Harvard Book Store; WGBH Forum Network; Christian Lander: Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast

Hi everyone. Who does the mike wasn't on. I'm Alex Vauvert bookstore. Thank you for joining us for our event with Christian Lander. Just picking up where I left off some of our upcoming events. Join us the 11th for an evening of just plain bad poetry. That's local author Steve Almond. Here to discuss his book Bad Poetry a compendium of truly wretched verse being accompanied by humorous essays called bad poetry. We're now accepting submissions of your own greatly bad poetry for a book to be printed right here on our in-store book printing machine. Find details for that contest as well as our complete calendar of author events on Harvard dotcom. While you're there check out videos of past author talks browse staff recommendations and subscribe to our weekly e-mail newsletter or Google Calendar. You can also keep up with our author series and follow news from the store on Twitter Facebook and with our good ole paper events flyer. After today's talk we'll have time for a few questions after which we'll have a book signing here at this

table and you can find copies of Whiter Shade Of Pale affront at the registers as always. Thanks so much for making a book purchase here at Harvard bookstore. We are an independent and locally owned Cambridge institution. And your continued support helps make this author series possible. Before we get started my additional Thanks for taking a moment to silence your cell phones. On behalf of Harvard bookstore I'm pleased to welcome Christian Lander here to discuss Whiter Shade of Pale. The Stuff White People Like. Coast to coast from Seattle sweater's to man's microbrews. Whiter Shade Of Pale is Triston Lander's follow up to Stuff White People Like a guide to the unique taste of millions and takes as duffed exploration of the socially conscious Caucasian Bohemian hipster on a cross-country tour from Boston to Boulder to Santa Fe. Three years ago Kristin Lander was an internet copywriter in Culver City California and then he started a blog at first in January 2008. Stuff White People Like dot.com got a couple hundred hits a day. By the end of March it had amassed over $20

million. By July he had published his first book which quickly became a New York Times bestseller. That summer he really hit it big and kicked off his book tour at Harvard bookstore in Cambridge Massachusetts. And a recent review of whiter shades of pale The New York Times praised few people alive or as deft at this satire as is Mr. Landor. His books are painfully observant and they take you places that The Daily Show and The Onion those reliable dispensers of a list of elite wit mostly dolts. We are very pleased to bring him back to Harvard bookstore. Please join me in welcoming Christian Lander. Thanks everybody for coming out on a afternoon. This is great. That review in The New York Times actually if you want to read it I have the whole thing tattooed on my back. It's kind of a surprise. But now this was the first bookstore where I ever had at an author event. And I remember really vividly because I got here way too early and I was super nervous and so

I walked around the bookstore and then I waited outside in the corner and someone recognized me and it was the first time anyone ever recognized V. So it was like the greatest day ever. But the funny thing about Harvard is while not only was it the first place right where I actually had you know I talk to an audience but people always ask me like when you do these book signings in these book readings just not get it and sort of attack you and sort of you know go out you know like no no no no no never never. Well except for one time. Of course it was here. And. I just got through it. I mean like I've been freaking out about actually doing this talk and I was so nervous and I got to the end of it I was like I look over my question it's like yeah what are you really doing about racism. I was like oh. Let me off the hook like this took a lot of work. But that was the closest one I've had at least in person and I'll get into some of the not in-person stuff that's happened since then so the new book I'm going to talk about a little bit but I think part of the interesting story but everything is the rags to riches writer story that I have and last

time I was here we've sort of been filled in was the summer of 0 8. So the thing that I'd started in January become a bestseller by July. And every day of my life in that time I kept saying you know this can never get bigger. This can never get bigger and that each day kept getting bigger and bigger. And in the past couple years and things have happened that actually made it get bigger and had been a little weird and awesome. So after I was done here did a couple more cities and then in August 2008 after you know not believing I was able to write this book was incredible. In August of 2008 my publisher got a call from late night with Conan O'Brien saying that they wanted me to be a guest on the show. This was an enormous deal for me. Like I was absolutely freaking out I could not believe this was going to happen. It was it was a huge deal because I I love Conan O'Brien which I guess all white people do as he's an entry in the new book. You would you would think that I may not like him because I have a personal vendetta against men who are taller than me just because I think that he needs your life than me but he does get a pass on that policy because he has red hair

and he knows the pain that we went through as children. For those of you who inflicted that pain. Yes we do have souls. And no we did not appreciate the nursery rhymes about the color of our pubic hair. So anyways he can relate to the problems that I've had in my life. So he's very very excited to go on this show. So they say yes Christmas memory. So Hemmer 6 2008 you are officially going to be a guest on Late Night with Conan O'Brien and I cannot believe this. I'm actually going to be a guest on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. And so I did what any normal person would do and what you're going to do with these shows. I immediately went NBC Delcam and I hit refresh a million times until I could find out who the real celebrities were going to be on the show. And so you know it's a Friday show so could be anybody could be a movie star like an athlete or who knows. Refresh Refresh Refresh Refresh. Can't we can't it could. And it finally comes back that the other celebrity on the show that night is going to be Jerry O'Connell. Now this does it all out of disappointment in that when you get quite the opposite for me in fact because I was very excited about this for a couple of reasons the first of which I'm Canadian and he's American but he was on a Canadian

