WGBH Radio; The Callie Crossley Show

I'm Cally Crossley and this is the Cali crossover show. Turkey turducken tofurkey course may vary from household to household on Thanksgiving but one traditional side dish is ever present. Family drama served right alongside the cranberry sauce the classic ingredients are the uncle who drinks too much. The spats between siblings. Is it any wonder that experts say Thanksgiving is one of the most stressful family gatherings. Our advice maven Margo Howard author of the on line column Margo offers practical solutions to beating the stress and making it through Turkey Day still speaking to your family later return to our contributors Sheryl Julian and Jonathan also up for a tasty conversation about food and wine to enhance your Thanksgiving feast. Up next. Thanksgiving double helpings strategies for surviving family drama and tips for serving up a sparkling holiday. First the news. From NPR News in Washington I'm Janine Herbst. If North Korea attacks

again the South is warning it will unleash what it calls an enormous reaction. Those comments after the North and South exchanged fire earlier today. North Korea shelled an island near the two country's disputed borders killing two South Korean marines. Meanwhile Congressional leaders from both parties are joining the White House in condemning North Korea's attack. President Obama and Vice President Biden visited a Chrysler auto plant in Kokomo Indiana in just a few minutes. NPR's Don Gonyea reports the visit is aimed at showing that the government bailout of the auto industry saved jobs and kept automakers from being liquidated. Kokomo has been a car town as long as anyone can remember it was hit hard by the economic downturn and Chrysler and GM has troubles. Unemployment top 20 percent last year but now it's improved to just under 13 percent. Plants that might have been lost are up and running. That's what Mr. Obama will highlight today when he tours a Chrysler factory. The city is still struggling but the president who will be joined by Vice President Biden will say that federal help to an industry in crisis made a

turnaround in Kokomo possible. Don Gonyea NPR News and the president is expected to speak in about a half hour. A powerful winter storm is slamming the Pacific Northwest as people in eastern Washington state brace for a rare blizzard this early. Putting thousands of people in the dark at least three deaths have already been blamed on the storm blowing snow slick roads and temperatures in the mid 20s are also causing traffic problems. The U.S. economy grew a bit more than expected the Commerce Department upgraded the country's third quarter growth to two and a half percent that's up from 2 percent. But as Danielle Karson reports the pace of the growth is still too slow to turn around the weak labor market. Americans amped up their spending almost three percent the most in four years. Government spending and business investment were also stronger. So for now two and a half percent growth is solid enough that the economy isn't slipping back into recession. It's just creeping along. And that's the problem. Societe Generale economist Brian Jones we really do need to grow at a more rapid clip if we're going to make a tilting at you know an appointment structure but there have to be some

encouraging signs stood up of people filing initial claims has been trying to lower the economy needs to shift into a higher gear and grow at three and a half percent for several quarters to chip away at the jobless rate. But analysts expect the economy will continue to grow well below that for the rest of the year. For NPR News I'm Danielle Karson in Washington. And sales of existing homes fell more than expected last month down 2.2 percent. The National Association of Realtors says the housing market continues to battle tough economic conditions including high unemployment and tight credit. The median price for a home sold in October was one hundred seventy thousand five hundred dollars. That's down one tenth of a percent from a year ago. Stocks sharply lower on Wall Street the Dow down 137 points at this hour the Nasdaq is down 37 points the S&P 500 down 15. This is NPR. A new study shows a pill already used to treat HIV infection. Turns out to be a powerful drug in protecting healthy gay men from catching the virus that causes AIDS. The pill cuts the risk of infection by 44 percent even if doses are missed by those who took the

pail filled rather daily had a 73 percent lower risk of HIV infection. The pill could be pricey for some at more than $30 a day. And a new report by U.N. aid shows the AIDS epidemic has been halted and the world is beginning to reverse the spread of HIV. Lisa Schwein reports from Geneva a U.N. aide says new infections have fallen by nearly 20 percent in the last 10 years. The report finds at least 56 countries have stabilized or achieve significant declines in rates of new HIV infections. Sub-Saharan Africa continues to be the region most affected by the epidemic. But even there you were an AIDS expert Paul DeLay says great progress is being made so far. Twenty two countries in sub-Saharan Africa show greater than a 25 percent decline. And students. And this is happening in the general population particularly in youth. But the news is not uniformly good. The report finds a steep increase in new HIV infections and AIDS related deaths in Eastern Europe and Central

