Joan Robinson: One Woman's Story

Two weeks later I was back in the hospital with a heart shoot out with you. Well Friday I got chills. I was shivering and shaking so I thought I'd take my temperature was 101 so I thought I had a kidney that because I thought that was reached. Looking around I lustful. Now. You came today. Yes. Yes OK. I know which reality that as well. But it went away the same day. I also have a lot. My breast which are short

for They're still just one dash. Machine There you see. Except for the station. And I'm going to come by again in the Morning Joe. Look at some orchestras I haven't seen your church the tree things that show you what the thing is that you seem to be getting better. Oh I think I feel that.

Can I be really hurt. Thank you. OK. Well let's see how many friends have. Let's air group that right. Right. You mean you want to arrest everybody. Thanksgiving morning I had breakfast pattern had tea. Two of my closest

friends coming through here is two bags into which excretes glass. Now how is it possible to be sexually attracted to such a person. Let me say that as far as I'm concerned first of all this is not a major problem. Joan naturally tends to suggest that we have all sects like them we have I mean I suppose it's part of the defensive mechanism to say well you know it's not so long ago and so forth that kind of thing but I know damn well I mean you know if I would like know as well and put a little asterisk in my diary not a little asterisk in my diary would want to be three months right. Of course there was a time to begin with when we first started and I thought how am I going to react to it.

I mean am I going to be put all you know trying to be of a something. For example I've never seen a colostomy. You know what is it what is this. I also did have a fear of hurting hurting you know like well you know you want to but I think that was less because she told me something about bedded up. But I thought naturally I thought to myself who wouldn't themselves have never encountered such a situation. How will I react. Will Iraq be repulsed. And I can say that I wasn't. Now I think it is true to say that the problem was great of a job because of the need to feel a self desirable right and is a very studious baith the studious always beats me how fresh and sweet guy who always

opinions. Oh I just want to christen him home Porton. You know what like I'm afraid I know and remember I feel very guilty of this too. Guilty you know that when I have to say if I am honest as I can possibly be I'm afraid. It doesn't mean that that it is a very considerable deprivation to me as a man and as a human being. Yes I feel stuff. OK what's the problem of getting tired of this thing. Well I'm going to kill surprise it by my saying walk. All right have you to even lie that you are a star when you have a wife who's dying of cancer.

The foreign merchant with your war stared son was intended for mature viewers discretion it's advisable as we left the hospital and drove to Alexis hash to celebrate Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful time largely because John had an amazing ability to rally to the occasion. My teeth just like our stuff. Yeah. OK.

John went back into the hospital the doctors got together to discuss John's case at their weekly to board. She has developed a non-Jew in her right breast. Interestingly in an area where two years ago she had an exclusion of what was felt to be a tumor nodule which turned out to be benign

and of the real her very shortly in order to get histological confirmation of what we're talking about. Also remove that knowledge to see whether it's a new breast primary or whether it might be that a static ovarian carcinoma and then to play an additional third. Clearly we've got to play an additional therapy for her because she's progressing on a therapy that works. I wish she would. Clinically she is surprisingly well. She is beginning to have symptoms other words we're suspecting that we're witnessing the brain you complete the clinical deterioration. As she develops widespread she's had a couple she's losing and she's taking longer rest. And yet I think what we've done our examinations we've covered the first signs of a

specific. I think everybody should feel fairly good about this lady because she's had a fairly good survival of a fairly comfortable happy survival. The various treatments that she's now I agree with you having her are pretty sure that she has the weapons of disease progression so I think now it's time to consider changing your regimen. You know explain it to her. She really needs to know exactly what might possibly even though we can't give her certain relations and she hopes that they're ready. I think you did

too. We have a sensitivity to proceed with this life. I caught something. So you see whatever you wanted to say. I talked to Dr. Sadowsky last week and he agrees that this is different and that we should be or should be. It's the best thing in a secondary. You just can't take Yeah.

