New Mexico and the Vietnam War: Portrait of a Generation; Interview with Jane Carson, Disc 3 of 3

after Sarah was killed. You don't ready yet? No, you're. I'm assuming it's a matter of something. Go ahead. What's that you lost? Go ahead. This is a poem that I wrote one night at the end of the day. This is a poem that I wrote one night after a big, big push, and we got a lot of casualties in. And it was a hellish night. Born of English on a hot, two-lawed night, a despair that was too overwhelming to recall. It's of a man barely old enough to shave, lay on the gurney at death's doorway. What can I do? What can I say to lessen the carnage on this hellish day? You wrote that because of what you saw?

I wrote it. I forgot that I'd even written it. You see how messy it is. I rewrote it so I could sort of read it. I can't read my old handwriting, but it was in connection with that young man on the gurney. We had a huge push, and this young man that had been rolled off into the splot room to die because his wounds were too great to do anything about. And so, when I finally got home that night, I jotted this poem down. I'm not a poet, but, and it's not really a poem, it's more like a story, but I held that young man until he died. I do have something else to ask.

Do you have anything else to ask for? I don't have anything else to ask for. Yes. When I came back home and knew there was something terribly wrong with me, but no one recognized

it because either the chief of the course said nurses shouldn't have PTSD because they weren't in combat. And I suffered for so long on my own, and then finally I realized in order to help others, I had to, in order to help myself, I had to help others. So, I got involved first in the Vietnam Women's Memorial, and now with my animal work with pause, but it's very important while you are trying to at least get on some sort of a solid footing, and you're never the same again. I mean, there's no way you can be the same again. It's very important to remember that when you go down into that valley, that you're always going to come up the other side.

A couple of times I almost forgot that, but thank to God, Lord, I didn't, and I'm here. Animals are important to what they do for you, and you can put the book down. The animals save my life, literally. I've always loved animals, but they certainly were a part of my healing process because a dog or a cat or a horse or whatever it is, they have unconditional love. All they require from you is that you feed them and pet them, take care of them. But other than that, no matter what, no matter what your mood is, no matter how deep in despair you are, they are there for you. So that's why I chose animal work my second after the memorial. And animals, I'm sure that a lot of people know, have proven that they can help with this transforming of the PTSD psyche.

Again, you're never the same, it never goes away, but you know that there's something you can do in this world and to make it better. How well do you sleep? I don't sleep for a well-in-night, haven't since Vietnam, but I'm able now that I'm retired, I'm able to control my schedule. So if I'm up half the night, which I usually am, then I will sleep a little later in the morning. And I manage it that way. Why do you think you don't sleep? It's all the intrusive thoughts. And when I do go to sleep, even sometimes when I have them as thinking I'm going to have them and not morning to go there, you know, not morning to feel those feelings again, because there's times when you could be right back in Vietnam again, I'll wake up in a cold sweat

and be with a patient on the ward, something happening there. It would be a wonderful thing if they found a way to cure it, but there's no cure for it. It's in the cellular, it's in their sales. And for a long time, I did not accept that, and I thought that I was going to be the same person that went into the ward, but it doesn't happen that way. You have to adjust, and you have to find your own passion to continue in this world to be helpful. And that's very important to me, to be helpful. I wouldn't go into nursing otherwise. Do you have nightmares? Oh, yeah, a lot. They're better now, not as frequent, I should say.

The nightmares aren't any better, but not as frequent. And I'm on medication, you know? That's one of those things where you'll have to help me by saying, yes, I have nightmares. Do you have nightmares? Yes, I do. I have a lot of nightmares that are not as frequent as before. But they are still there, and they're just as bad. Medication helps. Are you back in the ward, and what are the people I'm sharing? The young man on the gurney comes back to me often. I like to say that maybe I was there when he died, but I think he probably had just died when I got to him. That young man still haunts me because it was such a dichotomy.

Here's a youngster on a gurney. It was a handsome black man. Boy, you know, like I say, hardly able to shave. And he looked like he was sleeping, but he was mortally wounded. And I didn't realize that until I picked him up a little bit to hold him. Because you couldn't see any signs of wounds. And you still have nightmares over there? And that's still part of your nightmares? I guess that's why I need you to say that that's part of it. And that's part of the nightmares I have. Some of them, there's others that's too gruesome to even talk about. Bob is ready to go for his margarita.

Yeah, he's ready to go for his margarita. You have a very loyal staff. Anything you want to say, because I think we touched on all those key points? I'd just like to say that for all those people who thought Vietnam was a waste. It might have been at the time we wasted a lot of ammunition and money. But in a long run, I think we have turned the tide with the youngsters. And there will be freedom in Vietnam. So the lives lost were not in vain. Some people still think that, oh, you know, all those lives, 57,000 plus. But they weren't.

They're lies counted, and the Vietnam will be a free country one day. Thank you very much. Let's wrap them up. Let everybody sit. We have steel. We're just going to listen to the room. In those little eggs, there's chocolate eggs, and there's a melted milk. Those are the goodies. Are you good? You're welcome.

That's right. Thank you so much. Bye. Hey, Bobo. Hey, Bobo. Hey, Bobo. Hey, Bobo.

What are you doing? How are you doing, buddy? Yeah, I am. Look at all that stuff. You left me. I've got to give you some, too. Yes. Give you some, too. Do you guys have a lonely day today? No.

