In Black America; The Woman Code, with Sophia A. Nelson

From the University of Texas at Austin, KUT Radio, this is In Black America. I'm an extremely positive, uplifted, inspiring person. I kind of wake up that way every day. I call it morning coffee on my Twitter feed and I wrote this book and I try to be a very positive person. But I had gone through a serious personal loss and as is normal with grief and with grieving and loss, we get down, we get depressed. It wasn't that I was down on myself as much as I was dealing with some pain and some hurt in my life and I was trying to manage it like many women do by covering it up and by masking and by not acknowledging that I was really hurt. And I think that that's where we get into a danger zone right because we look very functional and healthy and normal on the outside, which many women do. And yet internally we're breaking in. So I had some friends who really cared. They got involved, which is a very important thing. They challenged me in a way of saying, hey, we know you're hurt, we know what, we're with you, but you can't stop living, you can't lay down and die.

You feel like that, but you can't, you got to get back up and you got to burst this book and you got to get it done because there are a lot of women who need to hear your voice and know that if Sophia Nelson can be down and depressed and hurt and get back up so can I. Sophia A. Nelson, author of The Woman Code, 20 Powerful Keys to Unlock Your Life, published by Baker Publishing Group. Nelson is an award winning author and journalist. Also, she is a highly sought after corporate leadership trainer and motivational speaker. Nelson has a national platform that is making strides to help women lead more fulfilling and powerful lives in and out of the workplace. Nelson's personal professional journey is the basis of her popular columns, writings, events, corporate workshops and TV appearances. She is a former congressional committee council, lobbyist for the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and a senior attorney with the International Law Frame of Holler and Knight LLC.

Nelson left the practice of law in 2008 to pursue a lifelong goal of becoming a journalist and TV commentator during the historic 2008 presidential campaign. In her book The Woman Code, Nelson calls women to live out a powerful life code that will lead them to purposeful and successful lives. I'm Johnny O'Hanston, Jr. and welcome to another edition of In Black America. On this week's program The Woman Code, 20 Powerful Keys to Unlock Your Life with author Sophia A. Nelson, In Black America. I'm very excited about this book and I'm more excited for you to read it. Writing this book changed my life and you'll find out why in the introduction want to tell you a little bit about The Woman Code and why I hope not only will you buy a copy or two or three, but share it in your book clubs, in your corporations, in your church houses, and amongst the sisterhood of women. Simply put, this book is about us as women globally. It's a global bridge, a connector, to the global sisterhood of women.

All of us as women have something unique about ourselves, but there's also something amazing about being a woman. It's a code. It's something that has been practiced throughout time. It's time less, yet it's time relevant. The Woman Code in its shortest form is a book that teaches us as women how to unlock the greatness inside of us, our purpose, our being, our spirit, our emotions, our professional life. Do you really believe there's this thing called work life balance? I'm here to tell you it doesn't exist. It's all about life integration. As you'll see as you peruse the website, some amazing women like Ariana Huffington, Sherry Shepherd, Sonny Houston, Serita Jake's, Sheila Walsh. I could go on and on and on, have endorsed this amazing book, and you'll see why they love the code and why they're recommending it to you.

I hope you enjoy stopping by the site, learning a little bit more about this book, but most important, we want you to get a copy early, pre-order now. And don't forget to follow us on social media at the Woman Code Key on Twitter. I am Sophia Nelson on Twitter. You know I love to tweet, and if you're not following me, you should, because I talk about the codes in the book all the time. And I'm sharing them so that people get familiar without really knowing what they are yet, but kind of how they function and how they help you and me to unlock our lives. I hope you enjoy the book. When you read it, please give us feedback. We want to hear from you. Do a review on Amazon. And look for me in a sitting near you, because I'm going to travel the whole country with this book through the end of 2014 and all of 2015. You can find me in a Barnes & Noble, a family Christian bookstore or books a million, and even politics and prose. And don't forget to look for us on TV. We're going to be launching in October, and you can find me on national stations, radio, and local.