I just think of what you do mistake to you when you're too many other factors present. You really need to know all of the details of the solution to that which precludes us from doing anything at all. I think so too much like we wait till we get our reports back. We really talk I know I know you know this continue business to be reacting to what this is in this November remember eight days ago. Now she's back again. And she's out again. And then there's the business of this business of the new

chemotherapy which sounds as though it's going to get us which will make you so want by trying to make up already damn. Anyway the question is how much can she go. Just as she cried like a small child but it's quite noticeable you know how you can notice it in Jan occasionally when she guesses right back. One you live with it constantly. You really never never really escape from it. That time the operation went well. I think the preliminary report

suggested it might be primaried. This was the time it really hit count. Now she was just like a mother. We had ovarian cancer and breast cancer. But yeah I mean you have to want it. And also I just I I think in many ways I was really more upset than John was.

She seemed rather detached at the time. But I was very disturbed and I was also angry with the hospital that it was John that had discovered the lump and not them. But when I Joan. I. So how are you. Are you. OK looks it looks all right. Eric you know that everyone has agreed that you've developed the second new and quite separate cancer in the breast. It is not part of the ovarian picture. Just want this dress picked out should it not. Well we've been you know we've been checking Joan from time to time I think I've been checking Jones breasts

maybe once every two or three months when I see this I've been seeing Joan at about every two monthly intervals here. Probably the last time that I subjoin in the office when I checked or over the course you been having mammographic screening from time to time to when was your last mammogram by the interests of the house because you didn't want to know about it so you stopped having your regular schedule with doctors. You see thing that worries me. Thanks I mean I should come. Well you know I thought I was a piece of patient psychology. Yeah and I mean I needed watching on

my watch. This is my subject. Well that of course is a key question. The fact is that at the present time you're very cancerous and how long it's going to be in control. You know as I told you you were already responding better than the average person with the source to the first course of treatment. You're over just about a year and a half now chemotherapy. All the evidence is that things are stable. Things may remain stable like that for years and I think people it's more likely. It remained stable for years months

probably faced with having to switch. But we do have a chemotherapeutic agents. Well we said that the first time around maybe 40 percent of people who responded came to sign the first right on the second I don't know I don't think there's any strong information on this we do know that if a person responds to one course of three years like you want to in the course of that I don't think the chances are as good as the first time around with a real study to show why I don't do any. I think it's time for me to know what is it. I have I mean I really I mean I think it's a reasonable question to if we didn't do it how no one is a reasonable guess as to how long it would be this other

thing will become a killing on the country. Well Rush this is strange. So that's biological. Some years ago actually in Massachusetts in their studies and you two were done with you they had a breast cancer and it was nothing like OK now 22 percent of those people who receive treatment or still alive five years breast cancer is one of the ones you won't be living five years later you know that you can be sure it's a it's a good gamble on the one so I don't have. While I think there is some truth percent chance

that because of you you know Eric came home for a few days and we picked out a Christmas tree together. Next time they're well enough for supposing I think it's time for the toy. Thanks for supporting me and I have to watch and

it's not going to be life. But the truth is. Thanks again at the mastic.

And this time do you know there's so little real category. Very

early spread beyond the bridge. I had to go off to the history conference in Chicago. John curled up on the couch before I left and she would say good bye. When I came back from the conference. Jim wanted be to take her to a hairdresser and I saw there was a very good sign at the training camp. This is my first dance. When they found that it was a different cancer brand new like my difficulty. Yeah I have to cry. But you have to

speak one if that's true for you. Yeah I think you are just a reach to recovery volunteer came to the house. I mean like this is going to be the least of your albums. Yeah yeah this is yeah nothing to do I'm sure you already have. Well I don't know where to walk where to start but what he thinks I'd like to know. Did you know that grandma just reach for we can't reach to reach her we can write and I joined you know at its inception. Yeah because I personally was you know outraged at the fact that no one came in to see me when I have been. Well tell me more about your nation. The group itself investors their 100 volunteers and their women who have had mastectomies. We all go through a training session which basically most of it today

