Neil Gladstone; 2.0

Hello and welcome to the new Gladstone introns radio show a weekly half hour of comedy and music each week. We invite you to a region of your mind you usually manage to avoid. I'm Neil Platt St. I'm Audrey Perkins. And I'm Fred Child. Tonight we'll take you to the jungles of Nicaragua for an interview with a different kind of freedom fighter. Join crack private investigator Nick Kristoff as he does battle with the six legged adversary. We'll pay a visit to a psychiatrist with a rather unorthodox view. We'll also hear a song about the virtues of somnolent fastidiousness. And we'll take a journey through Neil's subconscious mind as we hear a dream about the adventures of a particular bacteria. But first a word from our sponsor. I'm a. Bubble Boy and I ask. I raced cars for a living. Pressure to make. The work up. Why. Leave. Me. Right why. It stopped the older. Rich guy.

With patented pore clogging formula. Permanently shuts my. Office. Down. Pitstop meals. Like. RAM so señora. Her. No way. To stop. Render. Wham bam lands on the rhino horn. Make light of my love Bobby. And when I have a problem on the track and I have to make an emergency stop you can bet the crew appreciates my joy. Ride. I. Made. Never. When you read stuff. They'll something about American who has to guess. I'm sure they'll be just

as much to call someone back. I don't know. The wrong the fellow but when it comes to both sides of the bridges to put out the wrong by having over a boot with the Levys it is you know sometimes people pass me for the secret that I hope do I meet those young hearts skip a beat. When. I sleep. Need. Me to sleep. Meaning provide the link between you I hope that some of this is what I so I don't need to. When it comes to the bedroom heading into my training it is related to a lot so there is this place you meet now most mimus and die than live there. For they try so hard. It always seemed. Like you know of course really to their frustration. Because nothing could move the

Ludwig a bit like the floor. When you wake up go to the crane like you did the night before and this is the role you'll go there in the black for the lies of the Bush people still. Sleep needs. Nice to. Meet. Me. Nothing wrong. With. Thinking this thing is. Wrong. True. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Now everyone sees the whole bloody pleasure. For the just one

thing leads me to go. For. The job you sure you should live together. Noticeable till the dawn of this is said the words to say to him told him that there is a plus but it is a couple of Bedouins as it is in the logs of his the way he's had to submit a good living. And sleeping. Through. Some. Things. You need. To be. Done. By thoughtlessness. Has nothing at all never through his eyes. Why do I sleep. What can I say.

Reporters Sergio's Wayne is here with a special story from his trip to Central America. He should be along any minute now. In the meantime. We'll take a look at the weather. We can expected to get colder as it gets later. And we can also in America Erica. Sergio Sergio That's the third time he's walked by Sergio in here. What really ought to fix a lock in that bathroom. I understand that you just got back from a trip to Nicaragua. Indeed six days ago I received an anonymous phone call from a man who told me that Flores Mendoza the commander of the contra

freedom fighters had decided to grant me an exclusive interview. My only hesitation was that I had planned to play tennis on Friday with my friend Harry. Luckily I was able to reschedule my contact in a gulp it was easy to spot. He seemed aggravated that I was late and refused to carry my suitcase. A Jeep was waiting that was driven by a slim dark woman in uniform. She was pretty cute. I had the sense that she thought I was pretty cute too. We left immediately and drove directly into the jungle. I was tied up and blindfolded. I repeatedly asked where we were going but no one would answer. In an effort to gain the confidence of my companions I began to sing the only Spanish love song I know. Finally I was gagged as well. We rode for almost an hour. My allergies began acting up and I was having trouble breathing with a gag over my mouth.

I was beginning to wish that I had played tennis with Harry instead. After 45 minutes or so we stopped and got out of the jeep. The blindfold was taken off but they left the gag on. We continued on foot. It was extremely muddy and my oxfords were covered almost immediately. We came to a clearing or a makeshift camp had been thrown together. We were approached by a strikingly handsome man dressed in white. He took off my gag and extended his hand. Here now is the remarkable interview that followed. Did you have a good ribeye may go really well. Biogs words a rude my allergies are acting as driver all that hair look bad on me go you know we have something to clear John Norris. Well yes he did very good for I love Jesus would use it he an Indian jungle for our allergies.

If frenzies go that I know it is you know as I visible the byline that is that. Yeah yeah that's yeah that's yeah you know I mean go try some of these in Jordan or whether you do it. Well you just put some powder there on your finger you know and then you put it up to your nose and you go sniff it like. Yeah yeah yeah that's right Mack. As it looks like you want some coffee is a decaf. Decaf. What do you mean they got. The coffee with the deal the cafe didn't take it out. To mean do you think the goth scene out of the Gulf. You know wait a minute you know I got I'm by one of their ways I never understand you should probably cut down your around weapons and it's not good for or does us good advise mine yeah yeah I've got I got a knot thank you very much. You know the way that that. Allergy medicine. Yeah we're truly Well you bedroom there. My nose is clear and I feel.