This book is going to be big, and it's going to bring us as women together. According to a award winning journalist and author, Sophia A. Nelson, every woman lives by a code, whether she realizes that or not, it informs how she treats others and herself, how much she expects of herself, and how far she is willing to go in order to find success. The woman code is the way of living, of navigating life challenges, and of interacting positively with other women. It is the way of pursuing their dreams and their deepest desires. It reveals a universal and timeless set of principles of mind, body, and spirit that help women balance demands of work, home, family, and friendship. The woman's code, not only calls on women to practice purpose in their lives, it shows them how to do it with grace. As a former White House reporter and attorney, Nelson says, women should be strong, assured, and responsible for their own actions and choices. In a book, she explains how women can recognize the codes they operate by, and use them to reshape experts of their lives, using what she calls the personal codes, the emotional codes, the spiritual codes, and the professional codes.

I was born actually in Munich, Germany, data military officer, and I was raised kind of all over, as most military kids are, but settled in Virginia. And what were your favorite subjects while you were in high school in college? Favorite subjects, you know, social studies, civics, but I love to read, and I love politics, and I love to write, and that's what I ended up doing with my life as you can tell, covering politics, and being a journalist, and writing, and doing all that good stuff. Understand you attorney, or probably still are attorney, you just don't practice. I call myself a recovering attorney. You like that term? I love it. I'm recovering from it. So what sparked that initial interest in journalism? Well, you know, I think that each of us has gifts in their innate, and that's part of what the woman code is about unlocking what's inside of you. And so I always knew I was going to do something with writing and with speaking.

So a natural progression right would be a lawyer. That wasn't something I really wanted to do, but it was my parent's dream for me, which is fine. So I got to choose. They told me get to be a doctor or a lawyer, pick one. So I chose law, but I knew I would end up writing and teaching, probably speaking, and doing all that I do. So it's pretty exciting, actually. We want to talk a little bit about the book, understanding that you were going through some hard times, and through your girlfriends, and you all got together and tried to discuss why you were so depressed. I think that, you know, if you know anything about me, your listeners who follow me or read my first book or see me on TV in the various forums and platforms that I have, I'm an extremely positive, uplifted, inspiring person. I kind of wake up that way every day, I call it morning coffee on my Twitter feed, and, you know, I wrote this book, and I try to be a very positive person. But I had gone through a serious personal loss, and as is normal with grief and with grieving and loss, we get down, we get depressed. It wasn't that I was down on myself as much as I was dealing with some pain and some hurt in my life.

And I was trying to manage it like many women do by covering it up, and by masking, and by not acknowledging that I was really hurt. And I think that that's where we get into a danger zone, right, because we look very functional and healthy and normal on the outside, which many women do. And yet internally we're breaking, and so I had some friends who really cared, they got involved, which is very important, and they, you know, challenged me in a way of saying, hey, we know you're hurt, we know why. We're with you, but you can't stop leaving. You can't give up. You can't lay down and die. You may feel like that, but you can't, you got to get back up, and you got to birth this book. And you got to get it done because there are a lot of women who need to hear your voice and know that if Sophia Nelson can be down and depressed and hurt and get back up, so can I. Why was it so important for you to share your personal stories along with the advice that you're giving in the book? Well, I think people connect based on human connection, right? So you don't care what I say unless you know I care.

And I think the other thing is that we had a lot of people here dispensing advice and giving advice. I don't think this is that kind of book. This is more me pouring out from a place of having gone through something very difficult. And look, life is going to give me difficult again. Like it does each of us every day. It's going to give you good. It's going to give you bad. It's going to give you ugly. And I wanted women to see me be transparent because I think when they see someone like me be transparent or they see Mrs. Obama be transparent or an opera or an area in a Huffington or whoever. When they can see that. I think it frees them up to say, OK, I can tell my story. I can ask for help. I can do something different. What is the woman's cold and why should it matter? Well, the woman code is a set of 20 principles that I put together from all various walks of life, whether it's being a professional woman, what I've learned in my family, what I've learned in my relationships, whatever would have you in my face. And me putting together what I call a timeless yet time relevant code. None of what I say is what I would call new breaking ground. I don't know that I dropped something that was new.

I think I told something and shared something that we all know innately, but we need to be reminded of or rediscover or if we're young women. And we don't know we need to know. So it's kind of timeless wisdom that's still time relevant. And that's really what the woman code is. If you're just joining us, I'm Johnny Johansson, Jr. And you're listening to in black America from KUT radio and we're speaking with Sophia A. Nelson, author of the woman's code. 20 powerful keys to unlock your life. Ms. Nelson, this was a wonderful book. And I thought the first chapter, I could just stop because there was so much information in that, but I knew I needed to keep pressing on some of the things I want to go over because we do want people to buy the book. There are 20 codes. You divide them into five different chapters. How did you come to that conclusion? Well, that's a great question. And you know, I appreciate you as a as a male interviewer and personality thing. You read the book and that you, you liked it, particularly chapter one, know your value or code number one, I should say. And I've had a lot of men coming up to me last night in Houston, Texas.

