Le Show; 2004-12-12

From deep inside your radio, ladies and gentlemen, from New Orleans, Louisiana, the French quarter, where the past is alive. This is a radio program about the past, mainly the past year, part one of the year in Rebuke, for those of you who've joined the broadcast lately, like the folks at Sirius satellite radio, this will be an opportunity to catch up on what you've missed for the rest of you an opportunity to bask in remembrance. But first of all, catching up on some things from the recent past that did not quite make the cut for one reason or another. First of all, an apology the week that should have been broadcasted last week, but it's so good it lives on this morning at 900 GMT and 10 GMT BBC World ran an interview with someone purporting to be from the Dow Chemical company about Bhopal. This interview was inaccurate and part of a deception person interviewed didn't represent the company.

We want to make clear that the information he gave was entirely inaccurate. We apologize to Dow and to anyone who watched the interview who may have been misled by it. Yeah, didn't apologize to the people of Bhopal, however, who may have had their hopes temporarily raised. See what happened was a member of a prankster group, the S-Men, passed himself off to BBC's television world news service as a spokesman for Dow, taking after 20 years, finally taking full responsibility for the disaster at Bhopal, the explosion, the hazmat explosion that killed and maimed so many people who have been existing ever since on the 48 cents resulting from the settlement between the Indian government and Dow's predecessor company union carbide. So he was just trying to bring that situation to people's attention. And most interestingly, though a prankster who fooled the news service, he did not end the interview by saying, Baba Bui. Now here is, you probably ladies and gentlemen are aware that this week the New York Times was the first to publish the contents of a farewell letter, a kind of end of tour letter

by the outgoing CIA station chief in Baghdad, the letter saying in essence, who, man, what a mess in more words than that, though, and with less, less emoting. But outside the bubble, here are the comments of outgoing deputy secretary of state Richard Armitage a few days ago in Australia. Yeah, we traditionally, I think Americans support hope and enthusiasm and opportunity. But after 9-11, it was anger and our fear that we exported. I think we're coming back to center a little bit on that. We're mindful of the dangers from terrorism, certainly our friends in Australia who struggle so hard against terrorism themselves are mindful of the dangers. But we have to go on and live in the world and we look forward to playing a proper and appropriate and good role in the world. Good role in the world to you, sir. So what he's saying amid all the diplomatic niceties is we've been exporting anger and

fear to the world since 9-11, Richard Armitage, ladies and gentlemen, outgoing deputy secretary of state going out with Colin Powell, maybe going to help him write a book. Just catching up, this is the year in Rebuke Part 1, the non-campaign days, and starting off with a song that was, unfortunately, left out of our farewell salute to Sy Coleman a few weeks ago, so it's looking back, a year in Rebuke, hello, welcome to the show. And in Spain, for reasons I don't explain, I remain enjoying a brew, don't deplore my love, you know how a thunder dog can lead to a few, and baby, when in Rome I do as the

Romans do. If perchance I'm saying farewell to France, and romance drops in from the blue, share I'm more a peg of you, please endure my taking a brief detour with somebody new, it's just that when in Rome I do as the Romans do. And though from Italy, how light are you, Italy, why think of me, Italy? You know that I'm through, except now and then in Rome, I get that old yen in Rome,

and naturally when in Rome I do as the Romans do. If I ride happily, best wishes from Napoli, don't care for me, Snappoli, to tell me where through, cause once again in Rome, and somebody's then in Rome, well, pussy cat, then in Rome I do as the Romans disregard the signs in the Romans, when in Rome I do

as the Romans do. Now, live on type, Larry King, live. We're on tape tonight, because while you're watching this show, I'm in seeing the cirrhosis foundation's chopped live of ball. Tomorrow night, a full hour with a woman who sold Lacey Peterson, her maternity wardrobe. Tonight, an important discussion we've already called it that to save you to the trouble of deciding about religion and politics and religion. Joining us from Virginia Beach, Virginia, town so nice, they almost named it twice, the host and the owner of the 700 club, former presidential candidate, Pat Robertson, and from the studio by Des Moines affiliate, KRNLTV, Colonel Seven, his current democratic presidential

candidate and former governor of Vermont, Howard Dean. Welcome to you both, Reverend Robertson, you said last week that God told you that President Bush was going to win this year's election big time. You really talked to God about what's happened in American politics? Well, Larry, when you're in public life and you have a personal relationship with Jesus, you talk to them about all sorts of things, you know, the future of the country, the quality of the cruise that remote studios, you name it. You wouldn't bet on what he tells you, would you? Well, Larry, I'm not a betting man, and I think that's one reason I'm privy to this kind of information. So you don't have to, please, hold, he's on the other line with Larry Flint. That's right. Is God telling you what he thinks is going to happen or what he's going to make happen? You know what I mean? I do. And Larry, I think the answer simply put is that God is the 800 pound gorilla in our universe. You know what?

