Tigers

Tigers date August 19th 1970 a Maryland Center for Public Broadcasting special. Hello.

You're out there. That's just what I was say. Didn't expect to find you on so early. No I don't suppose you did. Then you go to them. You said why but I left. Oh what a cold day. And getting quite chilly lately. What are you doing back so early. You're not going back. What made you leave. Something happened. Something came over me quite suddenly so I left. What was it. Thoughts mostly thoughts about things and how everything is in and this feeling came over me so I left and I'm not going back either. No. I mean it's. Oh that's good. That's a good decision. I'm proud of you. And if you really want to know the truth I don't know. You stuck it out as long as you have done. Oh it's been better than loneliness. What I said has been better than loneliness what loneliness up here.

You mean up here you haven't been lonely haven't I. I haven't left you alone. That's not the sort of loneliness I'm talking about. And I'd like to know what you want to hear about them. The sort I've had when you are here. There that's it exactly. That's what is what I mean. That silence. That's exactly what I mean. That's what it's been like most of the time we haven't had much of a chance to say anything. No we haven't have we. No not with you down there off to after week after week. That's why I've been down there day after day. I don't that's why. I mean I'm going to be lonely if there's going to be loneliness and silence between us I'd rather have a home down there. I mean if I'm going to say anything and if you are not going to say anything I'd rather sit down next to his headstone than up here day after day.

How long have you been back there. About an hour. Why why do you ask. I was just wondering about something but if you've been back for an hour it doesn't matter. What is it. Nothing really. Oh come on. Nothing is just a man. What man. Just a man sitting in a car downstairs outside the front door. But I don't suppose it would have been sitting there an hour ago so it's not him. And he was I was I guess he was I was so you saw him there. Yes. Now that you mention it I did yes. Do you know him. Why do you ask. I don't know. I just asked if you knew him. What makes you think I know him. I didn't say I thought I knew him. I just asked if you did. Why. Well it's just that there was something familiar about him. Oh I wasn't as familiar in what way. I don't know. I didn't look very odd. Just a glance but there was something familiar about him. Perhaps it was just his

Hey he's here. What about it. Well you must have seen it if you saw him. I saw him all right. Well he's a redhead. Yes that's right. Well he looked familiar to me. Because of his hair. Well there's something about them something about redheads. What I've done now probably perhaps it's just that one redhead reminds you of another or something. Perhaps it's just that scene one redhead suddenly reminds you of all the red is evil. It was something else. Yes. Perhaps that you it of those Rangers shoes and stockings. No I haven't. I know why the sudden change I've decided I'm not going to wear anything black anymore. Well that's another good decision. I just the thought of that. Yes. You decided quite a lot today didn't you. Mrs. Yes. Quite a lot. I just I saw everything clearly the first

time. What actually happened. I've told you now you haven't. I've told you all I want to tell you. The funny thing is I was thinking about things myself today. What things. Things things. One thing I was thinking about that night you went to slushing slushing along with Ryan Burns that. Now that not went splashing along through those wine bottles together and that drunk policeman came up. That was ages ago. Yes I know. But I was just thinking about it anyway. I was just thinking about that and how it used to be. That's what I was thinking. I used to be thinking about that and how it was still to me with this as well. I used to be when I used to go out together. Not that Tommy took him to the

playground. I did enjoy that. I enjoyed that just sitting there watching those children on the swings and things. We had some lovely times together didn't we. Yes there's a like does not spend those nights we had to get that off got that way. That's what I was thinking. I hope stashing along with us. But up and down you look with all those raindrops in your face. Well that's all over and done with isn't it. Water under the bridge. I was just thinking about that so laughing about placement. He wasn't so funny. He had his arm you. He did. He did. You know I was all pregnant. Still that is all. Well I didn't notice.

All I did there. That's nice. That smile smile. You're smiling. I was not. You were you. Well maybe I was but I didn't see the letter. It's a good thing I went back that much after them. It's a good thing I went back like I did because your type tell me that no one thought she was going to do that. So I went straight back you see because I knew she was going to do what she did. I knew she'd do it wrong. She still has that taste in there and then while she still had it know that's when I went back. And it turned out to be a good thing. Did you want to hear

about it. I was going to tell you about it before but things are sort of right. Really. Well not to talk about it to Jenny right. Do you want to hear about it. MRS. Not really mom. She attacked me. Were they your is that or not just what are expected to to do. Fell right into my trap. What trap set a trap for in the silence in that silence after I made the announcement about the big birds. Yes well I've turn my back on it. That was a bit stupid wasn't it. Now I told you that was part of my trap. That was the trap you see turning my back on her in the science lab that

I did it in the silence and could concentrate better I just made an announcement and wait for the sourness to settle the way it does. And just like on being careless or something I turn my back on. And she came slinking down slinking down the way she slings off a podium and you knew that your back turned Yes. How I ended up on of that I guess I can sort of hear things not that I heard a slinking down and she started off. Started off with the back of my neck like I thought she would. What did you do turning catcher on right now. Not right away. I didn't answer right away.

