A Word on Words; 2726; Anne Teachworth

once again welcome to a word on words our guest is engage worth cycle therapist and she has written this book why we do it why we picked the maids we do why we picked them age we do why do we pick the mais oui do you tell those nervous about reading this book you tell us that one out of five only one out of four marriages that less to news i'm all are happy marriages and that's i'm sure reliable statistical data and you also say that half the marriages in in divorce in the first ten years one half the marriages and of those listen live at a ten is only one of four are happy that's astounding it's quite arid said state of affairs actually is terrible and somewhere in the back of the book you say something like this that

the best friend of divorce and marriage you say i'm paraphrasing their own world basically what i say is that marriage is now the prime concept of the right solid marriages go it was proper and those numbers being accurate that's clearly the case and you're saying not only you know here's a question why we picked them age we do you also say you knew somebody absolutely and that's and that's where bubba and elsewhere and as a mother in his program abel as dumb questions in order to get intelligence answers now you say that of a lot of it has to do with your attitudes toward your parents were twenty ages zero birth and

age to well actually the imprint is the word that it is the actual watching of your parent's relationship forms an imprint and it forms an impression and the child's mind which of course when you become an adult as your unconscious pop and the anti just imprint is what controls not only the way the head you yourself act in a relationship but the mate that you seek them maybe you'd chew and the interaction that you too have once you get married and you say that there's no you say there are patterns but there is no set pattern caused different parents different ways with different children well yes and they act differently with each other basically what i'm dealing with is the way that they work with each other for a long time therapy has focused on

the way that you as a child we're with your mother or she which you're the way that you and your father were with each other and that's been our basis of their pieces fraud and it's destroyed and you're looking at cincinnati you're looking at these really patterns as a guide to happen later mr wright actually what i'm doing that's dramatically different is i'm saying that it's not the way you and your mother and the relationship that you and your mother henry you and your father that's influenced your current problems and relationship it's the way your mother and father were with the job that and that's barely and explored armed side of the triangle that we had never explored in there well this is another dumb question to which i know the answer but how as well how do you know oh i know because our thousand case studies have been a

therapist to twenty five years in the last fifteen of those years i've focused on relationships and i started working with singles and i was teaching newly divorced singles how to meet other people are hard to pick a better made and i was a statue did that over and over again they would pick someone who is exactly like the partner that they had divorced that their interactions we're in a sense revolving they didn't get involved in a relationship then they get reviled images revolved it's the same thing over and over again and they would start somewhere and everything that i learned in therapy that wasn't really working it wasn't really identifying are a problem and i decided to find out what was the real problem and so i created this

election test once i started i had an idea what was going on and i began focusing on their parents' relationship that they saw now i call that the inner couple i left and you've got a chart in here and i wish that all of us i had pages six and so this book goes like find the bottomless crime itself as a child you were birthday to describe the looks personality radio mullah or female parent as the adult she was during that period that looks personality of follow his grandmother as a parent she was when your child's father as a parent when your child then the mother charlie sheen ship the father charlie

sheen jokes and finally grabbed a parent's relationship with each other when you were that age right now you know and what you know well once the first thing that happens when people look at their test is that typical sam can't remember of that i thought this was a horse i know you can't remember awe that that's a memory jogger and well i ask you to do is to just the first where's that come to mind it's an emotional response test more than it is an accurate memory what i'm really looking for is that feeling assessment with stayed in that feeling memory of a particularly how your mother and father were with each other because the interaction that they had with each other cause now that i explain the test to people they really know what i'm looking for when they don't really know i'm living for their likely to describe

their mother and father's relationship as they are you know the time or are they don't have any relationship or my father dragged on my mother cried art and whenever the first two words are that come to mind and what i began to find since ivan dunn this is that troubled couples usually hand troubled parents who were troubled and their own relationship and it makes logical sense when you think about it that your parents are your role asian chip training skill and what they teach you is only what you've learned it's actually as far as you know how to solve problems that bad couples who come in at that baghdad very few couples who command who had a set of

parents who had wonderful relationship because they typically will match with someone who had parents who had a good relationship and may themselves have a good relationship and they're never come to a therapist the ones we see are the people who came from troubled parents whose relationship was indeed sometimes a war zone that sometimes you know what the child watched was couples who were staying together maybe for the sake of the cancer people who weren't opposites in fact ever notice did that most of the people who were opposite personality types head parents who were opposite personality types and indeed opposite personality types usually have trouble the fact that they handle stress differently