He's telling me whatever he wants. That's why we praise him. We praise him. We love him. Governor Dean, you got into this whole religion thing when you told a reporter that your favorite book of the New Testament was Job. Now, you've been a delicate test in June like me knows that Job was in the Old Testament. Otherwise, he sees it. It's like Gronish to me. But was that just one of your gaffes? Well, Larry, first of all, religion has been a very personal thing in my life. I haven't talked about it, but now that it's a political necessity to expose that side of myself to public view, that was just my best testament at the moment. I corrected that within the hour. Job of course is Old Testament. I was asked, my favorite book in the New Testament, when you think about it, it's kind of a trick question because you naturally start thinking about the Bible as a whole. What was in my mind at that moment was the Book of John. Job was what came out. I meant my book of John is my favorite book of the Old Testament. Unless there's a book of John that I don't look at me. Larry, if what the governor is asking is, was there women's live in the writing of the New Testament?

The answer is no. I was choosing John, obviously, but I was identifying more with Job only in the context of a private identification. That's right. It's a religious influence. Job was a just man, a moral man, and God chose to test him by stripping in bear. Yeah. You're still wearing nice suits. Larry, I think when the founding fathers prohibited Congress from restricting the free exercise of Christianity and to be fair or some other faith, they wanted the people to know enough about the Bible that they wouldn't be bedazzled by the words of a born again secularist. Friday night, Mark Garragus is here with the videos Michael Jackson never wanted you to see until he offered them exclusively to us. How a Dean. Do you want God out of the public square? Larry, I think it's in one of my favorite books of the Bible, Book of Jim. By the way, I identify with Jim even more than Job because in a way, there's a self-peeding aspect to Job, which I just happen to think doesn't play well here in Iowa. Anyway, the point is render unto Caesar. That's in there for sure.

Larry, I'm not going to sit here and get into a scripture quoting context with the Governor. Let me just use the God-given facilities of your broadcast to tell Governor Dean that the Lord told me not 72 hours ago that if he goes up against President Bush, he'll win no more than three states. Did he name them? Well, again, Larry, let me just remind you here. I was talking to the Lord of Hosts, not Michael Barone. Interesting. Political analyst for you as news. Larry, if I may, and I know my handlers are waving frantically for me not to say this, but I just have to say that in the opinion of this former governor, the good Lord does not have pollsters. I'm pretty sure of that. Pat Robertson, in a closing moment in his segment, do you think God cares who's the president of the United States? Larry God cares who wins the Alabama burn football game. So he's going to kind of care about whom he puts in charge of the entire free world. Good point. Governor Dean and I're really closing moments. You said your religious faith inspired you to sign a civil union law for gay couples

in Vermont. That's right, Larry. And I'm very proud. The question to my aunt and wants me to ask is what other actions you took while you were governor were religiously inspired? Well, again, I never like to talk about it. I was raised in the Northeast culture where we kept that kind of thing and how much money we made. Pretty much a private affair, but I think now that I've had some time to reflect on it, I think that the giving tax incentives to businesses that wanted to relocate in Vermont that may have had a divine spark. After all, if God created entrepreneurs, He can't have not wanted them to be in Vermont as well as everywhere else. That's just a logical surmise. I mean, like Reverend Robertson here, I can't verify that firsthand. Well, if you'd like me to ask next time, I'm hooked up to it. That's fine. I'm fine. You're fine. He's okay. Reverend Robertson, President Bush said to Christians, Jews, and Muslims, pray to the same God. Did he have that about right? Larry, the logical extension of that quote is that the same Lord that speaks to Pat Robertson Whispers in the ear of Osama bin Laden, I just don't happen to think that has the ring

of truth to it. I don't want to make the mistake of some of my brethren in fellowship and condemn a whole religion. But I'll tell you who's been talking to Osama bin Laden and it's Satan, I know that because God told me. Didn't Satan sometimes try to trick people by sounding like the voice of God? He does, but he doesn't very often trick professional men of the cloth, Larry. Governor Dean, your wife's Jewish. Yes, she is, although again, that's been within the zone of privacy. When you come out there, laytell her, she's got to go to Nate Nell's, best pastrami and a planet. I'll tell her, Larry. Tomorrow night, Princess Diana's butlers dentist from Washington, good night. This man leans a double life. Hello. By day, he's Chuck. Now, I want you to go ahead and restart your computer, okay? Okay. How do I do that? Don't ask me.

Ask Dr. Phil. By night, he's Vijay. What's for dinner? He empress chicken with tandoori potato cakes and a cauliflower biryani. Again? Every night with the biryani. By day, he's an American. No, the prongy things, they go into the wall. Anywhere in the wall or do I need to find a stud? Wait a minute, if you've got studs there, why don't they fix your computer? By night, he's an Indian. And you're not going to watch the cricket again? No, and why not? I don't know. And yeah, I just thought I might have a wicket that's a little sticky myself. Let me call my friend Sanjay. Ah, ah. No three sons. No, Sanjay. The next cubicle is the one who sells the online viagra. Nate Vijay, Chuck Banerjee. He's live in the dream, but it's covered in curry.

