to answer them and those can be part of any type of relation to what we see mostly an lgbt q relationships is that there can also be sexuality abuse as was identity of beats

i'm so some examples of this is that and so some of the things that i've seen on an lgbt q relationships that can be really problematic for that lgbt q folks don't necessarily have a model for what a healthy relationship looks like soon the media we're always seeing heterosexual couples were saying you know a boy and a girl dating on tv or in movies or in magazines that's sort of the most common type of relationship as we all know i am as seen through the medium severe a young person in a same sex or queer relationship there's not necessarily as many models for what your relationship should look like so i think that that's a big problem facing the lgbt community and something else that kind of goes hand in hand that is that if you don't have any models for what their relationship is supposed to look like you might not also have alice furlaud to talk to if you feel that you are in an abusive relationship so if you don't know anyone else that you're comfortable talking to a beer relationship a still closeted are you haven't come out and told anyone i am than if you're sort of in an abusive relationship on

top of that it kind of adds to the pressure put on that relationship because you don't have have anyone to talk to have any want to say how i get out of this error or what kind one thing that when we talk about how the relationships the team's other have their heterosexual are causing the c q x relationships is i think it's exposing your vulnerabilities it's exposing your secrets to another person and putting trust in that person so whether you are ira whatever elation same sex or almond had a sexual it's a hard thing to do on the defining where that safety as is even hard so i think rebecca is completely right that i am not only do we not have modeled and our media and our society that are necessarily showing us how to do it but why armenian society exposes those two and relationships secrets and respect and safety are not always are on the tapes are we talk about jersey shoreline in our presentations so these are some of the images we see just for

relationships that are full of violence followed i am exposing people and so in a community where this is often a very long and changing process or even a sorting process but a lot of vulnerabilities are there and how does that affect it oh one of these starts to happen how to people use that against another partner to make someone feel unsafe so that's a lot of what we see as well that's kind of secret sharing before it's ready to be shared that's why i think that one of the really big things that we talk about and some are presumed to asians is emotional and verbal abuse and i think about really can play a really difficult role and lgbt q relationships in which one partner can really coarse and manipulate our minds had only put that person down based on who they are or like rebecca stead some of that and other facilities that we see you most often an lgbt q relationships identity abuse and sexuality abuse which can be really hurtful and really dangerous and some relations it's

especially my casino rebecca said if the person doesn't have anyone to go to or feels like they can come out as not only being on an lgbt q community but also being a victim of abuse which can be really really difficult and that's also i think goes into sort of the newly about sexuality but i'm trans issues kind of player on this deal because if if one person relationship is starting to transition our are talking about transitioning that sort of another opportunity for an abusive partner to put more pressure on the person whether they say i want you to transition i don't lead a transition are what you are take this direction with your you know your section of a transition whenever it is i'm so that's another issue i think with within relationships where one or both partners or are transitioning you mentioned all of emotion that there isn't really a media model of what a healthy lgbt q relationship bears so how you provide not just teenagers to anybody's seeking your services on isis replaced with a model for a healthy relationship

so i think one of the ways that we try to do in the presentations is christine said by showing what we don't think is that really how the relationship and have picking up our and saying these are the qualities in those relationships that we find so unhealthy what are some ways that we can really kind of cheetos or c those and recognize those in the media and and so like christine's average for example for jersey shore we would say that now we didn't necessarily have you said that there are some really dangerous i'm alisa qualities in those relationships and the way they look like and where the different types of abuse and we spent a lot of time talking about some of the warning signs are is i think one of the ways and are there other ways isn't sure that and christine kids feet in a minute but one of the ways that we really try it says show what a healthy relationship can be is by breaking down what those early on healthy relationships are and kind of pinpointing those exact things that make them on healthy or abusive relationships and a lot of times do we asked the teens that are in our presence now we can say this as disrespectful

