WGBH Radio; The Callie Crossley Show

I'm Cally Crossley and this is the Calla Crossley Show. You know the famous Billie Holiday phrase God bless the child that's got his own. But what about the child who's got his own iPad iPhone an X-Box and perhaps most telling his own way in the era of the helicopter parents where tough love has given way to time outs. Is today's kid too spoiled and overindulged. According to a recent survey by CNN and TIME magazine parents say emphatically yes with the consensus among parents that their own kids are more spoiled and get their way more often than kids did 10 years ago. What can be done to undo what parents have unwittingly want. Dr. Richard Brumfield may have the answers in his new book How to one spoil your child. From there it's local made good with the founder of the toys a local outfit that's hit the big time with its toys and philanthropic mission. Up next are the kids all right. First the news. From NPR News in Washington I'm Lakshmi saying under

post-election pressure to rein in spending President Obama is proposing a two year pay freeze for civilian federal workers. I'm asking civil servants to do what they've always done play their part. Going forward we're going to have to make some additional very tough decisions that this town is put off for a very long time. The White House expects a freeze will save more than 5 billion dollars over two years and perhaps more than 60 billion over 10 years but that's still considered a drop in the bucket compared to the country's budget deficit which is over a trillion dollars. The Obama administration is ordering government agencies to review their procedures for keeping classified materials private. This after the whistle blowing group WikiLeaks released more secret documents without authorization. A man wearing an Afghan police uniform killed six Naida troops today in eastern Afghanistan. NPR's Corey Flintoff reports that Afghan officials are saying that the casualties are Americans.

NATO's officials didn't give the nationality of the six troops who were killed. But General I mean no I'm there Hayle the head of the Afghan border police in the region said they were Americans. He said the shooting took place during a training mission in non-car Haar province which borders Pakistan. A spokesman for the Afghan interior ministry said it appeared that the gunman was a genuine border policeman and not an imposter. The NATO's statement said the gunman was killed in the ensuing shootout. There have been a number of attacks on NATO troops by members of the Afghan security forces. This is the deadliest such attack since an Afghan soldier killed five British troops in November of last year. Corey Flintoff NPR News Kabul. Preliminary numbers show Black Friday traffic and sales topped expectations. Daniel Carson reports that while it's an encouraging sign that shoppers are breaking out their wallets industry analysts say it's unclear if that momentum will keep up in what's still a bumpy a Kaname.

Retailers raked in an estimated forty five billion dollars over the Black Friday weekend by The National Retail Federation count more than 200 million shoppers jam stores and bought gifts online and eight and a half percent bump up from last year. But Scott Hoyt retail analyst at Moody's Analytics says Black Friday spending isn't necessarily a harbinger for the rest of the holiday shopping season. Holiday spending was discount driven. I think the rest of the season is going to depend a fair bit on how aggressive retailers are in discounting and point consumers into the stores. A more complete spending picture comes out Thursday when more than two dozen major retailers including Macy's and target report their revenue for the month. For NPR News I'm Daniel Karson in Washington. Dow is down 114 points at ten thousand nine hundred seventy eight. This is NPR News. Israel is giving preliminary approval for expansion in East Jerusalem despite strong objections from the Palestinian Authority and the U.S.. Israeli

officials plan to build 130 new apartments but Israel's interior ministry still has to give final approval. The Palestinians oppose further construction in disputed territory they still claim for the capital of their future state. Part one of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows is still pulling in near record breaking revenue across North America. But as NPR's Trina Williams tells us the magic wielding characters of the Potter series are running into stiff competition. No real. Story. Oh my. Goodness. Well preliminary figures put the Deathly Hallows Part 1 on top for a second straight weekend with fifty point three million dollars in estimated earnings. It's a close race run on both legs. That's from Tangled. Disney's animated update of the Rapunzel fairy tale took in an estimated forty nine point one million dollars in ticket sales for the weekend. The third place

film was animated superhero adventure Megamind Burlesque starring Cher and Christina Aguilera debuted at number four on stoppable list fifth other newcomers Love and Other Drugs opened six and faster placed seventh Trina Williams. NPR News. The bailout for Ireland is bolstering bank stocks but apparently not doing much to help the euro. And we're seeing that play out in markets at last check on Wall Street the Dow is down one hundred twelve points at ten thousand nine hundred eighty. I'm Lakshmi Singh NPR News Washington. Support for NPR comes from the Casey Foundation promoting lifelong family connections for children and youth in foster care on the web at ECF dot org. Good afternoon I'm Kelly Crossley and this is the Calla Crossley Show according to a recent survey by CNN and TIME magazine. Parents say that their own kids are more

