Le Show; 2002-02-10 Elements

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a familiar warning. To listeners of this broadcast for our new New York audience, Hello New York, or anybody else that's unfamiliar with the program, let me tell you this, unlike most of these Lachau programs, this broadcast is being recorded way in advance, way in advance. It's so far in advance, the XFL is still on. And so, if anybody that I mentioned on this program has died since I've mentioned him or her, and my reference to him or her results in an experience of tastelessness for you, ladies and gentlemen, please understand that it was not that this is a rare instance where the tastelessness was not intentional. And if any really major event has happened this week that has not mentioned on this broadcast, you're on your own, you must satirize it, of course, yourself. Me, I'm, well, I'll tell you in a minute, in case you're wondering who did the dirty

work at Enron. The Washington Post reports, behind the building of an Enron annex in Houston, a passer-by stops and points at a truck bearing the logo Shredco. That's right, when Enron wanted to stock him and Shredded, they called Shredco. Speaks to a certain lack of imagination, bluntness, literalness in the company, I don't know. Stop shredding the news. Me, where am I? I'm in New Orleans, Louisiana, ladies and gentlemen, just observing the cleanup of the Superbowl. No, really, therefore, Marty Grah. And in case you're wondering, this should explain it. This is a quote from the New Orleans Times Picky Un, still the best-named newspaper in the country, although down there it's known as the Times Pick on You. This is Lisa Fidelay or Fidel, you never know how people pronounce their names down there.

She is head of a web division of a company that handles the website for one of the major crews that marches parades every Marty Grah season. And this quote sums it all up, ladies and gentlemen, quote, there's nothing that's ever going to replace standing in a pile of garbage on a cold day in the rain. That's where I am. Where are you? Show. Help me help me. I'm so done.

They're bouncing. Go ahead. Save you. Save me. That's the way. Or fade. Save you. Save me. That's the way. Or fade. Keep on walking. Keep on walking. Keep on walking. Keep on walking. Keep on walking. Keep on walking. Keep on walking. Way, way, way, way, way. All right, run, run, run, run.

Cool. Can you see the soda? can you see the sodium? Go for it, oh yeah, go for it! Say you'll save me, that's the way, on the way, Say you'll save me, that's the way, on the way, keep on bossing me, keep on bossing me, Pre-recorded from the edge of America, from the home of the homeless, I'm Harry Shira

welcoming you to this also canned edition of La Show, but you know we're on top of it nonetheless. How about this? Ladies and gentlemen, on our our Mankin check for this week, checking the veracity, the empirical accuracy of HL Mankin statement, no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public this week's Mankin check, opposite the Super Bowl halftime show last week, NBC scheduled a special edition of the Fear Factor, I don't know if you've ever seen the Fear Factor, it's a reality show quote and double quote in which people are induced to do kind of gross stunts for piddling amounts of money. I know it's big money

to them because they're dumb, you know, eating spiders and diving into rancid water filled with stale, stale squid, do squid get stale or do they just get, just go off, off squid. Anyway, you get the idea, a special edition I say of the Fear Factor in which the contestants were, come on, how much more loaded can you, can you get with Mankinitis here? Playboy playmates. Yes, we'll get those people away from the Super Bowl halftime show if it kills us or if it kills the Playboy playmates, the show flopped. Only 11 million viewers were tuned to the reality show at halftime, way down from, oh, the 80, 90 million watching the Super Bowl. So once again, somebody went kind of broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public and HM Mankin

can dive into a vat of old squid. Now, let's, let's follow up on something else here. A regular listeners know that it has been kind of a mission of this program to bring you up to date on the progress of our lurch toward the digital wonderland and television. You know that thanks to Congress in what Bob Dole described as a smelly giveaway to the broadcasting lobby back in 1996, back when Bob Dole talked like that, where he got that Viagra gig. The broadcasters of America were given a second frequency and were instructed to switch over to it to get into digital broadcasting and then eventually get rid of that first frequency, the one we all watch forcing us to buy new TVs and VCRs blah, blah, blah. All right, so I've been keeping track on how this thing is going. The deadline for the switchover was supposed to be

