Mark Russell; No. 2107; Campaign '96

<v Mark Russell>In attempting to make a year long presidential campaign funny, I always try to use <v Mark Russell>the time honored method of describing exactly what happened and quoting the participants <v Mark Russell>directly, and no political party has a corner on quirky behavior. <v Mark Russell>Well, maybe Ross Perot's Reform Party has an edge, but that's it. <v Mark Russell>So now get ready for the 1996 presidential campaign squeezed into <v Mark Russell>a half an hour. The only thing missing is the name of the winner. <v Mark Russell>The man who will occupy the White House for the next four years in spite of himself. <v Mark Russell>[Yankee Doodle plays] <v Mark Russell>The nominee is Bob Dole. <v Mark Russell>He it's his turn. <v Mark Russell>Uh, that's it. Forget the it's gonna be Bob Dole. <v Mark Russell>And I I guess it it should be. And I say that with full knowledge of the fact that

<v Mark Russell>Senator Dole leads the fight against federal funding of public television. <v Mark Russell>But we are not narrow minded here. <v Mark Russell>[laughter] We are not single issue ideologues. <v Mark Russell>We simply ask you all to double up on your pledges so we can <v Mark Russell>put that money to its best use in the form of a bribe <v Mark Russell>to Senator Dole. [laughter] [applause] ?inaudible?. His <v Mark Russell>principal opponent of course, is Senator Phil Graham of Texas. <v Mark Russell>Uh Graham is the Rottweiler in the campaign. This makes Dole Bambi, and I never <v Mark Russell>thought we'd live to see that. There are many, many unanswered questions about Phil <v Mark Russell>Graham. <v Mark Russell>Uh questions, can a boy from Texas who flunked out of the 3rd, 5th <v Mark Russell>and 9th grade, which led directly to a PhD from <v Mark Russell>Texas A & M [laughter]. <v Mark Russell>All true, become president, whose media adviser is obviously Gomer

<v Mark Russell>Pyle? <v Mark Russell>Phil Graham, whose charisma is only in evidence during those moments when he <v Mark Russell>stands next to Newt Gingrich. <v Mark Russell>Phil Graham, whose nation wide appeal will be questioned from <v Mark Russell>the moment he arrives in New York City, asks for barbecue sauce to go on <v Mark Russell>his bagel [chuckles] and ask the question, where <v Mark Russell>are the Bronx? <v Mark Russell>[laughter] Phil Graham, who thinks that Hanukkah <v Mark Russell>is a duck call. [laughter] <v Mark Russell>Well, the presidential election, it's just around the corner, isn't it ah? <v Mark Russell>That's that idiotic Iowa straw poll where they bus <v Mark Russell>in people from out of state to vote more than once. <v Mark Russell>I've seen more honest elections incessantly, for heaven's sake. <v Mark Russell>And so Bob Dole didn't do very well and he has to move further <v Mark Russell>over toward the right to appease them.

<v Mark Russell>We saw the other day he returned a contribution uh from the <v Mark Russell>uh uh gay Republicans, yeah. <v Mark Russell>Both of them to send him a thousand dollars [laughter]. <v Mark Russell>Trent Lott said that Democrats and Republicans use a different <v Mark Russell>part of the human brain. <v Mark Russell>And, you know, the senator is absolutely correct. <v Mark Russell>Use different parts of the brain. You have the brain washed side. <v Mark Russell>That's the Republican. <v Mark Russell>You have the brain dead side. [laughter] That's the Democrat. <v Mark Russell>Now, we have uh added knowledge of the brain last 10, 20 years because of <v Mark Russell>the technology, the computers, that PET scan. <v Mark Russell>You can you doctors know about this. <v Mark Russell>You can see a a a living brain on a PET <v Mark Russell>scan and you can see dormant brains on C-SPAN. <v Mark Russell>[laughter] Dole goes <v Mark Russell>to Hollywood. He has one of those big Hollywood fundraisers.