Asia mainly due to injecting drugs. For NPR News I'm Lisa in Geneva. Well details are coming out Prince William and his fiance Kate Middleton have chosen a place and a date for their wedding. It will take place at the 1000 year old Westminster Abbey on April 29. That's where the queen was married. The palace says the royal family in the bride's parents will cover the cost of the nuptials minus security. I'm John Herbst NPR News in Washington. Support for NPR comes from the Overbrook foundation supporting Catalog Choice dot org a nonprofit service that allows customers to decide which catalogs to receive in the mail. Good afternoon I'm Kelly Crossley and this is the Kelly Crossley Show T minus two days in counting millions of Americans are traveling this week to be with family and friends for Thanksgiving. And if history is any indication many of them are heading right into the holiday drama of old feuds high expectations and disappointments.

Advice maven Margo Howard is here to offer some practical solutions for coping with the stress. Margo is the author of Dear Margo a column featured on the website. Wow oh wow dot com. And syndicated in 200 newspapers. Welcome back Margo Hi dear listeners do you love your family but dread the upcoming drama. Could you use some help with the holiday delimit give us a call at 8 7 7 3 0 1 89 70 8 7 7 3 0 1 89 70. So Margo let me start this way. Why are holiday OK Asians particularly meals like Thanksgiving so stressful. Well part of it has to do with expectations. No matter what was going on a lot of people think it was just heavenly and perfect when they were young. Even if it wasn't so they're expecting it to be warm and wonderful. And the older people get in families the more baggage they have collected and also most celebrations. Unless you are of the Mormon faith involve alcohol.

And that loosens up everybody and and for some reason that allows to come forward. Old few old grudges things that you did to people when you were seven and not everybody in every family gets along to begin with and there they all corralled in one room and saw the whole thing about trying to remember it as it was is that some fantasy we have in our mind most of us somewhat. For some people it's genuine. There were lovely memories and no fighting and everybody loved each other but I think the other is more the case. Well we thought we'd have some fun just thinking about some of the popular culture and the way that it's dealt with these family issues this Thanksgiving. So we have a scene from a movie called What's cooking. And this is a 2000 the year 2000 comedy and a family is reunited at Thanksgiving and the daughter has an announcement for her family.

This is something that you. And I really really want. Well I'm pregnant. Wow that's. Crazy. I mean having a baby. When you know they're great if. You're a lesbian. Watch. What they say. And. Thank you. For. Being you don't want to follow. It doesn't matter. Oh of course it matters what if I love it when I get rid of the child without a father. So she waited to get to share this secret Margot. The number one thing you should not do I'm tell you if this girl had been married and a son in law was sitting there it would have been perceived entirely differently. That's a good point. But I love that because everybody at the table is flipping out. Listeners love your family dread the upcoming drama call us at 8 7 7 3 0 1 8 8 9 seventy 8 7 7 3 0 1 89 70.