spoiled and get their way more often than kids did 10 years ago. And to give you a sense of what it means to be spoiled Here's a clip from Dr. Phil's Brat Camp. Speak. Do not. Put your hands on me. I saw you slap your mother your calendars allophone that behavior. Stuff. What do you do. Like what do you do. I get so wasted my time. It's the season of giving and giving some more And joining me to talk about today's overindulged child and what can be done to realign healthy family dynamics. Is Richard Bromfield. He's a psychologist on the clinical faculty of Harvard Medical School and most importantly the author of a new book How to spoil your child fast a speedy complete guide to continue to children and happy parents Dr. Bromfield. Welcome good afternoon Calley. Before we dive into the conversation listeners were taking calls this hour at 8 7 7 3 0 1 89 70. We want to hear from

you. Who's the boss of your home and is it hard for you to just say no to your kid. Do kids have more authority. Are they more entitled than previous generations. Call us at 8 7 7 3 0 1 89 70. That's 8 7 7 3 0 1 89 70. This is your time to get advice from the expert. 8 7 7 3 0 1 89 70. Dr. Brumfield let me just tell you I'm just delighted that you've written this book. I'll say right away before people start getting Oh man I have no children. I have a niece and a nephew that I've helped a little bit to parent with my sister who is their mother but I've seen it out here among us and it's bad. So let's begin this way. Tell me how do you define spoiling. Well I look at this. There are a number of signs that the child might be spoiled. Some of the more obvious ones are if you have a child who is forever demanding and whining. If you have a child who's the boss of the home dictating if you spend a lot of your

parenting day yelling cajoling threatening counting to three which people do. Your children might be spoiled in going kind of from mild to do worse. If you have to beg them or pay them money to get one ounce of cooperation that's usually a sign that overindulgence has been a problem. And in Sally if your children embarrass you to the point where you won't go in public with them. There are parents who won't go to the grocery store with the children because it's too difficult. And lastly if if you have increasing moments when you wonder why you had children Are you feel like you don't just like your children anymore. That's probably a sign that this something is going awry it might involve overindulgence. Now I think any parent wants to think of themselves as over indulging their children they what they would like to think that they they are the people robbing and they're loving and

so they're trying to be supportive of their children. And certainly this is not something that is just fresh to today's parents. But I have to say without sounding like an old fogy it seems the past generation seem to have a better handle on this is it. Are today's parents somehow different. Well you know I grappled with this early on when I began to think about this book because you know to paraphrase the old saying parents aren't as perfect as they used to be and they never were. There's no way there's no way the generations 30 years ago all the parents were good and today's parents are weak. It just can't be that way. Parents are parents and parents love their kids and all parents do their best and strive. To raise them to have good fulfilled responsible lives. I think the main difference is you know when I was a child I grew up and we veer and I give you an example Jack Purcell sneakers they had a blue stripe on the front. And when you went to the sporting goods store the shoe store you had one choice out of two snake is white or

black. That was it. Today's parents totally children. Marinate in consumerism that is like a tidal wave trying to go up against it in fact surveys say that parents feel that the media and the influence that that that the children undergo Thursley gets in the way of them raising children according to the values they have. And I don't think it's that yes these parents were tougher or wiser I think they had less to contend with. That's why how could it be that almost 100 percent of these parents find this difficult. It's because we're all struggling in the even matter if you're rich or poor it's equal. For everybody. Parents is he describing you 8 7 7 3 0 1 8 9 7 8 8 7 7 3 0 1 89 70. You can use a phony name if you really want to. You know a lot of them don't want to say who you are. Here's something from your book that I thought

was interesting back to your point about consumerism. You say according to Susan Lynn's book consuming kids each year children spend more than 18 billion dollars influence purchases totaling more than 600 billion. And watch about 40000 commercials. What's more 65 percent of children 8 years or older have TVs in their rooms. Lan an expert on the effects of advertising on children says that even babies request brand names soon after they learn to speak. That's just some of what children are up against which means that's what their parents are up against too. And as I mentioned at the beginning where at the time of year where there's going to be more barraging of all kinds of stuff parents and kids. And it's awfully hard in this season to say no no. But it is a good time to begin thinking about this because a lot of parents will will will raise the objection. How can you how can I become Scrooge during holiday season. But I say what better

time to change the way you do things. So for example I have kind of a theme. An inexact Lara of observed but that when you have a child the sooner after New Years even the louder your child complains that you never get them anything. That's probably a sign that you got them way too much the previous holiday. And if we're trying to raise content to children the only way to do it is by giving them less. Children do not learn how to appreciate and value when they getting too much and when things are given to them immediately they don't learn how to wait. And so the gifts we give them we think they're wonderful but we're really taking away bigger gifts precious life skills that develop kind of naturally. But we interrupt them all the time and overly do it so. I look at holiday season as a great challenge and if you could begin changing your mindset

now not only will you have a better and a happier Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever it happens to be but when you come into the new year you'll already be well on the way to doing indulging in your home and it's much easier it's hot at first but it gets easy. I want to underscore your point about giving the kids life skills because on its face it looks as though I'm just you know what's one toy a one candy bar one you know extra movie whatever. How could that have any more impact than in this moment where I could just have a little bit moment of a moment of peace if you will if I indulge the child. Well that's why the process is so difficult because it's a creeping process. When babies were babies are born. No parent has a vision of spoiling the child. It's sort of you watch animal planet and all the other animal parents seem to get it. I job is to prepare children for the jungle. I don't parents forget. That's our role is to get them

