State of the Union; Mother's Day special; No. 102; 102

You Funding for this program has been made possible by the Pew Charitable Trust, the Ford Foundation, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and by the annual financial support of viewers like you. Tonight on State of the Union, a look at what it means to be a mom in 1997.

National Public Radio's Ray Suarez on moms in the workplace juggling time and family. And every day, my older son wants to know, are you going to be the babysitter today? Are you going to stay with me today? Is it Saturday yet? From Minneapolis, Dottie Enrico of USA Today on the challenges when mother and child come from two different worlds. My greatest fear was I would not bond with these little ones. And in San Francisco, when the time comes to care for your mother. These stories plus Derek McGinty on childlessness and profiles of mothers who've made a difference. Tonight on State of the Union. State of the Union is produced with the participation of USA Today and NPR's Talk of the Nation.

Good evening and happy Mother's Day weekend. I'm Dave Iverson. And I'm Julie Johnson. Welcome to the second program in our State of the Union series. Tonight reports on what it's like to be a mom in the 1990s and the results of a landmark study on motherhood in America. The first mother's day was officially celebrated in West Virginia back in 1908. The home front was different than only 5% of all married women worked outside the home. But motherhood wasn't exactly a bowl of cherries. In 1908, women were still often segregated. Life expectancy was just 54 if you were white, 38 if you were black. And in 1908, moms couldn't vote. A lot has changed since that first mother's day nearly 90 years ago. Today, most moms do work outside the home. In fact, 60% go back before their child is one.

So what do women have to say about the state of motherhood today? While according to our new national survey, it depends. 81% of all women say being a mom is tougher today than it was even 20 or 30 years ago. And 56% say today's moms are doing a worse job than their own mothers did. But when we ask moms if they were personally satisfied with their lives, the overwhelming answer was, you bet. Yet there was one message that women in our survey sent loud and clear. Today's moms feel pressed for time. They can't get enough of it. So as more and more moms than ever before had back to work, how well are we all adapting? And why are so many moms still stuck trying to figure it out on their own? National Public Radio's Ray Suarez reports from Boston. It's rush hour. Women are hustling to work. In 1977, we could have opened this program the same way.

Women giving it their all on the job, picking up kids at daycare, and starting their night side chores amid the children who crave their comfort. For decades, women have coped with their endless days, letting society postpone the hard work of changing the rules. The reason we can do the story in very much the same way in 1997 is simple. Workplaces haven't changed much, school schedules haven't changed much, and the running of a home hasn't changed much either. The philosophy in this country is that they're your children you decide to have and they're your problem. You have your children in your 20s and 30s and you build your career in your 20s and 30s. They coincide. Shorter work days would help. Maybe even being able to work from home occasionally. It's too easy to brush aside what women say. I think when truly women really start making a mistake that something will happen. Maybe we should stop here for a second because I can hear you already, right? This is just what I needed.

A story on contemporary motherhood told by a man. Well, yeah, I am a man. But I'm also a husband and a father and the son of a working mother. And in a very real sense, we're all in this together. And too often the conversations we've had about motherhood and work have not included men. Men are around. A lot of them would even get a pretty good grade from their mates on the work they do in raising their children. But the expectations are different. When we followed three Boston area mothers, all three married women, they told us the stories of their days. They left no question as to where the burden of juggling home and work still falls after decades of change. There's new opportunity and the same old routine. They just get up, start getting myself dressed. And then I'll get, I think my oldest daughter is usually the first one. I'll get up and get my second daughter up and my boys. Connie Greene is a counselor, has four children from nine to 16 years old. Hello, Missy.

You look here. If LaKisha, Sharlia, Lewis and Immanuel weren't such good kids, it's hard to imagine the intricately timed morning routine working day after day. Usually I'll have the boys take their showers in a night before, so the girls pretty much have the bathroom in the morning. We have breakfast and then I get my sons to school. Lewis! Lewis! My alarm clock is Jacob and he usually starts calling mama about 5.30, 6 o'clock. Riva Klein is a neurologist. Jacob and Sam are two and four and now Riva realizes how valuable every moment she spends with them is to her and to the boys. Their personalities are very different. So Jacob, you can set him up with his breakfast and he'll watch TV. Sam needs constant attention. You have to keep, you know, the cereal has too much milk, not enough milk, not the right kind of cereal. He didn't want that kind of juice. It's pretty rushed. I have to leave by 7.30 really to get to work on time. So there's a sense of urgency and constantly trying to balance everything to keep on track.