This great book signing sold out huge turnout. There were men in the room and I always like to ask the men, like, why are you at an event with a bunch of women talking about the woman code? And they have daughters, wives, sisters, and they want to share. And a couple of the dads that had read the book said, well, you said, look, this know your value thing. Men need this too. There's a lot of stuff in here that you're talking about that we men can use. So I appreciate you reading and actually taking the time before you interview me. But to your question of why organized the codes the way I did, I organized them into blocks of how we live our lives, right? So if the basic premise of the book is everything we need to win at life as women is inside of us and we just need to live from the inside out, then I organized the codes as follows. The first four are what I call personal codes. You have things in there like know your value, make peace with your past, live authentically, and teach people how to treat you, right? Then you have the second set of codes, which are emotional codes. And those are things like be resilient, guard your heart, et cetera. Then you've got what I call, and I'm doing this from memory. So I hope I got this right spiritual codes where we deal with the things of the spirit.

Like don't gossip, apologize quickly when you're wrong, just the few that just say I was wrong. I'm sorry, forgive me. And then we have the next set of professional codes, which are things like lift other women as you climb, lead from within. And then we have the last set of codes, which are relational, how we relate to ourselves and to other people courageous conversations, never cut which you can untie, things like that. So I organize them in the way John that we live, we live first from personal experiences. Then we have to deal with our emotions about those experiences. Then we have to deal with our spirit man or woman. And then we deal with the practical every day of living, we go to work, we deal with other people in a professional setting, and then we deal with relationships, relationships are the core of our being. We are all in relationship with someone somewhere every day of our lives. And that's how I ordered the book. How did you come up with the quotes of each particular code? And I was someone enamored since Wayne Dyer was my English teacher in high school, but wow the quotes that you came up with these code.

Well, I'm a big quote girl. Again, if you follow me on social media, if you whatever, I love, I just, I love to be positive. And I love positive people and positive things. And so I really wanted to pull some of my favorite all time favorite quotes. And that's what I did. I keep a book of quotes and many in my journals. And so I pulled 20 of my favorite people and codes one is from Winnie the Pooh. You've got one from Wayne Dyer. You've got one from Maya Angelou. So I really pulled people that I admire or books or things that touched me in my life. I like to where you phrase some of the narratives in the book. And I want to go over some of the passages that you use. I thought was was pointed one in particular never cut what you can untie. You know, that's everybody's favorite code. I think as I go on the road and talk to people that one and know your front row. Both of those, by the way, came from my grandmother. And I dedicated the book to her. You know, my paternal grandmother. She's been deceased now since 2000. So it'll be it was 14 years this year. It's hard to believe she's been gone that long. But a woman from, you know, South Carolina, you know, sixth grade education.

But extremely smart, loving, great grandmother. We loved her in a door to and never cut what you can untie. She used to say that when we were kids. And I'd be like, what is she talking about? What she was simply saying is don't burn bridges. Just just learn to step back from things. You don't always have to announce to somebody you're done. You know, this generation, John, love to text people and cut them off and delete them and Facebook post them and tweet them and go off on them and tell everybody how done they are and how they got somebody. They got somebody told and how they went off on somebody. And you see how that's working for us as a culture, right? It's not. And what my grandmother said was simply there are some bridges. Yes, you need to burn down and never crossing it. But there are many times in your life when you just need to step back.

You need to untie something and let it really take its course because you will see the same people over and over again. I know you know that's true. I know that's true. That's why you have to be careful how you treat people on your way up because when you come back down, you're going to meet some of those people again. It's a wonder that our grandparents, you know, had all these sins and like you said, you know, what did they come up with this and years down the road when you think about what they've said, it makes a lot of sense. It does. And you know, that's what this book is all about. That's why I said it's timeless, yet time relevant. So the things my grandmother was speaking into my life, you know, 30 years ago. And the things that her grandmother spoke into her life before that are passed down. But I think we've gotten away from that now. We're not connected with our kids and our young people the way we need to be. We give them devices. We give them money. We give them cars. We give them credit cards. And we kind of want to matter our hair because we're still trying to find ourselves into our own thing. And at the end of the day, our grandparents, you know, when you and I grew up and I think we're probably age cohorts. I'm in my 40s. I've no idea how old you are. But bottom line is that we were much more connected. We didn't have phones. We didn't have the internet. We had to talk. We had picnics. We had barbecues. We had block parties.

