OutCasting; Growing up gay in a small southern town

... [Intro music], [David] This is OutCasting, the Low- Lower Hudson River Valley's only youth run radio show dealing with lgbtq struggles, triumphs, lifestyles, and favorite coming-out stories. Where you don't have to be queer to be here. OutCasting is a production of Westchester Public Radio WDFH FM 90.3 in Ossinning, New York. And on the net at WDFH.org. Hi, I'm David on this edition of OutCasting, Mady will talk with Joseph Birdsong about coming out, college life, and more. We'll also listen to one of his songs. [Mady] Hi, I'm Mady. Today I'm speaking with Joseph Birdsong about growing up gay in a small town. You may also know him as Disney Kid One on YouTube. Joseph is a popular vlogger, writer, musician and all around internet celebrity. He's also a former member of the activism channel Five Awesome Gays. Joseph, thanks for joining us. [Joseph] Hi, thanks for having me. [Mady] Where did you grow up? [Joseph] Well, I grew up in a very, very small town in

central Arkansas. The population was about three or four thousand. We actually just got a Pizza Hut, which is kind of how we guage and tell people how small we are. It's the biggest talk of the town in the past couple months, because we finally have pizza delivery. It's one of those places where everyone really knows everyone else, and it's a fairly conservative and religious place. [Mady] Does that include, you know, conservative religious beliefs or like moral beliefs? [Joseph] I would say mostly both. It's also one of those little towns where there's kind of a church on every corner, and, you know, I wouldn't say that people are looked down upon who don't go to church, but I would say you're kind of like expected to go church, everyone kind of expects everyone to belong to a different church or something. So, I would say it's pretty conservative in both aspects. [Mady] How did that make you feel in terms of, you know, your own identity? Did you also share these conservative religious values, or did you see yourself as kind of the outcast or completely different from the rest of your town? [Joseph] I would say I grew up

feeling a little bit isolated from everyone else, and I would say that my family was a little bit isolated as well, because my family's fairly liberal, and so I've never had any issues coming out with my family or anything, but in the community I would say it was definitely an isolating feel, just because it was so ingrained in the community that it was ingrained in the way that we were taught in school. I had certain teachers who wouldn't teach certain things because of religion. [Mady] What about your family? Did they have the same kind of outlook? Did they have really strong ties in the community. [Joesph] They actually have really strong ties in the community, my mom is a recently retired school teacher and she taught in town for I think about 20 years, and my dad was actually a preacher before I was born, not that me being born had anything to do with him retiring from that. And then both of them actually used to play piano and organ at a small little church in town. So, I would say that they have really strong ties to the community. Probably not as much as when I was

growing up, but they're definitely, I would say, most people know who my parents are in the community. [Mady] So in terms of your own family you felt kind of, not as, not so different from, you know, as far as the rest of the town goes, you felt a little more accepted in your own family than the rest of the town? [Joseph] I would say I never really had an issue coming out with my family more than I had an issue coming out with the rest of the community. [Mady] Did you ever feel like you needed to hide anything about yourself or that, you know, you couldn't really be yourself, you know, obviously your family was a little different from the rest of your community now but, you know, walking out on the street did you ever feel like you were hiding something or that you felt like, you know, people didn't really understand you? [Joseph] Definitely. I don't feel like I was ever really able to be myself until after I graduated high school and then, to a certain extent, until I moved away and was able to see things differently and discover myself. Looking back, there were definitely some people and some friends I could've talked to in the

community but, it's weird because there's always that risk that they're going to condemn you or never speak to you again. So, I think it was kind of traumatizing at a young age knowing that who you really are and the way you're born can bring about such a strong reaction from other people. And so I definitely felt like I wasn't able to fully be myself until I was, sort of, out of the situation a little bit. [Mady] Who in your community did you first come out to? [Joseph] I'm not really sure. I think that the first big thing that I did was I changed my Facebook status. And I didn't really come out until college, so I guess all my college friends kind of knew, and then, I guess, I think my parents already knew. I don't ever, I didn't really ever have that conversation with my parents. Where it was just kind of like "I'm gay," it was kind of one of those things. If you ask my mom she'll say that she knew ever since I was about eight years old, just because, [inaudible] practically riding rainbows through this entire town. So, yeah. [Mady] So,

while you were growing up you never felt any pressure about coming out or do you ever have any worries about coming out to your family? [Joseph] Surprisingly not with my family. My family is pretty liberal, and they're really accepting and they're really awesome. But, it was mainly the community that really prevented me from coming out, I think. [Mady] So, that's great that your family was so supportive, and wonderful about, you know, your coming out. But, what did it feel, like as far as the community goes? [Joseph] Well, I think it was, I remember it was really awful. I don't feel like I was honestly myself for about the first eighteen years of my life or so. So I don't remember ever, like, being able to really say what I want to say or really act like I wanted to act. I really just felt like, I guess I didn't really know who I was, because I was never able to be myself, but whoever that person was I felt like it was completely suppressed. [Mady] Did you ever feel any pressure not to come out because of your environment, not, obviously not, you know, your immediate family environment but,