I'm looking at your column just recently called thinking ahead to cranberry sauce and a woman writes that she's already stressing about Thanksgiving because her mother passed away and her just without asking her took over of the holiday meal her mother and always done it and she had hoped to carry on that tradition. Is this something you hear over and over every year. Yes to territorial rights come into big holiday dinners. Although I think the woman's out of her mind I would pay anybody anything to be a guest and not be the hostess. I have never hosted a Thanksgiving dinner let's put it that I never never shall always I guess the same way I've I've never been a bridesmaid always a bride. OK well you're living a whole other world. You're not going to. In that universe. But along with the territorial situation comes the difficulty of split loyalties. Say your in-laws are both two sets of in-laws are both within say a hundred miles. So that's if he so I've come

out on the side of alternating years. If everybody from both sides of a marriage can't get together then alternate years. You know one of the things that you know we're laughing I was I was laughing a little bit about you know this letter but you know there's a depth of loss going on there in addition to the sudden change so there's a change because her mother is not there. And now you're saying you're taking away the meal where you know what I was accustomed to going to with my mother. So it really takes on more weight than it might any other circumstance it would have been a rite of passage this this young woman said I don't know whether it made it into the printed letter that she had always looked forward to taking it over from her mother. And this particular young woman I said because it's your mother sister she won't be around forever and you might say to her How about you and I alternate years again the alternating is a very good answer. Well this also speaks to you know families on any other day not just Thanksgiving

don't tend to do so well in communicating Christmas. With each other so nobody talked about what would happen if the circumstance you know came forth. A lot of assumptions going on there. So I'm sure the OP felt like well I'm you know I'm the next in line well I'm also I'm you know standing in for my sister so yeah you know this should make my day Ted had a claim on it. It's just interesting to me. I recall that in my own family and we have a lot of great cooks in our family my aunts for years had carried the bulk of the meal. And finally my cousin who now owns her own restaurant said you know ladies and gentlemen this is ridiculous we're all too grown. So we had I order red. Well that's your. So we should take over this meal. But even in that and all of that made since my aunts initially resisted. Well no no we can do it we can do is this is crazy we're all grown let us do it now. You know like Halle some people entertain easily and some do not. And I am in the know well I think if you joy it and it's fun and all of that and I also

think that they thought again back to that tradition. They were there were some lost their they would be giving up more but the first year we did it one of my aunts said Why do I do this before this is great I took a bubble bath. I have to do a thing which she really enjoyed. Well let's have another look. Listen to a film clip that I think is interesting. And that's because so many people are invited to various strays are invited to Thanksgiving meals and you end up sometimes with a motley crew. An interesting mix of folks around the table. This is from a movie called Dinner for Schmucks Steve Correll who's a comedian and Pollin the hell could they get away with naming a movie that well there you go That's Hollywood for you. Steve Carell and Paul Rudd star in this 2010 comedy Dinner for Schmucks And in this scene they're having dinner with some Scandinavian guests. Where are you from. Yeah from Switzerland. They're you know what we're going to focus on business and I love Switzerland it is one of my favorite countries.

I love your army knives with the toothpicks and your cheese does the cheese come out of the cow with the holes. Our countries are not enemies. They are friends. We are friends. You have been to Switzerland. No but I have a friend who drives a fall. Funny so much is going on there including the shouting as if these people can't hear them. By the way listeners our number is 8 7 7 3 0 1. Eighty nine seventy eight 7 7 3 0 1. Eighty nine seventy. Don't be ashamed we know you have some family drama that you're preparing for a call and you've got advice maven Margo Howard here. She can give you some help. So make use of her while she's here with us you know you mention strays. I've always called that occasion Thanksgiving for strays and they're very valuable allies because if you have a family where there's a lot of commotion and internation warfare outsiders sort of

they're all there a buffer and they they put the brakes on people who otherwise might unload because they're outsiders there. And also it's a nice change from just your family. It makes it more of a dinner party. But if you have Scandinavian guests probably best not to ask them about the night. By the fall. You know it seems a little small but ok. I want to get back to the tradition as I think a driver for a lot of holiday drama because I'm recalling that in my own life there was a couple of years there my sister tried to change the meal and I was no you can't what are you talking about you cannot change to me has to be exactly the same is not exactly the same Something is wrong. And I just kept thinking that in that's the meal but in every other part of the holiday thing when people arrive how they should be served. If you have several places to stay as we do which you stay with all of that kind of stuff comes to the fore and it becomes a real thing if people don't