TV show when I was growing up called my secret identity and it was a very terrible show but I loved it as a kids I was excited to meet him for that. But more importantly he was in the movie Stand By Me based on the Stephen King book. And in that in that movie he was about 12 and he was fat and he grew up to be just really good looking guy with like a six pack. And he married a sports illustrated swimsuit model. Now I was a fat kid. And so Jerry O'Connell is literally a hero to every fat kid across the world because he looked like that at 12 and grew up to marry a swimsuit model. So he is literally my fat kid hero and I am so excited to get to meet him and the other guest was Tim Gunn from Project Runway. So I'm just like so excited about being Jerry O'Connell and just like here stories about you know how he lost weight and everything and like I can't wait. So I get to New York and I'm in my dressing room in my dressing room is very very small and I'm very very nervous. I've never been on a show like this before. I'm just freaking out. And I vividly remember being in this little dressing room in front of me was a plate of cookies. I remember saying myself don't eat you're going to throw up. Don't eat them you're going to throw up but fat kid

instinct right so I start reaching for the cookie. I'm like no no no no no I'm not I'm not going to do it so I'm just I'm focusing on just staying calm. But I don't know what the etiquette is back here. Like I've never been on one of these shows before. I don't know what the rules are like. Can you go to the other dressing rooms and start thinking like what would I do and I'd probably be super awkward and like knock on Jerry's dorm the gay area or when you are a fat kid. Right. And you know and then you go on the show later and be like. CONAN There's a weird guy obsessed with fat kids backstage. So I'm like I'm just going to pretend like I've been here before and not talk to anybody and just try and just just pretend like I'm a professional. And so I'm in the dressing room and I'm in there with my agent and my agent kind of looks a bit like me except he's this tall. So I can trust him. And he's like look man you're going to be fine. You've got this do not we're you're going to be fine. You're not going to throw up everything. Me and I'm like OK OK OK. I think I can do this and I'm just focusing on folks and there's a knock on my door and I look over his Jerry O'Connell a point to it's my age like Are you the guy guy you support people like my agent slowly points up to me and I'm about to open my mouth to talk about how much I've

appreciated his career as an actor and goes Oh my God to though was that all the time it's so funny when right. This is great I'm like you're going to slide it. And you just won't stop talking about how great it is. It's so great it was so funny. Which shows over just a couple people I want you to meet. I've got to go. All right. See you later Dawn. I look amazing. Look at the pictures. Jerry O'Connell. Things like that I think he like cheats. So I'm just like wow that was odd and awesome. So I go on the show I go on Conan O'Brien I'm waiting backstage you know Jerry goes out there he's hilarious Tim Gunn goes out there he's great. Now it's my turn to go out there and now everything I tell you about this part of the story is recreated from the tivo episode because I blacked out the I on there. I don't remember any of this happening. So I go out on the show and the way it's all lined up is you have Conan here you know here and then you have me here and then Tim Gunn here and injuria calls on the end. This layout is going to be very important as the story goes on. And so you know Conan I'm nervous. Yes. The first question is that well Christian you know for those of people who are familiar with your with your site or your book what are some things white people like and I decide to go with an old standby and I'm like well you know going into farmers markets writing and I guess we do and Tim goes

again I suppose Geria calls like. That's where I buy carrots I just like just dying with laughter. This is going great. And then and then you know so I'm like I'm loosening up and you could just see my self getting calmer. And then Conan is like well Chris you know we have Tim Gunn on the show tonight. What are some clothes that white people like to open my mouth and I'm wearing a cardigan as I am want to do as a white person and I'm about to open my mouth just to say something and I feel a hand on my arm pinching me and I look left and Jerry O'Connell has reached over Tim Gunn and he's pinching my cardigan going sweaters. Why do people like sweaters say sweaters. And like. I want to believe you know that I'm a pretty cool customer right and I can just look at my fat kid hero pinching me on Late Night with Conan O'Brien over a reality television superstar and just be like oh yeah Jerry's right. He likes what it is. You know I freak out.

