Dying; Part 1

The. The. My husband died two years ago it was 29 and a graduate student

when he became very ill and went into the hospital. But no one would tell us what was wrong with him. They did all kinds of tests and exploratory surgery and we waited for lab reports and all kinds of findings. And it was only indirectly through a friend that I learned that Mark had cancer. I was so angry that it enabled me to go right to the new doctor and I said does lymphocyte Coleman mean cancer of the lamps. And he said yes it does. And then I asked what we were talking about in terms of time and he said that the average life expectancy was five months. Old at that point Mark was so sick because of it had no treatment. That five months was like a gift to me because I believed that it would mean he would see his second child born and that maybe we would see spring together. Well then I had to decide

what to do with what I knew. But Mark did not know that. A doctor said that many patients don't wish to know the truth. His mom was afraid that if he knew his condition would get worse. And in some ways it was easier to be with him in the hospital where he talked about coming home. And to go home where we knew what it was all about. But a friend said to me well it's your covenant. And then I knew what I was going to do. We had had a tradition of honesty with each other and I knew that this was something that I could not keep. Now that I knew it that it was something we needed to share. I also wanted to draw strength from him and I knew that I would be able to do that. So I went to the medical staff and I asked them not to medicate him because we were going to have a truthtelling session and I went to Mark and told him that Lampung sarcoma was a form of cancer. And a difficult one at that.

There were lots of treatments to try and then he wept and finally said you had to carry it all in though. Well this was one instance for us at least when the truth did set us free. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from me because now I was sharing it with him. He told the doctor if I have only three days to live i want to know about it. So I don't waste those days. Well it became a time when friends could come now because we were dealing with that honesty and tell Mark that they loved him. One friend wrote to say hope like the tide rises and falls. While I love like the sea his constant we never made it to even the fifth month.

It wasn't quite four months before it was clear that the treatments were not working. Mark had no wish to be kept alive with tubes or heroic measures. And he said that he wished to die at home surrounded with friends and family and having life going on around him. So the doctor released him from the hospital after the fourth time and we all thought that was probably the last hospitalization. I made arrangements with the cancer society to have an aspirator and oxygen unit delivered when they were needed. It was a good period at home. We did lots of sharing reading together. I took care of him late into the night. And took care of his medication for him. But before the equipment was delivered he began to hemorrhage. And he asked to be

taken back to the hospital so that he could have some help with his breathing. He almost died on the way because the police paddy wagon that came had no oxygen unit. At the hospital did resuscitate him and gave him a series of transfusions. During that time I was shoved back into a corner of his room and I really resented the medical world's. Taking away my role as a caring person. The walls were bare and there were no flowers or curtains or pictures. It was blood all over. And I no longer had anything to do. I'm grateful now for the extra day that the medical world gave us. It seemed for a while that the transfusion was holding and so I needed to go home to nurse my child and I went home that night to do that. But

before the baby woke up a phone call came in the early morning saying that Mark was having trouble breathing again. And I knew that he would probably die that day. So I went right into the hospital and I had a friend sneak Kim in under a poncho so that I could nurse her by Mark's bedside. And that gave us a sense of the continuum of life. I think my only real regret about that day is that I didn't break the rules and have Robin come in as well. When it became clear that the transfusion was not holding Mark asked to have the plugs pulled to remove all the Ivey's and stop the blood pressure and temperature readings. Our doctor honored Mark's request to die with dignity.

And he was put on morphine to relieve the pain and enable the letting go process. In a strange way it was a good day we were able to share things we talk. I read Tamar if I brought him flowers I gave him his last bath. He told me what he had intended to get his mom for Mother's Day. He recognized friends. There was some hallucinating because of the morphine but he sang songs and he asked to have he said bring the party in here where is everybody. So friends gathered around his bed and although he had not eaten or drunk anything for 48 hours he. Saw that we had brownies that a friend had brought in and he asked to share them with us so there was a real breaking of bread. With brownies and ginger ale.