ready to handle life without us when we're not around to work on it. And so if we're forever doing and giving. How do they ever learn to survive without someone doing that for them and who's going to do it for them when we're not doing it when they go back out into the world to leave the house. And what's more they there that inflict it on the rest of us let me just say duck to bounce right. I am talking with Dr. Brownfield he is the author of How and spoil your child fast and we have a caller Len from Salem Go ahead please. I my husband and I are both professors and our daughter just turned 4 today. And she resembles the first three demanding and wanting lots of the time. It's like she's boss of the home and I have been spending more time yelling than I ever imagined. And you know as a smart person I think this is pretty horrible. If you get we have very little candy in our house no TV. She's she's wonderful and very bright and she just turned 4 as I said.

So I was just wondering if you had different advice for really young kids than you might have read your book yet. Going to run out and get it but it's just shy and a surprising place. You know my husband's been worried that I'm spoiling her for a little while now and I just are giving her choices and trying to negotiate with her but you know and that's it. OK thank you very much Lynn go ahead Doctor. You know I'm glad you called and said that you're both professors. That's one of the points I make is even the brightest parents struggle with this when these 36 inch kids go up against the six foot parents with advanced degrees. I put my money on the thirty six kids and so what you're dealing with is a child that doesn't have to be material. Indulgence it could be doing giving attention all the time being available every minute. Again when we were children meaning kind of my generation of parents kind of were busy with their own lives they weren't busier than in fact they were less busy than today's parents I think. But they

left us to our own devices much of the time. And so yes this begins you can't spoil a baby that's that's definitely so you needn't worry about that. But once you start to have a toddler that's where it begins and a 4 year old you can do lots of things to start undoing the indulgence you may have. And with your child it sounds like it might have to do more with being. For example I have a chapter suggesting that parents do not negotiate don't deal leave negotiation to the cow dealership where belongs because your child has much more an investment and energy to do this and if you deal with her she will negotiate and persist until the eleventh hour and typically will win. And by doing that we've trained our children to deal be very tough negotiators who can typically beat us. And so the only way you can win that game is not to negotiate. Just don't engage in the every little bedtime in a clock not dealing till 8 15 stud 8 20 in one bedtime story in three cases. It's bedtime

and of course your child would rather argue until 12 o'clock because it's better than going to sleep. But parents who do this and up having much more difficult times because they have basically instilled the child have trained them to be terrorists who can battle them very successfully. So terrorists terrorists and I got to say Europe that's exactly where the warfare of it is it really is. I used to try that you know staying up with my my folks again I hate to be the old fogy but I get the one glass of water. That was it. My father wasn't getting around. Oh you don't know either either. We didn't challenge them or they didn't gauge so it was boring it wasn't worth the time and we went to sleep. But if you have it at all to battling and wrestling and arguing with you for three hours a day for a little kid that's fun. Yeah I can why not. Yeah. We're talking about how and spoil your kids. With my guest Richard Bromfield He's a psychologist on the clinical faculty of Harvard Medical School. Listeners We're taking your calls at 8 7 7 3 0 1 eighty nine seventy

eight 7 7 3 0 1 89 70. I see that we have a few callers lined up and we'll get to you after this break. Here's some questions. Do you think of your own kids as unlikable and out of control parents what are some of the challenges that you're facing in the 21st century that make it hard not to indulge your kids. Are you someone who's parents spoiled you. And what were the consequences. 8 7 7 3 0 1 89 70. We'll be back after this break stay with us. The. Support for WGBH comes from you and from Boston Private Bank and Trust Company Boston private bank provides private and commercial banking and investment management and trust services to individuals and businesses. You can learn more by visiting Boston private bank dot com and from New England mobile book fair in Newton New England's

independent bookstore reminding you that books are a most thoughtful and affordable gift. Now open until 9:00 p.m. weeknights throughout the holiday season. An e-book fair dot com. Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal costar in the romantic drama Love and Other Drugs in which they share several nude scenes on the next FRESH AIR. Hathaway tells us how she knows when a nude scene works on screen. Are the actors invested in it. Do they seem uncomfortable. Do they look like they're self-conscious about what they're doing. Join us for the next FRESH AIR. This afternoon to an eighty nine point seven WGBH. Thanksgiving is over which means that shopping season is in full swing. And this year. Or you can talk about wish to avoid those crowds and do something good for public broadcasting all at the same time.

Just visit shopped at WGBH dot org. Find thousands of the DVDs Blu rays CDs and books from your favorite public television and NPR programs. And now through November 30th. Save 25 percent off your entire order. Just enter Thanks WGBH and check out it's all online at shop dot WGBH dot org. I'm Michele Norris from NPR News and you're listening to eighty nine point seven. WGBH radio. Stay with us for the bigger picture behind the day's news on ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. Coming up at 4:00 here on Boston's NPR stations for news and culture. I'm Kelly Crossley and this is the Calla Crossley Show. We're talking about today's overindulged kids and what parents can do to stop the cycle of giving into their kids. My guest is Richard Bromfield. His new book is How to one spoil your child fast. He is a psychologist on the clinical faculty of Harvard Medical School. We're taking calls at 8 7 7 3 0 1 8 9 seventy 8 7 7 3 0 1. Eighty nine seventy.