don't want to talk about it. It's old stuff. The relative of yours who want to change the male may have wanted to strangle you is a six year old. OK. That's probably true. Abby from Bedford Go ahead please. OK. I have a question regarding a relative of mine who goes out of his way to bully people and start a fight just basically teasing you know nothing is really nasty. But just picking and picking and picking until people finally can't stand it anymore and this is a problem that has been going on for decades. And I have a pretty good way of dealing with it for Thanksgiving. But I would love to hear other ideas. The way I deal with it is by inviting a whole lot of people including non family members. And that seems to dilute the strength of the drama inclined people.

That's the buffer but the buffer right and everybody seems to be on better behavior when it's not just a family. So as I said that's the way I deal with it for Thanksgiving. It's not perfect but it's pretty good. But I'm interested if there are other ideas for other kinds of family gatherings or indeed for Thanksgiving itself. Thanks Abby. Well there is an alternative to inviting the mob scene from Quo Vadis to calm this man down. The one I've had this letter many times before. It's either at a wedding or Thanksgiving or Christmas where there are somebodies. I won't say funny uncle because that has another meaning but some relative who is just argumentative often with the help of lubrication. And I think if enough if he makes enough enemies at these gatherings that you should just leave him out and that I know that's harsh but anybody who cannot behave in a group. I don't think should be included.

If I could follow up Margo do you think that this person knows he's doing this or is he just clueless and this. I think it must be part of his personality. And the woman caller said that he he. How did she put it. He bullies. Yes. And I don't think she's able to understand that what I had just because it's woven into his personality. And then there are people who will say the most awful things and then say Just kidding. And we know that they're not just kidding. OK. All right well there's more to talk about with this because there's plenty going on at the holiday table not all of it fun. We're talking about Thanksgiving family drama. My guest is Margo Howard author of the dear Margo advice column on the website Wow a well done and syndicated in 200 newspapers. She's taking your calls to help you figure out how to prevent an emotional food fight at Thanksgiving. Are you bracing for a family feud. Give us a call at 8 7 7 3 0 1 89 7 here or send us a tweet. We'll be back after this break. Stay tuned.

Eighty nine point seven. The. Support for WGBH comes from you. And from Citizens Bank. We believe that good citizenship is good business. It's a simple philosophy with a profound impact. You can learn more at Citizens Bank dot com slash good banking. Good banking is good citizenship. And from Subaru of New England offering the totally redesigned 2010 Subaru Outback with symmetrical all wheel drive. Dealer listing at New England Subaru dot com. And from Brussels a family tradition for over one hundred and thirty years. With Thanksgiving centerpieces candles and decor plus 20 decorated Christmas trees in the gift and toy shops. Russell's garden center Route 20 in Wayland. People with aging dogs often have to deal with their pets dementia and incontinence

and struggle with end of life decisions on the next FRESH AIR we talk with veterinarian and animal behaviorist Nicholas Dodman. His new book Good Old Dog is about how to keep an aging dog healthy and comfortable. Join us for the next FRESH AIR. This afternoon it to an eighty nine point seven WGBH WGBH radio and television reporter Jared Bowen on what he thinks qualifies as real news. I think that real news is things that make you think. See appreciate and perhaps most importantly be startled in your own existence. Do you agree. Tell WGBH what real news means to you by giving your opinion at real news WGBH dot org. Where will they go out of oxygen. Well they have so many people that I can treat the world. I mean it's not an easy decision for anyone to make. Coming up at 3 o'clock on an eighty nine point seven WGBH Boston

