Beginnings; 13; Amy Vanderbilt, Journalist

Nowledge begins with a question and a restless mind to follow where it leads. What we have learned about our world, our past, ourselves, we owe to the questioners. The search is never ending, always beginning. For each searcher must discover his quest for himself, and every search is a new beginning. How do you do? I'm your host, Ken Nardin. The most interesting thing about a man may well be the personal search which has come to supply the central excitement of his life. We

are meeting in these programs some distinguished encyclopedia contributors, men and women whose interests are very different, but who share a common enthusiasm for knowing more. Knowing more, for instance, about etiquettes. The French word etiquette is defined today as the rules of behavior observed in society. Originally, however, the word meant a label or tickets. Now this may suggest to us the accurate identification of something by its label. An etiquette is the label by which the social behavior of the individual is identified as being correct, being proper. The label may apply as readily to the orderly relationships observed between members of a business organization as it does to the formal ceremonies observed at court functions and the

like. Our guest today is one of America's leading authorities on etiquettes, Amy Vanderbilt. Now what does etiquette mean to you? For many of us whose names will probably never appear in the society of ages, the word still invites a question. We may wonder if there is any reason for us to be really concerned with etiquette, recalling that in the days when our uncompromising pioneer tradition began, it was more important to do what was necessary than what was nice. The average American then was suspicious of this new tea party word with the French sound etiquette. Even today the word often suggests a cartoon -like image of the proper way to extend the little finger at an afternoon tea party.

To many people then, this image of rigid snobbishness was, and probably to some still is, the reflection of a code developed for the select few. And yet to a growing number today, guidance in correct and poised social behavior has become a matter of genuine concern. Amy Vanderbilt is one who provides such guidance and who has done much to change that early image. Let's meet Miss Vanderbilt. Hello Miss Vanderbilt. Hello. I look forward to our half -hour together. What are you working on? Oh, Needle Point. What are my hobbies? Going to your telephone box. It's beautiful. Sure you'll have your home. I'm very domestic. To get to the beginning and to the point, I prefer the quote. Obviously you think differently. You believe that etiquette is not just for the special few. It's for all of us, but can you convince us that etiquette is for everyone and not for those that are just in the social register? Well, I'd like to try. You see, etiquette covers much more than social manners. It

includes such vital things as diplomatic and military protocol. Covers behavior in business and schools. And as you can imagine, every civilization has had a particular etiquette. It is when you think of it really so theology. Our matters today will be studied over 100 years from now, and perhaps many of the things that we do will seem rather ridiculous in the eyes of a future historian. In my library, I have many old etiquette books. One I have here was written in 1879, and it states that in Lapland, the native rub knows this as introduction. On the other hand, I travel very widely, and I have found in Lapland recently that they shake hands just as we do. Now, you might ask, where in the world of hand shaking comes from? Well, this goes back into dim antiquity. It means merely that the weapon hand, the right hand is free to give a greeting. It shows an openness to the body. So

you can see that that actually this fancy word in which many people are afraid is a very useful and insensible word and covers so many things that occur to every one of us in our everyday lives. I propose that it's useful. As many of us, I think feel that etiquette is only useful in a strictly formal situation to tell us how to act and what to do right. What are its benefits for the informal everyday life? Well, actually, it smooths our paths in every way in business, in family life, which makes the pleasant or at least tolerable. It's very important in schools, of course. You realize that even the domestic animals have really very rigid rules of etiquette. Did you ever watch a mother cat with her kittens? Yes. Did you ever think about the pecking order of chickens? You've

seen this? Now, many rules of etiquette have to do with safety. When you help a lady into her chair and hold the chair very carefully, you are protecting her from falling on the floor. You see? Now, etiquette actually makes us comfortable with ourselves and comfortable with other people. That's why it's so important. And each one of the arts has a special meaning? Of course. How long would you say that people have been writing books on etiquette or setting up these codes for social behavior? Well, naturally, I've given this a lot of thought and I suppose in the stone age someone must have been chiseling some of these rules on the walls. I'm a Bible reader and I find many things about good manners and courtesy in the Bible. One of the most important ones is the one about do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That's interesting. Have you any