Then in the early evening he kissed me and he said let's call it quits. And he died about a half hour later. There was for me then only an immediate. Glad acceptance that he had been released from physical suffering. And free to go into a different way. As he had wished. His body was given to medical science and his eyes were. Given that another might see. And we did learn later that the cornea transplant a successful. History. Of. When you.

Put it in my book. My name is Maynard my math teacher. Two years ago and work on this film was beginning. I was asked to serve as a consultant. The assignment they said was to make a documentary about dying. It was to be a film that would bring the whole business of dying out of the deep freeze of silence where most American families keep it up into the living room

where it can be talked about. It was also to be a film that would look long enough and closely enough that individual men and women who were dying to enable its audiences to respond from their hearts as well as their minds. And that was to be a film that would show some of the resources from which dying people have drawn strength music visual arts literature religious faith all the subject matters and the experiences that we sometimes call the humanities. That was where I came in. I was supposed to know something about the humanities. The feeling was we first imagined it and had a prologue and epilogue and a long Middle Park between the long middle part. We assigned to the people who were facing death. We knew what we would have to look for in them. They would have to be unselfconscious enough not to mind appearing on a public street. They would have to be strong enough to endure the knowledge that they would not appear at their best. They would have to be generous enough to find compensation and the thought that giving up their privacy might be a way to help others

might in fact be a way to leave a personal testament behind. We knew something else too. We knew that some of those must become their trusted friends so that our camera crew would be welcome in their households and that way they could take some part in the production and direction of their own story. The end result we hoped would be an insight into dying as it is felt by the dying person as well as by those who survived our prologue and epilogue had of course a different day. They were intended to place these very personal feelings in a wider perspective. Dining and rituals with which human beings have surrounded it were to be presented historically. Perhaps the camera could single out with its own special vividness. Some of those objects by which in earlier times human beings took pains to remind themselves that is life is as fragile as a dream. The fingerings for instance engraved with death's head and cross-bones are the paintings of the beautiful young woman whose face becomes a skull when

viewed from the right angle and always of course we plan to draw on the poems and which people are about to die have found consolation. Perhaps we would have them beautifully read by an actor. This was all homeground to me. I was excited when I won't get them and get after a while the people we were looking for were found and over a good many months what we had been calling the middle part of the film got itself made. I saw it for the first time when we had nearly finished a short while ago. I knew at once that could be no prologue or epilogue to that film. The thought that leapt to my mind was of a scene in Shakespeare's King Lear where the old king and his two retainers meet a naked beggar. The king looks first at the robes that he is wearing and then that the naked man says here's three of us are sophisticated. Thou art the thing itself. I realized then that in our film the thing itself was the experience of the suffering human beings. I had

just seen anything laid on from the outside as I had been planning to lay on our poetry and music in the prologue and epilogue was sophisticated like the King's robes. So the film you are now about to see like the sample you saw at the beginning centres exclusively on people when music or poetry or religious faith come into it. They are the music and the poetry and the faith. The people who are watching on the screen. They are part of their Stower part of what they wanted you to know. There is no doubt in my own mind that as a film progressed they thought often I view you who would see them in their weakness as well as their strength. You who might judge them harshly not realizing what courage it takes to face death steadily and how sometimes even the highest courage fails. They thought often of you. I am convinced of that and the message that I seem to read in their eyes all the more urgent for not being spoken

when something like this. Tell them that though this comes to them on film it is not fiction but truth tell them to try to see how precious what they have is telling to try to think now how they would behave in my place. Some day they will be in my place. I have cancer. It's an. Inoperable type. Grows just like moths. Into. The. Brain. And there is absolutely nothing can be done. Far. And. All you have to do is wait. And do what you can do and you can do. That. One.

Is. A. Fair. There. Was. Less from the swelling and a good night. It just falls at night. Though. When I saw. It. I see it. And. I think. I see it more here. Now. I'm going can smash down and see. If it's if it's going in. Here let me push the beach. And my push. So I get to hurry up. Before. I have a. Plan. Will.

Go down. The. Line. Well. Let's start from scratch. I do it. Day after day. And then. Where. Did you turn. Your Back. Yeah. That's. Healthy. Before I was sick I was a big. Help. Ready hit. Climbing mountains all over and having a wonderful time and mowing lawns and just having a nice time.