presents another problem on top of that neither a top of a problem whereas couples who are more alike in personality at least that they have some trouble and ryan chin chin will tend to deal with that same melody you do with the year term falling in love in a way that might strike some romantic as cynical and are there yes of course i can't falling into romance and i describe the the rice the intensity the chemistry the attraction the infatuation as the transfer hypnotic trance i'm not the only one to use their turn on the french chateaus use the term family trance but i'm going to quite a bit more detail on how the trans is actually in stop and it's installed by appearance install my parent's

home nigel else that sounds like it might be a bit of a stretch that the attractiveness itself is is nature and in some way an eu are likely to be romantically attracted to someone my match one colonel the others that it's not likely to fix that seventy five to eighty percent chance that you will be now it's said dumb question that's a state that seems to be that that is not a stretch not a stretch it's what happens over never get the i don't believe in drive said that the little girl want to bury someone like her father in the law by one to grow up and marry someone lined up i don't accept that that the gender based what i've noticed is that to personality types of the two role models the mother and the father and that it's a personality

based eric and then if the father is indeed kind and loving and gentle and the mother is indeed kind and loving and gentle when i know for a fact is that their child is that either you believe in inherited personality jean or that it's their behavior is imprinted on the chatham but it's not all we all seem to accept is a certain amount of role modeling that we each get the english language for instance is an imprint did learned pattern of speaking and you speak english because you were raised or born into a home with two english speaking parents if he had an italian father and an english mother as a child you probably be barreling world and we learn in the first tier not just the words of the language what we learned tonality

the audio we learn who says what to who and when and we actually learn the interaction of skills and what i'm focusing on here is the interaction skills that we learn why and where when we play mommy's in danny's were actually playing and pretending to be like them and children from the same family can play that game well but you play with the neighbor down the street and very often they don't play it right and they've had a different trying now i say here right now there's a very short chapter a very easy read they are doing what you like is very easy to understand but because it runs against the grain of popular perception and it

it's it's it's it's it's difficult to deal with and at the end of each short chapter you give us a little exercise body the questions are statements that was the answer to respond to and only after i am down the book is usually among them lexus as is just to prompt the thought processes into dealing with what has gone before in that chapter just explain that process well actually they detested the selection test in the beginning is of course a memory jacket when i'm really wanted to do is start people thinking and feeling some of the failings that they felt then because the exercises at the end of the book are designed to reprogram your early imprinting so then you can reprogram yourself i would say it's in tom robinson a great line it's never too late to have a happy childhood and i paraphrase that it's never too late to have happy parenting and if you have happy parents

as a couple what you've actually got is a happy and love for a happy relationship when you grow up so the exercises are indeed to get you in that process thinking about it and then re thinking and then the way she letting yourself know how you wish to your appearance had been when you were a child every child wants their parents to be happy with each other it's a universal and they carried that wedge into adulthood and very often in one of her therapist donna says will people recreate their parents' relationship because the child in them wants to fix it we think we can do it better but the power of the trains is so strong that what i am i've created is a model and they use it with couples

uncouple counseling in new orleans and wherever i teach is to go back in and recreate another imprint it is an amazing and getting amazing so as i said that that they in that the short chapters a very easy read some of the terms were present some ways with barriers psycho genetics it's imperative that you understand and you spell out a very brief seconds to explain it for our viewers basically cycled genetics is a term that i use because i believe in the personality at i believe that just let you if you have a child you know the infant a male and then for instance you you know at birth and maybe that two years of age that this town has gray knots

and you know that this is a male you don't know how tall their child will be you don't know if that blonde hair that that child hands will indeed remained blind on their life are of little bit dark here you you get to see certain characteristics in the town but it's not until that child as a full adult that you may see an amazing resemblance to be the mother of a father we'll get to see the height which you have no way of counting in a smarter but you'll also get to see the ballooning of the adult personality sometimes we recognize in a child oh he has more of his mother's personality and indeed he may and as he grows up he may be more like his mother even though he is the same gender as his father and he may look like more like his father his personality of be like his

