Comedy Tonight; 1005

LAURA. Hey the AA. Tonight from San Francisco is right America is your call. It's a comedy tour my 10th anniversary special. Interests who should not appoint people of a very strange idea of what southerners are like usually And I think one of two things I think we're like Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind. Or you think we're all like that guy from Deliverance. You got some mighty pretty lips. Material Bob Hartman on general the man received any training for the poisonous gas in New York to the east. Admiral. Here's a woman who was appeared on The Tonight Show and was with American Comedy Award nominee. Welcome to host the edge of. The East.

The. People of great. Good. I always do that when I walk out I always judge an audience within like the first 30 seconds I guess everybody does that. You do that when you're like in a situation you meet somebody you just try to judge him right away. Let's just say that you did OK. I'm pretty good at it usually I'm like dead on about if I say this is this and that you know sometimes I'm wrong sometimes like for instance I was in the grocery store today and I was. About a year ago but it happened. I was. The grocery store and this guy walks in real good lookin real muscular athletic look like he just finished working out kind of stinky. And I looked at. My. Wife and he really takes care of himself doesn't buy any junk food at all it just looks like that type of guy so when I was checking out I just glanced in his basket real quick. Just there. I just looked and so sure enough there's vegetables

and bran muffins and bottled water and halibut. You know and there you go I was right about that. Then I thought I want to drive some sports car some old convertible something you just look like that type of guy I saw followed him out into the parking lot and. Sure enough a brand new Mercedes. Thirty seven forty four and. One of the good ones. And so that. Then I thought I want to be spends all his money on this car to try to impress people and really don't have any money lives in some little shack in some horrible neighborhood or something like that because you can tell by the car so I'm home. So beautiful neighborhood just an incredible day I barely got through the security gates before the guard was shutting him. And. His house was this mansion this huge mansion with the Bushes all trimmed like barnyard animals you know how they do. He had two llamas and a rooster but that was outside you don't know inside it could be tacky could be empty.

You know you can't help but wonder that. So after a couple hours I noticed that he left so I had to make my way in and the inside was just amazing I mean just gorgeous furniture and the drapes match the fabrics on the sofa and just clean not a speck of dust not even behind the dresser I thought this guy is just you know too good to be true I mean he's good looking and wealthy takes care of himself calls his mother every day. I didn't talk to her she wanted home but the maid went to the phone Lupita lovely lady. Anyway terrific guy right. Next thing you know the guy comes home opens the door starts screaming and yelling just a minute let me turn down the music just continues to see me and yell this who are you what do you do in my house what do you do with my clothes on just Questions questions. What a jerk. You know I misjudge him but usually I'm pretty good about it. I don't think you can trust people any way you think you can trust them and you can't define it like if someone

says I'll call you about seven o'clock to go out you know seven o'clock seven o'clock and they haven't called. I'll fix a drink. So you have a drink and you have another. Then you have another and you have another. Then you have another. Then you have another that you're drunk. Now it's five after seven they still haven't called. I'm kidding I don't even drink that much really. But. Yes I'm doing crack or something I get so thirsty. Right you got that crack stop that. No I kid about crack and drinking but I do it. No I don't I don't I never. I just don't understand people who do drugs is just bad for you and I've always been

very into taking care of myself into physical fitness. It's just less stressful to me and that's like a big thing I guess everybody's trying to get rid of stress now they have so many gimmicks they have in California special they have these things and if you've seen the back of magazines these goggles that you can buy and there's electronic there's like something I don't know what they are but there's something with the lecture in the beginning and you put them on and they like shoot these flashes these beams of light in your eyes your $350. I just poke you in the eyes. I try to 75 you get that same. Thing. That's like to get rid of stress they have like and they have they have they have the mud baths. I believe it's this way. If you don't the mudbath things anybody if you like you. See you know people I don't if you haven't done it it's the weirdest thing what happens is you get in mud naked which you know I know the name should have tipped me off but I had no idea that

