Come Together

off I go to the hospital and and I was being fed with a tube three inches above my heart and you know just it was just incredible and when you're laying on the bed and you're too weak to go to the bathroom and you're too weak to get up and you sit up and you black out you know you have a lot of time to think every day something new happened something that I wasn't aware of and I was just being hit from every direction conceivable it got so repetitive that I keep coming back to the hospital how many times were you in the hospital 33 times in and out at that time it was lawful for a couple of psychiatrists to get together in the hospital and arrange shock treatments for a person without notifying their parents without getting the consent of the person they're doing

it to well that happened and I got railroaded I went walking across the street to the maximum security place and I had 13 shock treatments I contended for many years that I wasn't sick Rick was in the merchant marine when he received a letter from the girl he loved ending their relationship that event triggered a severe anxiety reaction resulting in a psychotic break Rick was originally diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia a lot of the time I had fears of people being able to manipulate me telepathically or influence my thinking magically I still had these these feelings that somebody was out to get me

and I was on a guilt trip from my illness and I had I had this terrible experience of I would go to my friends and my family and everybody would say relax that's not so that's not right don't worry you're wrong and that's a humbling experience during that time there was a disenfranchise of friends and family a disgrace a loss of career a whole bum trip that was coming to grips with the fact that now I was a mental patient and nobody would trust me or respect me and the kinds of things that natural love brings to you were gone the trust the respect I'd always have been a high powered person and then to all of a sudden everything comes to a screeching halt it was overwhelming to be that sick and

to realize that that sickness was manifesting itself in a physical way but the seat of it was the emotions Kim's life fell apart when her husband nearly died after an operation her husband remains to this day in a nursing home where he suffers irreversible brain damage Kim struggled to keep her world together but the pressures caused her to have a complete emotional collapse there's a difference between normal female depression you know that comes every 28 days and you go oh god I think I'll take a hot bath and read a book and you get up and out of that depression organic depression is the type of depression you don't recognize that you are depressed and by not recognizing it and dealing with it and crying and screaming and getting angry and allowing myself to do all of those things I'd suppressed it so then when I physically got sick on top of it this is it I'm going to die there's no question and I knew it I just absolutely felt like this was it so I laid in bed and you know laid

in bed you know you can only count the spots on the ceiling so many times and I just kept feeling like you know I was going to die there was no my future was gone my hope of a future was gone the only thing that I had to hang on to one my three kids friends have a way of abandoning you when things like this happen because they cannot deal with the realities of it and it's not there you know I mean it's sad but you know it's a reality yeah and you can make excuses for that but it still hurts and if you don't allow yourself to feel the hurt which I wasn't allowing myself to do you know then you just are stuffing more garbage my thought in lane in the bed is that my God I'll end up being like my mother and I'll commit suicide and so there was a point there that I was very much afraid of being alone you know something that had never crossed my mind before I never crossed my mind of being afraid to be alone I like to be alone I like my time in space alone

but I was afraid to be alone so there was a period there where my kids would take turns sleeping with me and they also experienced that fear of being alone and you hear the colloquialisms that well God is testing you because you're a strong person and I think to myself wait a minute strong people have breaking points and I've reached my breaking point you know it would have been just as easy for me at that point in my life when everything came to a sudden halt and I was sick to commit suicide then it was to just lay there I didn't trust myself during that time and so to hear those kinds of things that God is testing you because you're a strong person and you're going to be better for this I think there's a bunch of garbage I don't believe in a God that is loving and merciful on one end who on the other end is zapping you you know with all these things that you're to be in a testament to I think that it's you know like Harold Kushner said bad things do happen to good people you know and it's a fact it doesn't have to do with whether you're being punished or