mother so psycho genetics has to do with the inherited it imprinted personality since my mantle is based on the personality of what i call the inner doubt in the interim many tears now if you were to read this book take the selection test the front of jot down the notes with us and deal with every exercise i still think i probably need a therapist rapping me by the hand and lead me through to answers that i might not be able to find just by reading the book taking a test and following the exercise was certainly aware he let that their kids could take your lab derocher then you think again in the book but the book is a remarkably good start it's an opportunity for what fourteen dollars

for people to have what i think is the leading engine couple counseling from selection to solutions i had a lot of people use this our pre marital counseling to see if the partner that they have it we'll predict whether their relationship will be after it in humans and they come in and they are in law ending and leilani de a bold just five to drive you know i have a client right now who i saw three years ago she came in with a boyfriend she said i heard about new work i heard about mubarak and she said i am i want you to cast my bar for in cellophane ok so each took the selection test i mean they use the moon as grenades this right now that are at stake in that interesting well i have to get close so i said sure i looked at him and

i looked at her and i think she said oh well you know listen hill that anderson well basically i think once he gets married that he'll settle down he also there and he will surprise you but the problem that you'll have is that when you marry you really have to watch out that you don't become more like your mother because i could look at a test and say she like her mother and that he he was actually even though it's not a gender based he was actually lived her father's personality nsa what you're going to find is that you are going to change you're really interact with him more the way your mother does with your father's she said don't tell me that she said i really hear that she said enough promise you i won't be anything like my mother and i said well maybe you know four want is far out of maybe ill pay attention to it and not slip into that because when i

notice over and over again it's a people change dramatically after a man it's one of the main complaints that therapist here are one way before an unmanned now they're another one you know james attitudes it's a theme that runs through many chapters of this book none you know we're watching ourselves we always want to change the other person and we think we can but what a fascinating aspect to the book is that you recite many many many different cases that you've head and one that sort of stands out in my mind and several new book but barletta just about this one hour and forty four year old male soul of her hours are the only care bachelor twenty six euro female and divorced don't wanna make a

mistake the second time and the question is how could she know that he would be just right which i think it was virginia rack and in twenty six years old absolute love with him and i worked and she was very very wary eye she was one of the people who came in for counseling before they were married because she didn't want to have a marriage like the first time her first marriage and so she was weaned all odds would be that he would continue drinking i mean he's a perfect example of thing he was exactly the one of attacking that bad that i could look at his test and say what had happened his mother and father had married late in life and they had had one child and they had had a wonderful marriage and so he's programmed healing of the absolutely he's programmed to repeat his parents' plan and

solutions show because of talk about another step and another barrier was seems to me that solutions on or crap shoot and you say no you say if i know or if you know an honest man we are doing better and better and better is it that simple is the solution that's simple not only funny how is that so now actually it's an understanding isn't and mouth i've sat with couples for years in my office and they may understand the dynamics and they may indeed decide to change it they really in my office and then have a fight the same i'll fight by the time they get to the car and come back again and say he did it again or if

she the same way she inherent thing is that and i had to deal with that what was it that was showing up under stress and what i discovered was under stress they we all regress and what that means is that you may be sitting here in the present moment which espouse deciding you be different but if you're in a harrier one abused hard are there some sign of a problem you're likely to regress which actually means go back into trains and solve are not south are handled or mishandled your relationship in the same way that you watched your parents interact in the couple minutes we have left let me ask you also bit about their closing fantasy and you're closing fantasy and

book as doing your own bare hands found i'm interested in why you closed on that note than what and what the lesson is of the reader you know dynamic well i closed on that note because i wanted to put up with quite a bit in there about my own personal story in mind be sure did yes in my very revealing married in my mind a lot more human obama made it was there and i mean as people do so absolutely that it's only fair that i tell them a little bit of our hand i'm well like about that is that it was the first fantasy then i did that actually changed to my memory of my parents it was amazing that it stayed in my memory so much i could remember times that they didn't spend together all of my life but then i had

actually created memories of them being together and actually attack about worldwide worldwide it's different than understanding i had experienced feelings that my mother had to my father my father had to my mother and what i like about that is that i now remember it as if it actually happened and it's become a new model in my own mind it's about ants until you actually do the rope line you won't get the real power of changing your phone and can't just imprint you wish they'd taken the selection test usually that you live do you know i've certainly there and i think my parents would have been alive mr wong right direction it with each other and i went

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