<v Mark Russell>The audience consisting of the moguls of the entertainment industry, and they describe <v Mark Russell>their products as, quote, nightmares of depravity. <v Mark Russell>You think Dole would've waited for their checks to clear in the first place. <v Mark Russell>[laughter] Yeah, well, everybody loves Colin Powell. He has- you love Cole? <v Mark Russell>I love 'em. Why? He's great. <v Mark Russell>Well, tell me why. Why? He's just great. <v Mark Russell>Well, the issues, his opinions. Yeah. <v Mark Russell>What are they? He's great. He's great. <v Mark Russell>That's good enough for me. [laughter] [playing piano and singing] <v Mark Russell>So cast your vote for Colin Powell. <v Mark Russell>He'll tell it like it is. <v Mark Russell>Maybe someday we'll find out exactly what that is. <v Mark Russell>He's in military mode like Eisenhower or Haig. <v Mark Russell>In General Powell, we have a man who's daring to be vague. <v Mark Russell>None of the other candidates have his brilliant ploy turning <v Mark Russell>on voters just by being called Republican or <v Mark Russell>Democrat. That's anybody's guess.

<v Mark Russell>Well, which one are you, General? His answer is always yes. <v Mark Russell>Perhaps next summer we'll find out when it goes to both conventions <v Mark Russell>and makes us mates don't void of all opinions and intentions. <v Speaker>Did you ever stop to think that maybe Colin Powell never wanted to run <v Speaker>for president in the first place? <v Speaker>Maybe we have just witnessed the best orchestrated publicity <v Speaker>for a book tour since the New Testament. <v Speaker>Think about this and not any joining the Republican Party. <v Speaker>I can't figure he joined the Republican Party today. <v Speaker>Paul is like joining the country club. <v Speaker>After they ask you to leave. I can understand that. <v Speaker>So Ross Perot forms an independent party and he calls it the Reform <v Speaker>Party. That's imaginative, isn't it? <v Speaker>I mean, if if Powell had or if if Perot had any imagination, he would name his party <v Speaker>after the party of the greatest independent of them all. <v Speaker>Teddy Roosevelt, the Bull Moose Party.

<v Speaker>You know, if if Ross Perot called his party the Bull Moose Party, he'd be <v Speaker>half right anyway. <v Speaker>Now, I've got some advice for our president. <v Speaker>I know it has been a terrible week for him. <v Speaker>Actually, yesterday on that, federal judge rules that Paula Jones can <v Speaker>sue a sitting president for sexual harassment. <v Speaker>So what Clinton normally do is use this campaign song I've written for him <v Speaker>and use the following slogan, Reelect Bill Clinton. <v Speaker>He's been bimbo free for four years. <v Speaker>Hurrah, hurrah! <v Speaker>Bill Clinton. That is for me. <v Speaker>Hurrah, hurrah! <v Speaker>He has for years been both. <v Speaker>He shook the hand of Kennedy when he was just a lad. <v Speaker>When the ladies swooned all over Jack, Bill said, hey, this ain't bad. <v Speaker>From that day, father, he dreamed of being president someday.

<v Speaker>Snaking ladies and now just like JFK. <v Speaker>Then on the Yale where he earned a fancy law degree, having print <v Speaker>the answers from a girl named Hillary. <v Speaker>They learned their lessons well. They sue what the law professors and the like, the <v Speaker>vacuuming of documents. That's a legal term for shred. <v Speaker>Hurrah! Hurrah! <v Speaker>Bill Clinton. That is for me. <v Speaker>Hurrah! Hurrah! <v Speaker>He's four years bimbos. <v Speaker>In the war in Vietnam, Bill fought for me and. <v Speaker>In the stinking rice paddies of far off ox for new. <v Speaker>This war hero was then elected governor, it's true. <v Speaker>Which shows us all a thing or two about Arkansas IQ. <v Speaker>Now's the time to reelect Bill Clinton presidentis because <v Speaker>his opposition seems so suicidal Dems