How. It is your upbringing and childhood compare with your kids. Again 8 7 7 3 0 one eighty nine seventy one seventy three of your book doctor says this although there are hundreds of quotable statements about parents and children Albert Schweitzer said it well. Adults teach children in three important ways. The first is by example. The second is by example and the third is by example. That's pretty powerful. We're going to go and let you talk to and from New Hampshire Go ahead please. I'd like you to talk a little bit about raising children reading them be who they are the first thing that you went into was stating bedtime for a child that wouldn't have worked with my daughter and I am a parent of a 16 year old. My daughter was one of those those kids that just didn't need a lot of sleep. She never did I can still picture her 1 1 year old being up at 11 o'clock and cheerful because we allowed her to do that but the

stipulation was simple On the other start when it is time to get up. And go to school. You will do it and you will not be cranky. So we will give you this but you will give us that. And that's the type of parenting that worked with my daughter. I have about a willful child and I mean that in a positive way. I have a child that would you know would try things and if I controlled her she'd rebel. And she's she's a lovely. And this is the school if they missed me she is a lovely responsible very well grounded 16 year old OK. I am from New Hampshire we got a doctor. Well I would say kudos to you but what you did was you and I should tell you I'm a I'm a therapist too for 30 years has been doing mostly long term therapy with children and grown ups right. We pay attention to what goes on inside them and such so the idea of honoring who a person is is very central in fact

it was hard for me to write this book at first because this book is kind of gets down to business 30 and quick. But but basically what you did was ideal you you put you on until your daughter was but you also. Built in Consequences and limits and structure that made sense for her. And so you are what is called an authoritative parent the parent who provides gives lots of love and respect for who a child truly is. But you don't you don't run away from confronting the need for limits and structure and the reality of what the child is doing the consequences of her behavior. That's ideally what this is all about. So all I can say to you is congratulations. And when it works it works well. There was some setting limits there which is a big part of your book about setting limits because she said OK you can stay up the next morning the next morning hey right you know I'm telling you what the limit is. And so often what you're talking about in your book is that there's no limit anywhere.

You know all the opposite is this girl was being pleasant with a pleasant bedtime which is different than a child who you're babbling with from eight to 12 there are parents who dread evening every night because they know it's going to be a disaster and it's going to be a prolonged battle. So so I said to that caller she seems to have it going very well and all right keep it going. Well here we go with another caller. Andy from Groton Please go ahead appreciate your taking my call. What he just said and what the doctor just said hi my life and I have two boys 11 and 9 and our oldest is can can be kind of willful. But we're talking with both of them a very effective strategy is just sitting expectations whether to end bed time Sopore meal turns having dinner at six o'clock tea to doze off or if we're going out you know.

Every kid loves Toys R Us but you can't buy something every time you fill in this stuff. Yes we got to go get a birthday present for such and such and that's the only thing we're behind and you can have five minutes to wander around and explore but I'm really using these we sense these very effective strategies. Just one other thing. We also tried to give experiences to our kids. Track 0 museums that sort of thing to try to wean them off but Cherry will give them more pressing numbers. Very well we thank you very much. Well done and very good. One of the things that you make clear in your book and the last two parents are are saying this in different ways is that there's action that has to be taken that parents have to say what they're going to do and and then that's it and keep harping on it but just have the action and then and follow through. I'd love you to tell the story about Mark and his mother in the toy story about having a grand gesture to

begin to spoil a child who is not like these two children that our last callers have described. And your Cali one of the things the book hopes to do is to change things quickly and parents will ask how can that possibly be done. And so I've introduced this concept of a grand action that will shock and awe your child and what it really is a saying. All of those thousands of thousands of threats idle threats counting to three that you never followed up on. You were going to show your child in one great moment that things have changed. Now what parents typically do is they want to say things are going to change but the kids just they hear that as more drama than you want. And so what you do in this particular case there is a mother who the only way she was getting her son to come to therapy was I didn't know this at first but I learned was by buying him a pretty expensive gift after every session.