What I need to do, get my lunch ready, get the kids breakfast made, get together what I need for work. I try to do a lot of that the night before. Okay, guys. A few towns away, Leslie Swachiel, is home with her 14-month-old daughter. After a short maternity leave, she tried to go back to full-time work as a college financial aid administrator, a job that required night work. Daycare providers around here don't work evenings for the most part. And I would have been enrolled, juggling, acting. My husband's position as an associate in law firm doesn't give him any flexibility either. Three mothers faced with the need to make it work, in a culture that hasn't quite figured it all out. Connie Green sticks with a full-time job that offers her some flexibility, counseling pregnant teens and young mothers at a Boston High School for a social service agency. Riva Klein knew that in neurology, a full-time job is a job in a half, 60 hours or more a week. She tried it and knew it wouldn't work for her, so she's cobbled together two part-time jobs,

one at a veteran's administration hospital. Touch my hand here. Then she heads off to a nursing home for consulting at the end of another 45-minute drive. I did seven years of postgraduate training after medical school. It never occurred to me I wouldn't have a choice of jobs. She puts hundreds of miles each week on the car in search of that elusive thing, a schedule that gives her rewarding work and time to be at home. It's hard. I often feel torn. Right now I'm working a little bit more than I would like to. It would be nice to have one full day that I'm at home to kind of catch up on paying the bills or doctor's appointments and spending a full day with the kids, knowing every day my older son wants to know, are you going to be the babysitter today? Are you going to stay with me today? Is it Saturday yet? And Leslie Swakeel, once sure she could do it all, is home after finding work she enjoyed wasn't a match for the struggle against an inflexible work schedule. A mom doesn't get a break either which way.

If she works, everybody starts, you know, there's always that crowd harping on you. But, you know, your child is the greatest thing you ever brought to this world. And, you know, you're not there to nurture it, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then you stay at home and everybody tells you, but you wasted all this money on this education and you're so bright and you're so capable and you're letting that die. In all three cases, the women have faced stretching and bending and squeezing to fit home to work and work to home because the systems aren't already there waiting in the workplace. So, while important things have changed, plenty didn't. We got stuck and women coped. What are we waiting for? The transformation of the American workforce is just about complete. The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2005, 8 out of 10 American kids below the age of 12 will have mothers who work. So, the real question is, what's going to be out there for those mothers and their children? We have a situation where we've entered a new stage both for a family life and work life, etc.

But we haven't caught up, I think, in terms of how can we sustain this level of activity without driving all of us to overstress lives, or whatever. Bradley Guggen studies business and family policies worldwide. The bosses don't have to confront it because there is no organized as it were opposition party. There is no organized sort of group that's saying, you know, enough is enough, or this is not what we'd like to see. So, in effect, the silence of this issue allows the status quo to continue. We have ghettoized the issue of families as a women and children's issue, pushed to the side, and then it's really easy to ignore it. And it's really a parenting issue, men and women and children. And once it's cast up that way, it's much harder to ignore. But Professor Barnett rejects the twin media images of modern motherhood. Women as either at home and satisfied, or working, hassled, and stressed to the limit.

She says the reality is more subtle. Women do struggle to keep it all going, and they do want to work. It's a message that hasn't been widely disseminated. That women who are employed derive now with their paycheck, which is important. But the challenge of work, the sense of using their abilities, the collegiality of working with other people. A lot about being in the workplace is that women enjoy, even women who have objectively really poor jobs, will tell you that they really like or even love their work. So here we are, America, on one of the last Mother's Day weekends of the 20th century. The expected changes in the world of work haven't all come. Mothers are a little pushed, a little tired, handling it, but still waiting for society to catch up. So finally, some Mother's Day wishes. My wish for Mother's is to be good to yourself, not to beat up on yourself. To enjoy your kids, enjoy your children's grow, whatever decision that you choose to be happy with them.

And don't worry about what your mother thinks or sister thinks or what society thinks. And think about what's best for you personally and what's best for your children. Make the decision and then relax with it. Happy Mother's Day to my mom. I love her very much. And to all my girlfriends that in the last year, all of us had her first daughters. First children, it was all daughters. And that we all can teach them well to love themselves. Still ahead on this Mother's Day special. You did too. A story you won't soon forget about becoming a mom. What are you going to do, Jackie? Calling Northwest 100 number to see you with the estimated arrival payments. Expecting a child from half a world away.