<v Speaker>unless they break the shackles of that Falwell's zealotry. <v Speaker>They'll reelect the man who is now foriegners. <v Speaker>It's over with. It's all over the election of nineteen ninety six is over <v Speaker>with. We know who the nominees are going to be and we also know the <v Speaker>results of next November's election. <v Speaker>One of them will win, but share up. <v Speaker>One of them will lose. <v Speaker>So anyway, Bob Dole's got the nomination and now he's free to resume his duties in <v Speaker>Washington, presiding over the Senate and making sure that the government <v Speaker>stays nice and comatose until November. <v Speaker>Got a nice audience here in Buffalo, certainly a lot bigger than an audience I had the

<v Speaker>other night at a very small audience. A tiny, minuscule audience was a political rally. <v Speaker>Gay and lesbian Mexican Jews for Pat Buchanan. <v Speaker>Now you can and he started out in Alaska. <v Speaker>He won the Alaska caucuses area, declared himself to be the king of the Klondike. <v Speaker>And then he went to Iowa. And in the debate and I owed you remember Buchanan and I think <v Speaker>it was Bob Dole got into this thing about whom Mother Teresa liked best <v Speaker>was all Mother Teresa of Dalen, both to go to hell. <v Speaker>Well, then then they went to Louisiana and Buchanan won <v Speaker>in Louisiana. And now we could focus on his hard core constituency. <v Speaker>We could see who they are. <v Speaker>He got that Cajun trailer park vote. <v Speaker>Yeah, he got cut the ribbon at the dedication of a tattoo parlor. <v Speaker>And meanwhile, Senator Phil Gramm started to decline <v Speaker>in the polls. Graham never got more than single digits. <v Speaker>Often the middle one.

<v Speaker>Well, by the time Buchanan got to the Southern primaries on Super Tuesday, he was in <v Speaker>full rebel mode, wrapping himself in the Confederate flag, <v Speaker>singing Dixie. <v Speaker>Door to door coming out against the seven day waiting period and the purchase <v Speaker>of a slave. Well, never. <v Speaker>What a call his constituents, he said, my people are peasants <v Speaker>with pitchforks storming the castle. <v Speaker>And with that, Steve Forbes called his wife at home and said, better raise <v Speaker>the drawbridge. <v Speaker>Flat tax really catching on. Done exactly. <v Speaker>Kill all the lawyers. But it knocks off the accountant. <v Speaker>So at least that's a start. <v Speaker>And it does away with the charitable deduction. <v Speaker>And that ought to put the prayers back in the church as well because <v Speaker>of his wealth as well. Steve Forbes has been compared to Ross Perot. <v Speaker>That's a little inexact. There are a number of differences between Forbes and Perot, A,

<v Speaker>about $20 billion, B, about a foot and a half. <v Speaker>And C, one. Forbes, his daughter was married. <v Speaker>There were no Martians at the wedding. <v Speaker>Just a couple of weeks ago, they were writing a movie about the Dole campaign. <v Speaker>Dead Man Walking. <v Speaker>Sort of door reaches the presidency, the White House will be known as the tomb <v Speaker>of the well-known soldier. <v Speaker>But that was all that changed because between the South Carolina primary on a Saturday <v Speaker>and the Georgia primary on a Monday, he made a dramatic comeback <v Speaker>and went on to win 12 consecutive primaries. <v Speaker>It was the first resurrection in three days. <v Speaker>Since, you know, when at all at all acolytes sang <v Speaker>a hymn, a phrase gave me that old time curmudgeon. <v Speaker>Give me that old time curmudgeon. <v Speaker>Give me that old time curmudgeon.

<v Speaker>My votes for Robert. <v Speaker>Oh, the Purple Heart. He bore for the wounds received in war <v Speaker>in New Hampshire. There were three more. <v Speaker>Bob Dole is on a roll. <v Speaker>Buchanan's views are just a mess. <v Speaker>And Alexander flunked the test. <v Speaker>Bob Dole is just the best halo's that Clinton by much less. <v Speaker>He is the innovative one. <v Speaker>He's got ideas by the ton. <v Speaker>Give him a week. Go on. <v Speaker>Just don't ask him why he run. <v Speaker>They gave me that old time. Come on, give me that old time. <v Speaker>Come on, give me that old time. <v Speaker>Curmudgeon Michael. Oh, Robert. <v Speaker>No. <v Speaker>Right about that time, Senator Phil Gramm was really getting desperate. <v Speaker>And so he got into this ploy of telling what he would do when his hand <v Speaker>came off the Bible when he was sworn in. <v Speaker>Your memory did the Grammys.