NPR station for news and culture. I'm Cally Crossley and this is the Cali crassly show. If you're just tuning in I'm talking with Margo Howard author of the online advice column Dear Margo which is also syndicated in 200 newspapers. Listeners What's the worst family drama you've experienced at Thanksgiving and are you worried about experiencing it again this week. Give us a call of 8 7 7 3 0 170. That's 8 7 7 3 0 1 89 70 going to take a call now this is Barbara from n Dover Please go ahead please call I. Hi I'm here to go there with very heavy snow. And the reason that significant is that it was the first Thanksgiving after my mother died and my father was looking for an excuse not to go to my sister in laws. She is a terrible cook in fact. You guys you know how to cook. And he was filming the worst. So when we got there sure enough we sat around and in due course her

parents showed up. And every single piece of food came out of her father in her father's trunk. Her mother had called. Everything the only thing she made with mashed potatoes and coffee and it was hilarious. I want this parade of food being carried out. Well how did the sister in law take it down. Oh well you know she thought of my sister in law and thought it was great because she didn't have to do anything. OK. But but my father had never been to a meal that wasn't cooked on the premises in this life. He's an old Yankee and he was totally flabbergasted. And. He said the worst Thanksgiving I've ever had. However I want to point out that at least we were together and that makes a difference. Thanks Barbara from Andover. Margaret you have a lot to say. I'm sorry. Thanks. Since everybody is gone why not enjoy what you have now.

Exactly. Thank you very much Barbara. MARGOT You have a lot to say about bad meal Well you know the food aspect is interesting. I traditionally love everything except the turkey which unless it's wonderfully done taste like a sneaker. I just can't stand it but. But the best turkey I ever had was in fact not Turkey many years ago my starter husband and I decided we would do a blended Thanksgiving everybody's new partners all the old kids. And the person he brought in to cook was passing around the turkey and it was absolutely fabulous and I loved it. And I I wanted seconds and I said to him why is this turkey so good. He said duck. Pairing it in the kitchen and slapping it on a turkey carcass. Oh well you got to try whatever.

But I think Barbara's point from endevour was that you know if you're together you know that's the whole point of it. Assuming you like your relatives and so that's the thing to do is you know would you agree. Oh yes. OK all right. David from him Go ahead please. Kelly fine. So it's interesting I just heard a radio a few minutes ago in the schools or the topic it really struck a chord with me. So I got older brothers a couple years older than I am and we found that every Thanksgiving is an adults when we get together particularly at our parents house because Thanksgiving is my mum's holiday. We would report back to the way we treated each other as kids. He's already Gretchen put it big time at Preston so he you know he's the older brother in the younger brother. I would immediately start to tease him. You know like we were like three little kids again and this would happen year after year after year and eventually we just acknowledged it to each other. It's kind of chose to do it the same year I think we're both just speculating that you know this is crazy. We don't deal with anybody else in our lives like this. Why do we why do we still have to

act like we're little kids and I think it was because that was the only behavior that we knew between each other and we just. It just you know act like grown ups then establishing the connection which we've now had for protected and we've got a great relationship but we you know we had to be loyal to each other. Talk about it and make a conscious decision that we were simply going to change that pattern for you for being so thoughtful about it and I think the regression comes about because you're in a setting with people often that you are little kids with. Right right. Well that good for you all around. I mean again you can just enjoy each other at the holiday and I think the first step of course as I say with any 12 step program is recognizing that you have the problem and dealing with it. So many people just don't so thanks very much for the call. It's one of those things that I find fascinating the repetition in people following in falling into roles because that's where they've been that's where we're going to be and they're not they're not moving from it. Here's a

piece from a movie that I think is particularly interesting it's a little bit distressing This is from Pieces of April. It's in a strange daughter reuniting with her family over Thanksgiving in the 2003 film and her mother is battling cancer and reaches a breaking point when she realizes she can't think of any positive memories of her daughter. All I can remember is that. Actually was the big shoplifting fire in the kitchen which was an accident. Was it an accident the way she used to light matches and told him that that was the time she was delighted. Trying to tell me. Boy commencement. This. Weekend. Talk about regression. Let's lower that to be a little bit of an intense thanks give me I got a feeling it's happening more than we know. Often yes. All right. Another caller Gareth's Go ahead please. Serious caller turned on the radio and had a great year that's going every problem that other people have I you know I you know we have that too. And one thing that that and it's fun but I imagine