But first, a question from our nationwide poll. What's the most important source of happiness for moms, their husbands or their children? 51% say kids are number one. 28% put their partners first. What makes a mom a mom? When it comes to interracial adoption, motherhood is not a matter of biology or race or even nationality. So what does define this special bond? Each year Americans adopt about 10,000 children from other countries. Children whose new mothers will have a special task to care and cultivate a new identity, one with ties to two worlds. In that way, interracial and intercountry adoption can teach us something about what it means to be a mom. USA Today correspondent Dadi Enrico reports from Minneapolis. Now where's Merce going to sleep tonight?

Can you show everybody where Merce is going to sleep? Right here, see in the crib. Today marks the end of a long journey for Jackie and Dave Spike. The Minneapolis couple's second adopted child, Marissa, is arriving from South Korea. In just a few hours, three-year-old Brian will meet his sister for the first time. Who's coming today? Yeah, baby sister. This is Marissa right here. As you can see, she's the most beautiful girl in the world. That was my reaction right away. What a beautiful little girl. Mothers like Jackie Spike, who adopt children of another race, face a lifetime of special challenges. I know for personal experience. When I was just a few days old, I was abandoned on the steps of the city government building in Seoul, Korea. I was later adopted and raised in Indiana by Americans. I grew up knowing very little about my Korean heritage. But a new generation of adoptive mothers is taking a very different approach.

Thousands of us grew up trying to bridge a gap, caught between being Korean on the outside and American on the inside. Our mothers needed special tools to help us complete our identities, tools that are now available. Where were you born? I didn't know how to pronounce it. Okay, David, you're on TV. I like my mom, dad, and my brother. I want to be a pilot when I grow up. I love pizza. I'm 10 years old. I really want a pair of orange jeans. My favorite food are Chinese food, Korean food, and McDonald's. And I love playing volleyball and writing on my left hand. Okay, my name's Dottie, and I'm 38 years old. I'm not older than 38. I like the Yankees. I love my husband Greg and my dog Jacks. And I like my job at USA Today in the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's.

And I was born in Seoul. And I would like to go to Korea and everywhere in the world. Here in the Korean culture camp, adoptees and their families are learning about Korean food, language, and customs. This is the first chance many moms have had to meet other families that look like theirs. Members of the Korean community, like Yoon Joo Park, have provided the missing link for many moms. They help by sharing knowledge of Korea and its customs. I don't think your children are coming to learn only Koreans. They are learning about who they are and how to deal with the issues they might face as they are growing. Imagine the difficult task adopted mom's face of providing a racial identity for a child that looks nothing like them.

Some of the simplest questions like who am I or where am I from? Take on complex meaning. Kate Brady adopted her two daughters four years ago. When the girls first arrived on Amy and just first arrived, my greatest fear was I would not bond with these little ones. And it's really a natural question for all moms. But because of adoption, I think it was a question in my mind. Adopted mothers are pushed to understand issues at a deeper level than parents in general are pushed to understand. Adopted moms have learned many lessons from those of us adopted 20 or 30 years ago. They saw the painful effects of racism on our sense of self. Kim Van Ornam is 21 years old. She has come to the culture camp as an adult to look for the beauty in her Korean identity.

You know, I used to think that if I was the ugliest white person, I'd still be prettier than I was being Korean. Clearly, there wasn't as much consciousness about Korean culture and how important it is to our identity to know something about being Korean. In my mind, I wanted to be white. So, passionately, it's like, I mean, I didn't want to recognize that I was different, that I was Korean. My eyes were different or anything like that. Here at the Korean culture camp, Kim no longer feels so different. And being around the children around here is just, I love it. Like, I love watching them and stuff and it's just talking with people, learning about their experiences. That helps make me feel more whole. How does a mother build a bridge between two different worlds? Jackie Spike has already begun to sense the difficult task ahead. She might be terrified when she comes off the plane. She could be screaming, you know. The smells are different. I mean, everybody looks different.