<v Speaker>When my hand comes off the Bible, when I'm sworn <v Speaker>in as president, I will cut the funding <v Speaker>of the arts. <v Speaker>The arts. <v Speaker>That's the arts in Texas. <v Speaker>That Buchanan got into the act and he said, when my hand comes off the Bible, my <v Speaker>friends, when I'm sworn in as president, I will put Rottweilers <v Speaker>and pit bulls on the Mexican border and numbers and the public <v Speaker>schools. <v Speaker>Or was it nuns on the Mexican border? <v Speaker>Now, it came down to writing a song about Steve Forbes. <v Speaker>I thought of this parody, but you're going to have <v Speaker>to use your imaginations, ladies and gentlemen, because this song is <v Speaker>always sung by a woman. <v Mark Russell>And so the scene, is we see a very sexy,

<v Mark Russell>attractive woman as she spots Steve Forbes at a party. <v Mark Russell>[piano playing] And she starts hitting on him. <v Mark Russell>She starts coming on to Steve Forbes. <v Mark Russell>As I said, you're really going to have to use your imagination. <v Mark Russell>[laughter] [applause] And she says <v Mark Russell>the minute you walk in the room, harump, I could tell you were real <v Mark Russell>big spender, real big spender. <v Mark Russell>More money than I've ever seen. <v Mark Russell>Could I be the centerfold in your magazine? <v Mark Russell>The minute I heard your last speech, I just knew I won, you were the <v Mark Russell>man for me. That's that. <v Mark Russell>Hey, big spender. <v Mark Russell>Your tax ain't all that's flat. <v Mark Russell>Would you like to have fun, fun, fun? <v Mark Russell>Tell me all about polls you've won. <v Mark Russell>Girls like me will make passes at rich guys with

<v Mark Russell>thick glasses. <v Mark Russell>Is that how it is, Mr. Forbes? <v Mark Russell>You buy the nomination and your time begins. <v Mark Russell>Hey, big spender. <v Mark Russell>The highest bidder didn't win. <v Mark Russell>Could you wipe out the def- i- cit? <v Mark Russell>Could you write out a check for it? <v Mark Russell>10 commercials an hour? <v Mark Russell>Is that how you got power? <v Mark Russell>And your magazine, Mr. Forbes, it is by far the most distinguished <v Mark Russell>one. It's true. <v Mark Russell>Including Hustler, but <v Mark Russell>the real hustler is you. <v Mark Russell>The real hustler is you. [applause] <v Speaker>Well, you know, the big nose. But Senator Dole resigning from the Senate. <v Speaker>Does that change anybody's mind? Traditionally, our audiences here in Buffalo are divided

<v Speaker>right down the middle. There's a screening. We don't let anybody just in here. <v Speaker>So how many of you were not inclined to vote for Bob Dole until today when he resigned? <v Speaker>You remind us, Jane. <v Speaker>Well, that settles it, then. <v Speaker>Right. <v Speaker>It's it's all well now. He's resigned in the Senate. <v Speaker>So now this gives him time to spend full time and attention losing. <v Speaker>You know, my opening line was going to be the only line I was going to ask the question, <v Speaker>what Pat Buchanan have named a female running mate? <v Speaker>Or do you think Marge Schott is just too controversial? <v Speaker>Did you ever notice that when Bill Clinton makes a speech at a funeral, he goes way up in <v Speaker>the polls? It happens every time Clinton is at his best at a funeral. <v Speaker>Dole is at his best when the funeral isn't his. <v Speaker>It is the middle of summer in an election year. <v Speaker>The two political conventions are just weeks away. <v Speaker>This show is as neutral as is humanly possible.