Outsourcing was never like this. Till it got fox attitude. Welcome to Bangalore. Can you find the manual? I'm it. I wrote it. Where even the in-laws are spicy. Vijay, when will you come back to the old ways, talking on the phone or not to people? I've a world of ways. No life for my son-in-law. I make good money. Let me set your up in my business. Oh, no way. That cardboard box isn't big enough for two beggars. You're not losing a job. You're gaining a hip comedy. Honey, I'm Hindu. Tuesday, right after the premiere of American Idol Memories. Because this year is way fox. More of the year in Rebuke, moments from now, but first the apologies of the week. More of them. It's so sorry. The student in a Justice Studies class receives an apology this week from Maricopa County

that's Phoenix, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, after the sheriff referred to him, the student, as quote, the football player during a lecture delivered to the class last month. Arpaio said he didn't make any racist statement, though he apologized if Ubang Ekpo, a black bachelor interdisciplinary, interdisciplinerary studies, senior and the rest of the class, were offended. Arpaio also said, quote, political correctness has gone too far. People should have the right to say what they want. Unquote. Ekpo said the apology Arpaio made was pointless because the sheriff did not understand the underlying point. quote, he really didn't apologize to me per se. He just apologized that people were offended about the comment. Ekpo said, well, it's about time. Somebody called somebody on that. Arpaio also said calling somebody a football player is quote, honorable and is not derogatory. Dayline Kayo, naval-based Peru, the leader of a Peruvian rebel group best known for a dramatic

four-hour hostage siege in Lima eight years ago apologized to his victims at the start of his retrial for terrorism this week. You know, let see terrorists can apologize. You know, let her write out to the court, Victor Polet confessed leader of the Tupac Amaru Revolutionary Movement said quote, I am ready to assume my responsibility in the internal conflict and also to apologize and offer my condolences to all victims of political violence. Dayline Charlotte, North Carolina, the Mecklenburg County Commissioner who said last week that urban blacks live in a moral sewer, then apologize for not choosing his words more carefully was booed as he took his oath of office Republican Bill James chose not to address the audience after some members booed him this week. I don't think I have any comments for now. He said, and the boo's changed to applause.

If I inflamed the situation by saying hello and goodbye, my family might be at risk. He answered, glancing over to his wife, Julie and four children, police said more than 400 people packed a 90 minute swearing in including groups from black churches. Some people sat on the balcony with posters announcing racism and he said they had come in response to comments James made a week ago when he wrote in an email that urban blacks quote, live in a moral sewer email about the challenges that Charlotte Mecklenburg schools face educating students went to more than 1200 people. The next day county manager, how he Jones email James, yes, the right Jones email James saying the comments quote, smack of racism in the highest form. Can't people write English racism in the highest form on a few days later, James apologized for not choosing his words more carefully. Jones said he was proud of James for showing contrition. The apologies of the week ladies and gentlemen, a copyrighted feature. And now advice about choosing your friends and supporters wisely recently, President

Bush introduced Mike and Charlotte hints, a couple whom he had said benefited from his tax plan last year because of the enhanced child tax credit they received an extra $1,600 in their tax refund. Bush said with other cuts, they saved $2,800 on their income taxes. They used the money to buy a wood burning stove to more efficiently heat their home made some home improvements and went on a vacation to Minnesota, the president said, next year maybe they'll want to come to Texas. Mike hints a first assembly of God youth pastor said the tax cuts also gave him additional money to use for health care. He said he supports Bush's values quote, the American people are starting to see what kind of leader president Bush is. People know where he stands said pastor hints where we are in this world with not just the war on terror, but with the war with our culture that's going on. And I think we need a ban that is going to be in the White House like President Bush that's going to stand by what he believes. And quote, until this past week, Dayline Des Moines, a youth pastor is charged with the

sexual exploitation of a child. KCCI television learned that the married father of four recently turned himself into Johnston police. Then Mike hints was fired from the first assembly of God church on October 30th. He was a youth pastor there for three years. Police said he started an affair with a 17 year old in the church youth group this spring with the money he saved. It is no, they didn't say that. The flu shot shortage is being eased. The government said Tuesday the flu vaccine as many as four million doses will be available to alleviate the US shortage. The doses are coming from old Europe, Germany. I say, ladies and gentlemen, let's, let's, let's stand where our principles are. Let's tell the Germans to take their four million doses of, of flu vaccine and send them to Saddam Hussein.

What do you say? Do we have the guts to be Americans or what? And just to prove that it's not just here again from outside the bubble, civil liberty protections would be watered down and investigative powers boosted to allow police in Australia to launch new intelligence operations in a secret strategy to combat organized crime. Even though the strategy concedes that quote, organized crime will never diminish. That quote, yeah, but the civil liberties will. So you get half the, I mean, okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is the year in rebuke from La Show, from CPR, Continental Public Radio, welcome to Media Nation. Media Nation, CPR is weekly look into the world of the media and the media of the world. I'm Chris Edwards.