2005. You've noticed all those digital televisions in the homes of your friends and relatives, haven't you? According to Australian news reports, digital television has been a flop in that country since it was launched in January last year, only one in 4,000 Australians. And of course, there are only 4,000 Australians have bought the set top boxes needed to receive the signal. Figures released by digital broadcasting Australia show that only 5,000 of the boxes were sold in 2001. It says General Manager Scott Lindsay of the digital broadcasting Australia organization, PayPal aren't prepared to buy a separate box just for television. They'll wait till the technology is built and is something like a DVD player or VCR where you won't have a VCR. See, you'll have something so much worse that will be copy protected and will tell you where you can record it on this machine, but you can't play it back on that machine. That's not him talking, by the way. That's me. That's why it sounds like me. The high cost of the set top boxes on sale in Australia is also a turnoff for viewers. They range in price from $350 to $450 American. Lindsay said the

all in one boxes offering internet DVD, VCR and digital TV decoding would be on the market within the next six months. So yeah, you put all your eggs in that basket. That's smart. Because then nobody can control your life, right? The poor response to digital television is likely to cause a major rethink by the Australian government in its plan to switch off analog TV in 2008. This plan is due for review in 2005. The end of analog would probably be postponed. Oh yeah. You think? What about in this country? Well, forget about this country. What about Japan? Where they're always leading in technology. Shipments of TVs and tuners for broadcast satellite digital broadcasting services have slumped and won't reach the industry's goal of 10 million units sold within a thousand days of December 2000. An industry association said. Digital technology was once loaded, loaded, lauded as the biggest innovation since colored. Let's go get lauded since as the biggest

innovation since color TV, but the Japan electronics and information technology industries association which decided not to make their name any longer said shipments of broadcast satellite digital TVs and equipment have come to just 956,000 units in the last 18 months. The association said consumer interest in broadcast satellite digital. It's called BS digital. I wonder why has been disappointing since its launch in December of 2000, partly because programs for the service are scarce and equipment prices relatively high. That doesn't sound like any place you know, does it? Electronic appliance manufacturers hope neck this month's winter Olympic games and the summer's world cup finals will stimulate demand for BS digital TVs and equipment. But some in the industry say they've already shifted gears and will promote large scale home theater equipment instead of BS broadcast satellite digital TV. And then what about this country ladies and gentlemen? Well, looking deep into the Bush budget just released this week. Multi-channel news, a trade

publication in this country says commercial TV stations that retain their analog frequencies after 2006 that deadline date will be required to pay $500 million in annual user fees. According to that budget, the spectrum fee would, according to the budget, quote, facilitate the clearing of analog television broadcast spectrum and provide taxpayers some compensation for use of this scarce resource. Unquote. This is the same government, different administration, that gave the digital spectrum to the broadcast industry for Bob Dull said it was a giveaway because ladies and gentlemen they were charged nothing. So now we're going to charge retroactively for keeping the analog frequency, which is the one that most of us watch. Thereby penalizing broadcasters for staying on the frequencies that we continue to watch. Ladies and gentlemen, however, the National Association broadcasters, a really big powerful lobby, said Congress won't adopt that proposal.

They predict that and then of course they'll be writing some checks to ensure it. As of the end of January 236 American TV stations have started digital broadcasting out of the 1300 that are required to be digital by May 1st. Hurry up guys. It's good. It's digital. Have you? I was watching one of the NBA games last weekend and just yelling at the poor woman who shares my house. Look, look at how smeared the guys are. Look at how blurry they are as they run down the court. They're only are clear when they stand still because it's digital. They're not even transmitting to us digitally. They're just transmitting inside, you know, from the network to the stations digitally and already it looks great as long as the basketball players stand still. Hey, you know what? I got a great idea in the digital universe to come.