<v Speaker>I like Bill Clinton. I like Bob Dole. <v Speaker>I like his campaign slogan. <v Speaker>The smoking lamp is lit. Now he has now with his visa and education. <v Speaker>He's got a new slogan, Hooked on phonics. <v Speaker>I like that. <v Speaker>And now it appears that General Colin Powell won't be any more help <v Speaker>to the Dole campaign than Dole is, <v Speaker>because as Colin Powell says that he will vote for Bob Dole, but he won't campaign for <v Speaker>him. <v Speaker>He'll speak at the convention. Or maybe he won't. <v Speaker>He will play a role, but he doesn't know what kind General Powell qualifies. <v Speaker>So many statements. The stars on his shoulders are asterisks. <v Speaker>Bill Clinton is ahead of Bob Dole in the polls. <v Speaker>However, Bob Dole has gone up 10 points in the polls since he left the <v Speaker>Senate. So he plans to leave the Senate three more times before the summer is over. <v Speaker>You remember when he left the Senate and all of a sudden this was the new Bob Dole, a <v Speaker>very casual open next shirt, powder blue blazer, beige slacks,

<v Speaker>looking like he was either taking a Carnival cruise to the Bahamas or showing up for <v Speaker>the early bird special at Denny's. <v Speaker>Well, maybe he was going to speak at the NAACP, but he went to the all star game <v Speaker>and said it. And he sees that they set him up and he was grouchy about that. <v Speaker>He could have used the old dole humor. He could have said that the reason he went to the <v Speaker>All-Star Game instead of the NAACP is because the All-Star Game is integrated. <v Speaker>And he said that tobacco is not addictive, but milk can <v Speaker>be harmful to children. <v Speaker>So I guess the check from the dairy lobby got lost in the mail. <v Speaker>And there's all of us with all the things going on in the country, same <v Speaker>sex marriage has become the big issue of the campaign. <v Speaker>Right. Look, I don't care if your marriage is same sex or opposite sex after 30 years <v Speaker>is gonna be no say. <v Speaker>Struck a nerve there, didn't we, anyway, to talk about your timing. <v Speaker>You know that Maurice thing. You know that a presidential campaign is officially

<v Speaker>underway when a story like this breaks. <v Speaker>So just immediately after a White House sex scandal, we bomb Iraq. <v Speaker>Goodness knows how many hookers notified Saddam Hussein in advance. <v Speaker>So I went to both conventions, I was there in San Diego. <v Speaker>I was there in Chicago. And when the Republicans were getting ready to have their <v Speaker>convention, Bob Dole still hadn't picked a running mate. <v Speaker>And at one point he said perfect 10s are in short supply. <v Speaker>They had not ruled out three threes and a one, <v Speaker>and then they picked Jack Kemp. <v Speaker>So the ticket is in effect. Kemp and all the long ball and the short fuze. <v Speaker>If you watch the convention in San Diego, you probably figured out that most of the black <v Speaker>delegates were rented and in fact, <v Speaker>the most authentic African-American presence at the Republican convention was when <v Speaker>Mrs. Dole did her Oprah Winfrey impersonation.

<v Speaker>Bill Clinton kind of diluted the character issue, the so-called character issue when he <v Speaker>signed on to the Republicans welfare bill. <v Speaker>So now, if anybody brings up Caird, I mean, Clinton can say character. <v Speaker>Hell, if I had any character witness around your welfare bill. <v Speaker>But here is a direct quote. <v Speaker>Ladies and gentlemen, before he signed the welfare, Bill Clinton <v Speaker>said, you can put wings on a pig, but you can't make him an <v Speaker>eagle. <v Speaker>I have no idea what that means. <v Speaker>But it's about as close to the Gettysburg Address as we're going to get. <v Speaker>Ninety six here came the delegates checks. <v Speaker>Go check, go. <v Speaker>We're back once again. We're back once again. <v Speaker>Chicago. Chicago. <v Speaker>Remembering where crack and had some tear gas in six. <v Speaker>The eight jack Chicago cops dragging