This week public radio circles were enlivened by more than continuing debate over the infrequent burst of unintentional profanity. The long-running host of a long-running CPR program learned this week that he was being replaced and that host, as it turns out, was me, Milton Getzler reports. The third floor at 1818 Indiana Avenue, Northwest, the jangling nerve center of Continental Public Radio, the nation's third largest source of indirectly sponsored broadcasting without pictures. Of course, if you consider the webcams, there are pictures, but that's another story. Here in the third floor, bullpen, reporters scurry to put the finishing touches on broadcasts as diverses the sound of things and keeping tabs. But this week's revelation that Ira Zipkin was being named as the new host of CPR's weekly media nation broadcast, public radio's third most listened to summary of the week's media

news, that revelation rolled through the bullpen like a bowling ball through the gut. Zipkin, who also hosts the book bag program when a public radio's leading literary talk fests, was effusive in his praise for the man he's about to replace. Chris Edwards was my hero growing up, and I always dreamed that one day I would have his voice. He never dreamed that one day I would have his job. I mean, Chris was the soul, the conscience, the institutional memory of CPR. I think even when you heard his show that he wasn't involved with somehow subconsciously, you heard his voice, and of course that was a good thing. It told you without looking exactly where you were on the dial. I never worked with Chris, we were always broadcasting at different ends of the day. CPR's long-time special correspondent Aviva Stormen, the man who made the decision to

replace Chris Edwards, was Sandy Van Atter, CPR's vice president for strategic planning. He'll ask me all the time, Sandy, what exactly does strategic planning mean at a radio network? And I'm usually at a loss to give them a thumbnail answer, but here is a perfect example, taking a perfectly fine show with a serious approach and intelligent subject and the rigid format, but doing fine and just reimagining it with a different host, somebody more edgy, but always, and this is the key public radio edgy. Sandy told me, he thought the world of the media had more than one or two stories a week that we should cover and that we should do more in depth coverage as well, and that combination of greater quantity plus greater depth, and meant that somebody was going to have to talk faster, and I guess for the moment that somebody is me. Now obviously, we don't want to start sounding like commercial radio. I mean, if in three

years you come back here and we're running 18 spots a half hour and making condescending assumptions about our audience, you can say, Sandy, that's bad strategic planning. But we thought Chris had a wonderful relationship equity with his listeners, and we just wanted to leverage that equity in a more brand-efficient way, always though, with that public radio respect for the audience. Here, have a mug. Listen, we're all Chris Edwards loyalists here. I mean, the year we did the Christmas fruit cake tasting when I went into hypoglycemic shock, Chris was the one who gave me CPR on CPR's air, but I certainly agree with you. We need to keep attracting younger listeners. I mean, we could use hip-hop songs for show themes. That would be wonderful. What will it be like stepping into Chris Edwards shoes? Well, that's not what I asked you.

I think you don't take the audience a little while to get used to me and vice versa, but even though the show is going to be faster and more flexible, more in depth and more consistent, I think in time, the audience will come to know as the book bag audience, I think, has that, although I may be from the next generation, the only thing I've ever pierced is my own pomposity. Chris Edwards had no statement for this broadcast. Reports indicate he has sought legal advice. I, Rezipkin's tenure as host of media nation, begins next July, after four weeks of rehearsal broadcasts. From the CPR bullpen in downtown Washington, I'm Milton Getzler for Media Nation. Milton Getzler's report was made possible by a grant from the Hissler Rude Fund for reporting on the politics of public radio. And for this week, that's this week's edition of Media Nation for Now.

Next time, another look at the media that fill our nation on media nation, I'm Chris Edwards. This is CPR Continental Public Radio. In the late spring of this year, a certain set of photographs began to be widely disseminated. Initially through 60 minutes Wednesday, as it was then known, before it became 60 minutes too and disgraced itself later in the year, these were the photographs of the Abu Ghraib Prison and what was apparently going on there. And it was a very good day at Black Rock. Brother Wallace, I'm playful, kitten, tickled to see you. Daniel, I was just on my way to

taping some intros. I just wanted to say that... Come in, Michael. No need to sing it to the world. Yeah, I haven't been here for a while. It's like you've let the authors go great too. Look here, Haasai. I know what you're going to say, that by letting General Myers draw bone me into delaying the airing of those photographs for a couple of weeks, I severed the last cord of integrity that connected me, fainter than a coon's holler, to the journalistic Rosetta Stone of Edmurrow. Twitch, I can only say... Do it, I can only say too many figures of speech. Daniel, I thought it was a great get. If anything, it belonged on the 60 and not 62, but that's inside baseball. Over the day, Michael. Sure, I'm relieved to hear you say that, because however long it took us to show those pictures, it put us back in the breaking news business again. Not since Ilar, don't you think? Well, Richard Clark made some headlines, didn't he, Daniel?