whether you're being tested or any of those things they happen it's life you know just like that you know where do you find the answers then when these bad things happen Kim I think you got to find them in terms of yourself I don't there isn't any you know you find them in terms of of yourself and your communication with your power that's greater than you however you choose to define that I was senior class president I was like I said it active really well socially a lot a lot of dates and stuff and pick most likely to succeed I didn't have any problems until I went to college and although my grades were going okay and I was active socially and everything inside I didn't feel right I was agitated I was frustrated Ken was a popular and model student in high school when he went to college in the 60s his behavior became bizarre and angry a chemical and psychological time bomb was ticking in his

brain can't experience severe bouts of manic depression and painful psychotic symptoms I was mad I was mad at society I was mad at my folks I was mad at my car I was mad at my friends everything I was just I stood alone and I was angry sometimes I get to where I think I'm right and everybody else is wrong and I got that from my childhood because I was left to make my own decisions about what time to be home who to go out with how much money to have in my pocket all that stuff and there is a tendency when you start out young when you should be given standards you broke that standard you have to stay home next weekend you can't go out because and then you pay your price and then you get back out there

and try again until you break another standard I didn't have any standards I made them all myself I was in a tavern I acted like and purposely acted like I was going to tear the whole place down at the puff of the wind and the lady naturally called the police the police came took me to jail from jail I went to the hospital for my first time back in 1966 what kind of problem did you have I didn't know all I knew was I had something inside of me that was burning suicide flowed through my mind several times why because I was unhappy I was alone I was estranged myself from all my friends I couldn't make new friends and I wasn't doing anything right I could get angry at the drop of a pin nobody wanted to be near me when that happens you feel all alone basically I'm a coward I didn't want a painful death I just wanted to die I didn't want anybody to care or grieve over me or anything I just wanted out period the symptoms that I encountered were frequent depression

feeling of hopelessness feeling of not being able to expect any joy or happiness in my life tasks just seemed so difficult so many things that seemed easy for other people around me just seemed so difficult you know how they get their work done every day how do they have energy to just keep going and keep living for Cheryl life was bleak the chemistry in her brain coupled with her low self image caused her profound depression sensitive and vulnerable life for Cheryl was constant sorrow at the time was not worth the effort it was you know it's just too much work to live responsibilities that would come along a new challenges that would need to be faced I just felt so it's sometimes just so incompetent to handle but yet I have this this job this title you should be able to do these things

comfortably and other people certainly believe that I could do them my friends realized how uncomfortably I met a lot of new situations and this discomfort was not necessary it was the fifth physician who finally listened to me and I told when I told them how depressed I was some just smile you know tapping on the shoulder just smile honey everything's going to be alright the doctor that I met and went to in Seattle was the first doctor to be treated me like a human being and I had doctors who thought that I should not know about my illness and should just get back to reality with all my efforts so I wasn't told much I was told to expect something but not a lot of information about my illness until I got to doctor color do you agree with that velocity Rick do you think doctor

should be with all time no I don't I think I think a patient should should study diligently as much as they possibly can about their illness and then it's not an unknown enemy it's hard to find help you can't just knock on your neighbor's door and get help and the bad news is you have to have determination to keep trying will you always hurt oh yeah there are experiences that you always remember as low points and there are experiences you always remember as high points the low points humble you and the high points feel you with pride how do you deal with the hurt inside of you I don't just live with that I guess you have to live with a constant pain I have the stigma with me now there are

a lot of good jobs that I would be turned down for because I have a mental or emotional history the pain changes but it's still there the reality is still there you you have a choice you can either grow from it you know or you can be buried by it and I feel that I'm growing from it but it doesn't it's still there you know it just changes you know when you go back and you relive it there is pain there you still feel the emotions and you know although you may not feel them as deeply or that they've changed because there's some time and space in between it's still there and I will sit and I will write and sometimes I cry sometimes I laugh too sometimes I can look back and I can go good grief you acting so dumb then you know playing super woman conquering the world doing all these marvelous things what an idiot you know why couldn't you see that you needed a chance to be human