We went on. The TV went off. You know, there were only three channels. So, you know, you had ABC CBS and NBC. I thought you had like you didn't have this TV and files with, you know, 1900 channels. It was just a different world for us. We were just better connected. You say women spend too much time looking outside themselves for the answers to like questions. Absolutely. We as women are taught from the time we are girls that we have to be smarter, prettier, better, quicker, more depth when more men than the other girl. Like we always going to be better than the other girl in the room. So we're taught to compete in ways that men are not taught to compete. Men are taught to compete in sports and in activities. But men learn teamwork very early on because they play football, baseball, basketball. They train together. They take showers together. Men are much more collegial than women are because women are taught that we are to not trust other women to be in competition with other women.

So we spend most of our time looking at how do I look on the outside? Am I pretty enough? Am I tall enough? Am I smart enough? Am I skinny enough? Is my hair blonde enough? Is it curly enough? Is it straight enough? Are my lips full enough? You know what I mean? We get caught up in everything outside because that's what we're told. Code number one, our value comes from how we look on the outside. What was the number one code that you had to accept? My favorite code is code number seven because of 2am. I'm probably code number seven, code number 15. Code number seven is resilient and code number 15 is brave. And I've had to be both of those things in my life for many reasons that I talk about in a book grown up in a home that was, you know, I had a loving mother. My father's not a bad man but he was an alcoholic. It was a violent, angry home all the time. And so to grow up the way I did being very positive and optimistic and, you know, I hope a lover of people and a transformer of people and someone who connects with people in the way I do, that's a choice I had to make that I wasn't going to let my past define me. And I was going to let it also darken my purpose or my destiny. So being resilient and being braver are my two favorite codes in the book because they exemplify my life.

You talked about breaking that generational cycle. And that in breaking that cycle, you had to put some people out of your family members out of your life to move on to your destiny. Yeah. And I think that's always a hard look. You know, we don't get to choose our families. We get what we get. You get to choose your friend to get to choose who you love. And that's, that's where I think life allows you to redeem yourself and to make your own decisions. You know, we love our families, but sometimes, and this is important going back to code 17, you know, you're all right. This is one of those times when you have to say, look, we've all got family members. We all got an uncle Joe or a crazy aunt or somebody who our family member that, you know, we love them, but we know we need to keep distance from them. When we get people like that in our lives, like I said, you love them. You wish them well. You do know harm. But if people are toxic in your life and they've done negative things to you or a bitch or a hurt you, you're not obligated. You are not.

Let me say again, you are not obligated to take crap from anybody. You're not. Particularly when you become an adult, you're obligated to treat people with respect to be a kind, decent human being. And you can sometimes do that from afar. And sometimes it's necessary because at the end of the day, you have to protect you. You also talk about love yourself enough to fight for yourself. Yes, I think that's very important to love you enough to take care of you. And I mean, that doesn't need any explanation. I think we as women in particular always fight for our families, our friends, but we don't stick up for ourselves. You talk about accountability and it matters. It does. Being a piano boy again is one of those simple codes that you simply have to live your life for yourself on your own terms and take responsibility for your choices. What do you want women and I guess readers in general to come away with reading this book? The simple premise that I started, everything you need to win at this life is inside of you. Stop looking outside of yourself for validation for what you need.

God has equipped you fully and completely with gifts inside of you if you will unlock them. And I believe if you practice these codes and and live them out and put them into practical application in your life, you're going to see your life change for the better. I'm confident of that. Final question, Ms. Nelson. How do you teach people to treat you well? Oh, that's a big one. If you don't like the way somebody's talking to you treating you handling it work in your life and your family, you are the one that decides how that happens. Nobody can abuse me unless I let them. Nobody can talk to me crazy unless I let them. Nobody can take something from me unless I let them. Nobody can misuse me unless I co-sign it. Be accountable for your life. Teach people how to treat you. How has the tour been thus far? Oh, it's been amazing. I'm in Dallas now, was in Houston last night, sold out everywhere. The books number one right now, number one bestseller right now on Amazon. It just hit that status last night. I don't know yet about, you know, the other ones that take time for the New York Times or whatever, but it's doing the books doing great. One of the struggles in particular that black women in American society have is that everyone has told us who we're supposed to be, what we're supposed to be, how we're supposed to be.