Oh, I'm not talking book promotion, brother Wallace. I'm talking good old-fashioned scuff up your shoe, leather. I know. Squanched down on the vehicle and stripped your safari shirt journalism. Matter of fact, Michael, our next big get is sitting right here in the machine. Now, it's just a call and fearless leader to come in and screen it with me. This isn't what Rumsfeld was talking about. The worst stuff, worst than a mad cow rodeo. Look at it once, when it came in, now you wouldn't want to tell me how you're getting this stuff. Let's just say, brother Wallace, interesting things happen when you open your own email. Well, look, Daniel, the promo is can wait a few minutes. Sure, crew can double track the lighting. That's right. Sound can check levels with someone else in the chair. There you go. So, what's up? No, I thought you were going to show me the stuff. Sorry, sorry, anchor my in moment. Yes, sir, it's closer at hand than a New

York nanosecond. Okay, now, tell me you love me. I love you. Tell me like you mean it. I love you. Who's the funniest one on friends? Ross. Okay, put the hood back on the car. Now, bark like a dog. A bark like you mean it. Pretty strong stuff, Daniel. It's worse. Red ants in the sleeping bag worse. In fact, pause it there, will you? Rather, Dan, this is Don Rumsfeld. Mr. Secretary, I'm pleased you took time with all the big dogs you're wrestling with to visit with one of us media pups. A very good self at facement, Dan. I'll have to remember it for my next personality. Look, we hear you've got the

new photos. Yes, sir. And the tapes. Just watching the tape now, sir. Oh, goodness gracious. The one where they take the little kid on the imaginary visit to Michael Jackson's house. Haven't gotten to that yet. Sounds bad. It's horrible. Rotten tooth bed. It just defies belief how this can happen. Which is why I'm calling, Dan. I'm going to get to do my promise. Hang in here, have a take, doctor. You have people in there with you. Oh, Mike. Mike Wallace and I had on our screening hats, trying to decide whether this goes on 60 minutes to or 60. Because I know general Myers tried to get you to delay airing this material at all. Yes, sir. He did his best, but we've been down that road. Now we're back. We're not going back down that road. We're here because I follow you. See, that's why I was calling. I thought it worse, you know, 48 hours, but for the good of the country, Dan, not 60

minutes. Don't know, sir, cuts both ways. Well, 62 should get this stuff because it's a follow-up on our story. It's a reward for good old-fashioned scuff up your shoe leather, get your hands dirty and get out alive journalism. Sixty should get it because this is a bigger story. You know something, Dan, compared to trying to figure out how to pierce that wall of criminal procedure to spring something potentially unhelpful like this up to a higher level in a more timely manner. You've got a hard decision, too. Should I have the president call you? I don't know, sir. Maybe you should have him call Brother Wallace. Brother. Mike. Mike Wallace. Hey, thanks. Yes, sir. All right, Dan. Boy, I sure miss the days when I could just call your boss. Yes, sir. Good times. You take care, Mr. Secretary. It could at least be on after Andy Rooney. That is a Wallace question, sir. Thank you.

Thank you, Dan. Rumsfeld was calling. Daniel, I'd never thought I'd live long enough to see this again. This is like the Pentagon papers, and we're the New York Times. Yes, sir. Move over, Mr. Catburden. Somebody else needs your seat. So, Rumsfeld's going to call me. No, sir. The president. You've got to be kidding. They sure are scared. No. In a way, I think it humanizes them. I suppose. Felt a little guilty, strengthen Brother Rumsfeld along like that. How do you mean? Mike. Take a look. Has that bra fitting you A-hab? Now put it in your mouth and move like now. Are you kidding? After Janet Jackson, we can't air this. Suppose you're right. Well, I do have promos to do before I sleep. Good get anyway, Brother Render. Thank you, Brother Wums.

A conservative activist calls 9-11 on Fahrenheit 9-1-1. And public television gets it all down in black and white. Got to be the sun splashed extra access tonight for the early part of July 2004. Hi, everybody. I'm Pat Mungo. And I'm Mike Devier. Mike, if you've seen Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9-1-1. Sure, Pat. I was with you at the tabloid TV screening. It's still packing him in the seats. Yep. But now the other side of the political fence wants to do some seat packing too. Hollywood conservatives, like their political brethren outside show business, are mad as hell about Michael Moore's anti-bush movie. And they've decided to strike back with the aid of one of television's best known conservatives. And Colter's new documentary film is called The Truth About Fatso. Michael Moore talks all the time about the truth.