is where we learn history against sudden force and we see films and we all discuss what happened to ourselves and listen to everyone else's stories and just talk in general about the experience. When you they send you out to a mosque to the hospitals when you're called by the by the doctor or the nurse that initially you see someone while they're still in the hospital. You know why I sat before the abberation or just after the operation. Well for one thing because then it enables us to give her a temporary prosthesis which she can wear out of the hospital because that can be devastating. You know you walk in with two breasts and leave with one end of an a hole on the other side. I know when I was in hospital I just figured it was a matter of procedure I was sure that someone was going to come in and show me what I was going to wear. I just think it would be never occurred to me that they wouldn't anticipate my emotional needs when it came time to go home I said wait a minute you know they're just going to have me walking out here with one tip and that's that's not fair. So I raised a fuss and my surgeon put me in touch with another woman and had a

mastectomy who I saw later but it really wasn't quite the same. You know I sort of wanted to know so I was getting married in a month three weeks two weeks you know so I had to have a you know I want to look decent I would I'm sure. So and I thought they take that I thought that maybe it was you know give them a little tank you know. But nothing you know never occurred to them. So I think women are just happy to see another woman who's been you know sure you know and if you do have questions and everyone has has fears and things that they'd never tell me and are not necessarily their doctor you know the the the personal things that you'd want to you'd rather ask a woman if you want to see her true that this is a list of all the available types of prostheses which run from like inflatable prosthesis which I don't know how much they cost now these prices would all be great. The liquid filled combination

comes to me lounging and sleeping which are a little deeper than just comes on and yes they have millions of times in the actually the best as far as I'm concerned. It's cultural for you as a silicone gel because they're just so natural in life like you know they bounce when you bounce. You know they fall under your arms and you lie down. They do all right but these are temporary price this is what we give to women in hospitals and I was insured so I brought two. I was pretty sure you were going to be enormous sum. Well this is me feel different from what I just got called said the way you put it it's very good. Yeah very well with this kind of cash. Because you know I know. Deny that it's a definitely a traumatic thing to go through and then I didn't have you know for years the particular guy you were. Well that was very helpful that was very helpful because there was no doubt in my mind that he would split it seems like.

And he was tremendously supportive and we went right ahead with our plans and I was married a month from the date of the operation. And so there wasn't a whole lot of time to you know I got things taken care of very quickly and I showed him my scar mediately and I got rid of all those problems and I slept with them. Soon as you know from the hospital and get that out of the way you know I sort of had to you know I figured well I just don't you know it's what you make of it really just had to make one of for the regular visits to Dr. Marston and he wanted to operate again. All right my thanks to you. What is this going to involve what we might chat for just a few minutes about what's the best thing with Joe for x rays showed that in the area of the sea which is the area where we were

eating sort of a glandular mass that doesn't belong there. Probably going to involve a little look see that we can otherwise we need to get some of this tissue off or I'm going to diagnose it. Yes because what we've been talking for some time about doing a full 20 second look for C.J. Floyd Jonah Klein what is happening to all of those areas that we recorded a year and a half ago. Is this absolutely necessary at this stage in the event is it desirable. Arrogant in my judgment I think that this probably does represent a reactivation of at least some of the ovarian tumor areas that we noted a year and a half ago John of course is incredible. To my mind about this whole business of taking surgery and the rest of it and I went and I always react when I suspect it's because she's reacted so extremely well to all of her surgical procedures that makes me. More

aggressive in this direction than perhaps it would be otherwise. Joan Rohlfing sick and looking terrible obviously we would think three times. But on the other provision where I know exactly how you feel about this I would feel the same way. The situation couldn't expect to see him this week usually every time a significant change we discussed. So that'll be coming up over the next week. Problems doctor and his because there is something pleasant like