But then she got tired of this because she said even when she did that when she would try to run her own errands he wouldn't cooperate. So we came up with this plan that you would do something she would never imagine she could possibly accomplish. She went to the store like I always have seen me to buy a toy and when he came back to the car she said we're not going to run my errands and we threw a fit. She calmly took the bag back from the boy walked back to the store with him in hand. The boy was screaming You can't do this. It's not legal. The mother stay calm she went into the store and said she want to return the gift. The toy and when the person said is this something wrong with it she just said I don't like the way my son is behaving and I'm returning it. The boy was I couldn't believe what he saw. He threw tantrums. He screamed his mother followed through. She did not give in. She did that twice and that was it. And he never again pushed that and she never again had taken to his toy store to make his therapy session. Because in doing that

she realized why am I doing this I can tell him this is good for him. I don't have to bribe him to go do something he needs to do and that I as a parent know is what he should be doing. And one of the points you make in your book is that while they are screaming and acting out and they want limits they want some structure. And that's not what we as parents or we are as people who are wanting to adult kids feel that we were hearing we were hearing something else when they're throwing a fit. It's astonishing because. I've almost never seen an example where a parent sets the limit with a child or has one of these good kinds of strong parenting moment when they don't come out of it saying do you know something the next day my child was happy or calm or cooperative. They seemed they just seemed more contented to me that should so reinforce what they're doing and tell them what you're doing is right. And that's what they need. And when when in called and said about something about controlling the child this is not about controlling children or manipulating children that would be the last thing I would I would

support. I want to be in any way associated with this is about strong parenting in the context of a loving home. All right. And Andrea from Wayland Go ahead please. Hello there. The teaching by example quote you mentioned I love that. And that's sort of what I was going to say. I think our country as we can see people have been buying houses they can't afford doing a lot of things they can't afford in our home. The children hear us talk about how we save money. Well you know we're saving for a car. We don't go out to dinner very often because of the things we make at home are better for us and we you know in this way we can use the money for other important things. A lot of talk about needs vs. wants. We also have from the beginning I don't know if this may be hard to restrict as the kids are older already but my children are now 9 and 14. We have always had one television. We don't

have cable. Television is limited to you know the occasional movies on weekends no TV during the week. So how do you know that you set limits as as a doctor as the Doctor is it is a good thing to do now. And and it's even when we do like say there's a special event on television that we do watch together as a family. And if it's a commercial television we talk a lot about what commercials mean what what the commercials trying to tell you. You know how to convince you to buy stuff that perhaps isn't you know isn't as good as it's showing what they're not saying and commercial the long term implications and costs of any item. Also getting kids involved in six. Think things that sewing sewing clothes are going to wear buttons fall and shiny like they have Andrea. Yeah I think you got it totally. Yeah yeah totally. Yeah OK Doctor what do you think about what I think you're getting so much this is this an example where parents truly know what to do and it's just for some reason a majority of parents don't seem able to do

it. But what made me think of those two points Kelly when you asked about holiday shopping. One is what really really breaks my heart when I see people spend money they can afford on junk for their kids either like single moms who need the money to buy a new car to get brakes for the cow think an extension course to better themselves and they feel such a need to give more and they don't they compromise themselves and actually the values they believe in and so this is a good example where looking at the holiday as a kind of a new opportunity to reassess your parenting or indulging you could do a lot not just for children but for yourself and for your future. OK. Dana from Hampton Go ahead please. I'm calling if you have two different parenting styles and you're in a divorced family and you know that really. Jury's been consequences to action then and things go well in your household but then when the children go the

other parent then they can't think to say no to their friend and they kind of just give in to their whining is what did you and what do you recommend. What you can do to the child might come home I typically say to them this is our home this is how it will be up there are consequences to actions and what the behavior is reinforced if the other parent comes so it kind of they come back home you have to like we grew up and it takes a whole day to get back on track. OK all right let me. It's a big question but let me say a couple things One is you don't need perfectly complementary parenting. No two parents to do it the same way married or not married. How about you the situation described is really common. I can tell you what doesn't work is battling and criticizing the other parents and telling them they don't do what you should do that never works. The best things you can do is maybe buy them a copy of my book you read it for us and then you tell them something like Gee I found this

interesting. Would you like to see it. Try to support the other parent when they do something more the way you would like in other words you really try to support and change somebody to do something more in a kind of way but sort of the more hammering on the head usually will not work. The other thing is you mentioned about a friend and this comes up a lot. I say if you have a good friend who's who's forcing you to do something you don't want to do as a parent you have a problem with the friendship you need to if it's a friend you need to straighten them out and tell them Look this means a lot to me. When my child is visiting your house I really don't want them put in this position. A good friend will respect that a listen to you and if they don't want to hear it I'd reconsider what their friendship is. That's that's I think that's very good advice. Doctor we've talked a lot about spoiling kids with materialism and I just wanted to give our listeners a chance to hear some extra parts of that this is from an animated series called spoiled rich kids and here are some wealthy kids

describe what they do to keep the money flowing. Sometimes talking must be very fun with that. Like when do you want to act in a movie because you think the script is bad so we must plead with you please do you get 20 million. 29 is still 12 million after taxes. I want to know my do you think you got to do yeah. And so does that. OK. Great God is great. Now Doctor I'm pleased for you because yes it's a little bit absurd and we're talking about you know you know it's transparently but I wanted you to respond to that but also to respond to also articulate something you make clear in your book that it's not just wealthy people who can spoil that. You don't have to be wealthy to spoil your kids and to overindulge them. No in fact I'll start off with the well-to-do. It's easy for affluent people to spoil the children materially and and as I said before they need to be careful because the gifts they are giving it stealing away more important gifts. As we work our way down the ladder of