And then. Down down down. I wish you all remember one day. Because. You do. OK. Why. Not. OK again. And why. Right. Now. It's. My. Turn around. Right. Right. Around. Right. All the way around. Be Left handed in a heavy and left hand like that and

shift you. That's it. Good. Right along the flight line right. Oh that means I'm around hot. Now you saw back down a bit. OK. Hold that position. Hold it right there. And. To. Stand there. With. You. You. Can do a little bit to the left a little bit. You know what I mean you're lifting up and a little bit more to the left. Are you getting dizzy now. That. Loves to walk backwards. I know I can. And now you're right. And. It's. Great. I'll never forget the doctor who came in imbibing. Found

me. Crying my eyes out. He couldn't believe his eyes because he had never seen me shed a tear. But. That day. I had met. A man. Up in. Radiation. Our. X ray some place. Who was having. That See. He then said I don't know how many children and several or multiple births. And he was. Dying from leukemia. And. That. Did. Shake the devil out of me because he said. If only I could see what they are like. I'm going to be like. A.

A. As far as Diane. Everybody has to die. It's just like. When you look at a little baby. Some day that baby will be an old man. Or no. Than if they live longer now. And so I have no fear of death. A.

A. A. I would like to go into a coma and just drink the long and Lembo and then die rather than be a vegetable and live and live for quite a while.

So you can't really say we don't have choice of a destiny. You. Know. OK. How. Is your mother picking you up. No I'm. Not coming. Going my ambulance. What. Do.

You want me to. Walk over. With. You. I'm. Going down. On the. Road. Well. Now one. Position always very well put her all over her.

All right. Well what is it we brought you in this last time. Well why now let's start with Bill when I'm with and the woman found the gentleman that was in July and August are ringing phone. And then I went to bed and then I came here. But I got one reprieve. They brought me out on Christmas Day. So I'm just down. The road. A year. From them.

I think so. And we'll. Get. To that right that we were talking right. Isn't it beautiful. Oh mama is not fun like home. And especially. Right. Yes. Thank you. Can I rent. A room.

Now. That's her voice really. You can die. I'm. Sorry. You let me. Kiss. It. Let me.

Sit. Around. All right. Now. This. Glass is coming down. These people it think that. We come here. In this is that. I had a really.

Good. One. Out every day. Every night. If.

You're. Thinking. I'm writing to you and you feel. That. You can get. Had. Enough. Time. To. Make. Time to the next time you get ready. To. Drop on me

that you get out. There. And I'm catching the next. Motorboat. I'm going. With. Who's ever in the motor boat. Leave it all up. I'm never coming back. Even.

If. You don't perfectly well why. I think he's doing very well. Yeah. Better than I expected. Yeah but the situation is is really bad. The only time that I am relieved and can get this out of my mind is when he is gone is when he is in Pontville. I know about. No no I don't try to tell me any fairy tales about it all now I'm off. I know what's going to happen. And then I may be left with two teenage boys and I'm sorry George but I am just not bored with that one. I would rather be left now and I could have a chance to you know maybe get them another father or something but left with two teenage boys you know and this kind of world. And it's it's causing a brilliant you know in our marriage he can feel it and I can feel it. And we really had

a bad summer and I'm either very upset or else I'm way up on high. You know our way down. And he even said what happened to the sweet girl and Mary. And I said to sweet girl you married has been tortured by this cancer. You know and I don't want to say on line. You know I'm wishing him dead or anything like that George. But if he's got to go why can't it just be quick and get over with. You need to take it easy. Because you. Make it easy on him. You. Might.

Trying to hit the market plunged into the woods. Calm down. The. And. I don't want to hear that word again. I'm over here. I'm. Homebuyer's. Here. The.

The. Sites. Already bought. All we're going to sit here and relax while I. Can. Do. You. Maybe.

Hold. On. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The last thing I said was true for the moment you say was No. I told you enough for me and I said Well then I said. Good bye to dad. OK.