your community environment. [Joseph] I think I definitely did. I think it was, it was kind of like I always had a secret, and I always had to carry that secret around with me. And it was almost like I couldn't even tell my best friends because I was terrified that I was going to lose them and that they were gonna hate me. And I kind of remember, I think, in high school, one guy did come out while we were still in high school, and I just remember how completely awful it was for him. I remember all the name calling, I remember he was talked about all the time, and it was just, kind of, a completely untouchable situation. And as right or wrong as it may have been at the time, I feel like that kind of like ingrained that in my brain and it's kind of like if you see someone get hit by a car, you also you don't jump into the road with them. So, it was really weird, but that still didn't stop people, I don't think, from teasing me pretty regularly. But it was actually the admitting that you were gay which was like the biggest sin. And it kind of opened the door to so many more things that were,

people thought were justified in their minds, so if you denied it you were relatively safe, but if you admitted, it if you actually admitted it, then it was like, you know, God help you. [Mady] How did you deal with that then? I mean, you mentioned the one boy who did come out and his experiences. Were you ever afraid that, you know, that exact same thing might happen to you if you were to come out? Or did you, did you feel any desire to come out, even, because of his experience? [Joseph] You know I actually do not feel, I don't know now that you mention it. I don't think I remember feeling any desire to come out when I was actually in high school. It was just very traumatizing. I mean, I'm sure if i were back there it wouldn't be as horrible as I remembered, I probably remember all of the worst things, but just looking at the situation and the things that he had to go through I was just I knew that I did not want to deal with that. And I knew that if I did admit that I was gay then it was just kind of, like, condemning myself to those last four years of high school being, like, complete hell.

[Mady] So how did you, how did you deal with that feeling then? [Joseph] You know, I think I just kind of, I pushed it aside and I was like, you know, people told me all my life that, you know, high school is so short, it's nothing compared to the rest of your life. So I just kind of held on to the hope that, you know, things would get better and, you know, maybe this would not be the best time for me to do this, based on the situation that I was in in my life. But that there was something better ahead. And I think that's what kept me going. [Mady] That's actually, that's something that a few of our guests, that we've had on the show before, I've mentioned about, you know, when is the right time to come out? [Joseph] Right, yeah. I don't think it's like, I never think that anyone should be forced to come out, and I kind of feel like you know when you're at that place in your life, and you know when it's right. [Mady] So, for you that time probably was not in high school when all this was happening, but when did you, when did you feel like it was a good time? [Joseph] It wasn't

until, it was about that year after high school, when I was in college, and I was in a completely different environment. I was in a place where people were, you know, I knew they wouldn't care, really care one way or another. I knew I was safe, like physically safe from people doing anything to me. And then, I always knew my family wouldn't have any problem with it, and so I just kind of decided, you know, it's about time I started being who I was. And I was tired of not really getting to be myself. [Mady] Right, so once, once you were out of this situation and you went away to college and you traveled a little bit, did that kind of give you any, you know, animosity toward your hometown or did you, did you feel like, you know, these new places, these new people were, were somehow more accepting, or, or did you still feel really connected to your, to your, to your roots? [Joseph] Well, I don't think I would, I ever feel any animosity to where I grew up. Just because I know that some of the people's hearts are in the right place, but perhaps they haven't been exposed to an

amount of, I don't wanna say culture because I'm sure some of them are really cultured, but I don't think they've been exposed to the same things that I have growing up as when they grew up. Maybe just the opportunities, I think that the subject of being gay is really big in the media right now, and I think that's making more people be okay with talking about it. 'Cause I remember being in school just ten years ago and someone said the word gay and you were like, "What are you talking about?" And now it's just kind of, it's still sort of that way in a small town, but I think it's getting a lot better. [Mady] So that's pretty much your outlook today, then, is that things seem to be improving a little bit? [Joseph] I would definitely say that things are improving. It's been coming up on six years since I graduated from high school, and I would definitely say that it's improving, but very slowly. [Mady] We're speaking with Joseph Birdsong

