City Life; 202; Inventing Yourself

The the time you were saying you mind on city life. This is sort of my first chance to legitimately come on to the scene of fashion and the fact that I am able to do that is a big deal. You know guys go go go. That column for selling it is more cocky than my real person.

She's always looking for a guy and really aggressive. My name is Lieutenant some of the moment struck here. I knew I wanted to be a firefighter since I was four years old. Please let me get this what I want to do. Then you just jump in with both feet. You know what. I have a theory that there's something in the News of the city that generates a kind of electricity

because people come to New York. They walk quicker quicker. A lot of people come to New York because they smell something cooking. There's fat on the fire here. People who want money who want excitement who want sex who want they come to New York to make their mark. And if they don't make their mark they come to get what they can get. New York is a city of self-creation only in New York. Is it encouraged in New York. Your you're a freak if you're not a freak. People come here because this is a place where you are allowed to and expected to be somebody whatever that may be. And you're sort of expected to be someone from nowhere who shows up and pulls it together.

I think inventing yourself is part of the process of making it New York. I came to New York because growing up in the small town I definitely stood out like a sore thumb. I mean I was 14 15 sewing my own clothes. I just had to break out from where I was. I just got on the plane and came here. I don't even know Manhattan was an island. And I realized I'm in a place where everybody sort of just feels like I feel everybody wants to be somebody do something I want to create an image. I want to plant seeds that I make

some funky dress that people are going to say I want to buy that dress and I'll do whatever I have to to make that happen. We have a lot of things to discuss. I want to kind of tell you what my vision is for follow what I what I'm thinking. This is sort of my first chance to legitimately come onto the scene a fashion everyone shows in the tents like Donna Karan and Bill Blass I mean HUGE people and the fact that I am able to do that is a big deal. I'm thinking 1940s lesbian. OK. Sort of a tough look but a beautiful look and sort of a hard look. I want the real fur IDEO here to give me that Bush. I kind of like that too. I just need to make sure that I can afford this. I am scraping together money for a collection. Everything that I have is going into my show.

But I feel like right now this is my time to gamble. Actually let me see if there's a different blue this is my feel a little happy. How much of these what do you think how the image that I have to present is one of being a professional designer I have to pretend like I have a lot of money somebody like me to really cause a stir. I do fake it. How are you nice to you. I'm Mark. I'm THIS IS PATRICK. We're going to see all the girls that we've requested from all the major agencies and these agencies have a green light to give us these girls for free for press you build them for press for us. Is there any chance any well that's we've got like a very girl like sunsets in the tent and you have and it's hard this season it's amazing. We got really lucky this year and people were like really all like We want to help you want you know we want you to be big so that

someday you'll maybe be able to pay us. Yeah. We try not to be above our audience because we're right down there with them. It's a nice term. Great. Those girls are used to making 10 gram walking in a show. It's like giving somebody thirty thousand dollars by letting me use these girls for free. Yeah that's really great. I love that. See these loser to budget their budget blues and then there so this is OK to lose. I just need to make sure that I can afford this. This is not good right here. They have to be really really perfect and I know that you can do perfect work because you do it all the time. You cannot sew a

red sleeve with black thread period. And do you see this as you that looks really bad. These are samples these are going on a runway these are. Everybody's going to see these are going to be photographed. So OK this is where you have to call and ask me some questions because there's no zipper in this. There's no way to get it on. It's hard because if everyone says well you know Mark your show really sucked. It's hard really not to think that I really soft. And deep down I'll know that I probably didn't do the job that I could have done. I don't want to feel that I didn't do my best. I know that. That one time round I'm

not going to see a little bit of her beautiful fox fur. We're going to see some really strong style what is the theme of today. It's sort of a 20s French lesbian thing. Well so far all the girls here are going to see one two three four five. This is Patrick from Mark Montana make sure that Nigel knows a copy is an hour late. Make sure you are totally mentally prepared to dress your next girl. Are all the blouses bras that you know OK we can't find it. Was it at the store of the red dress. Do you know what addresses that box girlfriend. We've had a lot of money for that box that needs to be shown there on the matter of my line up. GO GUYS GO GO GO. Forgive

me soon as you get off you go just go all the way out of the way and gradually gradually gradually gradually get on it. I

mean wow. Oh my God that's who you are to call the Manhattans Mark Montana went wild with where where where. And I went wild with her this knockout glamour Lux. There you go. Mark Montana joins the big time. I've opened the door everybody knows my name now everyone in the fashion industry.