Let's just all stand still. From the Beverly Hills gun gallery, which reminds you that if you're not free to buy a weapon for a loved one and the terrorists have one, this is Blackwell, strictly from Blackwell. I'm Blackwell and I almost got the name of the show confused with my own name, which just shows you how stressful this time of year can be both for the retailer and for the woman who I think is going to make a comeback as a customer. I don't know. I know a lot of people are hanging crape, isn't? I know the only time I cared about crape when it was hanging from the arms of my customers,

you know, when they were trying to go sleeveless. But no, a lot of retailers, they're crape arms. But a lot of retailers have been singing blue about the situation. We feel the woman is going to make a comeback because she's going to look at a closet and go, not again, please. So that is a way to look ahead and look up at the same time, which we feel is very important as we enter the wonderful world of 2002. And whoever dreamed we would get there. And we have two people who have, they have traveled with us into the gateway to 2002 and we will have good conversations. They, interesting, not an area we usually talk about, which is politics and what's going on in the world. But we have a couple of guests who are just so wired, so absolutely nailed and fastened and glued and every other way connected to this

that we must talk about this. Dr. Harmon Cavendish is one of the world's great cosmetic surgeons in practice in several of the upscale communities in Southern California, including the city of Beverly Hills. And he does, I call him. Rachel Pallas versus a magician with anesthetic because what you wake up to is not what you didn't dream of this, not the Cavendish one. Thank you, thank you, strictly for black. Thank you, Mr. Blackwell. I got a view of what was the possibilities of, should I just start into this because I don't, you know, do you want me to, I want you to tell me, yeah, without me having to ask you, which would, you know, make me have to do a question. Right. Exactly what? Okay. Okay. Went down when you got the message and tried to communicate because this is what I

am all about is communication. Okay. Um, yeah. I felt that a son of a lot had had, had, um, cosmetic surgery to change his appearance. Okay. Good. I am as you acknowledged at the beginning of broadcast. No, because I was fairly experienced in the field. Okay. Good. And I wanted to make my experience available to the federal authorities, the FBI specifically. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To let them know because they are the best. This is what? Yeah. A summer might look like now. Okay. And, um, with, to generate, yeah, with some proprietary software that I have, exactly the look that he might unbefitting at the moment. Okay. Good. Because you see, you are saying that this, you can visualize the a summer bin, whatever one makeover and just put it there in front of the people. That's correct. Who wear the guns? Yes. And just the people, the, with the bat, very blousey uniforms.

And I, I will, I'm here to tell you, Mr. Blackwell, I ran into a stone wall. Unbelievable. I could not find anybody who wants to take my information to see what was, you know, obviously, shapes his beard. Okay. Everyone has visualized this. Yeah. Yeah. But there is a range of other looks he could have. Okay. He cut his hair. Has he died his hair? Has he? Has he had, has he grown no other facial hair? Has he shaved it all? Which, of course, would be my initial recommendation? No, he has to shave it. You know, I went through these permutations in the software. Okay. I have visualizations of them. Okay. Oh. And you know, because they did not want my information, Mr. Blackwell. And, and could I just show a couple of these? No, because, yeah, you know, we're on radio. So you got to tell what they would see. I get you. This is, he's got a, a brush cut, which has been dyed. Yeah. I would say start. What would you say,

that color is strawberry, strawberry, um, strawberry blonde, strawberry blonde. He's wearing blue contacts. He's had a, a slight re-operation of his skin, just to bring out texture. Yeah. Because the Afghani, the, they're just, it's too featureless. Smooth. And you, I, I defy anybody to say, I recognize that man. No, you can't. This is what I was trying to say to the Afghani. He could be looking like this. Yeah. This is what you're looking for. Yeah. And you don't even know it. Here he is. They don't know it. With blonde spikes. No. I don't think, I don't think he has the technology, Mr. Blackwell, to accomplish this. But I just did this. No, I know, you know, to see what it would look like. And to me, it's startling. Unbelievable. And we will get back to

you and have better conversation with you, even in a minute. But Dr. Patrojian is on the line. And he believes he has psychic knowledge of where Osama Ben, Ben, whatever is. Dr. Patrojian, it has been too long and not long enough. No, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. Hey, no, yeah. Oh, I can't believe it. D-D-G. Doctor. Oh, OK. No, no, no, no, no. I did and you were and but we are in the wonderful world of now. And you were getting vibrations. You were getting signals.