People are speaking in different language. So, it's all going to be an adjustment for her getting used to how we do. You know, because we're not going to do it exactly the same as. But for Jackie, there is little time to think about the unknown. Marissa's arrival is just hours away. What are you going to do, Jackie? What are you under number to see if the estimated arrival time is? How often do you call that number? What is this third time? Come on, Brian. Let's go use a bathroom. 450, 450. Oh, right. Seven minutes earlier. Marissa is traveling thousands of miles to a new home. And she is also about to introduce a world of change to Jackie. The moms who are most successful are the ones who are able to change and grow as a result of the experience. Not necessarily stay rigid within their own identity before that child came into their lives. Do you think we're on time?

Weirdly. No flight aids here yet. Before Amy and Jessie came, if I picked up the newspaper, I'd see an article on North Korea, South Korea, and I might breeze through it. Now I read it, and I'm learning about another whole world that I wouldn't have been so open to learning about without Amy and Jessie being in their life. The movement to trans-racial adoption is the single greatest movement that will lead to racial harmony in this country. When you infiltrate and penetrate the American family, you penetrate the American system. These are families that are raising children on an intimate daily basis. And they are finally, finally, finally breaking down racial barriers that have existed in this country for centuries. Amy, have you ever seen a bigger camera in your life? No.

A bigger, bigger camera. A very big camera. Kate Brady and her daughter, Amy, do not share biological or racial bonds, but there's no mistaking that they belong to one another. They provide a unique answer to the question, what does it mean to be a mother? Do you want to see Marissa? Do you want to shake Marissa's hand? See, that's your baby's finger. That's your baby's finger. Don't cry, mommy. No, she can. She's happy. Later in the state of the union special, you see the differences that these children have made from day one.

It's really amazing. A mother who took on the Pentagon in a fight to provide good homes for children. Every day on the phone for two years, every day. But first, the story of a woman who first raised nine children, then headed for Capitol Hill. Here again is Julie Johnson. In Washington, where I'm a correspondent for ABC News, the role of women and government has never been greater. From the cabinet to the Congress, working moms are having their say. Few have had as much impact on the lives of mothers as Maryland Congresswoman Connie Morella. Her focus has been on issues like domestic violence and child support. Morella brings both political and parental savvy to the halls of Congress. She and her husband Tony raised nine children. That alone makes her law-making perspective unique. As Steve Roberts reports in, the woman on the hill. Thank you very much.

I just see women in leadership position. For more than 10 years, Connie Morella has been a member of Congress, a most unusual member. Did we put perfume on? A former English teacher, Morella raised nine children in one rather modest house in Bethesda, Maryland. The experience of motherhood has shaped her priorities and her values and made her a national leader on issues affecting women and families. Madam Speaker, today's family is already face tremendous stress. There's no doubt when you're making political decisions, public policy decisions, that your experiences are critically important. To have the whole myriad of memories of bringing up children inch by inch in terms of what challenges were and what the excitement was. In 1975, Tony and Connie Morella already had three biological children of their own.

Then Connie's sister Mary, a divorced mother of six, was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. Looking back, say, the Morella, they really only had one choice. I think we have resources that we don't think we have, and I think that I followed her lead in terms of the courage she showed. And so we were able to pull together the idea that her six children, who were all very young, including twins, would become our children. And we always spent time very, very sensitive to our natural children. This was how this was melding, but it worked. I mean, they would struggle and fight with each other. But how they come together, and there's a bonding there, and she's the glue. When I was young, I was amazed at how many sandwiches she could squeeze out of a can of tuna fish. You're going to take care of this.

Paul Morella is the oldest of Connie and Tony's children. He remembers well the strains and stresses of six new siblings, on family finances, and on his parents' time. Yet he never felt deprived of his mother's attention. She could make you feel very, very special, like you were the most important thing in the world to her at that point in time. And you were. And from that moment on, they were all in charge of their own laundry. This meant that there were times when in the middle of the night, you'd have clunk, clunk, clunk. These were the sneakers. They were in the dryer. I have raised nine children. Connie Morella is a living example of the old saying. The personal is political. Her experience raising children led directly to her decision to run for public office. And after some early defeats, she won a seat in the state legislature in 1978. That's what drew me to politics. It wasn't power. It wasn't looking ahead to a future in politics, because I was happy teaching, but I thought,