but it might not feel that's disrespectful for them so at other times on working with teens we asked them what would it feel like if you're disrespected what has that looked like if you feel any one your licence and why might that be what what's your points that make this start to feel unsafe so we go back to that respect the qualities safety because what we believe is that once you feel that loss of safety that's when you start to see the abuse happened when you look at identity and as rebecca was towing now a transitioning out that that can look so different i can look as it sounds i can look as encouraging but what does it mean for the team and sitting there and i'm also tells idea that sometimes you know call the teens asking should i be nervous about this commonwealth things that iran will back i do every time than the classroom as they give out some warning signs of what to look for in your relationship whether it's had on social or lgbt q where does that safety give you that that feeling that makes you feel like this is not a good

relationship anymore i need to talk to a friend about it today we're speaking with christine are back and on air from my sister's place and westchester part of the domestic violence education and prevention programs already that about healthy teen relationships in the lgbt q community you know you're talking about lake how its teams ask why should i worry about well what are some things that teens should worry about a relationship with what are some specific signs of an unhealthy or misa relationship some of the things that we talk about representations in that we've maybe had experience with with teens telling us or with ourselves i'm one of the major things is bully si is jealousy so we call as extreme jealousy and it's i'll when one partner is jealous of everyone there other partner talks to hangs out with spends time with accent or so it's pretty natural for people to feel jealous in relationships is not necessarily a good thing but if it's out of you know it it doesn't go to any extreme level it it's ok whoa whoa whoa we see an abusive relationships is that one partner will

really act on their jealousy so they'll tell their girlfriend or boyfriend her however on whoever they are dating that they don't want them seeing this person and they don't want them talking to them or texting them are hanging out with them are whether it be an ex partner their family friends coworkers anything like that so that's a really big sign of an abusive relationship and it often comes out very small i personally very slowly and it can be very small how it manifest so while it may come to the extreme that are back as tommy mair that now you're only spending time with me this kind of control over who and where and when and how you behave outside of this partnership on the times that the thing they're looking for to make this extreme jealousy and i think to a casino sam has a lot to do with controlling that personally ten isolate them from the people around them so i know we had spoken a lot about different ways to control someone but some of the other ways that we see especially an lgbt q relationships can be really who you hang out where

that we tell about anything that has to do with your personal life my way you go when organizations or what club do you belong to any if you have an outlet ahmed like that's a year in that part of the gsa you're you're involved in the lgbt community attend some kind of your organization something like that really try to control and take that we from you and say you know you can go to those things you can be a part of those in that in any way shape or form of sports or clubs activities in general can be really debilitating to teams that are in an abusive relationship because like we said before they they really don't have anywhere to go necessarily travis is also a curse and he had a comma i have my question is just about you talk about how some of these simple things like jealousy jealousy can lead him to extreme jealousy and that's how relationship can be abusive boats were some of the ways to stop the relationship from becoming abusive at these early stages of jealousy or other things i think that's one of the hardest parts and it is always say you're not going to know

when you meet someone on the first day that your enemy an abusive partner so knowing these warning signs like we said about extreme jealousy or isolating from fighting these are people that you love and that gut feeling you have in your stomach that something's gone off on this this thing here she's sad or the thing he or she did it made me feel nervous listen to those with their friends and talk to friends about it because you have a sounding board and then when whether it becomes abusive you have another person to keep talking to to keep asking that advice and if it does get a visa and someone to ask help for i remain somewhat to recommend to people who are in abusive relationships but don't feel it it's possible for them to terminate it whether a person is threatening armed by hurting themselves or they just can't feel like they can and the relationship at all so does a really great question it's a question we hear light not only in their teens recently since but just in talking

address it wasn't general and i think one of the really key things out we like to say that my sister's place that where a victim based organization which means that someone calls and says everyone how my friend and i wonder how this person in my life around we really really believes that the best way that that person could leave an abusive relationship is is by their choices by them doing it themselves and not sound like such a tough concept because i'm having seen easily two ships i'm sure christian rebecca can agree that this hearing at these relationships is just so taxing on i knew one hour you do in general and you know there are points when you kind of just wanna say just leave why don't you just leave but we do spend a large majority of our present he's instructing out why it's not so easy to leave and that said i think that it's so important to really have a strong when christine said sounding border support system and that they can a person's life that they would be able to feel strong enough to want to leave their relationship on their own and party and especially if it could be one of the