You told me you were getting signals about the whereabouts or the whereabouts of Osama. I told you that you had a gem. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know that. By the way, if you not sold a D class emerald. You have done tellments. You got the good rid of them. They are. It's the wrong gun. You see, last year. I get, I get my braces. OK. You know from gemstones. If you have a gemstone. OK. No, yeah, no, no. You did, you did, you did. Place it on your hand and then place your handle on the phone. OK. Yes. All right. You see, because we felt that even if you just focused on getting a psychic picture of the gemstone and then worked from there. Backwards. Yeah. I don't believe he wears gemstones for any kind. But I'm, I'm getting a vibration. OK.

Go. The two. The 14 characters. The 14 two. The book. The book. OK. Good. Because we know we're up here. I'm getting a vibration that he is now in Pakistan. He's very different. He's not in Afghanistan. He could be in Uzbekistan. He could be in Pakistan. He is definitely not with the black world. Yeah. OK. He's not. He's in one of the other stands or stands as you say. Doctor. What would be a good look for him in Pakistan? He would have definitely shaved the beard. OK. He would have cut and styled the hair. Much as we have here, this is a... OK. There's actually a Pakistani colleague of mine, Dermatologist. But there's just a kind of look for him. It's close to the neck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's close to the sides. It's close to the sides. It's some would call it oily greasy, but it's definitely styled. No, it's a styled.

Yeah. And then to, you know, because his eyes are so recognizable, Mr. Blackwell. They are so sensitive. The tinted pink Gucci face. Oh, OK. I was going to... And I define anybody in Pakistan to say, Pakistan to say I know that man is no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you look at this photo of me from about 10 years ago Can you I mean is there a way to get back to that? Do you feel well? Obviously, Mr. Blackwell today it's we're better positioned to do it than we were 10 years ago and of course, obviously this is a champion was made I would say yes Okay, good. The state of the art is so advanced. Okay, I mean we literally couldn't make or some have been a lot and look like I don't know Take your pick Bert Convy No, I don't think Donnie Osman, okay, that you know, yeah, people who would just not with that know get a second look in Afghanistan or Pakistan Okay, it's back as that I'm okay, that's the person

Yeah A ruby ring A ruby Yeah, whatever the what you know, but what have it about Pakistan The gems don't lie, but you know what neither does the clock It tells the sad and awful and hideous and frightening truth about us all except back there if you can if you can work your magic with some anesthetic But we must bid farewell You You

This is the show and now it is in gentlemen tales of airline security So far an exclusive feature of this broadcast But you never know Dateline London an English tourist was stunned when he was allowed to carry a potentially lethal Fiji and war club and cannibal fork on board a flight from Fiji to Sydney But you can't eat people with a spoon Ross Hudson said security staff in Fiji and New Zealand where he had to change planes turned a blind eye to the weapons Despite the safety clampdowns But but Hudson said the 60 centimeter. I have no idea how long that is long club and the 30 centimeter double-pronged fork Could be dangerous weapons if I were a terrorist I could have battered the crew with the club and stabbed some with the someone with the fork He told the British newspaper

Spokesman for air Pacific and Sydney admitted he was shocked by the lack of security at the airport in Fiji It doesn't make any sense at all. He said it's ludicrous. We will certainly investigate Security staff in Fiji did however confiscate two lighters from hydrogen and customs and Sydney thoroughly checked his wooden souvenirs for insects This from a listener in Olympia, Washington Who listens on the internet because his local station won't carry this program because they can't carry it without the music Quote when my bag went through the x-ray in Puerto Vallarta last week It was pulled aside and I was asked if I had any batteries in the bag the guard then asked the x-ray operator how many he said four The guard then removed my four extra double-aid batteries. I asked why he said You're not allowed to have extra batteries From Alex and Berkeley