resources you know working class people and increasingly middle class people are feeling the pinch where the ways they used to indulge they can't anymore. And a lot of parents are finding their new found frugal parenting is leading to some good things around the home. But but something people don't realize is that even poor people and I mean I don't just mean poor people I mean people living in poverty they face the same issues we do because they're children. Watch the same TV who think commercials go to the same stores. They want the same stuff that the millionaires kids want and why wouldn't they. In fact I say it's more difficult for those parents because those parents love their children just as much and they want to give them things. And the temptation for them is even greater. If you can't give your child more important ways you would like to because you don't have the money. It's very tempting to give them something good something special because that's what parents want to give to the children. So yeah there's no there's nobody that gets out of this alive. Everybody is grappling with this but I

think I think it's more difficult the less they look the less money you have it's a bigger problem if you challenge a bigger problem. What's the one single thing that parents can do to begin to unspoiled their children if there is one I know you have many steps but just it's going to be getting so ridiculous but it's true. Buy less and do less. That doesn't sound ridiculous to me. It's so obvious. Open up your wallet and keep your pocketbook locked keep your child's hands out of your pocketbook. You know a phrase that I've been using is that we don't have to worry about teaching our children that money doesn't grow on trees because they know what comes out of a T M machines. That's not a good you know what I don't can't even imagine with little kids growing up with this idea that when you want something you go to a machine that's kind of down the street. You press a button and money comes out. It's crazy. I mean it's the way of today's business. But what does a young mind make of that.

And so I think what I suggest parents do is do a tally for a week figure out everything you spend not just on toys on clothes and treats on music lessons and sports equipment et cetera et cetera everything you do. And I think a lot of parents are going to be shocked when they realize and not only can you you somewhat hurting your children but you could be doing a lot of other things with their time and money that might be good too and might be good for your children to witness. Now we always say Physician heal thyself here. So you have kids. Was it hard for you to follow your own advice. Well the good news is they're grown up and they're self-sufficient. But yes I struggled to give them all the time because that's what when you love your children you want to make them happy. And so I always wanted to give to them. And I think recently you know one of my one of my problems was I was be the rescuer. Like if my daughter forgot her lunch box I would be the parent who would bring it

there. And what I tell parents is not to I mean that's something I would have done differently now. And I do love that about your book saying that you figure out the consequence of the kid and that has more meaning than it's just a consequence to you. That's right yeah exactly right. And what parents are telling me is the book is so easy to understand and it moves so quickly that they start to get it very very fast and it becomes their own. They they totally make this to fit their own home. Their own children. And it won't even be sometimes you have three children and all three children require different parenting because of temperament developmental disorders whatever but it still applies to all children need these things. It's just a question of in what ways and how you give them and what kind of support you give and such. But there are very few children who need like a hundred eleven thousand mornings that are shit if one of two should be enough and if the second and third isn't doing it you've got to you've got to try something different.

And how many kids older kids have you have I heard from personally and I know I'm not in your business. I say I wish my parents had done this or that to me. I wish they had modeled on me. Yes all of them. And parents are shocked but kids get it. Kids who not like growing up being irresponsible indulged and incapable of handling adult life in fact scares them. Well that's good advice to remember during this giving season as we've said we've been speaking with Richard Brumfield He's a psychologist on the clinical faculty of Harvard Medical School. His new book is how and spoil your child fast a speedy complete guide to content children and happy parents. Up next it's our regular Monday feature local made good. Stay with us. With. With. With. With. With. With

the. With. Support for WGBH comes from you. And from Boston Private Bank and Trust Company. Committed to helping successful individuals and businesses accumulate. Preserve and grow their wealth. You can learn more at Boston. Private Bank. Dot com. And from Solomon's collection and fine rugs in Quincy Solomon's features authentic handmade oriental rugs in all colors designs and sizes. Solomon's also does repair and restorations as well as cleaning and appraisals. Solomon rugs dot com. Next time in the world a musician in Mexico got an ultimatum from his record company drop the Colombian folk music. He dropped the record company instead.

He teamed up with some young urban musicians and found a much wider audience across Latin America. The music of self-will Pena next time on the world this afternoon at three o'clock here on the new eighty nine point seven. WGBH radio. The WGBH holiday auction is under way. Businesses from across New England have donated one of a kind trips. Items and experiences for what we're calling The 12 Days of auction. Be a lord a leaping with a bid to skydive Forrest want to swimming with the bid to dive into the tank at the New England Aquarium. See the complete list of vacations restaurant gift cards in one of a kind items up for bid at auction. I'm Michele Norris from NPR News and you're listening to eighty nine point seven. WGBH radio. Stay with us for the bigger picture behind the day's news on ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. Coming up at 4:00 here on Boston's NPR stations for news and culture.