first relationships that thing sewed the decision they made on their own personal i'd choice and bias and especially in an lgbt q relationship you're making a very positive statement about your identity lee so when it you make that choice and you find out its not the masters are uniting him being abused and used to love this person sometimes it's really really hard for some to say i made the wrong choice or how is this person hurting me and i still love them so i think the best thing we can do is the franzen wasn't about it is it takes a long time for someone believed and just making sure they're safe almond tins call me for counseling to our hotline which we can tell you more about it's one eight hundred two nine eight safe on people call a lot of the times they're finding out what they can do most of the times i would say kids don't wanna leave right away or they don't know what city you so the first thing i asked him is it safe right now what does faith means you if you are clashing where sage who do you have to ask

for help and do you feel ok calling them for help right now so that's the best thing you can live here in a situation as i ask if i'm safe if i don't feel safe but i still love this person who do i set up what friend knew i call if it becomes unsafe yeah and i would say that as a friend something that you can really do this is give that person some options so christine sort of mention this but let the person know that there are there's a hotline number to call those people to talk to there's you know that its counselors and teachers and people available for that person who is who is being abused to really i'm get help in whatever way they need is oftentimes were victims of domestic violence or ti dating violence feels that they feel powerless they feel trapped you feel kind of stuck where you are still having options having ideas of what you can do when you're ready either it's a really really big thing for that person and one thing i just ask as teams out there because you're in any of the ones that on either the first ones we hear about this stuff cause teens talk to teens before they talk to an adult cell

listened to them before you react i am because i was the money is that i'm not sure if i'm in a good relationship and they come to someone and they immediately want to hurt the next person or make me and i'm afraid that might be something that makes me stop talking to you so you wanna be that friend who keeps talking to the person who's being abusive or being an open door for them because one of a band's lead they will ask their ultimate get out of that situation to flee today we're speaking with christine are back and on air from my sister's place and westchester part of the domestic violence education and prevention programs already that about healthy teen relationships in the lgbt q community also here about passing we haven't even won a narrow casting members and he had a question earlier in the interview you mentioned two types of abuse are common among lgbt view relationships which our identity and sexuality i don't understand what those

mean you can use when i'm also and at that particular to lgbt q i think anyone can be abused based on their identity or whether it's your name you're being made fun of or what have you but we find that it's particularly i'm a focus for something that happens and lgbt relationships serbian news on your identity is based on anything about you some ways we might see this is you're not good enough you're not lesbian a lesbian enough or it could be that you know this is what i perceive you should be in our relationship and it could be using things that either society thinks on lgbt q should be what you think it as what you determine in your relationship and it changes or maybe it's your style how you looked as a gay man or gay one and our transgender person maybe it's not hitting the role that i presume so taking pieces of your identity or your sexuality and using that against you to control your take power away from you the types of

abuse that we've mentioned throughout our time here aren't really so specific in terms of just being just physical abuse or just emotional abuse side do our economy that clear that all the different types of abuse especially in lgbt q relationships that we've been talking about don't necessarily have to just fall under one category so for example if you have someone that identifies as bisexual on a relationship and someone says oh well you're not you know i'm i think bicycle people are supposed to do this actually are that's actually a maybe china to force or coarse or manipulate that person into doing some things actually that they don't want to deal armed because of who they are and how they identify and that can be really scary because that's not just like we said just one very specific type of abuse and i mean thinking that logically that is going to play really serious part in how that person and defines who they are defines their relationship and even how they feel so emotional abuse as wealthy complained that so against every not just about the abuses separately and it is really important i think of them kind of combines that they can really play off of one

another which the abuser nose and can really play into in our relationship as well and again christians imagine this before but it doesn't necessarily have to be as obvious or as explicit as i'm trying to control you you know one of these apartment and can sort of they can almost sound romantic tale is it's easy example that i really love it when you wear your hair really short when you wear really tight clothes or i really really hate it when you talk to the person because it does hurt me and i don't want you to hurt me or you please just kind of stopped talking to them or i can't stand to second to stay another in a second away from you will you please just come over to a kind of sounding really romantic but ultimately leading to the control and i can command any kind of relationship and as i say you know and i said it can be any type of abuse within it a lot of people that i know friends strayed care whatever they don't feel like they're ready to go and her relationship or they don't know when to qualify something as relationship and what are some of the scientific someone should be ready to go and relationship or they should not go into relationship