I want to get there and I want to be able to mold and craft policy, thinking of all of the things I'd been through with the children, particularly, in about their future. This is what we do. We give a legacy to our children. A couple of years later, Connie moved up to Capitol Hill. At the time, she joined a group of only 23 women in the entire house. Now there are 51, a new record. I think she's a role model in so many ways. Leslie Wolf had the research center that studies women and politics. She's been a successful mother and a successful wife, and a successful policy leader, but she also has a human being. Like most women in Congress, Morella came to a rapid realization. If she did not fight for issues like child support enforcement, or family leave, or women's health insurance, no one would. Now one of the senior women in Congress. Morella has spent her career working with other women,

often across party lines. They create a sisterhood across Democratic Republic and left right. When it comes to issues like child care, like child support enforcement. The thing that's most powerful to me about the Congress women who are mothers is that they don't make this false dichotomy between what's good for women and what's good for children. The Lindy Boggs room, the only room in the Capitol named for a woman, is where the female members can relax, discuss issues, and share their personal experiences. Many of us have experienced raising a family. We know what those responsibilities are like. We also have had experience in the world in terms of education, caring about those issues. Certainly child care, domestic violence, health issues. We can talk about what we think should happen to this legislative body in terms of improving it legislatively. Thank you, dear Lord, for the food that we're about to receive. With her sprawling family, which now includes 15 grandchildren.

She faces first-hand what every working mother faces every day. The constant balancing act between home and job. I think that people should realize that women sometimes carry tremendous burdens and napsacks of guilt because they want to be every place and they want to do everything. That's an interesting cut, too. I think you set your priorities. You can't do everything. And you have to realize that their health and they are very important and that the time you spend with them will have to be qualitative time. But that you do need some other help. We treasure, absolutely treasure the precious quality time we have. Every morning, every morning, she leaves before I do. I go down to the garage with her. I read the newspaper to her. I was getting ready. We'll talk over the car phone.

This guy at the end, you really will. At a time when the American agenda is shifting to issues of work and family. The insight and experience of mothers like Connie Morella is more valuable than ever. I think you're so funny. That family core is what she takes to it. How the eyes sparkle. And I think that it reflects in the way she, the decisions she makes, the choices she makes. I think that it should be a prerequisite for anybody going into politics. Bringing a mother's point of view to Congress is just one way working women make a difference. Our next story is about a mom who took on the Pentagon to help kids in need. There are a half a million children in the foster care system. Half a million kids whose prospects are often bleak. For example, in the state of Illinois, 80% of all prison inmates have been in foster care. Foster care kids need what a good mom provides.

A place where consistency and commitment are commonplace. Brenda Ehart wanted to provide that possibility. When she learned that a local air force base was closing, she persuaded the Pentagon to put it to good purpose. From Randto, Illinois, Joanne Garrett reports. Springtime in the central plains of Illinois. For years, this area was known for farming and flying. The city of Randto, Illinois, was home to the Chinute Air Force Base. For 76 years, from 1917 on, for tens of thousands of servicemen and women, Chinute was home. That changed in 1988 when Chinute was included in the very first round of military base closings. It is now home to Hope Meadows, a very different operation,

but one just as critical to our country, the raising of children. When you see the differences that these children have made from day one, you know, it's really amazing. They just want to be left. I do believe that it takes the whole village to raise a child. Hope Meadows, this village, was created when abandoned air force housing was turned into homes. The result is a quiet, safe neighborhood with a special mission. In this place, the priority is kids. Specifically, meeting the needs of older foster care kids and the families who care for them. At Hope Meadows, mothers are viewed as critical, so critical. They pay them. The founder of Hope Meadows, Brenda Ehecker. One of our thoughts was that there are an awful lot of women out there earning roughly $18,000 a year, $20,000 a year, who must work, but really want to be stay at home moms and are very good at it and love doing it.

And so one thought we had was, well, let's make that possible for them. He wants that ASAP. Ehecker teaches at the University of Illinois and has spent years studying the failures in the foster care system. I finally just thought about my own kids. We have our daughter's biological, our son's adopted, and I said, what would I want for them? If this, if they were in this situation that these other kids were in, if, you know, we should die in a car accident, we had no relatives, I knew I didn't want them going into the foster care system. Thank you. What she wanted was a place like Hope Meadows. So, Ehecker battled the Pentagon for housing, fought for money from the state of Illinois, and set up this program. Whereby a woman like Debbie Calhoun, whose husband works, agrees to stay home and raise at least four foster children in addition to her own. In return, these foster mothers who are carefully screened receive a salary.