You know, what's the biggest, most obvious truth this mouthpiece for terrorists chooses to ignore the fact that he's a big fat piece of pig meat. Of course, the traitor's liberal media don't want you to notice that little fact. So that's what our movie is all about. Conservative producer Bill Kronenbacher, who's last hit was the female twist on top gun, booty honor country, put the whole thing together late last month. I just seen Fahrenheit. And it ticked me off big time. This guy was getting a free pass from the media. Not about his distortions necessarily, but about being such a big tub of lard. Well, it turned out Ann was the tween book. She's kind of the case of writers black trying to come up with a hot title that her last one, Traders. And, you know, color six year color skinny. We know the camera loves her. In the film, Ann Colter asks people on the street. And in the TV studio, she frequents one question. How much do you think Michael Moore weighs? Uh, 250 to six. Ah, he's at

least 300. Dude, he's not heavier than Shaq. I don't know how much he weighs, but he's in hot attack country. He's not pounded down the ga-leak. We also got Edison Spurlock, the brother of the guy, and super sized me to see how many McDonald's shakes you'd have to consume in 30 days to get as big as Michael Moore. It's disgusting, and it's great. But even before the truth about FATSO hits the theaters, critics are suggesting it's playing fast and loose with the truth. Liberal talk show host Al Franken suggested this week that Spurlock didn't really consume all those milkshakes. I wanted a lining guys who worked on a picture, swears to me that, uh, the Spurlock just put on a fat suit. I mean, can you believe these people? As you can tell, the fur is flying. And the fat will soon be in the fire. Sure beats the alternative. The truth about FATSO will be in theaters nationwide shortly before Ann Colter's next meal.

Public television's getting a facelift as fall. Big Bird, nature shows, and British dramas will be making room for the network's first sitcom called Black and White. The name of this show operates on many different levels, both literal and symbolic, and the most obvious level. It's a comedy about a white police patrolman and a black police sergeant and the sisters they married. A fever slurman is moved over from her longtime radio perch to write and produce black and white for national public television. And then in Los Angeles, where the show is set for its gritty reality, the police cars are called black and white. And then, because we do have to live up to our mandate of doing pieces that you can't see elsewhere, the show is being shot entirely in black and white. Black and white will be the first comedy series about law enforcement since the legendary Barney Miller. And all school rapper turned co-star Ice Crystal says there's something else

special about these 12 episodes. We're trying to keep it realer than you can on commercial television. So this is going to be the only only the 22nd comedy show ever to be done without, you know, a live track for an audience, you know what I'm saying? Also, unlike commercial TV, where the shows have to be like 22 minutes to leave room for all the ads, we could do full 27 minute shows except during pledge weeks. That's what I'm talking about. We're also taking advantage of the public television environment to do some of our storytelling because it's about stories. So in the third week, someone sends an envelope containing white powder to Jim Lehrer. And he shows a side of himself you've never seen before, a vulnerability, a sweetness, and a real gift for physical comedy. Black and white will debut this fall in most cities it will air before Nova or after frontline or somewhere else.

Casting a jaundiced eye in 2004, this is the year in rebuke on the show. And this was the year that a dirty little secret surfaced speaking of media events that most so-called reality shows on television are in fact scripted. Oh my God, you better sit down. The difference being, of course, that the people who script the reality shows are not, or at least not yet, members of the writers' guild, hence a little, a little cost advantage to the whole

reality thing. But just another point to be exploited, you might think. And you'd be right. Forget about exotic islands, swanky mansions, or the guild-edged offices of billionaires. Each week, you're stuck in room 212 in building 47 West, somewhere in Studio City. Sitting around this conference table, piled high with half-eaten pizzas and half-drunk diet sodas. Your task is to stay employed as a writer for this very show. You're playing against your fellow writers. This is the room.

I'm Stan, I'm a sexy bartender. I've done some writing for Maxim, and I've got a bad divorce settlement with an ex-starlet to pay off. So here I am. I'm on the black team. And Pete, I was shown around a big hit, but last three pilots didn't sell. And in the mean time, I came out. And I'm on the black team. I'm Mark. I quit the business and moved back to Illinois in 1980. But I got bored. I'm on the grey team. I'm Arlene. I did stand up as the ugly wife, you know, the bit. And I wrote the hit TV show for the comic who stole my act. I'm here to get even. And I'm on the grey team. Okay, listen up gang. Here's this week's first challenge. A surprise guest star has to be worked into the reality storyline. We know, Casey, we wrote it, but you don't know that the surprise guest star is Mary

Caleb Turno. Good luck. Mary Caleb. Who? You know, the teacher who, what are we supposed to do with her? I've got an idea. Let's see if there's money in the budget for a young male intern. Now that's funny. I'm serious. Okay. As you know, every week we meet here in Jerry's deli for the winnowing. Mark, you voted to fire Stan. Yeah, his idea for us to have to figure out how to roast a live pig in the room was just stupid and cost too much. And he didn't even know who Mel Token was. Pete, you voted to fire Arlene. Yeah, well, I didn't think making us all go to Romans to shop for show outfits was even close to good TV. Arlene? At least we'd have no clothes. Sixteen writers, eight on the black

team, eight on the gray. Only one ends up getting credit plus $50,000 up front at one tenth of a point of net profits as we define this is the room. The room, reality was never this real Wednesday's this fall on UPN. We're what the wrestlers watch. This was also a big book year. And one of the biggest was written by the ex president of the United States. Clinton, something the Harlem years.