I wanted to give her a split second decided to get into a full sprint to give her enough rope to hang herself. I wanted her to think she'd already got me into Jaws like. So I kept my back to her a split second. So we took a bit of a chance but I turned and cracked two and stopped stand dead. Sounds like sheer luck sheer luck. I said now and I mean no there was no luck about it. I turned practice like I used to. And crack flies in all. Yes you cracked fly that never tell you about that. You've told me some stories in your life didn't never tell you. My father taught me to cut fly. No. Didn't I tell you I did that beyond the caravans. No you never told me anything like that. What he did is to got him the bills will be on the caravans and Gil was just used to stand there in the sunshine and wait for them to come zipping along the way they do. It was in there. Ever seen a bus fly goes over the top of the gorge with his wings rushing over in the sun.

Never seen that misses. Yes I've seen that. Well my father used to cut it like that with the results and the thoughts fly right now anywhere from 10 to 15 even 20 feet one crack. You know. He taught me how don't we do that from the age of eight. We went on to be Dye's daunting when I was 8 years old. And by the time I was 18 I hadn't missed a frost blind six years. I can still do it to this day. I never miss and I'm likely to want. I suppose you find it hard to believe. Well I'll tell you something Mrs..

I could cut the Aero fuel rate from here to there. I could you know I could cut the hero fuel right from here to there and you wouldn't even feel it. Could you sit down. Are you frightened. Sit down. Do you know what you used to say. My father. Used to say you had to have the know how of cracking the whip used to say. It wasn't just a crack. It was all in the know what to crack and when. That's exactly what I did to a. I used all the now on you guys throw enough rope to hang yourself then turned and cracked right across the rise not just the air above it not just that the air as I always do with it not with them. I actually cracked

across both high walls cracked. It was the first time I did it or do you know something she didn't expect that she didn't know what to do. I haven't had very much trouble from a sense as a matter of fact. Not that she stole it. Not that she ever stopped Monty mired in the jaws that she's just a little more careful now. Just that little bit more careful I don't I wish you could be pregnant just once. I wish you and all the men in this world could be pregnant just once. I wish you knew and I wish he'd been inside you for nine months. I just wish you could view what it's like to

feel that little thing growing in you and to know what it's like to bring that out into this world. I wish you felt all that inside you know the pain not the pain of giving birth but the pain. I've seen that little light like that beautiful thing from the insides of you destroyed us. Not with my eyes not with a mother's eyes. You saw him with your eyes. I'm talking about me and what I felt. I'm talking about my pain and my feelings and how I felt that night. I want to do here. You are with me.

I want to do here holding my hand or something. I don't cry my dear don't even know what to do. My view is that what I want to do is how do know what to do. You know I really hate the fact that you chose to love that your thinking is. All I had. I had to go back. I didn't choose I didn't choose I was going to toys my dad because I hadn't gone back there and then the work that I if I hadn't gone back and gone out like that like I did I would never have and I. Guess I know you're done. Well this is why I say you know you don't know that. Just as much as I don't know what it's like to have a room for one pregnancy. You don't know what it's like to be locked in with a dozen managers just as much as you felt what you were feeling or felt would always be going on. We don't know what each other was feeling. Not as much as I don't know what you were feeling. I'm not I don't mean I don't but one pregnancy you'd only know what I was feeling a little bit more about tigers.

I want to know what I think about that out three things. I'm not his eyes. I've been wondering about that about what about that you're locking that door. Since when have we had secrets like looking for is and not telling about attacks. That's what I'd like to know. Since when have we had secrets. What are you getting at. Whatever I'm getting at. I'm not going to bother to get out any moment. If you want to tell me you would if you don't you've got a secret that's your choice. I've been keeping it locked for your side. I didn't want you to see

it. What my jacket what jacket. The one I used to wear the one you were wearing when she got him. Yes that one. Yes. You said you'd never touch that jacket again. Oh no. You said you were going to get rid of it. Yes. You said you were going to throw it away and that you never wanted didn't you again. Yes I know I did but I haven't done with it. You're done. With it. Those buttons and braids. I've got to cut them off. What for do I have the time to put them onto my new job under the new one I worked for. Because that's family stuff. Those buttons and brides have been in my family for generations. My grandfather wore them and his father before him as far as I know my father was. He was on the very end of the down to me. My father gave me those he gave me them to keep and when he gave them with pride I can't throw them away