We're on an 18,000 year salary, and along with that we get the home to raise our families in, which, I mean, you can't go out into the regular community and find a home this large without paying an enormous amount of rent. So now Calhoun is a mother to eight children, including five adopted, one biological, and two foster care children. But the Calhouns hope to adopt. Much better. Mark, please, I'm very, very proud of you. Is it good? It is very, very good. Everybody looks out for everybody else. You know, the kids can be out playing. You've got a grandparent here that's keeping an eye on them or playing ball with them or something in it. It's not just the parents doing the job. It's the seniors also. There we go. I think. Jim and Mary Saunders are the Calhouns next door neighbors. Jim was once a service man here, but now he and his wife are back as volunteer grandparents. They give time to the community and the kids in return for reduced rent.

It was like twofold. We're to help them, but it's also helping us. Pull, push. I'm pulling in your pushing. Whether they call me grandpa or whatever, I just feel like I belong to them, they belong to me. I don't know how else to put it, but it's just like they're part of the family. They are that extra set of hands there to guide these children. That extra heart committed to these kids. Mary recalls one particular visitor. He comes barreling down on his bicycle and he comes into the driveway and Jim's doing piddling in the yard doing something. And he looks up at him and he said, can I call you grandpa? Jim said sure you can call me grandpa. He got on his bicycle and he went back down to his house and his mom said, so he came down and he says, I got more grandpa than anybody.

It's probably not possible to give these kids too much love. In their short lifetimes, many of the kids who come to Hope Meadows may have seen terrible violence, suffered physical or sexual abuse, almost certainly injured, chronic neglect, and that heartbreak of an absent mom. When these children come here, they don't know the concept of caring, they don't trust, they don't know how to hug. Their arms will be straight down to their sides. They didn't want to talk to anyone and it's very difficult to get through to them. You have to love them and they're starved for love. Love can cure many things, but make no mistake, caring, being a mom is hard work. It's not a lot of work. Sometimes it gets rough and I will not lie to you there at times when I stood here and said, oh God, did I really do? What Jeanette Laws did was to take in foster children at age 51 as a widow.

Laws chose to become a mom. She now has four foster kids, two older and two nine month old twins. And as a single mom, Laws also works outside the home to supplement her foster care salary. Is it worth it? If it means that four children in the world will get a better start than they would have, then fine. Being a mom requires work, consistency, and a willingness to sometimes be the heavy. Okay, so when you do what you're not supposed to, what has to be paid? Consequences. Consequences. The result of discipline, which is part of caring, which is the outcome of loving, which is the soul of motherhood. Those are my children, and here they didn't come from here, they came from here. Here's a mother's day question to consider.

How often do you speak with your mom, once a day, once a week, or once a month? According to our survey, 82% of women speak with their mothers at least once a week. 45% talk to mom almost every day. Here again is Dave Iverson. We're coming a mom is what's expected in this country, but what happens if you're a woman who's not a mom? Let's say you're in your mid-30s, the mid-40s, and someone asks you if you have kids, and you say no. What happens? Do you feel you have to explain? That's the position, an increasing number of women are in in this country, so on this weekend of all weekends, what's life like if you're not a mom? Derek McGinty decided to find out.

This is Little Justin, part of the baby boom lit of the 1990s. He's the son of a close friend. I'm single and childless. Like a lot of women I know, it's part of a growing trend. In fact, figure show that by the end of this century, one in five women will be without children. It's the highest level of childlessness since the Great Depression. But as we discovered, not being a mom, whether it's by choice or by chance, can invite some pretty negative reactions. Why do people walk up to me at parties and say, don't you think your life is always going to be empty if you don't have your children? Or who's going to take care of you when you're old? I think sometimes people think women who don't have children are less nurturing, less loving, less compassionate maybe. Motherhood doesn't define three women who work and live around the nation's capital.

But for women in our culture, maternity is still the expectation, so its absence raises questions. Do you ever feel left out of conversations when everybody starts to talk about their kids? For me, in the workplace, it's actually been a little bit the opposite because there aren't a lot of women in my workplace who talk about their kids. I think people that talk if they're consistently about their children, or that is boring as people who talk excessively about their jobs. If it's a monologue, it's not very interesting. So I think that everything is balanced. Dr. Annette Ann Child works as a therapist in Washington's Georgetown community. She went back to school in her 30s to earn her degrees. For her, like 68% of the childless women in our survey, it wasn't a choice, it just happened that way. For me, I know that other people maybe started hearing the clock ticking at 30, you know, I just never heard it. I've always taken my life sort of a day at a time and not really thought ahead for better or for worse. You know, they say men don't do so well in retirement because they define themselves by their jobs.