Everyone's seen the photos in my collection. I definitely made myself look bigger than I am. I presented this thing and they bought it. But I knew that now the pressure is really on me to keep up with the image that I've created so this is really where if you can xfer me whole. Part of self-invention is admitting to ambition and it is acceptable to be a person here who is striving. It's a completely normal paradigm of existence here whereas in some other city you might just feel I'm pathetic and no one knows who I am and no one cares. I think here you're part of a whole tradition of people who are possibly the best I can possibly know and

you are possibly no one cares but you might make it. As I headed east on First Street toward the bar my heart started to raves with the two of us wind up getting along or would he reveal himself to be just as much a jerk as all the other guys. And he did what make me like him any less or would I cut him the same slack I always cut down. I wanted him to make the first move so I kept talking pretending I didn't notice he was holding my hand and then he said Can I just interrupt you for a second. I really want to kiss your ear. And he did. I did not plan to be a writer I planned to be an actress. I was

working as a temp and hardly going on any auditions and I was really depressed and then I got mugged one night with a friend of mine and I wrote this story about how depressed I was and how my life would be so much better if only I had a boyfriend. And then I melted into the New York press and they called me up and said that they wanted to publish it and then two weeks later they offered me a regular caller and I sleep over I said and instead of saying I have a lot of shit to do tomorrow it's probably not a good idea. He just said I'd like that although I wanted to lick his face. I held myself back because I knew from experience the quickest way to turn an open guy into a closed one is to tell you how happy it makes you that he's open. The conceit of the column is that it's a diary.

Even though it's not a diary. The column persona was a lot more cocky than my real true Southerner. She's always looking for a guy thinking about sex all the time and really aggressive. And to an extent all of those attributes are our attributes I possess but they don't comprise my entire personality. My column has definitely scared a lot of guys off. They say I have no desire to be written about. They would rather date a normal girl. I definitely get lonely. I have nights where it's a Friday and I don't have a day and it can be terrifying in a way. On the other hand I'm really worried that if I get in a long term relationship it could

compromise the salaciousness of my work so I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. What's good for my material isn't necessarily good for my mental and emotional health. And what's good for my mental and emotional health isn't necessarily good for my material. But it could be a lot worse. I could be miserable not earning any money off it but the way it is now at least my misery and mere profit. I'm going to have to galleys. Yeah that's six months after I got the call my I got a book deal to write a novel based on the column about a sex columnist who couldn't get a date. I'm so excited I can't believe I'm holding it in my hand. That's right. Also I'm working with the production company to pitch a animated series based on female trouble

starring me wearing my own clothes recreating events that have really happened to me. I really what we're talking about is creating a superhero in a way you know more or less really. Yeah. So she's like you filthy jerk I don't ever want to go out with you again. I want to just exactly do I want to keep on writing and all not a single girl forever. And you know I've been gazing at my knee will so long my next I'm really hurting. I want to write about other things I want to write about things that are wider than my experience I want to write another voices another for us. But I think when I look back this woman's going to be the most fun. Inventing

yourself means becoming what you want to become finally when you decide what really is it that speaks to you in your heart. You can prevent yourself in a lot of different ways you can invent yourself with a very individual thing identity profession whatever. Or you can decide to become part of a group that's larger than you. That's another way to put yourself in this time line. I did it at the White House stuck in the office trying to find stuff and there's no comparison. You know every kid wants to be fired. I knew I wanted to be a firefighter since I was four years old. I loved everything. Firefighters love trucks I love the helmet. You know I had you know the Tonka toy and you know I mean

there's just something about it. These jobs to keep up with you for your job at the same time is not to look away from everybody. When I left my job I left the Good Turn out there who said you're crazy people are running out of those buildings you're going to run into. Give me a bit of a party and wish me well. I saw them all shake their heads and I walked out the door. First the two met me you didn't meet me at my name is Lieutenant some of the I'm instructed Why would anyone want to go into a burning building. Why would you want to go in a burning building. I the reason why I became an instructor was I got tired of going to funerals. I mean it was a space of time when like in two days it was not a fight if I killed. But we don't want to