just throw them away or other junk food away but not that because I was a sort of heritage. That's exactly what my own heritage. Well I don't want that jacket in this house. I to bring it back to cut them off. Well I don't want it near me. That's why I kept the drawer. And that's why I've kept it lot. I suppose it's all stained isn't it. I had it dry cleaned. Oh. Did it all come out. No it's still stained. But it doesn't look like anything just doesn't look like I wanted to bring it out. I thought you didn't want to see it right

now. See it doesn't it doesn't look like it. No it looks more like a brown paint stain doesn't it. And some I suppose it does. I really don't. Why. I don't know why I just want you to put it on. That's what you don't. Do it up all the way

up the way you do when you when you work to get through. I didn't know it was ripped. It wasn't before. How did it get ripped. What time did you do that. Yes. Did she win when she got him between us when she caught it you like that. Yes. When to me Ron. Yes. You mean she actually got you just the jacket. I didn't know she actually touched you. I was looking a little deeper and there's no telling what might have happened. Also Amanda some down. What are you doing. I want to touch it. What for. I don't know. I just want to touch it that's all. I don't see what

it doesn't feel like anything it's got no feel to it it's all being dragged down. I want to touch it anyway. You know I'll stay right out. It doesn't feel like anything. Now I told you that. It doesn't feel like anything at all. Wait. I'm off. It doesn't feel like any. Now look we're going to cry

cry. I was just thinking what a lovely kid he was. That's funny you should say that. That's just what I was thinking. Where were you. I was thinking the very same thing. What a lovely kid he was. He was wasn't he a lovely kid. Yes loving and lovely kid. He loved you so much Mrs.. I've never seen a kid love anyone or show so much love as he showed you. He did didn't he. Yes. And you know he was so proud of you you know proud as punch. You should have seen him when he saw you. You should have seen the way he set up when you came striding into that cage. You should have seen the way he

set up watching you. I wish I had. And when you put that one through the whole shebang whatever its name is you should have seen it. You should have seen the way the woman next to you but the woman next to him with his elbow like this like he was being very confidential. He did and he did he bump like this and said That's my daddy. He didn't. He did you know he was so proud of you. What a lovely kid he was he was so happy sitting there watching you. He loved watching you. He loved watching everything you did. That's why we sat in the front row. We sat there so he could see you better. Nothing wrong with that. I wish I hadn't though. I

wish we'd set up in the stands. It had nothing to do with where you were sitting. Yes but it might not have happened if we'd been sitting up in the stands. Now you're not to think that it had nothing at all to do with where you were sitting. It was just a horrible accident and that's all. But I can't help thinking that sometimes I can't help thinking that it might not have happened. I'd set him up in the stands and set it right up on top of that cage. I said it had nothing to do with that. It was just a horrible accident. And that's all we might have been safer in the stands. A horrible accident. But he did so loved to watch you. You didn't see his face did you. I never took out the courage when I'm working. No. Not then. I mean when it happened

I don't think you should think about that anymore. You couldn't see his face then could you. You're only going to upset yourself. You couldn't see his face could you. I mean before you were standing you couldn't see his face could you. When she got him I'm talking about when she got to him. You were standing behind him when she actually got him where she lived most of the time. You are behind him. Well she did not run around. She didn't. What I'm saying is you want and you got me. Why are you not why didn't you say yes twice now. I wish you had. Well I didn't say I was going. Don't go on try. What is the point I want you to I want to make you imagine me I want you to imagine. Tell me why. Because I want you to. That's why I want you to me me me.

I want you to I want you to imagine your Him and think back to how things seem to be when you were four years old. How things around you looked then how much bigger everything seen objects colors people things noises smells. Think those things as though you are his age. Imagine all that and put yourself in his place standing there the way he stood seeing me the way he must have seen me struggling to go away from those Ascher's and hearing and feeling everything going on around him the way he must have put yourself right there in the pandemonium. Can you feel it. Can you feel like he must have.