she runs out. She's a great deal of cancer. I wonder if it's time to do read them and comment on the next thing. Make you feel real anxious when I ran in there. That same not dead. I think he's right. I really never totally confident that he's leveling. Not because I think he's dishonest but because I think he's so damn cautious but I must say that it would give me a much greater feeling every survivor you. But the chat was going to really level with us. Well my impression from what I was telling them that he you three reluctant

to tell people what you see. And he is now very good news for me. Well that's what worries me. I mean when it comes to the time when the news is very I mean when it's going to come when you really want to say to them I guess you've heard it. You've got three months of the so. I mean and presumably there's going to be something like that or to be said is he gonna say it. I don't honestly think that we got to the point where you know we're counting in in weeks and months. So I don't feel at that stage yet. But what worries me is those of us thought and I think at some time in the future when things have really got critical and it is the party going to turn us I think denying what. More than you I mean you've been saying you know bloody well what

and I haven't sang with me. Well I think it's very I think it's very difficult but well you know what I was saying is that obviously sooner or later Granderson of the light or the damn things going to kill you. I want to know when I well who wants it to happen. But I mean that's the you saying you don't want it to isn't dealing with the situation. It's got I think it's just me is that I feel and we pretty much have but I feel that. There have been periods in the last few years when I've been closer to accepting it than I am now. And maybe it's because I'm feeling pretty well. That's not my accent but I think it's more than that I think it's the fact that nowadays you get more out of life in many ways and used to do despite the

fact of you know I think that's true. But there are certain things such as. Yeah marriage. We know that there's been moments of our grassed but we know that the likelihood that it's kind of progressed and statistically in all of us that all the probabilities are that it is going to progress I mean it's going to be a miracle if it doesn't. And of course you know there could be a miracle that it will go right and wanting one. You see so much I can't speak Spanish but you are special and I know it somehow because I'm very determined national highway. I mean when you say to me I'm very special you know. I want a miracle. And I know you ain't going to get

you know America. I think I get to say it and it's yeah right. That's not the race for me. That's not what worries me it's just a fact that I know you ain't going to get nowhere. Well some people do. All right. That's a bonus. Well you can't look on Crouse everything is possible. But most things are unlikely. So I would rather we could we could so sort of come to terms with it. You see that the things that you do face you're incredible about I mean who could face surgery hospitalized patients suffering God knows what in the way you do. I mean I could look at you. You know I know how you feel because it certainly wasn't after my book.

Now it's slipping my to hear back for a subject when I think back to my first cancer operation. I met a woman in the hospital it had six arrests with six operations. I'd never go to that I mean I just just thought it was beyond my ken. Now that I've been through six I think so seven you know I still feel if you can find use of that then facing death is not giving up everything. Facing death won't bring up everything just names. Yes. Yeah well that's giving up everything I have. I want to give everything I feel is there. What you said before is chilled out. I'm doing a lot of things I've never had before and I really am enjoying. I want. Well you know what I've said to people for years you know I've said that I don't care. I

really don't care about dying I don't think I mean about that. I really I feel that if somebody said look you're going to kind of loosely die this evening at 10 o'clock I would say well that's a bit of a rush. But I don't think it would not be all the heat now perhaps I'm swimming myself. You know you don't worry about that. I keep worrying about. We have seven tell me you have a few. I don't know one thing showing. Why are you worrying I mean I'll be fine with an agenda. Why should I worry dear that's probably me. And yeah I do worry. Well that's awfully nice of you but that's a different matter I mean that's a concern about whether all that is going to make a mess of things off. So you know it's part of my personality. Well you know what I said to Alison this morning I said you want you're planning this great exit. You know great exit sign you're

going to look. Point to the exit. Every document is going to be filed. Well there's going to be painted the new furniture is going to be in every stitch in your underclothes is going to be magnified and on the street can know you're going to die and we will be able to take a photograph of it and that is excellence in everything. The windows are going to be clean. Haas going to be swept. None of that ash there on the rest of it. Everything is going to be apple pie order and people are going to walk and octagons death and look at it and say oh my god how perfectly she died. It's bullshit because you know when you die what's going to happen. Robinson is going to be all of a mess. He's going to be crawling around the living room. Well I mean that there's going to be