pout. Yes civilians will never understand what it's like to go to a funeral in New York fire bombing you will unfortunately you will. When this came up it was a chance to impart on young men and women all the things that I learned. You try to impart knowledge to them. You try to give them the tools. You try to grow on them that it's dangerous job without scaring the living bejesus out of them. But in your heart you also know that anything can happen to these kids. Right now it is one of everybody there there's guys from the island that's from upstate. Guys from within the city. Whoever you are hey we're on the same level here you know better than anybody else in the beginning I mean we all got sworn in and washes outside in approach that like my order are going to start at same level and get reduced down to one school I

wanted to get an individual number. They just become one big identity now with no military background. I'm supposed to know what can hot me and I don't know my left from my right you're a bundle of nerves and it's it was you know it was pretty overwhelming. Usually you've got to say you're not really like me or anything to make a joke. Right the way I teach them is to bring them down and then we build them to humble them. You have to help your brother. The window you're going to be directed a minute now what if you are somebody you are going to not going to the street you don't still want to talk about but this exposure presumes your server. You know the lawyers or the tough guys what a muscle guys

want to go into shape you and mold she was sorry the way you write. He just disappeared into a window. He just disappeared into a window that can make you think that's what you should do this if it was right. Right this is pretending no one is going to die here. The victims of plants but in the real world the camp is burning. You make a big mistake and that big mistake of course someone their life and maybe right experience ruined a young man who went down to sex like you come and see me right now reporting you're seeing it right. My biggest struggle had to be confidence you know the other guy next to you there was no question in your mind that he was as frightened as you.

Each guy individually has to overcome their own fears and their nervousness about the situation that they have never been in before. Downstairs when we get there who has a sentry you know so you're not doing something differently than I am. It's a team it's unique. You know you can't do anything on your own was right there you know. DONILON to me if I take the risk. While they call it the smoke house you know where we are our whole lens is blacked out you can't see a thing you feel good like that. You know see even less now. Oh boy you're looking good like that. The reason why I blindfold them is because you know you can see you had the funny face right you guys ready. Here we go you come to me all the way you look this is a lot more than taking notes in class for me. So I created atmosphere stress was the really key you were in a room.

Come Friday 5:00 a.m. your packages Yeah right airport or for your kid already. Oh they're going to get out of the snow. You are 57 to get out or we're there we're ready was yeah I'm right here and local shop where I was had no close up what I was feeling. I didn't really know how I was going to get out. You wouldn't want to write for me. I was actually going to a God like you was worried about running out of air and I just said I gotta stay right gotta stay right there right. I want you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. We're going to cure both of you stand right. That's all you know right.

You I'm a lawyer. Right here right hand corner of what people buy the last couple years. There's lessons to be learned from it and that's what they're trying to teach us these lessons of why the brothers died. You know there's something good could come out everything and I mean that is reality for me that was you know I am bad at this and I'm going to have to work if I'm going to you know I don't let him do this. I found myself more slowly roll from the Hessen I get something done by myself. I found out that you don't necessarily have to do that you can work with with other guys that want to get the same goal by the right. I think when someone becomes a firefighter they don't realize probably until they retire. That was that was my wife. I don't like a job like this you know experience I

think it's probably the only thing that's going to really make you a good firefighter. You're a firefighter that's what you do. That's what you're going to do for 20 or 30 years. And I finally found the place which opened a long room. I don't think you so much invent yourself as Discover yourself in New York. New York is a certain kind of Darwinian furnace and if you can withstand it then you can have a richer experience of life. It is a particular kind of personality that's willing to throw himself into the rapids. There's also a very special feeling of being part of a community of people who are really struggling to do things with their lives. It's the strong who come to New York for a week stay home and they

marry and they have I'm sure quite happy. The one thing that most people who excel here have in common is just a tremendous amount of a life force. They might make a really happy it might make a really cranky It might make them incredibly aggressive. But whatever it does they've got a lot of it.