out of work an emergency room and so I often have to work on Thanksgiving Day and my family is sort of solve that by agreeing to generally celebrate on Friday that oh great works well for us except for my mom right now has nothing to do on Thanksgiving Day and kind of sits at home feeling bad but then have a great time on Friday anyways. I'm kind of curious what other people work out for a solution. Oh I guess Margot Have you heard any other interesting solutions around people as our people do it on another day. Either that has to do with travel plans or like this gentleman I'm assuming he's a lawyer. I'm sorry Doctor. There you go. Get around the emergency is an emergency room doctor. I think that's that's a very good solution and it's really the gathering and the thought and not the day of the week. Our callers 8 7 7 3 0 1 8 9 7 a.m. with advice maven Margo Howard and we're talking about family drama around the holidays.

This time it's Thanksgiving marker you say there's a difference between often the response between Thanksgiving and Christmas Christmas will be coming up on the heels of Thanksgiving What's the difference. Well one thing is that there are gifts involved with Christmas and their Thanksgiving is a whole other kind of holiday. There's booze at both and that's the source of great trouble. Would you. I mean nobody's going to do this but would you suggest that people just stop drinking all day with that when I'm does that mask something or does it actually what is impossible. OK that's the way some people get through it. But alcohol is a great loosening up agent and you can't get away from it as I say unless you're part of a religion that doesn't have alcohol. What's the most common question you get around this time around holiday Internet family interaction. Or has there been a common one over the years. I think that the standard difficulty is a particular

relative with whom you are not on great terms and you're thrown together for this occasion. And I've suggested some people have it as a tradition. After the dinner they go to a movie so they're not hanging around all day and all night talking or have games and just tell yourself practice that you say to yourself I'm going to get through this and I'm not going to bring up such and such. And if she tries to bait me I'm going to ignore it. Doesn't always work. But if you come prepared you have a better chance of succeeding and getting out in one piece and that part of that is just being prepared. Understanding Yes recognizing that is going to happen probably but I can give my response to it and that will make it a different scenario. Yeah OK. There's an old expression Physician heal thyself. So I want to know what advice would you give.

And yourself for dealing with some of these issues over the years you know it's interesting the family traditions. One of my three children lived in Europe for a long time and when mother was alive I think correctly she said there should be one day a year when we are all together. And so that was a command performance and let me put a pause there and allow our listeners to know that your mother was Ann Landers go ahead. Yes and very much the matriarch. And I'm an only child but I had three children. So everybody knew wherever they were in the world they were going to Minneapolis to the to the home of my elder daughter who is a fine cook by the way which was to help the turkey didn't taste like snake. And that child and I have always had a rocky relationship and mother I would fly to Chicago pick up mother and we would continue on to Minneapolis. And one year it got so hairy between this big kid and me that I said to Mother I'm going home a day early is that OK with you she said yes.

All right so you do take your own advice. You figured out how to make it happen. OK. All right we have another caller Barbara from Walpole Go ahead please. I mean doing your show a lot. I just have a quick question for Christmas related but it's still around the issue of alcohol. What do you do about a. Younger sister in law but still we're talking in her 50s cool over drinks becomes very melodramatic and allows her not yet Biegel daughter to over drink causing a huge sobbing scene and making it uncomfortable for everybody. Any advice I would greatly appreciate. Remembering that I'm a sister in law. Well regarding anything that would regarding the child who is too young to drink legally I think you should say to your mother because of the law and your own liability that that child will not be served alcohol until she's of legal age. And and you might remind the bibulous sister in law