OK. All. Up here. Yes. Stevie. Wash your hands. And you to take your back. You can do that but. It's not for. Those glasses.

And so we're all. I want all. Three of. My call me names. I. Think it's. One. That's not very good. I told you to put that down and put it right and eat it right.

Yeah. What did you eat. What would you like some more chicken. Very much when you stop eating like an animal. And. Yes. Where is he. He. Could. Be. Finished with your whole life. Stevie Are you finished with. Your life right away and get out the clarinet and start putting it together. Come on right after I finished talking to Daddy you have to be long. Gone. Are your feelings. Did they give you a break today. And then what's the story for tomorrow. Bond fan. And then this story for 30.

OK. So then I come get you on Friday as usual. So this morning I went to Oprah again you know and I picked out the place. You know and there's one empty one right next to it. And they did have he did have. A set of two for sale. Some people wanted to sell you know individually. You know but you said no. So I told him No you know it was very simple. Oh baby daddy wants to talk about me. You can talk to him later. Yeah. What do you think it is going to be

great great movie. And if your dad. Was on that. One. OK Bob I'll feel. Even better yet you get away from him and get in the dining room with him and get your new highlights and work on it. And don't bother him till he is done. You know that it's almost eight o'clock. Giving. Away and get out the clarinet. Now. You're not writing the.

DAMN THING NOW. GET OUT. GET. Your boss her $41 your client. You. Know he's made good music. Tell me. Why did they get it's on. Oh come on now. You. Are right. I've been with you. Well hey. That's cool. You know you love it. Oh thank you. No more talking now.

And I said Come on get in the front seat my skinny. He said I'm not right in his car and he slammed the door and he said I'm walking home. And he starts walking you know. And I said oh no you're not and I get out of the car and I go to grab his arm and he runs from me and he's running from me in front of all the parents at Western school screaming and I'm saying Stephen long pipe hair. Well I was curious so I got in the car when I got home. Boy I bet I beat him I gave it to him good. And he did his usual act has thrown himself on the floor and he couldn't breathe in the hall. Did you know. Yes. So I said go to your room and stay there until supper. But I hope he's not going to have to go to the psychologist to. See.

Well that's the whole point. The longer that this is dragged out the worse it's going to get on all of us. To. Do. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing you. Just keep going from day to day. That was yeah I. Play bingo. You know for a full year you know you have to. Go. One bottle after your favorite receiver. As your thing. You're. Instantly.

Going. Well. I was in here before. And I told you how I felt. And I thought you understood. And. The longer this is. Prolonged. We're going to get our 10 year old son is now starting to feel like he even came out and said something about his daddy was going to die. I mean this whole situation is just getting terrible. And the longer you prolong this if you prolong this and leave me with two teenage boys that's just going to be terrible. And I refuse to be left with two teenage boys with drugs and alcohol and the whole bit. And. I really was. Relieved when we thought progression had started. I really was relieved I'm sorry. That may some terribly doctors Tobeck.

But I really was. How do you think it would be different if Bill were to die now. You're still going to be left with two teenage boys at some point. But we would get over it. And. I'm sure we would get over it. And I feel that I'm young enough that I could remarry. And. You know. Maybe have a happy life and they could you know have a. New father to help them. I know this sounds horrible to you Dr. Stone back. Why do you think that sounds far. You know. Talking about. This kind of thing. You know I knew father and all that. Dr. Steinberg all told the truth. I pray that that chemotherapy wouldn't work. I. Did. And I still. Think he's got to go. Why can't I just get pregnant get over with. You know. I think that you are frustrated.

By. Not having a definite time given to you. I'm afraid that this is something that. Unfortunately we can give you. We can't. We can't predict and it is difficult. But I think the difficulties that you're having right now. Trying to deal with the uncertainty. Here. Is something that that. Is present in the families. Of all patients not just with cancer but with with every disease. But I think we have to also. Take into consideration what would Bill's feeling and what he wants out of life. And he has the. I think the basic right to make some of these decisions. All. Right.

Guys. We. Get your heart today. Good. Luck