Many times, women are defined by their families. What do you think about that? And are you concerned about not having that kind of family? There are moments. I mean, I was in the earthquake in California a few years ago, and I have to say that the big thought for me was, I thought I was going to die in that instant, and I thought, wow, how could I die alone? I'm Italian. You know, I deserve a family. You know, I try to make a family. I mean, certainly in Georgetown, I have a family of merchants that are my neighbors. You know, when I walk to work, there must be 10 different places. I'll stop, or people a little wave. This is Mama Chu. Good to see you. Despite the support she gets from her extended family, Anchild still entertains thoughts of motherhood. Well, interestingly enough, I feel more drawn to it than ever. I feel more psychologically ready than I've ever been. I feel better financially than I ever have. I'm more settled in my life. I can see that I have a lot to bring to motherhood. It just seems like it would almost be too much love to bear. You know, just too amazing to see your own children be happy and healthy.

I love you, you know, back. While some romanticized motherhood, business consultant Maryelle and Gore did not. She's childless by choice. Married for 23 years, Gore and her husband realized children were not for them. I really know that this was the best decision for me and my husband. I worry about what other people might say. It doesn't bother me what other people might say. I don't understand why they don't understand me. And they look at it from the point of view that a woman, to be a total woman, has to be married and have raised a family. They never look at the satisfaction around that making that decision. There was a restaurant on the top of a hill. Why? It was very dangerous. We took a bus. Gore has found some of that satisfaction traveling with her husband. And in the peace and quiet her childless lifestyle provides, she enjoys reading mystery novels.

Some people will say, you're being selfish. You can look at it as being selfish. I also look at it as being honest. On this is the way I'm going to get the best out of me. Leslie Thornton certainly aims for the best. As Deputy Chief of Staff and Counselor to the Secretary of Education, Thornton often finds herself at the White House. She gives her job a high priority in her life. I work for an administration whose policies and positions I care very deeply about and I do work I think is important. And the Social Secretary has obviously needed a list by two. Photos scattered around Thornton's office are impressive, but she realizes there have been trade-offs. I don't think that I would have had some of the experience I've had in the past five years particularly if I had a family. And I don't think I would trade those experiences right now. What do you think about $45,000?

Yet for all her career focus, Thornton does worry about the personal price she pays. I think I want to have children and I don't want it to get to a point where it's too late and then it's like, oh my God, I didn't have children. After you were married broke up, did that change how you felt about having a family or your expectation? Well, certainly it's not going to happen now, but I do probably still want to have a family at some point. I don't want at a time. Do you worry about running out of time? I do. I don't worry about being alone. But I do worry about running out of time to have a family. I'm a marriage and family counselor. Whether or not they ever have children, these three women, like many others in their generation, no longer see motherhood as the ultimate expression of being a woman. Do you ever feel any regrets, especially when you're around your friends who have kids? Never, never. And when women would bring in their babies at work and I had a boss, she would just ogle and, you know, oh, I just don't get that way around babies at all. You know, it's funny because a lot of people will be shocked by what you're saying.

I'm not sure. She's not that she feels the way that she's staying out. But what's interesting is that she's like, why? Because it's not popular. It's not popular. It's not done. Our whole program is about Mother's Day. And I wondered if that holiday means anything to you guys outside of your own mothers, I guess. I think it's a great celebration of love, but I don't have a feeling of being left out. I mean, I think that women without children still mother. We mother are our office mates, our twins, our friends kids, our families. I mean, we're talking about a feminine instinct, not just a literal maternal instinct. It's worth noting that Mother's Day was originated by a woman who didn't have children. Anna Jarvis created Mother's Day back in 1908 because she was concerned about the care her mother and other aging mothers received. It's a concern that's even more relevant today.