a lot of misery you know. And everything is not going to be neat to and tidy for God's sake. So why are we pretending now. Right. Why do this great. OK well that's that's a difference. Two weeks later John was rushed into hospital again. I managed eventually to stop the resident in the corridor outside and I asked him how it was he really wants and he said every minute he so you know I've done every plaster she had blood poisoning and he didn't need dawned on me after a while the city atmosphere got more hectic. How near to death she was trying to fight

you cynics in case you're saying she's got a mess going to mistreat you see COME SEE be just sure exactly how I like it. So what do you think. What do you think she will thank you for joining us tonight. OK we're sinners when we get the license. You know she was she almost died that night. The next day which one of them feeling very.

Where are you back. If I'm like what you think. OK Joan and I want to pay much that she should died but it's impossible to arrange for someone to die at home unless all the necessary services are there in support. We were promised services but we couldn't get them. I get the feeling that it's simple to say that people would actually

sort of deliberately plan you know. Try sure that you will see is really a very different matter. You just didn't go into practical details in the practical. Yeah I didn't really think that what I thought what I wanted was somebody to say look here you know our family my wife or my husband might be sad that they wanted to died and we tried to prepare for the situation. And this is what I find and this is what happened. Something much more personal yet practical. After weeks of being a hospital gown came up she was sicker and we've never before and she got worse and they were more in that instance. The film people try to simplify things for everyone's sake and switch to black and white video.

On this day in April she fell down with me when I'm going to shout. Come on now. I gave you very much using common sense. There were more nursing and household chores and I could sit on top of everything else John wanted to see a psychiatrist. Well there have been no research studies that have shown correlation between certain character traits through persone character and incidence of cancer. I can believe you that quite a different thing to say that you can then go to a psychologist change your character and cure all your care. I mean there may be a relationship between a certain type of character of falling

off cliffs but you cart with your family also cliff. Yes certainly reverse the laws of gravity and get back on top again. If you read that and not only that you know maybe you wish would happen anyway but something really working right. I would have a longer life than expected. I will die. OK now let me make it simple but I do my best with this situation but I just do not want to live. Many of them many die cancer and whenever I pick up a book to start reading about cancer as well you know I mean there's a limit to this. We project free film on capsule read on television. We sit here making a film about cats right. We could continue in the out of hospitals about cancer you know I don't know I mean I

understand your concern about it are concerned about it but I do not want my life to be swamped by care. So tomorrow I may die of heart disease myself. I just you know Kerry showing me where I'm coming to the next day. So I came to visit. But I'm so glad I'm not sure that you know I think a lot of very well generalize say so lucky somebody that's you know that's that's satire. I was not there I saw him now he is sure that for a person with cancer you are fired.

Then you say what would you know. Yeah but that's changed and bent himself into new sort of roles and check on I know it takes it. That's right. Right. I mean I wrote it here to other cancers which it's nice to know right away. You hurt my knee. Yeah. But that's me. I had developed some very close friendships with the film crew after a particularly stormy fight. I left John's bedroom and went down in a mood of desperation to talk to them. H Sir Geoffry hold it why are you now. You know why I I've been I've been living like a single bound for seven years and I've been married to that.

Oh yeah. And you know I I called my simple easy adjustment. I mean are there other that it would take all time to write but I can't do that. And also I can't do it with Joan because in any case even if I could do it I couldn't do it under the special circumstances with Jo because Joan lives in the memory of a father who was all screwing is missed as well you'd wife would die. So no I don't think she is a toy I think she's terrified but I think she's terrified right. You know and not the age of a real prospects. I'm not very good with women anyway for chicks this. I just upgraded. I just don't I'm not ready. But you see

Joan. Whether it's a real life for whatever it is all but it's a kind of like she's played in the rest of it. The fact that she has no physical relationship with me doesn't bother me in fact she's very bubbly. I sometimes wonder whether even if she were well you know I sometimes feel yeah sometimes I say to myself you know why did she marry me. Did she marry me as an insurance policy. You know I mean really I sometimes. I couldn't understand you she did. I mean she did that change you know. You know what you know now I live.