I thought they'd show me pictures of my last I don't know what I was thinking but. You. Know. You get in this huge thing of mud and you're naked. You know they always want you to be naked to get rid of stress if you notice that. To me that's more stressful actually you're. You're naked around other people who are. You have no pockets. You just don't know. Over here. All right. So you get a special mod it's like 40 dollar mud. You can't just roll around your lawn. You can get the same effect. I tried that and nothing happened. Well I met some people. It's like. It's special it's like peat moss and volcanic ash and it's and it's hot. And so you sit there and you sweat for 20 minutes and supposedly it's drawing the

toxins out of your body that's what they say is happening for 40 dollars. The thing is you're getting in right after someone else just got out of that same exact mud. So I don't know what you're drawing from them exactly but I can play the banjo now. Banjo lessons are about 45 so you say that but. I'm not real good but I can play a couple things. But then you get out. I'm not making this up were you hosed off. Those of you who were all right good they hold you off. Which you know their little 12 year old hoes girls that's their job title. They hold you off and then you take a shower they hose you off because in the darndest places I'll tell you that right now. I mean weeks later you're at the office typing. I am going.

To say. I don't want to be someone I don't know in a public place I mean you just not come. OK I think you've got it all. It was a little girl. I am. I am. You. See. I I I gave her my long long line of Southern women southern belles I well my grandmothers both my grandmothers live like right next door to us when we were growing up. And as in a lot of families we had the real fun Grandmamma you know her she was real fun. And then we had grandmamma from hail.

Some of you had a grandmama from haled into. Yes they were strategically placed throughout the country. The fun one though now this is the what Ok you go to her house when you're little. You can leave your toys everywhere she doesn't mind let you have all the Coca-Colas you want. Never says a word about diabetes. That's the fun one. Here's a tip off this one dies first. In the. In the. This was dead when you're three years old you have very vague memories of the fun one. OK then there's grandma I'm from Hale. Now this old bitch won't Diana matter what. She will she won't die. You can't kill or. The. But she talks about Diane I

am in that. For 28 years my grandmama from hell would say this is the last year I'll be packing these Christmas ornaments away. Say no it's not. We wish it were but we know what's in them. I go spend the night with grandmamma from hell after the fun when had died. She had great me at the door with a Q-tip you know because. She had to clean your nose before you could come in the house. Now I always thought this was sort of an unusual thing to do really because. Well you know if a little teeny child doesn't already have something hanging out of its nose why in the world would you go digging for it. In there. In the end. Though what she did. She did have what I

thought was a really unique little nickname for your private areas. You know how grandparents will make up little names. When we were little and I would go spend the night with grandmamma from Hale I'd be in the vets have taken a bath just a little thing you know. And grandma from hell would pick her head around that bathroom door. She'd say. Don't forget to wash Christmas. At the end. Sure. Christmas was her word for it. And as you all can well imagine holidays were a traumatic time for me in the end. The. What with Christmas spirit. When the. Christmas presents kind of threw me for a little. The. Christmas ornaments with. The. Fan and of course there was the grapes that

stole Christmas the. Was the. I tell you what else we got going for some big entertainment industry down there of course that's where all the hunting and fishing shows originate. And gosh darn it is there anything more exciting than a good fishing show. In the. I believe you really love something. When I hit women hosting the shows you know that yeah it sure does. Hey my name is Francine Welcome to another day of fish tips. In the. Today we're talking about basics. What do I use when I go for the big one. The. Eye is Odell's new vibrating bait. Was. That. Yes if you want to outwit a wall are outsmarting Bells new backbreaking

bait. I use them partly because they work partly because I like the way they feel in my vest pocket in the. Car for a change of pace try Odell's Newport flavored baked with real hall hair. Who Love Them. An Africa six pack salivating right at the hand to. Know one of my favorite women on television. The coffee lady. Now that's an interesting ad campaign they have it's a big burly woman. Flannel shirts it up in the mountains hunched over campfire she says up here to mountains always drinkers MJB coffee. It's a good cup of coffee. See they can. I built that cabin. In the. Sea that was a voice.