I keep telling her she needs to be here. I'm telling her she needs to go poople outside. She insists on doing it inside. Don't you, girl? It's my favorite skill. Huh? They're watching to her like you were before. She's a good old girl. You sure? They love that grain. Don't you? I need to go over to Bobo's.

Excuse me. Did he come out? She's still working on her. She's still working on her grain? Yeah. They love to get out. They're not much bow anymore. Oh. Yeah. You're my god, aren't you? Okay, Jane. You can do what you're doing. Okay. Can I put you to finish the halter? Huh?

Oh. Okay, Jane, you could... I can't forget what I can, pictures. You're a boy. There you go. There you go. You're my good buddy. Are you? You enjoyed that. Is he just going to take your picture? Yes, he is. My good boy. That's what I see you done. Okay, go ahead. Don't you know you're loved. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Want me to drop you a little bit? It's a kind of hold, right? But what I read. Okay, go ahead and back to that there. Yeah, you go, boy.

You don't feel good. He says, oh yeah, that looks good. I'm just starting to lose a hair. Is he okay if I talk? Yes. First have flank again, that's great. Yeah. Head up towards his ribs a little. Up here. He loves this. It's a curry comb. Get some of the loose hair out. I've loved horses since I came out of the womb.

I think I told you that one time. Everywhere they were trying to give away a pony. When I was growing up, I was there. I never won one, but I was there. Putting in my steps. You can stop talking now. Keep doing that brushing. Keep brushing. Okay. That hair. Easy to look at him. I'm just kind of don't move around too much. I'm trying to get some focus here, which is always an interesting endeavor.

There we go. Okay, you can go back to brushing him. There we go. Nice. Just slowly. Don't look at the camera. And don't talk. Or look at the camera. You can say I love you, bro. That's what I usually talk to him. I can talk to him. Yes. I do love you, bro. You're my best man, you know that? Yes, you are. You're a good guy. We went on a good long, many, many, many long rides together, didn't we?

I'm sorry you feel bad. Okay, so start with the back end. Okay, go ahead. And tell him you love him. I love you, bro. You're my guy. We had some good rides together, didn't we? Yes, we did. You're a good fella. You feel a little bit better? That medicine? Do you? Can I do one maneuver on him to get this foot back? Come on.

Come on. Come on. And there I was before. Come on. Come on. There you go. He's actually pulling away from me because it feels good for his back. There are tails like a rubber band, it expands and contracts, but... So that means it feels good to him what he's doing now with his mouth. And man, he's really pulling. Good boy.

Is that enough? Okay. So tell me, Scott, the softest lips and gimme a kiss. You got to suck, well I don't kiss his lips, but... You are the gorgeous guy as you are. I love you, bro. I love you so much now be up there with you one of these days okay so give me another kiss I love you guys yes I do I love you bro I love you bro I never look at me oh so hold on we're gonna start all over again oh my goodness I know it's terrible so looking at him I'll talk you through it

wait for me nope hold on a sec he's getting tired of it yeah okay so looking at him give me a kiss and then tell me love I love you bro yes I do you're my good you're my best boy one more time I love you bro yes I do the beauty helping you in it you're gonna be in movies okay I love you guys okay one more kiss I love you yes I do and step back just a little bit jean towards the fence towards the fence towards the fence just trying to get a shot of bow without you

there we go without me pulling back a little bit jean here we go oh he's gonna make it hard for me you get a little bit of a great buddy okay yep and we're good now so you can do it anytime let's go buddy whoops let's go buddy let's go go mo go this would be last round okay so it's you're gonna be at pictures and I'll have a movie of you yes I'll have a movie of you

okay you can come back in okay come on come on you can make it come on come on come on please come on big boy let's go come on come on can't do it I don't think he can do it okay sorry come on we'll get you more pellets no let's go let's go come on bubble come on bow come on bow come on buddy

come on big boy come on oh Come on, Bob. Shush, shush. Yeah, he's not, I'm not gonna love it lad in the suffer, but you know, it's just about all we can do. He's worn out down there. Oh, he came back, come here. I'll miss you.

I know some way to encourage him a little bit. Come on, Bob. Look here. Hold on, just a sec, hold on. I'll glide up there if you want it. Oh no, I'm just trying to get to the place where I can actually see inside here, and we're almost there. He loves these pellets, I don't like these pellets, go ahead, he's a good boy. He really is.

He's so spoiled, I don't know what I want to do without you, there you go. They have so many little fine muscles in their lips that they can pick up, like see all that dust on there, if he will try over there to pick up some of the pellets that he's dropped. He can usually do it, but it's hard for him to put his neck down now, watching him put his foot out. He's got a lot to eat.

He's in here. Come over here. Over here? Don't let him come out because he would love to come out. Okay. Come on, big boy. Let's get you some hay. Come on. Okay, bow, come here, yes, it's a camera, come on, little boy, all different kinds here. Good boy, okay, could you stand right there and just look at him? Okay, keep looking at him, here we go, get his attention.

Bow. Yeah, it's in cameras, have you, not like that, does it feel good? No talking and reach out to him again. Okay, stand back. Step back. Step back. Hands away and without talking, reach out to him. One more time where you have your hands by side and reach out to him again and pet him.

There we go, go ahead, come here, bow, bow, come here, be a boy, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. Great, thank you. Come on girl. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, thank you. I'm going, which way you want me to go.

You want me to drive my little. No, I think you're fine. You can just go right out like that. That's fine.