I feel pretty good I don't I think you will like it. I thought you would like it. Well Colonel why don't we get down to business and tell me why you've asked me to come here. Well did you bring the money. What money you money you Norman is a day's Friday legalize mending greenbacks. The goal of this Iland to go on you know all the money. I didn't bring in money I bought my Mastercard. It's all I need. I'm the reporter the reporter of the one you asked to come down here. Re borked our MA I didn't ask for no reward. Don't we don't. Want you Colonel Mendoza. The contra leader no more I I do. Guy from the CIA was supposed to bring the money. The CIA. No my name Sergio's Wein freelance report on your not CIA. I France is calling me I look at measure of us a step in the hall. Don't rub the wrong guy man. This CIA dude is probably still back at the airport.

You better go get him your local gas is. They did spend they whole with you. Hey wait a minute wait a minute. I'm a reporter. I came all the way down here to do an interview. I should have never left the room. I have a huge listening audience. There must be some way that an interview with me could benefit you. Yeah what kind of people listen to your show and. People who drink beguiles. Wait a minute there are very sophisticated gated Monday they do mean leave but I lace What are you trying to say liberals as if you're trying to say. Yeah but I was really but Alice. Well I imagine a lot of them are sure anybody as well. I tell you what I'm going to loom first I'm going to give you an interview and then I'll take you out in the jungle and shoot you. We'll talk about that later.

First of all I'd like to ask you a few questions. Yeah who are you people and where do you come from. We come from New York City man. Was just huge We have port Daniels we're from we're born and he's ready I've got Puerto Rican to find a job in New York City these days. So a bunch of my brothers got together and decided to come to Niigata. Why would you do that. To a sea of us biggest bunnies you know and say that you want to fight in the Sandinistas. Did United Staes government gives you money. You mean you started this army just because you needed a job. I did that's why most people joined the Army man against you didn't know. Yeah but you have to kill people. Doesn't that bother you a lot I mean or we don't gain no laddy you're seeing there. We like this and then these this and we have a lot in common with them. The United States is trying to take over their government so that many can businessmen can call me in and set up businesses and put people

to work for cheap labor. That's dissin thing that happened in both Tonico and that's why we left more Dori Gold to come don't know York because we couldn't find a decent job in are all gone. Then we couldn't find a job in New York either. So we decided to go MIA. You mean the U.S. is paying you to fight the Sandinistas. But you're really not fighting them at all. Jewel got it on her way. That's incredible. The fact is that you're really helping to send the nieces but taken the money that was supposed to go to the Contras sad fact dawned. So that's where all that missing money is going I know Gnome today you're not those bill before exiting. So you guys are nothing more than mercenaries except you don't do anything. No my friend we do plenty. We are defending the right of the new guy one people to self-determination. And we are protecting them from outside interference. And at the same time. We are easing the unemployment problem in New

York City. We are gone that are going to rest. We are against the going to the US. I don't believe this and everything like we need all the help we can get on the go. So this is what I want you to tell your people that they can send money to me directly. They don't have to go the long way around. And has he come out of their taxes. You are sending money to me had a role in the post office by Pay do it you can't do that this is my interview. They're releasing them illegal. Are you in a position to argue with me now send the money to me. Heck don't roll in now. Black's Post Office Box 2 0 9 they got you good by airport and thank you very much. That's the end of the interview. Goes By Have a nice three back and I hope you can find your way. Hey wait wait a minute ever and I will wait when I say I mean if you want allergy medicine Lisa and the

guy from yes. You know I had another dream. Yeah yeah I dreamed I came back as a bacterium in a can of pork and beans right now.

Yeah I lived on top of the pile somewhere near the edge of the can. Can was my whole universe. Did you do any traveling. Much I never really left the bean I was born on. Well how did you know where you were. Can I. Word of mouth mostly. Yeah well what was it like at your particular being. Well it was pretty much like the others. My skin slimy and smelled like boiled tomato. It was usually around 79 degrees. Perfect for our species. Sort of like why. But it didn't last. You know what happened when they were just sitting around multiplying when suddenly there was this enormous roar and a blast of intense wind. Whoa was that someone opened the can. Scary. Then there was a violent

earthquake. Or I guess I should say being quake terrified. Anyway we turned completely upside down and plummeted into a crockpot. Next thing I knew we were being stirred painful. Then our environment was diluted with mustard onions and brown sugar. You know. We can't live long in those conditions. What did you do. Not much we could do. What happened then. Well our function started to shut down the first one to go it was a reproduction. I shan't tell me about it that are amino acids because and oxygen. And then well the temperature started to rise significantly. Man that's the last thing I remember. Why did you go into the walk up. I can use Yeah.