Thanks to president Clinton for being with us. Tomorrow night, the woman who is Scott Peterson's nanny for the full hour. Next, the great Aaron Brown. Claire. Lara, thanks. That was fun. Now, Mr. President, I'm going to be spending most of my time on my AIDS project, but hey, we'll even talk about that, but that whole parallel lives thing you were talking about. That was great. That was that was almost like some kind of George Lucas thing. Excuse me, Mr. President. That is a production assistant, Alicia. I think you met her in the green room. No, I would have remembered. Hey, Alicia, where do you get those pretty green eyes? I guess from like DNA pool. Hey, Larry. Larry, you're hiring them smart these days. Oh, you got a tough

business. Fox is breathing down my ass. Sounds unpleasant for both of you. I don't think anybody asked you this yet. Oh, what is it, huh? Well, I need to sign this waiver. How though we already aired the show, so. So with this point, I'd have to sue myself. Sure. I got to do some promos. Take two seconds. Okay, let's get out of harm's way over here where it's not working. There you go. And three, two, Princess dies, butlers, barber, plus your phone calls tonight. Can you see where to sign? I've got a little light. Mm-hmm. You seem to be shining it on your chest. Oh, I'm sorry. Here's the waiver over here. Totally apart from my body. Three, two, tonight, Jim Baker on why Tammy Faye has cancer and he doesn't put a full hour. There you go. Thanks. Cute outfit. Oh, thank you. I, uh, I happened

to be wearing a whole lot of thought. Yeah, Carville talking. Yeah, Mr. President, that was the best yet. Yeah, yeah, I thought so too. You were warmer than on 60 minutes. More than on Oprah and more likable than fried cheesecake. What do you mean I got to do it again? It was fine. Well, you know, I think I'm kind of fine in my rhythm with this deal. I said Jim Baker. Also, you know, Larry's just such a pussy cat. He's like a downfilled pillow of an interviewer, but you sure it was good. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Check the tape. There you know, I know, Mr. President, you had married customer to TV by the first commercial break. You still think this stuff about my supporting the Iraq war plays all right? I mean, I know we pulled it up the wazoo and it does seem believable in the most folks. I feel the same way about it is when Mr. Clinton first borrowed it up, you know, you really don't want to be fighting

with your wife in public about foreign policy. You know, and added plus is that it's a little tricky for the bushes to attack you for being soft on terrorism when you're out supporting their war. Okay, did they check the tape? I guess you're right. No, you know I'm right. And unlike that other big ally, Joel Lieberman, you know, you eat pork chops. How long does it take to check if it's slugging to tape? Well, onward down to media food chain, I guess. Yeah, right. I'll talk to you later, Mr. President. Thanks James. Hey, you're still here. I guess what I'm going to do underneath my jeans. I'm going to take a while leaping out, rage his guess and say a thong. You got that right. I heard what you were saying during the show. Well, that's good. I guess that means my mic was on. I was just wondering if you had, you know, any interest in, you know, parallel life with me? You know what, Alicia, that's very sweet. But I got a book signing tonight and I'm committed to staying until every customer gets a signed

copy, you know, so. Look, I'll just do it again. Jim Baker and White Tammy Faye got cancer and he didn't for the full hour tonight. But, but thank you for getting me to sign the waiver. Oh, that's okay. You signed it before the show too. Well, goodbye. Clear. I'll get back to the green room, Mr. President. Sure. So, they saw a little, Alicia put the move on you. Yeah, you know, she kind of did. But you didn't, I mean, you wouldn't. No, sir Larry, I waved off the play. Good for you. Yeah. Yeah, but it's sad. I resisted the temptation to have a little fling with that very attractive young woman for the most morally indefensible reason. Hey, you are getting introspective, Mr. President. What reason is that? Because I can't. You take care, Larry.

Useful angst and middle-aged powerlessness together they add up to Clinton something the Harlan years. Next, intimate tales of America's first underground vice president, the action-packed diary of the man who's less than a heartbeat away from history. Dick Cheney. Confidential. Just because a person is living the secure and disclosed lifestyle doesn't mean you can kick him around like so many homeless people's napsacks. That was the message we started sending loud clear this week when we weren't sending it via back channels. When I went to the

Senate floor and told Senator Pat Leahy to engage in anatomically improbable sexual act with himself, it was about as spontaneous as a John Kerry quip. Just our way of saying the gloves are off and there isn't another set of gloves on underneath. And although the immediate recipient was a Democrat senator, there were a number of my Republican colleagues on the blind copy list of that particular message. Because just before taking off on a little campaign drip called Operation Boost Carries Negatives, add some arms to twist in a place you'd think would be a little closer to home, a very own state department. They'd been superbly on message last April issuing an information product that terrorism incidents were way down. Now, for reasons unknown, they were engaging in some after the fact fact checking. I arranged to meet Coleman Powell on a secure and disclosed residential street for little 10 to 10 offensive Wednesday, 133 p.m.