If you happen to be an aberration of one of these generally accepted themes, people don't know what to do with you. Black women possess class, elegance, you're sophisticated, you have poise, versaci, all the things that I think I possess. We are fierce manifestors and the designers of our lives. If you are looking for a definition of a black woman, I'm here to tell you that there is not one. We encompass and define everything that you could ever imagine. We're exciting. We're soft and supple, we're coy, we're competitors, we're conquerors, we're skydivers and the cross players. We bake, we cook, we're mothers and sisters, and we just encompass everything that a woman could and should be. The image of black women today has to be redefined because the current image is completely false. Black women are smart, savvy, intelligent, demure, thoughtful. None of those words are what come to mind immediately based on the stereotype today, but those are all terms that define black women in America and around the globe, and those are the words that should be used when describing beautiful black women.

I believe that in this day and age when there are so many unflattering stereotypes of black women, I think that I am on board with this book because this book shows that there are black women that are accomplished, that are confident, that are intelligent, that are classy, that are soft, that are feminine. And I believe that although the stereotype of the unflattering image of black women is what's prevalent in the media, our voice needs to be heard as well, and we need to be represented fairly. And there is a large sect of us that are accomplished and that are prepared to show the positive light that should be shown on black women as opposed to the negative stereotypes that we see. Black women redefined, to me it speaks of strength, it speaks of creativity, it speaks of perseverance. Black women have always had to rail against the machine in a lot of ways, and I think that the importance of redefining who we are for ourselves is that it creates a sense of empowerment, and it creates a sense of purpose that only we can give ourselves as individuals.

I think that black women are largely misunderstood because of the media, is a tendency within the media to portray black women in a way where only the negative gets the shine. And I think that coming back into a space where we are saying, you know what doesn't matter what the media says, we believe in who we are as we are, and putting that out is important. The black woman is an integral part of a universal society, the black woman holds the weight of the world on her shoulders. I believe the redefinition of womanhood is being sure and careful that we're not redefining ourselves outside of ourselves, and so it's important for me to inform especially young women to understand that, you know, dividing yourselves into these dichotomies and dualities of life, your career woman, your wife, your mother, these are things that are not boxing you win but really coming together and uniting this one woman into one body oneself because women are of water. And of spirit and your crown has already been bought and paid for and all you have to do is wear it.

Everything I wrote, I lived the good, the bad and the ugly, and I would like to be able to talk to someone that's younger than me. If I could go back to myself 20 years ago and talk to myself and say what matters, I'd say it's love. At the end of the day, this journey is all about love. You're put upon, you allow everybody to put upon you and to ask things of you and take pieces of you, and you do it so willingly because as a black woman, you believe that's what you're supposed to do. That's what we're taught to do, we're not allowed to even be sick, we're not allowed to have that day where we can just lay in the bed and cover up our heads. We're not allowed to be women. I mean, it's sojourners rant from 150 years ago when she says, ain't I a woman? It is the black woman's battle cry. When will you see me in all of my splendor and all of my glory and all of my femininity of all of my tenderness? Those are not the things you see about us, and I wanted these young women. I have two nieces, they're 13 and 8, and one day they're going to grow up and be black women. And I want them to not have to have this conversation 20 years down the road. I want them to know that they're valuable, that they're not just the black woman, they're a woman. And being a woman means something, it's something fabulous to be a woman.

And I don't think the black women are seen in that way. Sophia A. Nelson, author of The Woman Code, 20 powerful keys to unlock your life. If you have questions, comments or suggestions asked your future in black America programs, email us at jhanson at kut.org. Also let us know what radio station you heard us over. Remember to like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. If you're using the opinions expressed on this program, are not necessarily those of this station or of the University of Texas at Austin. You're going to hear previous programs online at kut.org. Until we have the opportunity again for technical producer David Alvarez. I'm Johnny on Hanson Jr. Thank you for joining us today. Please join us again next week. 3D copies of this program are available and may be purchased by writing in black America CDs. KUT radio, 300 West Dean Keaton Boulevard, Austin, Texas, 78712.

That's in black America CDs, KUT radio, 300 West Dean Keaton Boulevard, Austin, Texas, 78712. This has been a production of KUT radio.