I had that was a boy. Scout so strong and rich. I didn't need a husband to have a label. Rounding out my top three favorite women on television of course I have to include Martha Stewart. Well sure. Martha Stewart. She says Hi I'm Martha Stewart. A professional party planner. For Kmart. In the. You know apparently no one has tipped Martha off to the fact. That the average Kmart shopper can pretty much fill all their party needs at the display at the 7-Eleven. You know I love now I never eat a bag of chips. You look at the back of the bag and they have like in bold print right on the back of the chip bag it says like. Any

problems. Any comments call 1 800 Frito-Lay. I guess they hired like a cheap therapist or something I. Would love to know who would call this number you know. Hello Fredo. I've been drinking. Well no I was making my husband's favorite potato chip casserole. When he told me he's leaving me for another woman. Yes. I see. So I should just cut the recipe and have. Tea. You know what I have had trouble you know from time to time with relationships like we

all do. And you know I figured out there are no rules to relationships if we just had some darn rules we could follow once in a while. And I finally created one for myself that's really working beautifully and I'm going to share it with you before I go tonight. That's this if you ever go out with someone who says this to you I don't know why I'm not in a relationship. I have so much love to give. Up. You should just know that what this really means is I am the blackhole of emotional need and will suck the life out of you to even be. Here. Here exploring there the EAA. A philosophical story in a far

way distant and dim beginnings of man's history. A happy I think carefree life in the face of the year a little bit of everything and. I have no schedules no point that I remember another letter. Little rocks of the forest not about about about one. Day on water skiing. My God look down upon the kind of crops man should know a bit more props a man should know first nations or God created the barrier. So when one wants to encounter the body of. A man ready for experience. And unlike all the other creatures on the face of the earth a man alone was the

thinking creature. Yes. Able to study. And analyze consider contemplate. And to understand who. It was who would. Do this incredible on television send patients. Man was able to challenge. Me on. When all I want now. I have lacked common sense and knowledge more than made up with that tremendous driving ambition do you think himself operating on one man through his efforts and struggles brought himself pretty much where he is today. We are

as a crises grow at home and abroad as one man remains calm. One man we can look to. For leadership and assurance. Perhaps the greatest leader the world has ever known. Yeah and went to that golf ball gone. To a. Dance in the sand tramp. Camp to make a decision. Dad just take their time. What color socks this morning shot. Two hours and I. Made me a sandwich. Morning. I am God now out of my mind and I am the talk yeah and it's a magnificent looking outfit

on to something I threw together. Wound down on this one as you brought along and then that time model of the new stealth bomber. So now try model this is a stuff. That's kind of small where you never give us enough money to do anything fun. The day we have 50 million the other day off most of that one for this outfit. This is a skit about style. Some people have a style of course. Some people don't. But. I think we all recognize it first felt like this is the party going to Guy this is a fun loving thought. Come on.

This is of course is the truth. Yeah I was the class clown of the great time the world is fun doesn't care you probably don't know we disagree. Pref. you re-employ him on point to the clown is a crowd made a. Nice time for entertainment right. Lack of Mattituck. The other thing about the crime scene of before the crown is very easily distracted. Hi there. I don't want to distract the clown Virginia Africa but here comes someone who's not so if they destruct. Possibly someone we can learn something from. This is someone who's been there before. With your time. This is the professional There's a veteran and I was a territory there's no room for error. Everything is thought. With. Measured out. Still have that hold on to it.

But I don't throw it away. I notice that the real experience of my life is that journey takes time checks it out when you mix. This of course is maturity. But it comes to everyone and liar but Moment by moment when the goal seems to enter him for what you can see that memory fiber of your body and you know it. Been waiting for you oh yeah. Been waiting for your hair done that Russia cannot abandon caution you cannot abandon Kara you can reach out and we can give you. Up to now you. Remember harm come come on everybody seems to rely.

On. You. Yes this is the urban urchin here after dinner but it's time to book a long way. To get us both on the feet of five years gone and all of us. Need to get the right clothes asked. The right. Then the wrong club. They want to be caught in the wrong. But. Wait a minute. Looks like there's one. One more. Rising out of nowhere. Unknown. Possibly an amateur. But do a search.

For sounds of her last of the One can take or someone. For the winning homes in on something. But when makes that move. Where know. Where. I'm exploring. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow that. Was. Thank. You. I am.

Yeah. Thank you thank. You. Thank you thank you. Thank you. Thank you hear the music. I would like to thank you and I would like to thank you for joining us to generous till next time on comedy tonight. Thank you. Good night. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. How does a little Southern belle that will still get the vapors. No you see I know the vapors is there yes she's doing she's doing this thing like Scarlett O'Hara.

I know I've got to say I have to retire to the next room. I always thought the vapors was some sort of beautiful mystical feminine thing to have you know till someone explained to me that the vapors is gas. Yes yes. The next time you're in a room with a Southern woman who says she's got the vapors. Perhaps you should retire to the next room. Yes.