about growing up gay in a small town here on OutCasting, where you don't have to be queer to be here. You may also know Joseph as Disney Kid One on YouTube. Joe is a popular vlogger, writer, musician, and all around internet celebrity. He's also a former member of the activism channel Five Awesome Gays. When you did eventually graduate high school because everybody, everybody does, at least, hopefully everybody does, and you did move away from home what were some emotions? Was there a sense of relief? Was there a sense of still a little bit of fear? What was it like? [Joseph] I think it was, you know, I think it was kind of a mix of all those emotions. It was definitely, you know, I think that some people are either, you're the type of person who really loves high school and really fits in in that atmosphere or you're someone who is going to flourish outside of it. And so it was a huge sense of relief for me. But it was also kind of scary because I was like "Well I didn't really fit in in high school, what if I don't really fit in anywhere else?" But, you know, that did not turn out to be the case, I, you know, I feel like my life post high school has

been two billion times better than anything that's, that ever happened to me in high school. So, at the time it was definitely, I was definitely scared but I was still holding onto that little piece of hope that it had to be better than high school. [Mady] You mentioned when we talked earlier about coming out that there was not really a, like a grand coming out event or anything with your family, was anything like that apparent in college? You know did people, did people just kind of know, did you tell people? [Joseph] You know, it was just kind of kind of like in high school it was more something I probably denied. Like, if I were flat out asked in the hallway, you know, I would just deny it to, you know keep myself physically safe from harm. But in college it was just kind of like, I don't know, I just never even though about it being an issue. And so it was just kind of, I don't ever remember anyone particularly asking, you know, It was, you know, probably more things that I said, you know, if there was like a hot guy that walked by

I'd be like "Oh, he's really hot," or something like that and then, I don't know, it wasn't really a coming out, it was more of a I stopped denying it to people. And then I just became myself. And so, I don't know, I didn't allow it to take over my life in any sort of way, I just allowed it to naturally happen. And I just became that person. [Mady] Yeah, a lot of people feel like, you know, college is definitely the place to start being yourself. You know, you're away from your home. You're away from all of your old friends and family. Correct me if I'm wrong, you are a recent college graduate and you are in school currently? [Joseph] Right, I just recently graduated college, and now I am back for more. [Mady] [laughs] So do you feel like, and obviously this is gonna be specific to your school, but do you feel like today college kids are more generally excepting than, than high school kids would be? [Joseph] I think definitely. I think especially in

like even right now, I first went to college in Philadelphia and then it was, you know, such a huge difference from going to a high school in Arkansas to going to the college in Philly, but now I'm back in college in Arkansas, and even here it's just like night and day the attitudes of other people. And I think that's something, I think that's a change that everyone goes through when they graduate. Because I remember actually visiting Arkansas from Philly and I ran into a girl who I went to high school with. And she asked me what I was up to and, and I told her I was living in Philadelphia and I was living with my boyfriend, and I remember it just, it didn't phase her at all. Where, if we were still in high school, it would have been like an extremely shocking and crazy thing. So, I think that it's also that everyone kind of grows up a little bit. And they, even if, even if she did have a problem with it, I don't think she would now had, you know, she didn't say anything. So, I mean, for all I know she might've been, gone off and talked about me behind my back or something, but I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that it's

kind of like a growing up thing. We all kind of have grown up, and matured a little bit. Especially in that first year of college. You kind of learn what things are like in the real world. And how they're handled. [Mady] Back in Arkansas have you noticed a change in any attitudes towards homosexuality in the general community? Or do you think it is just selective to where you are right now? [Joseph] I think that, well right now I'm going to college only, it's still relatively close to my hometown. And I would say that it's definitely, regardless of that I'm in college and not in high school, I think that it's better regardless. And I think that's a big part due to all of the lgbt things that are kind of integrated into pop culture right now and the generation right now that's kind of running the town and running things grew up with all of those LGBT references. So, they're, they've grown up with it more than that previous generation. And I think that really just about every entertainment source has lgbt references, and especially as

much as I question her outfit decisions, Lady Gaga has had a really big impact on people's views of certain things. So I definitely think it's getting better, even in small towns. 'Cause in big cities you kind of assume that there is already a generally accepting system of a wide variety of beliefs. So I think when you start to see the change in small towns it's really fantastic because that's when you know that the change is actually occurring because it's, it's occurring somewhere other than a big city where, you know, things are already kind of accepted. [Mady] In the past few years even there's been a lot of advancements in technology and entertainment and we are seeing kind of an influx of, I guess the naturalization of LGBTQ lifestyles. I definitely think that has made it, made it easier, in regards to technology, and people being able to communicate more. Do you think that has made it

easier? [Joseph] Definitely. I think it's like the best thing in the world because, you know, when I was in high school we were all kind of, you know, we were all on the internet, we all watched tv and stuff. And there were shows like "Will and Grace," and, you know, lgbt subjects were touched upon in television and stuff, but now even more so like I don't think that you can watch a TV show without there being, like, a gay character. Or you can't, I mean there are TV shows with just gay characters now and it's just kind of like, it's becoming so integrated that people are starting to see a whole other perspective and how great it is in our society. And, I don't know, I think it's a really good thing. And especially on the internet. I think the internet's a great place to find other people like you. Not that high school kids should be going around on the internet looking for best friends or something, but you at least realize and you can watch videos on YouTube that, you know that there are people out there like you. Even if you live in a small town. [Mady] And that also includes your