I'm callin crossly and you're listening to the Calla Crossley Show. It's time for our regular Monday feature local made good where we celebrate people who bring honor and creativity to New England. My guest today as fellow vas the chief toy maker for bee toys which is a start up that she and her colleagues launched last January. Nearly one year later the toys are sold at Target and specialty stores and a dime from each sale benefits Free the Children a charity that helps educate children around the world. He Selo welcome. Howdy. Do you for having me. It's possible OK all right on Godzilla take almost anything. Very good guess. Yeah your group. There are six of you behind bee toys and you're made up of moms and one I want. So tell me how the six of you came together. Well a group of us has worked together for a very long time. Three of us so we really are kind of like one plus two of my very closest friends have worked for me forever plus

two more now doing look this toy's pairing of two more who are doing marketing and we're backed up by a fabulous family run manufacturer but talks I can't leave them out because they are manufacturing the toys and they're based in Montreal and we came together when this large opportunity that pitot presented opened up to create a line that never existed before. Well a little bit more about that. You know we all sit at home and then we talk. It has a history there was a brand of toys that fell out of Target I don't know mullein anybody else will speak but there is this large open space at argot and there was I had a history with Target creating toys before and now I have been cooking bee in my brain for 20 years at some of the world's largest manufacturers like Hasbro and some of the world's finest like the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston right here and really but Todd gave us the freedom to do almost

anything we wanted to do in toys and try it. Target might not have thought it was a very large chance to say do we take verses Parents magazine versus Fisher Price versus Play School Do we have the chance to bring something really good local make good that's very funny because that's kind of our big mission in and fill the space and really against all odds. We want the space. Well you've as you've said been in the toy business you know for most of your life. Oh all of my family. OK well your adult life creating you know getting in the toy business it's so competitive and so what I like about your story is that when you have the moms and who've obviously had the kids and you're playing with the toys you figured out one of the things that need to be there for kids and parents to be successful give us some of the highlights of why these be toys which are for one thing extremely colorful works so well.

Yeah I think that many toys on the planet are really ugly. So I kind of started with that and we thought why this beautiful design have to stop at a kid's door. Why do people scramble when company comes over to put old toys under the sofa behind the bench. We want to make sure that we're beautiful to enough to leave out when company came over. And I honestly think that a perfect toy is as basic as a pot in the wooden spoon. So I start there. You know I heard your previous caller toys kids do not need a lot but if you're going to buy a toy buy a good one. So we try to make toys that celebrate who a kid already is that are wonderful and wonder filled in good and full of possibilities so none of our toys are violent or license property filled. And good seems like such a vacuous word this day and age but it really is what we do we know what else disappear into and I don't want their kid to be besides OK you're once you're. Be healthy and be happy. You want them to be good so that's not a pun to us. It really

is what we strive every day to be good to kids all kids like you said. Free the Children and their parents and the planet. And yet you know we're not talking about eat your spinach kind of stuff where you're so good and so boring and horrible. These are so cute and you have a great you got to have a sense of humor when you do that we take basic toys I mean I don't know if you're going to describe us we sometimes this is going to take some basics I'm look I'm standing in front of one called the meows like it's a keyboard. It's got a Cheshire grin face ear to ear it's got the musical notes. So I could've made. There's a million other keyboards out there and I don't know how these things come to me I guess that's the magic of my brain but we sit there and I thought I could be a cat. And then that's very collaborative because my friend swin looked at her cat and we sort of laughed about what if it was a Cheshire cat and what if those were the teeth and we could have stopped there we could have made it so that it only had piano and organ flute like most keyboards did. But then it's a very like it's on our kitchen table as my own children wrote the lyrics to

the button that's got the we became the songs and to the soul to the tune of classic KISS tunes it currently plays lip. You know instead of like a gotcha it's the little kid a little kid he forgot how to meow and we can say you know we consider a friend and I don't know if it's going to do it but. There I guess so. And the key is they let you play any tune. In meow. Yeah. Yeah. And you know so we bring basic toys and infuse them with wonderful colors you know nobody's made toys and chocolate brown and all of green before with world textiles I'm Peruvian I collect them I think the world is getting smaller every day. So even etched into it well even etched into the plastic going on like it's any nobody's done this before. It's into the plastic our world textiles and so we've made them be pretty and eco friendly and fashion forward. While still

being very basic instruments and pretend toys and role play toys. Well I think the common thread too is the engagement. Not only are you doing the attractiveness of the toy but they have to be something that engages the child in an activity. So again toward just building child children self-esteem and energy and and curiosity tapping into their curiosity. All of these toys do that. Yes and in an age of interactive kids this is really it's it's it's interesting to have basic toys that that but I think that engagement kids come into play already empowered to know what to do. So we try to have them bring their magic who they are into the picture. And I think childhood should be a time where kids are free to explore so we give them toys that allow them to be open ended to be creative there's a drum here they could have been just regular maracas that happens to be in the shape of a bee. But I think kids are engaging here in very open ended creative play to express themselves and who they