One thing's for certain Let's never forget the sight of all those distant rolling beans and rice to beautiful. It's time for another episode of just awful lot private.

I call on the phone or or or or. It was a beautiful day. I stepped on my back porch and gazed out over my garden. The hot July sun beating down on the compost filled the air with the rich full body to roam of rotten eggs and stale coffee grounds. I waded into the yard to death thinking my way through the fresh Manoora piles in search of a vegetable Lord who saw me. I sensed something was wrong. I. Don't do work in a gardening for 18 months without picking up a keen sense of the cosmic balance between yin and yang. And Yang

was definitely truncated. I trained I began to scan the area with the accuracy of a laser systematically cutting a second arc from my golden glow early Batum hybrid brussel sprout by the fence. To my great hoop will be 140 cross-train radishes by the shuffleboard court. It was a subtle color variation I might have missed but for my years of training as a military camouflage expert that tipped me off. I squinted slightly focusing my perfect shark whose irises. And then I saw. The hostile alien force dedicated to the destruction of all that is sacred to the American way of life. They're perched arrogantly atop the shrivelled stub of my country virgin sweet hard tomato plant was a large MLM not blissed Beemer Roe groom and ordinary grasshopper to the untrained eye but to those of us in horticulture and in sitting in school who are fully capable of

destroying life as we know it on this planet. Without a second's thought of danger to myself I leapt into combat in my arms and legs flailing in the ritualized style so systematically implanted by my years of torture was training me in the marital arts by secluded militant yogis that her teacher countered with a little get pretty good maneuver characteristic a 14th century black Russian and it was no ordinary street fighter. I definitely count of the insects menacing events of the series of Greece will pollute the marché if only then did my worthy opponent fully comprehend the gravity of his situation with a large drop of Brown you've got to begin to think he was from his generals. My eyes are like digits exploded through the air with pinpoint accuracy grasping the despicable creature by his ridiculous in court of knees and plucking him from the ravaging virgins his own horrible armored legs tore at the air in a grotesque. Second the belly the

stench from his polluting spittle combined with a rotten eggs coffee grounds and manure in an excruciating olfactory montage that rival the sewage camps of raw just on it was more than I could bear to. Overcome with the rage of disgust. I bellow of the engine Swahili battle cry I. Am overcoming every imaginable hue with the impulse I carried out my Yogi masters most sacred directive but I'm up to the abominable are pro-pot mto by about swallowing the whole Bama shtum battle weary. I dashed back into the house where a quick lunch of the liver had today and a can of diet at Sea Org old tune in next week for morning. Her. World.

War Oh the war. Just my contre. Yeah like Neil was rolling were all set to go you know go ahead for that one. OK it's time to talk to a psychiatry list. But if that was good it's all right and right ones. OK. Well I like that I don't like that one that's better. OK let's cue that one. Let's do it once more. Really give it some good energy good mental hygiene you know. OK. It's time to do it so I cut adrift.

Here's the good doctor. Almost. With me. Hello everyone. When developer to talk to us like I attest I'm Dr. crackup Chapelle but I can say our first letter today comes from Louisville Kentucky. Warrant it says Dear Dr. character. I've been happily married was 17 years. Recently we bought a dog. At first I didn't like the dog but as time went on I became more and more attached to it. Now it turns out that I love the dog more than my wife. What should I do. Zein madly in love. Louisville Kentucky. Dear medley you are suffering from a condition known as Candace. I'm Morris you have to

decide between your wife and your dog. You can't have both if you desired to save your marriage. You should stop using the dog as soon as possible. You would have a dozen but a nice will take care of it. But whatever you do you must give up any hope of ever seeing that dog again. On the other hand if you desired you can't give up the dog you will have to give up your wives or go and live with the dog out in the country Zambia because as a serious relationship that dog needs plenty of room. Otherwise the dog feels too cooped up. Wanted might very well have run off with another person. Our next crimes have all Michigan it says Dr. crack up. There has been lately I lot of talk about sex. What does Ziff sex mean designed. You just do your confuse. They have sex is when you

have a big lock on the door so you feel safe. All right that's all the time we got here today. I madam would crack up. Next time one doctor was like I just want to have a good day. We. Want you to.

Be. Well I can see by the old clock on the wall that it's just about time to return to normal. The show was written by Neil Gladstone theme music by Neil Gladstone voice characterizations this week by Neil Gladstone hairy ox and handler played Doctor crackup and Hector Ruane on the show was produced by Neil Gladstone Fred Child and Audrey Perkins. This is bread child. I'm Audrey Perkins and I'm Neil Gladstone. Hope you join us next week for the Neal Gladstone radio show.