I was about to pre-board a flight recently when a rather distraught passenger started complaining loudly on the verge of tears about How she was told she did not need to check in and to go directly to the gate and had since wasted two hours The ticket-taker was trying to explain to her that she needed to go back to the check encounter He was too busy because the flight was boarding But she was probably too late and so on back and forth They bickered all the while the ticket-taker and a fellow co-worker were processing the passengers in line in front of me Just as one of them was about to take my ticket five or six people had already boarded the ticket-taker looked over to his co-worker and asked Did you take those people's stubs? A brief moment of panic seized both airline employees as they realized no one had And those people had proceeded onto the plane without having their IDs checked Or stubs collected After a bit of finger pointing one of them dashed into the plane to correct the situation Luckily there was no fallout from the incident since so few people had boarded The woman who was complaining about wasting two hours eventually boarded

From Lynn my mother recently died my brother and I drove to California Then he flew home because he had to get back to work sooner than I did I won't tell you all we went through trying to get a last-minute booking But a friend of the family had a buddy pass that required him to fly from San Francisco to Seattle Or Portland via Phoenix an eight-hour flight They found a spot for him but since the flight preceding had been cancelled He was out in the cold again Not wanting to wait until they found him another seat He chose to pay top price to take the next available seat on any airline going north Finally he had a spot going to Seattle But this time he'd spend most of the day in the airport walking back and forth between the carrier Desks to stand in long lines He bought a burger and fries and deposited the remainder of them in his carry-on so he might finish them on the plane The only other items in his bag were pieces of an antique tea set. He was taking home to his wife He'd made it clear that he didn't care whether he went to Portland

Where his truck was parked or Seattle where he lives Perhaps this statement was the red flag that singled him out to be searched Once he finally boarded the plane and settled in he reached for his lunch It wasn't there They hadn't given him the opportunity to take a bite to prove that it was real food They had simply Taken it away from him Serves you right for not being a Fiji and cannibal Pass the fort here's from Becky In San Diego Two weeks after 9-11 I was on the return leg of a trip traveling from Denver to San Diego Of course the timing of the trip made me reconsider the journey all together But in the end I decided to heed the president's advice and return to normal At Denver the lines were enormous It took over an hour to reach the ticket counter to check in while the lines snaked around the terminal I noticed an unattended bag plainly sitting in the middle of the floor A security guard walked right by the bag and didn't even glance at it the gentleman behind me in line inquired

Do you think anyone is going to do something about that bag? A lot of speakers boom do not lead bags unattended unattended bags will be confiscated and destroyed Five minutes elapsed another security guard briefly passed Briskly passed within a foot of the bag Nothing the announcement again warned people not to leave their bags unattended Over 10 minutes have passed since we'd first spied the lonely bag A guard approached the bag with a bomb-sniffing dog now I thought surely they'll take the bag away or at least inquire if this belongs to anyone The dog paused at the bag momentarily And then the pair moved on After 15 minutes the owner of the bag returned And rolled the bag away Tales of airline security for your listening pleasure You

It's not all Throw me something mister and show me something sister Marty grad Still Remains to this day ladies gentleman The only major public festivity in this country without a hint of commercial sponsorship There have been Clydesdale's a ground zero there are no Clydesdale's And Marty grad but anyway ladies gentleman super bowl for the guys valentine's day for the ladies And Marty grad for the liberty and who says February sucks that concludes this edition of the show Though the program returns next week's fresh and live over these same stations on NPR Worldwide Threat Europe on the USN 440 cable system in Japan Around the world through the American forces network

On shortwave at WBCQ the planet at 7.4.5 megahertz assuming they get their transmitter fixed All over North America on XM satellite radio and around the world on your computer whenever you want it at two locations W-W-W dot Harry Shira dot com and W-W-W dot KCR W dot com And it'd be just like Standing in that pile of garbage If you'd agree to join with me then would you all righty. Thank you very much You can send me your story A valentine security or any other comments the email address for this broadcast is L-M-L-E-M-A-I-L at interworld.net and let's show internet services are by Steve Mac Let's show comes to you from century of progress productions and originates through the facilities of

SAS the satellite service of KCRW Santa Monica a community recognized around the world as the home of the homeless You