yeah and you got to be able to laugh at yourself the doctor with whom Rick finally found compatibility urged him to attend David's harp a day treatment center for the mentally ill at the center patients are encouraged to develop lost skills in socialization I was turned over to Dr. Cutler for therapy and he recommended David's harp and I was reluctant and he referred me here and insisted that I come and give it a try and he had written up a treatment plan and

had listed 13 chronic problems I had things like talking to myself incessant pacing like so there was this list of 13 problems and I came to the harp and I got gradually more involved with it and after two weeks of daily attendance nine out of my 13 problems were gone and we argued about it he said you can't get rid of that many symptoms that quickly but they've gone there's a lot of love between the people who come to the harp and helping people rebuild themselves is very rewarding to see the improvements made by people who they're not always giant steps you know we had a lady that came for a year and would sit in the corner and smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and all of a sudden she just opened up and started talking to me and telling me her life story and gets into conversations with people those kind of things are rewarding very rewarding and now it's okay to be ill it's okay to have been ill and it's okay to make mistakes that'll be good days too

the Kim one of the many activities leading to her recovery was to take a volunteer role as musical director of a play at her own children's parochial school I started taking care of myself yeah I started taking care of myself physically I started taking care of myself mentally emotionally and spiritually giving myself permission for me to be human and that's a hard thing to do when that hasn't been part of your life it's always been my area to give other people permission to be human but it has not been okay for me to be human for the first time in my life I'm in the business to take care of me why did you succeed because I tried you know that's it's as simple as that if you don't try you never have a chance of knowing whether you succeed or not is that part of the risk yeah that's the risk it

takes work you know it's it takes gut searching work and it's not easy a lot of it is extremely painful what I have to do now is got to figure out what's going on in my head that is manifesting itself this way and I've got to go well and you're going to oh yeah definitely I'm going to be getting weller for the rest of my life one day at a time and then I since then been seeing a psychiatrist did he put you on medication immediately that was four years ago and from that I'm off now Cheryl how do you feel about yourself now it's been the difference between night and day I mean I can I can stay even now and without trying it just happens a fourth grade teacher in the Portland public school system Cheryl feels she is better able to recognize potential emotional problems in her students because of the very pain she herself experienced what I

began to feel on myself was that I was another human being in this world I had my I have a place I I have just as much a place as anyone else you are much better able to give love now I think to give healthy genuine love one has to love oneself I believe I believe one can give love I do I've always given lots of love but in the quality of it and the reality of it is so much creative now it's to me it's I we can't feel it or touch it but it's a very tangible thing this happens to an awful lot of people an awful lot of people and they're not aware what's happening to them and that there is help you know there are places and people that you can turn to call me I don't care what's the bad news Kim the bad news is that it takes some work and you have to be willing to risk working to make yourself better I had more help than I had hurt

and when I would finally run into help or have help the hurt went away real fast Kim how do you feel about yourself now great you feel great I'm going back to that 20-year class reunion like I'm a winner a lot of those people will have the two cars in the garage the four kids in the bedrooms and and the wife and the good job and all that but I feel just as proud as they are do you feel you really know yourself I know myself more and deeper than I ever could have if it hadn't been for this experience I'm stable I feel healthy and I feel secure not too many people can say that in conjunction with Friendly House Club 53 is another day treatment center dealing with the mentally ill according to Ann Bethewn director of the Club 53 program Ken is a model for those suffering comparable problems his example helps them fight

their way back to mental health just a lot of a lot of helping good honest people getting together at the same time I mean I made connections when I got out of the hospital I didn't do it alone I did it at the day treatment program for two years I did it a Club 53 for two years and I still go to counseling the purpose of life is to enjoy and I I've permission not to do that no one no one no one no one no one needs to stay sad or depressed it is just not necessary that is not the way we are programmed to live we're programmed to enjoy and happiness and peace and to be experiencing anything less than that is far less than we should be doing if one would get involved in the psychotherapeutic process there are times when when it seems like you would wish you had not it's too much trouble it's too much work it's too much pain