And I. I just in one day I will start when Art. I see no good way out of it it's extra little to what I see said to myself. I'll stick by. But you know sometimes I don't think she loves me very much. But she's driving me away. And I feel like I get to thank if I get it Sandra which I feel bad about that I can't take

it. It's not what I'd rather be asked and have less than here at present. But I bet that because of what's happened you have to say I HATE YOU each other. I'll get you for doing it. And I took my life. I know.

But what about us. Well I've been trying to make a list. Thank God for that I've almost run out of paper. Yes thank you very much. OK signing off now as they say. Oh I see you. You wouldn't believe. One two three four five six

eight 10 11 12 16 17 18 19. Objects are objects. Yeah. Well no no no objects I mean if you went to the actual object you would go blind. So that if you have a left and this happens every day that every day she said I swear it won't be this long but the veil that you hold the more for. Are you going to come here that some where in the process of talk. Yeah. And it's a fairly hard subject. Yeah I'm planning to. Intake to play and score a goal I thought I would come for two weeks and take your time. But after

yesterday I wouldn't thank Derek if I can't do it alone. Yeah I feel guilty about that. I wish I was stronger. I wish I were like you that I could cope with this alone but I can't. The rain also felt that she would have some difficulty in coping. Would I not go for mild that summer of United States where I could be more easily recalled. I said the whole point of my holiday was that I had aging parents too that I felt safe to yes she would observe that she was at least in a position to see my mother as frequently as she chose to pretty well that I hadn't seen mom for two years my mother was sick also and I wanted to get out and see that I decided that I wanted to see the best of my family I want to save my country I want to have a break and I didn't want to be told for a few days and back again because that was going to do me any good.

Jones constant concern of just time was that we hadn't yet found a great site for So Alexa and I walked around a couple of cemeteries in a suburb south of Boston and eventually settled upon a small private Great God. Then I went to bring from the hospital. And so. Oh. Jen

spends more and more time in bed at the ripe. I realize that I live a much longer anyway. I want to go I'm sure you know we're all going to treatment have about you and I'm my second round of chemotherapy. I also think that you know every time I have around with it with Rex and the last time my wrathy bought one and then it might not respond with work any further. So then I think we're in the wrong room with her few more of my own

when I wrote the thread about this broader term than myself but that as a member of the problem that the car there will be a quick white male on the path that Friday. Rog we have good insurance coverage so that we can have Couric tips that will lead to me and everybody else. Hey going with that thing in Trenton. They were in the tens of thousands of their that that you have made up growing cuckooland. However that it may be is a national health plan but one of the body it depicts and you know so you will and

everybody got this it is not the able and willing to voice it and get with it. Get tested became blocked. And most of had to walk right. Late at night. It was an obstruction for action. I think the decision to go with this was OK. We said damn good way we did. And the interesting thing is despite a couple of years ago John Ritter. This is why she looks like this flash. She's not

waist her chest. She's absorbing it with a little luck in a couple of weeks we'll be thinking of chemotherapy. See where we go she responds to keep her. She may still have a good many months 15th of July 1975. I'm sitting in the United Airlines terminal at Kennedy Airport waiting for my charter flight to make my first telephone conversation with her this morning. It was a nice discovery. She was in pain and I hope what I'm prepared to speak of anything else so that I had to ring off without a single farewell message being exchanged between us. I felt that she was making my departure as difficult as possible. When I phoned later however the mood had changed and she wished me a happy holiday and sent her love to the children.

After two years I was reaching the end of my tether. I had to get away from holiday.