Can you feel the pandemonium going on around you now feel the silence the silence in a haze suddenly in front of you not as you see her but as he must. Twice as big as you see her. Imagine a tape padding up on you twice as big as you imagine or twice as big and padding up on you. That's how it was for him. Imagine it. Imagine the smell. Imagine the size of her teeth and she's And suddenly the whole world is silent no one's moving. And she's standing almost on top of you. And now she's not that quiet little snarl. She's. Tell me

how do you feel frightened. Yes I suppose I have. Yes. He wasn't he wasn't frightened. I know he wasn't because I could see his face. He wasn't at all frightened not then in the end he was but not then he wasn't then and I know why. Because of you he wasn't frightened because you were right there behind him. I know that I know what was in his head. I could almost see how his little mind was working. I could almost see his thoughts through his eyes and his face and he wasn't frightened because you were right there. Do you know what I think he was thinking that it was sort of a trick as if the whole thing was like one of those difficult tricks you do like when you have all those tigers

mill about on top of you you know when your life flatmate's on us and you get up to mill about and walk all over you. If I understood that he was thinking it wasn't a trick like that just another trick and that everything would be all right as soon as you said that magic word you had to say was one word and she'd go away like you do when they're all milling about on top of you. You just say that one word and they all go back to their podiums. Well that's how he looked to me. And just as though he was waiting for you to say that one word. That's why he didn't run that's why he didn't do anything until that scream. He did not scream. He did right at the end. He did not right there at the end. Right. You struck out at him his little face twitched up in fear and he opened his mouth and screamed. I seen his face twisting up with his mouth open. But my son did not scream I just heard him scream. I heard him scream right then. Right at the end that you represent a rolled out there was. This guy.

Well I heard it I heard it quite clearly. I can still hear it all over and done with. Now isn't that a dream that I dreamed about that the other night I dreamed it quite clearly. I heard that scream is anything. I was having. I was having this dream. We can make it or not we can blink and not say ending up in a wooden shoe. I was dreaming about it. About seeing me go up among the stars but they have the most stories about space and stuff. Well I was dreaming I was up there right out in the storm and I saw everything the way it was all those thing you know those big whirls of stars you know them what are they called

galaxies. Yes I think so. So big world things like that and millions of stars and I dreamed I even knew what it all was all space and eternity and everything and through it all there was a scream that just went on echoing echoing through space. I heard it so clearly I heard it. I said I actually saw the cover you know like it's supposed to have all those colors. When I saw the color of that screen my dream it was quick.

I didn't so it was quick yes. Death was instantaneous. My father died in the ring. I was holding him when he died. Yes you told me you told me what he said his last words. It's right it's right we can never live apart. That's it. That's what he said. I remember you told me that I did not tell you why he said he was talking about your mother wasn't he. Yes that's right. She died the same day the same time your mother died that day and he died in a cage that night. No that's not it. You never finished telling me she didn't die that day and that night.

That's not what it was. What was it about Doc. At the same time just just about the same time. I didn't know I was with her when she died. I was in the caravan holding her hand. She was in a coma. I was just sitting there in the caravan holding her around waiting for the doctor with her father. My dad he was in the tent with his cats and I was in the caravan with my mother just holding her and that's all I could do. I just held her hand. There was nothing else I could do. Just told her around just sitting there holding her and watching her in the lamp light and

listening to the ground. I could hear the crowd in the tent. The caravan was very near to the tent and I could hear everything I could hear the ground doing and dying the way I did during my father's act and that's what I was doing just sitting there holding around listening to the crowd waiting for the doctor to come and she died. This spasm is a sort of spasm. She sort of caught her breath and shivered like she was dead.

It was quick as anything. Not that I actually felt her pulse stop. I swear I felt a pulse and that's when that happened the attack. That's when that line of his got to just stop. There was this horrible car from the ground and I ran like hell. So you didn't actually see the line get in. No no I never saw that. I just left my mother there when I heard that horrible cry. And I ran like hell and there he was lying on his face and the sawdust covered in blood.

That's when you held it. Yes. That's when I took him. I rolled him over in my arms and held him right minds and said it's right it's wrong. We could never do the. I didn't know it was like that. Never finished telling me before. Well it was that's just it wasn't. That's what's so uncanny about it. I didn't tell him you say. I didn't say anything. I didn't say mom's dead or anything. And I just wrote him out. And he said it first said it's right it's right we could never live apart

just like that. How did he know you didn't tell him. I don't know to this day. I don't know. But he knew he knew Mrs. he just knew she'd left his life. But it doesn't make sense. No it doesn't does it. No. Sort of like me in a way. Oh I know when something is going on be on my back. Like when I take him down beyond what you say you heard yes. No I did but I didn't actually hear it with me. I can feel things just like he did what things just going on with your Tigers.