i think it's total unique to the person and whatever they feel personally comfortable with and i think that's a really good lesson in general is just being aware of what you are comfortable with are you ready to be in a relationship with someone how to commit what women and with someone is your personal comfort level there i'm and then once you if you believe that you are ready for that i'm looking at that respect the quality and safety that we feel or you know a part of every healthy relationship an end making sure that your level of respect equality and safety are being met with in that relationship so i think it's pretty unique to that to the person and then take a couple and i think to cristina mentioned at me a really strong gut feeling about sending his intensive relationships and that may not be a bird bad debt ceiling it could just be a gut feeling in general and i just might not be ready for this right now or this might not be the person for me right now and i think it it is really important to really pay attention to that within yourself because it rebecca said it really is unique to one specific person so for

something i may be ready for someone else might not be ready for some really pay attention so to weigh your body leaves office telling you and i'm away feeling a certain situation things are team i look i am really proud of our team for going into different schools is that we talk about all the stereotypes that out there we talk about all the shreds what you should be doing what society says you you should be and neither does actor to me so bad actor to you so there's no time when so when you should start dating her when you should start acting actually there's no definitions that we need to stick in a box for you can determine that on iran on so i think iran a backer both like right followed those instincts that tell you what's good for you and besides you guys going into schools or health classes talk much these things were teasing kids are supposed to learn what a healthy relationship is like if they don't have that at home or they don't really see it in the media or anything we actually ran this year and the year before that we actually went to pride works with his analogy music you'd seen

on conference in november and media presentation about healthy relationships there and about lgbt q specific relationships bit this year and last year we did one about bullying in lgbt q our communities and schools and so it it that and it's a wonderful way to kind of get out there and get our voices heard and anti china you know bring their psyche why ct not just in schools and less as their but for some other conferences is wow you mentioned that you had a twenty four hour hotline so what would that memory assets one intended to nominate safe which is seven to three very ominous teens can caught adults can call it it's twenty four hours a day seven days a week if you're also a teen who is omar was to become the phone you can also umass at the vet staff which is tv p s t a half hour it you know that kind of eyewitnesses not twenty four seven and if it is an

emergency please call the hotline or nine one one but this is a place where if you do have questions we can answer and we do all of our services are open to people all along the gender and sexuality spectrum so if you are an adult that's lgbt q or a team that's lgbt q please feel free to utilize or services we've been speaking with christine are back and on air from my sister's place in westchester part of the domestic violence education and prevention program where diva about healthy teen relationships and the lgbt q committee thanks for speaking with us thank you very much for having us and now we're all very excited to be here teams really do reach out to teams first we thank you for being advocates that the us and allies to fighting that team beating balances low if you or someone you know is in a domestic violence situation called a confidential three twenty four hour hotline at my sister's place at one eight hundred to nineteen seventy three very the number is one eight hundred to nineteen seventy three three you can also visit them online at msg and why dot org

or on the how passing the age as a community resource at the median age or that's it for this edition of outcast at the lower hudson river valley is only gets run radio show dealing with lgbt q struggles triumphs lifestyles and favorite jerseys our characters where you don't have to be cleared to be here if you are having trouble whether it's at home at school or just with yourself call the trevor project lifeline at eight six six forty eight seven three eight six or visit them online at the trevor project dot org the shredder project is an organization dedicated to lgbt youth suicide prevention again that number is eight six six or eight eight seven three eight six different isn't a reason to hate him or hurt yourself podcasting is a production of west chester public radio w d at each app and ninety point three offset the new

yorker and on the magnet w deities dot org for more information on this program and a list of resources including the trevor project suicide hotline visit us at wgbh dot org and click on how testing i'm morgan thanks for joining us today to get next time it's been tough but