You know, Mr. Vice President, I understand your need for security, but still my building is as secure as a Starless reputation. Coleman, don't kid a kidder. Your shop leaks like the Andrea Doria. Anybody in this neighborhood who is walking on this street probably thinks we're from the cable company. Relax. Enjoy the sunshine. Maybe your last opportunity. What is that? Some kind of bizarre threat? No, of course not. I'm just saying for all we know, it could crash into the earth tomorrow because of the lack of global warming or something. That's all. So look, my friend. I'm hearing some chatter about an updated terrorism report coming out of your shop. There's been some chatter, I guess. Most of it based on our press release about it. I guess the question just naturally pops up in this particular circumstance is an

updated report really necessary. Well, if your agency has put out a product with so many numerical discrepancies, you do what Halliburton does. You blame the accounts and you get different ones. You don't put out all you set of books. Well, I respectfully disagree, Mr. Vice President. The reputation of the U.S. State Department, which whether you like it or not is part of our government, is at stake. Leave that uncorrected report out there would be a terrible blow to our credibility. Yo, look, for starters, why don't you cram that respectfully stuff down your pie hole and crap it out of his crab cakes? Secondly, just when you're trying to impress with your all-important credibility, the bedwaters that you win, let's... Good morning. Is the mayor late again today? I guess so. Now I want to kiss my big white keyster. I'll just wait inside for the mayor, man. Thank you. Drinking friends, wherever you go. She's going to think twice before opposing administration policy in the future. Now as I was saying, let's not forget that our very own defense department has

taken somebody blows to credibility. You don't see Don Rumsfeld issuing corrected reports. That's true. I don't, but look, Mr. Vice President, I've already taken a bullet for this administration when I put forward that case at the U.N. Security Council. You know, I hate to bring it up, Mr. Powell. Pardon me if I get all pedantic on you, but you brought it up 47 times just in discussions with my people. Any day now we can find evidence that those vans really were what we said we knew they were. So, Dick, there's no way the corrected report isn't coming out. Hey, agreed. You think I want to stifle the free throw of accurate information? You must be thinking of some other Dick Cheney. I'm only saying that the damn thing doesn't necessarily have to be in such a damn hurry to come out. This information would still be pertinent in January, wouldn't it? Dick, I'm not coming back. These four months to the election of my legacy, a corrected terrorism report is a big part of that.

You know, Colin, I'm not sure anybody ever told you this, but you know who suggested the president elected? You'd be the first choice for Secretary of State in the first place. Hand, it wasn't Carl Rove. Was it you? Well, no, it was my deputy scooter, but look, big fella, let me cut it to the chase. You don't play softball with us on this. You're not going to be around the UN, come September to play cricket with all those butt munchers. You're threatening me? Why would I do that? I'm just saying this Supreme Court kicked the can on my energy task for secrets down past the election. I'm thinking you're kicking food as at least as good as Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Oh, thank God you're here. My keypad can't remember my password. Lady, go shove your own face in it. I've got me doing it. Look, I'm just saying give it some thought. The terrorists already know what they've done.

And the enemies of freedom don't care. If you get back to the office and after due consideration you feel like withholding the so-called corrected report good for you. If you don't, look, it's a free country. And you're free to take your very own delicate destiny and relocate it in the shadiest part of your own personal municipality. Well, I've given it some thought. Delaying the reporters an on starter, you've got to have a plan, Bay. No, we have a plan. Be all right. Here it is. You marry yourself and then you take yourself on a honeymoon to Vegas and you get yourself flippin' pregnant with twins. Okay, look, I'm calling my car. I've got to get back to the building before sundown when all the passwords change. How about this? We correct the numbers in the report. But we leave the words the same. Mr. Secretary and I mean this with the greatest possible respect. You can go to hell and be. You've got to deal.

This old profane outburst thing seems to be proving pretty productive so far. Some of my people think it doesn't really belong in my convention speech. But we'll see. In the meantime, it feels so good. And a partial diary for June 23rd, 2004. Sincerely yours. Dick Cheney. Confidential. Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes part one of The Year in Rebuke. That concludes this edition of La Show. The program returns next week at the same time over these same stations, MPR World Wide Threat. You're at the USN 440 cable system in Japan. Around the world through the American Forces Network up and down the East Coast of North America on WBC to the planet. Around the world on the Internet at two different locations. Harry Shear.com and KCRW.com is a free download at audible.com slash La Show.

And on serious satellite radio, Channel 108. La Show comes to you from century of progress. Productions and originates through the facilities of KCRW Santa Monica. A community recognized around the world as the home of the homeless, which is where the year in Rebuke will resume two weeks from today, so long from the French Quarter.