it takes too long but hang in there keep you know honestly don't give up you know might take years but it is worth it it is worth every ounce of energy every pain you feel every penny you spend it's worth it some good advice I got was it's a bad dream you wake up in the morning and don't ever tell yourself that you don't need help don't be afraid to reach out for help don't be afraid to reach out for help and don't be afraid of a bad dream there'll be good dreams too I love life I enjoy being alive I didn't at that time okay and that's and that was a reality but still there was something inside of me that said it wasn't you know God speaking to me and saying I'm going to punish you for eternal damnation or something like that if you should do this it was like oh God I am afraid that I don't really trust myself that my mind is wandering and I'm cognizant of that fact that it is and it would be easy for me

it would be a cop out but I'm not going to take it because if I take that cop out then I will have in fact denied everything that I've been preaching for years and so I'm just not going to do it but you better stand here and hold me because I need to cry but you can't give up there's open doors around you gotta find an open door don't stop looking because you don't find one the best advice that I could give would be to say you can beat mental illness maybe not by yourself but with the help that comes you can beat it it's no disgrace to be mentally ill seek counseling and if medication is involved it's not a weakness it's a wisdom to take it is there anything about you Rick that makes you different oh wow

wow those people that get to know me like me and have a lot of good things to say about me I never say die you have to keep your eye on the horizon anyone who wants to can succeed the one who has to be there and the belief that it can happen you don't necessarily have the belief that it can happen right away but as you experience the small successes along the way ultimately you realize yeah I can know I can be successful and I can be better forever can't if you had a child how would you raise him so as to avoid the problems you've had to face I think if I had a child I would try to give him the most security in his younger life that I could possibly do the and and that would be by giving him stepping stones of

responsibilities and expectations so that at all times he or she would know where they stood there would be no guesswork I play with my kids which I wasn't played with I spent a lot of time with them an awful lot of time and I love my kids they're just super neat people I don't look at that at them as being kids so much as being just really three unique individuals are you physical with them oh yeah there isn't no that is one thing that I that I made a commitment to myself I lacked loving when I was growing up and I don't believe that it isn't it is enough to be told that you are loved and I was told that I was loved but I was never held and I don't think that that's right either it's not enough to nurture your body to be told that you're loved at a distance you have to feel loved and you cannot feel love if you don't touch you have to touch the United Nations did a study on severe cross-cultural study on severe mental illness and they found that in non-western countries they don't have

mental illness they don't have psychiatrists and they don't have medications and five years after the initial episode people are working and fulfilling the roles in their families and that doesn't mean those people aren't getting anything and getting better they're just as crazy as we are what they're getting is something and the only thing that they could find in the study was the attitude of the community people treat mental illness like any other illness they treat it like a broken leg or the measles you're sick you're gonna get over it and with that faith and the belief themselves that it's a temporary thing that's all they need to fulfill their roles traditionally in this country mental illness has been treated as a taboo subject our fears of mental illness have made us want to push the problem out of sight but mental illness can happen to anyone for years the mentally ill we're confined without hope of recovery today that has changed breakthroughs in chemical therapy and enlightened psychiatric treatment offer the mentally

ill hope for a chance to return to normal living it saddens me to see someone else hurting especially when they don't have the resources to make it better that's what I think what makes me say out oh what gives me joy I I joy in seeing growth in others I I get joy from the beauty of nature I get joy from feeling loved and I get great joy from my love being saved there were times I remember had to fight just to hold my head up those times when even my friends tried to make a fool there were things in my heart that they just couldn't see

the sun said I was walking my tango in the night strong hearts just keep going that is why I'm still standing here today come together raise up your forces this time my song of love life won't go away I'll sing forever here in the sunshine I've lived to see the sun break through the storm I'm so glad I'm standing here today