others? Oh, yes. One of my very favorite passages in the Bible has to do really with manners and attitudes toward other people. I love the King James version of it, but I have here because it's in simple modern language, the one from the Dr. James Martha Bible, published by Harper. This is, as I said, in modern language, it's first Corinthians 131. Now, in the King James version, he speaks of Charity. But in this version, Charity becomes love. And we might say good manners. Love is very patient, very kind. I'm just reading private. Love knows no jealousy, love makes no parade, gives itself no airs, is never rude, never selfish, never irritated, never resentful. Love is never glad when others go wrong. Love is gladdened by goodness, always slow to expose,

always eager to believe the best, always hopeful, always patient. Love never disappears. Thus faith and hope and love last on these three. But the greatest of all is love. And he's loved as one of the essences of the spirit of the Vatican. Could see his love. Love for one's fellow man, consideration of other people. After full of this, who forms these codes of behavior? Actually, how are the new codes formed? Well, by our changing worries, by our changing economics, by history, by the people themselves who do things in different ways and different generations. A very striking example of that in our recent time is the matter of entertaining. Now, perhaps in your mother's time, your grandmother's time, entertaining, giving a company dinner meant weeks of preparation sometimes. Great, complicated menus. Many courses. Today,

more than 60 % of the married women go to work. They haven't time to do this. They haven't time for this elaborate preparation. They think in terms of two or three courses. They think in terms of spontaneous little parties, quick gatherings, none of this kind of formality is possible today. And, of course, there are very few servants available for formal kinds of entertaining. Now, the going to work of so many women made another change that you may be conscious of. If you think about it, how often do you see deep mourning on the street? You don't. Because it's not suitable for a woman to go into her office in morning to inflict her own sorrow upon her fellow workers. It isn't wide. Then the shortened skirts of today have come about, also, because women just couldn't trail all these long garments into business offices. In regard to the short skirts is another interesting change, which has come about in the

matter of the last year. When the small taxi cabs were introduced into the overpopulated cities, which were having traffic problems previously, you used to stand back and made a lady go first into a taxi. Today, if you encounter one of those small taxi, you just could use for you to get in and then let her get in, so she doesn't have to hit yourself along on this low seat in her short skirt. I think your first book of etiquette established you, of course, as a popular authority. In what way is your book on etiquette? Your book is actually on etiquette. What way do they differ from others? Well, my main book, the one that you are particularly talking about, attacks, let's say, etiquette, in a relaxed, informal manner. It treats with things as they actually are today. I think I'd better show it to you, perhaps. complete book is etiquette. It's not about complete book of etiquette. Of course,

everyone knows. Now, in some of my old etiquette books, we have amazing chapters, titles. One, I like particularly, says that it's important to take a bath more than once a year. What's a year? Things of this kind. My book deals with things that it has to do with us in an hour time. I write about manners and marriage, about the agreeable husband, and about how a husband can lend a hand around the house. I speak particularly of business entertaining, very important in our time. I have a section on what to do about annoying habits, even about overweight and underweight and the social problems that these two things can do. So this has an appeal for not only women, generally, think of etiquette as something that women are primarily concerned with. Women, women are for men too.

Men very much so. As a matter of fact, many big businesses have approached me and asked me if I could conduct seminars for their business people, particularly men, because a young executive moving up need to know these things in order to advance. In a search for the beginnings of your beginning in this interest in etiquettes and in journalism, I imagine your family background had great influence. Yes, this reminds me of a very brass young teenage girl who said to me one day, what makes you an etiquette authority? And I said, perhaps because it would never occur to me to ask such a question. Yes, naturally, good manners were very much a part of my own childhood to a different degree than they are in my own family. It's pleasant. My family was very rigid in its teaching of good manners, very rigid

indeed. Perhaps out of the experiences that I had was this kind of punitive teaching. What did they do particularly? Well, for instance, if I were at the family dinner table and I forgot for a minute and put my elbow on the table, I wasn't kindly reminded to take my elbow off the table, but I was sharply wrapped with the handle of a knife. This was a painful way to teach. I believe that out of all experiences, good and bad, we get something valuable. And perhaps this was very important in my development, because it did teach me that to project the idea of good manners, one must be manally and kind as a parent oneself, that actually children are not taught manners in the usual sense. They catch them. They have taught them. They catch them. Many of us have unhappy memories of keeping, you know, elbows on the table, that sort of thing. You have described now yourself in the