Half of the women we surveyed are either caring for an older parent or expect to within the next 10 years. Women also told us that taking care of an aging parent is a source of some anxiety and stress. But as we see in Marsha Franklin's story, it's also an experience on this Mother's Day weekend that's rich with meaning. They get to my age, they're usually in nursing home, and I'm still here, and I'm certainly glad for it. 91-year-old Ethel Scype, known to friends and family as Mac, cherishes her independence. But holding on to that freedom is becoming more difficult. Mac is in the first stages of Alzheimer's disease. I'm going to get a little shaky, and I think he stinks and it hurts me to death. I had dug for that word, but I got it. That's what it does when I feel I forgot something.

She would forget that she had taken her medication and she would take it again. Mac's daughter, Linda Flores, works full-time as an office manager, so she felt she couldn't give her mother all the help she needed. What I needed to look for were resources that would be able to keep her where she is, where she's comfortable and safe by adding layers of help. So she plastered reminder notes around Mac's apartment and hired a health care worker to help her mother. And five hours a day, Mac goes to an Alzheimer's Day Center. There, she joins 30 other San Franciscans with memory loss in activities to challenge their minds. In 35, give it a roll. Oh, guess who won? Joanne Handy is the center's director. If we thought our parents were only going to live until age 70 or 75, we should be prepared for them to live to 95, 100 or beyond.

For Mac, that's meant increasing dependence on her daughter. Can't be, I think so. That's okay. You're 91 now and it's okay that you don't always remember. Linda calls her mother throughout the day, but she still comes home to messages like these. Friday, 727 A.M. The volume is in the area and the 730. Oh, dear, you can't hear me. Friday, 728 A.M. Oh, please call. Friday, 731 A.M. By the time that I get home from work, even though I've called her a number of times in the afternoon, I would say an average would be maybe 15 calls will be on my machine. There are times that she'll call me and she'll be screaming at me because she's very angry and I do understand the reason that she's angry is because of this.

It's hard on me because I didn't grow up with the mother that yelled. Should we do another little manicure today? On the weekends, the situation calms as Linda brings her mother to her home south of San Francisco. They look better than they've looked for years now that we've been paying extra attention to them. She's been such a wonderful role model for me that this is a behavior I want to emulate. Can you imagine that? No. Okay, we'll do the next one. How about this one? The weekends, though, are when Linda notices how much her mother is changing. Do you want me to fold? I'm going to have you fold. I've forgotten here. You're doing a good job, Mom. You've got it halfway there. I hate getting old.

The roles have been reversed. I'm really the mom now. She's still mom, but it isn't. She's not the same mom that I grew up with. We're not able to have the same kinds of conversations. And from an emotional standpoint, I miss my mom. Matt grew up on a ranch in Montana. She had Linda when she was in her late 30s and they've always been especially close. Linda's father died almost 20 years ago. Unfortunately, my father did have a drinking problem. We're kind of a team in terms of how we handled my dad and in terms of her support of me. If you need me anytime in the middle of the night or whenever, all you have to do is what? Yeah. That's right. Okay, my dear. Good night. Good night. And I'll see you in the morning. I love you. You've been there.

That's for sure. And you are not taking out at night? No, that's for sure, darling. Love you. Okay. Good night. Good night. The next day, it's time for Mac to go home. But soon, Linda may have to decide if her mother can even continue on her own. And this is my children's home, isn't it? Or is this my home? No. Is it? You don't know. I don't either. No, it's her home. That rug is Linda's. It's awful to lose your memory. Okay. Now, take your time. Okay. Should I leave a thank you note? Or did you? Well, mom, you don't have to leave a thank you note because you were at my house. You were with me and you're always welcome at my house.

How long could we go on like this? Me losing my memory. As long as I know that you're safe and it's a good place for you to be, then we can continue this way. The awful drag on you, darling. I'm willing to do it, mom. You. This is important for me. And there's just one more thing we have to say. Happy Mother's Day, mom. Happy Mother's Day, mom. And to my son Justin, thanks for making me a mom. Good night, everyone. Good night. To learn more about this program and our State of the Union survey results, visit us at PBS Online at the Internet Address on your screen. State of the Union is produced with the participation of USA Today and NPR's Talk of the Nation.

Thank you very much. Funding for this program has been made possible by the Pew Charitable Trust, the Ford Foundation, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting,

and by the annual financial support of viewers like you. The State of the Union Family Toolkit contains resource material and additional information on motherhood in the 90s, or free copy, call 1-800-253-1158 or write to the address on your screen. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.