are. Now you're doing several things that are go beyond just you know selling some toys first of all all of the packaging is recyclable and some of the packaging you can play with the packaging in really interesting ways. And then the most important thing that you're doing is that a dime each of these toys is purchased goes to a charity called Free the Children which was started by a kid. Yeah. That's building schools and it's not just you know the dime goes off into the ether somewhere. You have concrete evidence of what those monies are doing right. I have personally traveled to Kenya to see with my own children building schools my 5 year old was the youngest child that had ever gone on one of these Free the Children trips. We went there we laid bricks my little guy said oh it's like Legos but real. So I have seen with my own eyes that these toys are a dime after time after time which doesn't sound like a lot but time after time after time. Kids can change the world. And Craig Kielburger who founded for the children was only 12 when he founded that now

huge successful and powerful organization and he half of his mission is to build schools and free the children from poverty and exploitation around the world. But his other half of the mission is to empower our own children to feel like they can make a difference in the world. Sixty percent of their funds come from lemonade stands and Penny drives I think kids need to know that they have the power to make a difference and not feel when they're reading the newspaper the day don't have a chance that they actually can change the world themselves. It's their world. Well this may you know going from my guest earlier in the show who is dealing with children who have everything and who want more and are still not satisfied. If children understand the basis of the giving part of this the mission of the toys and the fact that there's a larger purpose and that you're also doing the eco friendly thing it seems to me that it allows them to engage in a different level.

I think when they're really young kids are naturally empathetic maybe we lose that and we get a bit more jaded growing older but little kids want to help the pet up the street they want to adopt every animal that's hurt that they see they they know when someone is crying in that playground they want to help so we try really hard. You know the world needs your kid is one of the books for the children publishes I think kids know inherently that they can help. And I think that if moms are really reading the packaging to them if it's explained to them if you go to our website and see the pictures of schools in Kenya. You will in fact understand at a very young age that what you do can make a difference in the world and to your previous caller's point. Kids don't need a whole ton of things to understand that and they honestly don't need a whole ton of toys. It's a weird thing for a toy designer to say but if you're going to buy one buy a good one that keeps on giving actually so it's two ways of giving your company is very young yet you've got an amazing amount of fabulous press

a lot from what we know in the business is mommy bloggers who have reviewed the toys and have great things to say. Parents magazine have stuff to say that's wonderful parenting even Time Out Chicago and Daily Candy. You know these are all websites and reviewers who have said you're great and addition of that while it pop which is known to highlight toys that are and products that are that are wallet friendly has a lot to say about it too. Now when you first started this you all were working kind of part time to make this that are you still the well part time you know the design and the marketing of this is done freelance it is now. We try every day and many nights now it is not part time. We are living it. We really launched this brand with but like I said this February. So we're. Not nine months old we're just crawling we've never had a first Christmas so cross your fingers it's coming right up the biggest chunk of sales of the store as it's

coming right up right now. It's been a huge ride a wonderful wave of goodness moms get it. I think they get the They've understood it they're engaging with us on Facebook they're 17:00 Facebook fans and something I didn't want to leave and mention is that on our website we're giving back not just to free the children but there's this quote maker I love that part every every toy it's that you know lots of toys come with a little booklet that tells you to buy other toys. Ours comes with quotes by children by our children your children your nieces your nephews. You can go on our website Google be toys and put in the words that your children say in create something beautiful with the world patterns in our 13 fabulous colors and make these quotes by children that are witty and wise and hilarious and share them on Facebook or share them by e-mail with grandma and you can give a gift that's free that is our child's wisdom. Like I said you know we really want them to express themselves so I think that's

what mommy bloggers back to your point that they free acted too that we really have given the mom a place to connect with other moms the kids a place to speak in his own words the grandma place to share the goofy thing her son said are her grandsons. And really it's been a very heartwarming experience so far this year. So you've got fun please and meows YC and telephone and power and oh yeah don't names are fine. They're very funny names. What do you want and your and your all the toys that you make all the B toys that have the funny names. Are you making more or where do you see how it's gone. Are there are there some you can get a peek at some that are soon to come out on our website. Just be calm and there are now we've done stuff we've done well enough to target to get another year at this I just found out so your readers can just your listeners can justify Grant allegedly. Yes that next year there will be more we

will be very busy. We are not elves with pointy shoes and funny hats we are just women at our tables making toys right here in Massachusetts right here. This is a system which is what we love going into this holiday season. What do you want to leave our listeners with about bee toys. If there's any one thing that if you're going to buy a toy buy a good one that if you don't have money to buy very many toys don't buy any that children really are happy being who they are and that we hope that you enjoy your holidays. And each other most of all. All right thank you very much. He said look a lot of us are going to get it is that this is the chief maker for big toys to learn more about the toys visit our website. You can keep on top of the Kelly Crossley Show at WGBH dot org slash Calla Crossley follow us on Twitter or become a fan of the Calla Crossley Show on Facebook today show was engineered by Jane pic and produced by Chelsea murders and a white knuckle beat and Abby Ruzicka with help from

our interns Rose Scott and Courtney's to funny. The Calla Crossley Show is a production of WGBH radio Boston's NPR station for news and culture.