self -description as two things. I would say an interest in etiquette and an interest in journalism. Tell us about the aspect of journalism. When did you develop the interest in writing and begin to write? Well, the etiquette part was an overlay, let us say. I was, I think, a born writer. I really believe that writers are born. I began to read at the age of five. I find that many of my writer friends also were early readers. I taught myself to type at the age of nine. I wrote my first little story. I used to read the newspapers and I used to read the Thornton Burgess animal stories, which I loved and which taught me a lot about nature. Yes, I believe it still runs. And I had the naive, childish idea that these stories were all written by different people. So I contributed one, two, and I got my first writer's rejection slip. Did he keep it? No, of course not. And I've never kept a rejection slip because I thought this was a negative kind of thing to

discourage me. Many writers hold on to their failures and try to rework material that has been rejected. I think it's better to put one thing just behind one and to go on. Were there any particular writers that influenced you with this? Well, I should have said that I was actually brought up in a writing and publishing community. My parents were key totally. And so when they married, they moved into a section of that novel, which at that time was known as Prohibition Park. Evidently, the idea of Prohibition attracted many other creative people. So I was surrounded by publishers and writers. Edwin Markham, for example, the great poet was one of our neighbors and family friends. His wife was president of the Poetry Society of America. And she was most kind and helpful to me when I was a child trying to write poetry. She helped me so much. You're, to go back to the etiquette momentarily and to your beginnings. You're approached to etiquette a few to so many people. And yet

from your family background and your private schooling, I wonder how you came about to come and touch. What a comfortable your popularity in this field. Well, partly the fact that I was a lonely child and I was a child who was made to bleed because of my family background that there was a necessity for no bliss or bleed. I was not happy. And I think when people are not happy, they are sensitive to other people happy and unhappy. They are perhaps more conscious of them. Also as an early reader, when I got into the first grade which was in public school because there were no private schools near us, I found myself with children who were first generation Americans of Italian origin who were having trouble with reading. So my teacher put me into an empty room with these children and said teach them to read. So that right from the beginning, I was placed in a

position where I had an opportunity to know and understand the problems of people who had a different background from myself. I see, again, you did have a relationship in the public school set up as well as private schools. Yes, actually my parents thoroughly believed that public school start was very good for me. They were a very democratic people and they knew that later I would be going to private schools. I brought my own children up the same way. My little ones go to public school until the age of 14 and then they go to private schools. And so all these early influences come together in your beginnings. I'd like to know when you actually did start your career in the field of education. Well, I've had many years, successful years in related fields to writing. I had been 15 years as president of my own public relationship. Oh, you're different in the etiquette field. No, I was an editor and then my writing was always as an avocation rather than a vocation, my writing firm magazine. So my publisher Double Day

did a long and extensive survey for some two years to find out whether or not a modern book of etiquette was really needed if it had a market and they decided it definitely did. Then they tried to find the right person. They wanted first a writer. They wanted someone who could really write it yourself. They wanted someone with a necessary social background. They wanted someone with a business background. They wanted someone young enough and experienced enough and the kind of thing that we're doing now to be able to continue to be a public figure for some 30 years. And they came to me and I must say that I was alarmed as this whole conception and I'm afraid that I had the kind of idea of etiquettes that you projected when you first introduced the program. I didn't want to be a disagreeable woman who everybody feared was completely contrary to my own personality. How long did it take you to work out? That's the sixth look. It takes some time. It's the biggest book of etiquettes that ever has been written.

It's over 700 pages and it weighs five pounds. How long did it take? Double day and I both thought that I could do it in two years. I took a leave of absence for my friends for two years and it ended up that I took five years and produced two more children. And it was a very difficult job because I had always worked with a secretary. I had worked under control office conditions and here I was on my own in a little house which I built for the process in the woods, writing in a lonely way every day from 10 to 12 actually where my babies were little. And then later I had to extend the time. It was a lonely and difficult job. And the discipline required to, in the research, I imagine the reading. An enormous research. I wrote in the areas in which I felt comfortable first about children and about the home and about business because I had many, many years of business experience. And then I