that if she cares to remember that there are there have been difficult past situations due to her drinking and you would appreciate it if she would moderate her drinking and another thing you might have a special bottle just for her that's really watered down. Oh oh good i got you. That is a good idea. Thank you very much. Barbara I think I think you will be doing that a couple of things Margo The Washington Post had a piece with about freshman college freshman coming home from college because that's one of the big scenarios at Thanksgiving and it was around the issue of they come home and they've gained all this weight and the author of the piece it the parents should say nothing that's a big thing to say something to you not say something and she says not one word just leave it alone. Not the time to bring it up do you agree. I do agree and certainly not at Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah. And she goes on she goes on to say don't scrutinize what they eat on Thanksgiving

either and you know kind of harrumph while they're eating it they like are you sure you want that sweet potatoes and marshmallows. Exactly. All right we have another caller Elizabeth from west or Go ahead please. Oh my I just want to do it. I just wanted to let you know that I love. Thanksgiving dinners and actually I have always used to cook turkeys and and oh good. My mother was from Europe and she didn't know how to cook turkey for many years so she made wonderful duck. That's what I would make except one you know who is living 3000 miles away from here and all family and all my friends would have had to marry and so I had to make a vegetarian Thanksgiving course that time I also had a teenage sons and said if I was going to make a Tofurkey and nothing else than he was going to go somewhere for Thanksgiving. But I kind of wanted him around so I made a Thanksgiving dinner I made the turkey I made a Tofurkey for the first time. I need a million

sides made a point of making sure they were vegetarian. And if anybody was illegal that was their problem anyhow so I made this turkey. I made the tofurkey and the end of dinner I was sitting in the living room with my son alone and I said and he came out of that well he came out of the kitchen he sat down next to me and said Where the hell is everybody and he said well they're all in the kitchen eating a turkey. A lot of work oh my god I'm gonna hold this work and then they say they snuck in the kitchen to nibble on the turkey anyhow. Might my incredibly vegetarian friend that just makes you a good person. That's what that makes you. TIME You know I mean thank you make sure that you know where but this is the last that was the last time I was going to make it so for you. Well thank you Elizabeth for the call to remind us that we shouldn't overdo at Thanksgiving even the preparation and trying to anticipate

everybody's wants and needs I guess. Would you agree that is a famous holiday for overdoing by the way. Yes I know I know. I don't know why some of it's good is just it's almost a tradition that you eat too much. Well I think that's because so many people are trying to keep other stuff off the table or you know out in the air. I note that there was a poll by an NBC website that 68 percent of respondents said they were expecting drama before dessert so they were bracing for it. And a little bit other advice is this some subjects that maybe you won't have to start people having an argument if you just think the way through if you can keep the conversation away from politics for example. Exactly. Unless you're one of those families who was raised discussing politics and nobody clobbered anybody else then you can do it. And these days it's almost hard not to discuss what politics. Yes. Well you could you know maybe dancing with how about religion.

Back to politics and religion. Very good to stay away from. All right. I think the worst story I've ever heard is that things get so bad that people are no longer invited no longer get together at all so the families just come apart around the holidays because the memory of the drama keeps people from wanting to go. That's kind of our situation. All those years in Minneapolis the year after Mother died everybody was so thrilled to go do what they wanted. And so those of us who are really splendid terms get together other times and in other ways. All right so you have Thanksgiving all year round how about that. Donna we've been talking about preventing family drama at the Thanksgiving dinner table with Margo Howard Margo authors the column Dear Margo featured on the website wow oh wow dot com. And it is syndicated in 200 newspapers have a drama free Thanksgiving. And you know up next Food and Wine contributors Sheryl Julian and Jonathan also talk turkey day

dishes and drinks. Stay with us. Support for WGBH comes from you and from Boston private banking Trust Company Boston private bank provides private and commercial banking and investment management and trust services to individuals and businesses. You can learn more by visiting Boston private bank dot com. And from the. Book Fair in Newton presenting pre-holiday.