<v Speaker>the hippies off to this city pan. <v Speaker>They do it again on State Street, that great street. <v Speaker>The potheads prevailed. The potheads prevailed. <v Speaker>They lit up. And yes, it was inhaled. <v Speaker>They were jailed. <v Speaker>They brought to Chicago riots in grief. <v Speaker>And one of them now is commander in chief and Fair Game, <v Speaker>a watchdog. <v Speaker>Chag. Go. <v Speaker>Go. As time passes, as time passes. <v Speaker>Jack, go, Jack, go. <v Speaker>The old crowd is gone. <v Speaker>Rostenkowski's going off to summer work camps from Jack. <v Speaker>Jack, go. <v Speaker>The cops are smiling. The whole scene looks all wrong. <v Speaker>Bailout plan support. <v Speaker>We're so proud to be, so proud to be.

<v Speaker>We'd like to express our loyalty. <v Speaker>We agree he's corrupt and a liar and slick as can be, but he's much <v Speaker>more than that. He's our nominee. <v Speaker>Chicago, where one's vote count for three vote early and often. <v Speaker>Chicago for one vote count for three. <v Speaker>But deep. <v Speaker>All right. Now here's our poll. <v Speaker>I remind the viewers around the country the result you see here tonight <v Speaker>in Buffalo will be duplicated by the rest of the nation on <v Speaker>Election Day. To pay close attention, you're not going to hear anything. <v Speaker>We ought to have the election tomorrow because you're not going. <v Speaker>You're anything else. We've heard it all. <v Speaker>That's it. We started our poll by going back four years to 1992 <v Speaker>and we asked how many of you in here in 1992 with your applause, please. <v Speaker>How many of you in 1992 voted for George Bush <v Speaker>or.

<v Speaker>All right. <v Speaker>All right. Now, remember that sound as <v Speaker>we asked you. <v Speaker>Bush people, how many of you this time around. <v Speaker>Plan to vote for Bob Dole? <v Speaker>OK. <v Speaker>It stayed about the same. <v Speaker>But the fact that there was this annoying silence, a second of silence while you thought <v Speaker>it over. <v Speaker>Did not escape me, all right. <v Speaker>How many of you plan to vote for Ross Perot? <v Mark Russell>Thank you, sir. I know you don't mean it. <v Mark Russell>It's just a sympathy thing. [laughter] To get me <v Mark Russell>out of this hole that I have dug for myself. <v Mark Russell>Have you no respect? I should vote for Perot because of the material he has given me and <v Mark Russell>the fact. <v Mark Russell>That he won the nomination from the Reform Party.

<v Mark Russell>What a cliffhanger that was when he came for my head and <v Mark Russell>fended off a field of one. <v Mark Russell>How many of you plan to vote for Harry Brown? <v Mark Russell>He- what do you mean, who? <v Mark Russell>He doesn't know you either. [laughter] He <v Mark Russell>is of the Libertarian Party. We don't put the libertarians in there. <v Mark Russell>We get three angry letters from Fairbanks, Alaska. <v Mark Russell>Uh Ralph Nader, Green Party. We don't mention him. <v Mark Russell>We get three angry letters from Ralph Nader. <v Mark Russell>Um and finally, Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton. [applause] What <v Mark Russell>is it? What is it? It's close. <v Mark Russell>There's no there's no 20 percent point spread. <v Mark Russell>Now, let me get the Clinton vote again. <v Mark Russell>Clinton once again. [applause] Uh ?ladies and gentlemen? we <v Mark Russell>have folks in here from Chicago. And they like to vote twice. <v Mark Russell>Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, thank you indeed. <v Mark Russell>Thank you. [music plays]

<v Narrator>The Mark Russell comedy special was produced by WNED Buffalo, which is solely <v Narrator>responsible for its content. <v Narrator>Funding for this program was provided by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, <v Narrator>and annual financial support from viewers like you. <v Narrator>For 19.95, a VHS or for 7 dollars an audiocassette of this program <v Narrator>is available. Please send a check or money order to Mark Russell Offer program number <v Narrator>2187. Post Office Box 4000, Buffalo, New York 1 4 2 4 0. <v Narrator>[PBS theme]