channel on YouTube, which is Disney Kid One, did your growing up up in the environment that you did kind of shape your creativity? [Joseph] I think so, I think it was you know I felt like it was suppressed for so so long, I didn't get to do anything for the first eighteen years of my life or really even talk about it. And so now it's kind of like, this is my time to, you know, put myself out there and show myself to as many people as possible that, you know, this is who I am and maybe you're this way too and that's fantastic. And, you know, even if, you know, a lot of my viewers are straight people too, and it's kind of them seeing a totally different situation as well because I think, kind of whether we like it or not, people judge an entire community based on the interactions they have with maybe only one or two people in that community. So if someone with, you know, a really conservative belief system or a really conservative lifestyle sees someone who's

gay, and they see them being, you know, kind or considerate, or helpful, then it kind of triggers something in their mind to change themselves and to kind of see a whole new perspective. And so I think that, you know, we can't be representative one hundred percent of the time in our lives, but I think that it's good that people can see someone nice and then kind of see things from their perspective. [Mady] I'm Mady and we're talking with Joseph Birdsong, a popular vlogger, also known as Disney Kid One on YouTube. Joseph is also a musician. Let's listen to one of his songs: Hologram. [Hologram by Joseph Birdsong plays] [cont.]

[cont.] [cont.]

[cont.] [Mady] This is OutCasting. I'm Mady, and we're talking with Joseph Birdsong. So for someone right now, a kid, a teenager who is sitting at home you know watching Glee or watching one of your videos

and they are in a small town and they are going through some similar things that you went through. Do have any advice for them? [Joseph] Well, I would say that for future advice I would tell them to stay in school and to go to college. But for immediate advice I would tell them things get infinitely and infinitely better. Once they're kind of out of the present situation they're in. When high school's over. High school is such a tiny percent of our lives, and people, even the people in high school who have, you know, twisted viewpoints right now, or, you know, viewpoints you may think is twisted, they're gonna have different viewpoints when they leave too, So, in a way I think you really have to find it in yourself to let somethings go because it's also something that can turn you into a really bitter person, if you allow it to. And I also think my advice would be you gotta do what's best for you. A big part of me really regrets not being myself in high school or at least finding someone that I could talk to. So, I would definitely advise people to find someone that they can trust

or like a support hotline. I mean, all you have to do these days is go to Google and find a support hotline to call and someone will be there to listen. Probably my biggest advice though was that you're gonna be just fine. And as cliche it sounds, the situation you're in right now is going to make you a better person, it's gonna to make you stronger. Because it's also something that a lot of people don't get, and so in a way, you know, it's something to be really thankful for that you have this entirely different viewpoint and if you allow it to turn you into a more accepting and kind individual then that's a great thing. [Mady] What are some ways that we can make it better in our own towns and our own communities. [Joseph] I think that that also goes back to you just gotta, in some way or another, we're gonna be representative of whatever community we're a part of, so to make it kind of better for yourself you can be a good person and then people will kind of see you being that good person, and then it kind of makes it better for yourself and everyone else, too. So it's kind of like

not that I mean, you know, bad things happen to good people too, but, [Outro music] I think you can definitely begin to help to change things if you carry yourself, kind of, with respect and dignity and you just, kind of have a positive outlook on things. [Mady] We've been speaking with Joseph Birdsong about growing up gay in a small town here on OutCasting. You may also know Joseph as Disney Kid One on YouTube. Joe is a popular vlogger, writer, musician, and all around internet celebrity. He is also a former member of the activism channel Five Awesome Gays and you can find him at cupofjoeshow.com. Joe, thanks for joining us. [Joseph] Thank you very much for having me, I really loved it. [David] That's it for this edition of OutCasting, the Lower Hudson River Valley's only youth-run radio show dealing with LGBTQ struggles, triumphs, lifestyles, and favorite coming-out stories. Where you don't have to be queer to be here. If you are having trouble, whether it's at

home, at school, or just with yourself, call the Trevor Project lifeline at (866)488-7386 or visit them online at thetrevorproject.org. The Trevor Project is an organization dedicated to lgbt youth suicide prevention. Again, the number is (866)488-7386. Being different isn't a reason to hate or hurt yourself. OutCasting is a production of Westchester Public Radio, WDFH FM 90.3 Ossinning, New York, and on the net at WDFH.org. For more information on this program and a list of resources, including the Trevor Project suicide hotline, visit us at WDFH.org and click on OutCasting. I'm David, thanks for joining us.