began to get in my offline into the areas where I felt relatively ignorant. The matter of heraldry which is a very technical subject and frankly not one that interests me too much. And then I had to branch out and find experts in those particular fields who would read my material and correct it. And they were very wonderful. And I think I have some 101 credits in here of people who helped me, including Mrs. Rozo, who helped me on the chapter on the White House. And so in this involvement, this five years you found that in your search and the beginnings that we're now beginning to come together, a growing relatedness to many people. That's right. And a warm relatedness. In the development now of your book, Editor meets other people and you see it's effect. Are you going to bother by the fact that some people still block or close their minds at the minute

they hear the word etiquette? Yes, and the minute they hear that they're going to meet me, some of them freeze up. And I first, when they see me, they see, I hope, a warm, interested human being. I hope so. Then when they talk to me about the idea of an etiquette book, I say, would you be embarrassed to consult a dictionary? After all, there is a relation. This is not a book that you read all the way through, like a book, a fiction. But when you want to know something, you look up what you need to know. How is it? In other words, you have subheadings for all of the different areas. Yeah, that's true. It's amazing. It's amazing to very much. Then I say, I have to consult it myself. I cannot. I have all kinds of religions. The wedding ceremonies, of various major religions in the United States, are described. Well, naturally, it's not easy for me to remember all the details of the weddings, for example, in religions other than my own. So I must, from time to time, of frequently consult my own book in writing my indicated column. Then something very difficult for me and difficult for many

other people. It's a matter of proper forms of address. Now, you know, people must have their names correctly given and their titles and their salutations. So I find that I must consult it myself. I'm not off hand. I may not necessarily remember exactly how to begin a letter to a vision without looking it up. The protocol of addressing. And the American embassies abroad used the book partly for that reason. Now that you are a full -time authority and so much as the work in your beginnings has established this for you, how do you search out new ideas to report? Well, this is very interesting and this is where my journalistic career has stood me in great stead. I read all kinds of things. I read constantly. I have little patience with people who say they have no time to read. I have found times to read. I read financial publications. I read The Wall Street Journal. I get the information out of this that relates to my field. I read books of fiction,

modern and older books of fiction. I go to theatre. I go to the opera. I travel very widely and I see what social problems arise for which people definitely have to have answers. And to which they seriously turn to me for the answer. And are your plans now to go and travel more to go around the world? Well, I've done rather well so far. I'm going now to Holland and again to Ireland and I spent the summer in Lapland, Sweden, Norway, Germany and Belgium. And I take my children with me and place them in the same situation because so many Americans are traveling with their children and they ask me questions about travel etiquette and to far as children are concerned. Which is indeed important to many times. This is because we don't have the people who don't believe that children we must take them or not go. It makes it so much easier if you know what to do. Earlier, you emphasized a point that he's well taken,

that a knowledge of what constitutes good manners makes us comfortable. Not only with ourselves, but with other people. How important to be comfortable. Do you think that the growing acceptance of etiquette springs from the fact that we live in in times of varying or from extreme intentions? Where many people find it difficult to be comfortable. That's right. And our population is flowing and changing and moving. I think I'd like to quote my own book, if you don't mind. This is part of the introduction and it's been very widely spoken. I believe that knowledge of the rules of living in our society makes us more comfortable, even though our particular circumstances may permit us to rely them somewhat. Some of the rudest and most objectionable people I have ever known has been technically the most threat. Some of the warmest, most lovable have had little more than an innate feeling of what is right toward others.

But at the same time, they've had the intelligence to inform themselves as necessary on the rules of social intercourse as related to their own experiences. Only a great fool or a great genius is likely to flout all social grays within punitive, and neither one in doing so makes the most comfortable companion. The family is indeed in a pleasure to spend this time with you and I hope we can do it again sometime. I hope so. Thank you. Amy Vanderbilt lives and works in a remodeled old barn in western Connecticut. This lovely unhurried place may well symbolize the quiet fulfillment and peace for which so many of us are searching. Ms. Vanderbilt calls her home Daisy Field, a number wall of her office at Daisy Field hangs a motto which gives us still further evidence of the values

in her work. This Latin inscription, a favorite of Pope John 23rd, translates like this, to see everything, to overlook much, to correct a little. This crater establishes for etiquette its most lasting value. For in this complex world, life is not usually easy for most of us. etiquette helps to make it just a little easier. This is the life work of a woman who has been our guest today in Cyclopedia contributor and etiquette authority, Amy Vanderbilt. This

is National Educational Television. you