Yes with all my talk is that how you do will stay alive that's all. What's the other half being one jump ahead. Oh and how do you do that by thinking like a dog like you trying to make me imagine I was to me John like myself imagine I'm a tiger. I know what it's like to be a tiger. What what like watch very watchable. Just like they are in the fore of the jungle and that's how they are in the jungle for that very watchable.

Back when they're on like when they're off to something in a jungle village. They don't just go blundering in. Not Tigers. They get up in a good position usually on a field above the village and they live there in the voyage watching from sunrise to sunset day off to die. Sometimes they even watch for weeks on end and they lie there watching them. Do we know a single movement of every single living thing in that village. Be it man woman child dog can't think of anything you want he watches until he knows every move.

Not just the movements of what he's hunting but the movements of everything around it so that when he goes in for the kill you'll have as little trouble as possible. That's why I never know that talk is made to kill him in a jungle village until long after he's been and done it and gone. Oh yes he's strong in science. You see a tiger strikes in science. That's why they never know something's happened until it's happened. I don't know until they find something missing that they find something missing in a jump. Well that's why I keep watchful. It goes to be one jump ahead

of time again. You have to love one. That's why I'm like here and that's why I go along. I. You know when I go in the cage and when I'm working out on the moon colony up there and you go. Roger I read and read and call every other night. You know what. What is it. No nothing. What is it when you turn just when you were turning like that. Well what I said is that there was this quick little shine we saw was that was that just as you were turning those rides and things they were shining like this. No you're not there. No it's not doing it now. Well it's the launch that was not enough launch and it actually was just and a bit of launch something larger than a lot so I can tell you.

Yes I remember I don't think about that anymore. I wasn't thinking about that. Actually I was thinking about the first time I saw you. Where are you. What were you thinking about just that. That shining business just the way you came shining into that ring those buttons and braid shining and sparkling like a fiery sort of thing strutting about the way you try about out among those tigers run pop pop from the music and you really are cracking up and down this way and your eyes flashing from one place to the next and your head

held the way you walk so straight everything you're up in that case I don't think I'll ever forget what I felt about you then what you were. You looked like. The feeling I got from what you look like what did on the floor. Well I've never really tried to put it in words before but you look sort of indestructible. That's it. That's exactly what you looked like indestructible the door really. I wasn't even afraid of you Tigers. The first time I saw you when those cats I didn't feel anything about the act. I didn't feel I was very dramatic or anything like that. I didn't I didn't

think there was anything dramatic about it. And I know why. Because I wasn't frightened of you know tigers. Yeah. No. Why. Because they went to frightening things that next to you. They weren't the frightening thing you were you were frightening. That's why I wasn't ever afraid of them. I never used to be afraid of them. I never used to do. I think we should have another child.

As a matter of fact I think we should have a lot more. That's the whole thing about you know what you are not just the person you are but what you are as a woman to look at. Adam like I want to look at you. Everything about you misses everything. Your legs your arms your hands at your stomach your breasts your lips your eyes.

It was beautiful music. You are so very beautiful you are more beautiful now than you were before before when just in a when you were still on the job. That's why you did so well because of your looks. You're right that you could go back to the Japanese tomorrow. Yes I know what I like to know not a lot. Not very much I said a lot and I mean a lot. How would you know because you weren't a very good area that was. No you weren't. I've seen quite a few areas in my time. And you were so good. It was your looks I got you. You're a guy your looks. I'm not your ability.

You are so good. I was too. Not as good as your partner. Not half as good as that yours that red headed chap what was his name. I don't know. I've forgotten. Are you going to the pictures. I'll walk if you're like OK if you're going to go are you going to the local then. I don't know. Well I'll walk. You know don't wait for me. Don't go. Stay here with me.

Just and tell them you're not a country that you know. Just one night. No I said no and I mean to go. I'll tell you what we'll out and got some dinner. We'll go and have some dinner somewhere nice. Got a nice bottle of wine and some dinner somewhere nice. Shall we. Come with me and wait and watch the act. No. Well I'll come back and pick you up and

we will you be. Yeah. All right. The local. I don't know yet. What if you don't go out. Do me a favor. Cut those buttons some brides for me. Why are you looking at me like that. I was just thinking about my father again about what he said about what like what he said about a lot. He said it was like a tiger but it was like a tiger and now you can let it jump jumping on you and more you could get a jump in. Yeah.

Well you could do something with it. You could time it. It could lead to more. Or you could time it. What's so funny. What do you say about timing. You said it take a lot of training but it would be well worth it in the end what it really is. Did he happen to say. Yes because he said it's the biggest bloody talker of the lot.

That's why I love you Mrs.. Rerecorded.

At the studios of the Maryland Center for Public Broadcasting. In