You just see it my face in my. Shorts. Jerry hits the floor. We. Do. I just die. I'm like man this interview is going great. I look at Tim Gunn I'm like maybe not that great again. And so I finished the interview and I'm done with the show and this is just the most amazing thing ever. And I'm backstage and think to myself oh my god I done it. I you know like six days before my 30th birthday I have been on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Man I really really need to call some ex girlfriends. Because I'll tell you no matter what any artist musician or writer ever says the number one motivation is just sticking it to ex-girlfriend so I take my phone out and I'm trying to remember a number and I hear Christian. OK. Turn around. Jerry O'Connell again. He's the man who says people want you to meet and like. All right he goes yes my parents.

I'm sort of licking myself like a tree I don't think our relationship has progressed to this stage just yet. But there he is and I'm backstage with his parents just hanging out you know and he gets a phone call and then has this really awkward talk with them for a few minutes and he comes back and he's like oh man. Hilarious. Hilarious. You live in L.A. right. I'm like yeah. I love him and he's like listen let me get all your information we get back we should all go out to dinner. And I think to myself sure thing Jerry because I know this dinner is never ever ever going to happen not because Jerry doesn't want it to happen I think it's quite clear he definitely wants it to happen. But because I had this nightmare and I remind you do you call a very good looking guy. Married to Rebecca Romeyn who is the X-Men and swimsuit model and then I'm me and my wife she's she's very pretty but she's she's not this tall again so I can trust her. And she has sort of reddish hair and you know kind of pale skin and I just have this fear that we're going out to dinner and then three weeks later I'm going be looking at us weekly and showed me a picture of all of us with the caption Jerry and Rebecca participate in the couples edition of the Make A Wish Foundation.

And I know I'll never ever recover from that. You know like letters to the editor I don't have cancer. So I figure it's done. I've left New York. I'm back in Los Angeles and like I've done it. This is this is incredible. And then a couple weeks later I get invited to go on later with Carson Daly. The ones on at 2:00 in the morning and again I go back to NBC and I hit refresh a thousand times to find who the real celebrities we're going to be and I was surprised to find that it was me. And so I go on the show so go on the show and I'm in my dressing room and I'm I'm really relaxed this time I'm not freaking out and then I look at the wall of my dressing room and I have to squint for a second because there's a picture of Jerry O'Connell on the wall he's singing for some reason whatever. And my wife looks at me and she's like Look man you have got to send him an email you're never going to find another non weird opportunity to send him an email. DO IT. I'm like OK OK. So I take my phone out and I write him like hey Jerry is Christian I don't remember me. I was on Conan O'Brien with you a couple weeks ago. Anyways I going be on Carson Daly tonight. And I'm backstage and the dressing room and there's a picture of you in here. Thought it was kind of funny.

Christian sent awesome on TV doing it right now Jerry. And so you got to remember this is like September 0 8 nine months ago I was literally dicking around on the internet with my friend miles and now I'm looking at my phone being like I think I have to get a restraining order against my kid hero. Things can change pretty fast. And so I just I I couldn't believe it. It was amazing. So that was still awake. And then we kept going and the book has actually done the first book did really well so the book was published in Australia it was bestsellers published in the U.K. It did really well believe it or not they have an amazing amount of white people in both places. The book was translated into Dutch and the Dutch are incredible. So the first book is similar looking to this woman there's a big thumbs up on it which I refer to as the white gang sign. So we recognize each other it's like. But instead of putting that on their cover of stuff in which people look in.

My Dutchesse faded since college. They put a mirror on the front of it. So when you hold it out you like ah. You know so very very clever very clever people. And this year this is officially happening this is this is a 100 percent. It just took a really long time to do. The book is being translated into Japanese. It took a really long time because it's like a ton of footnotes explaining sort of the sarcasm and the satire and I really like that but still it is actually happening and I have this fantasy every single day that the book is could be used as a textbook in Japan. For like business English. And I mean in all those courses and I just dream that I'll be in Los Angeles and I'll be going past L.A. and I'll see all these Japanese businessmen coming out of the Tom Bradley Terminal wearing like Fleet Foxes T-shirts like Florence and the machine and I mean to be like What is it called. And then during the meeting they flip through the book and they're like Trader Joe's. So I was just shopping there this morning. Oh a Frisbee sports an ultimate team.

And then like I create a trade imbalance between the two countries somehow so that is that is the fantasy that would take place there would be absolutely incredible. And then last year a really interesting happened Stuff White People Like the first book was optioned by Imagine Entertainment to become a TV show. And they were the same people who did Arrested Development. And so we went into work developing a TV show and it was great the concept of the show was the wrong kind of white guy learning how to be the right kind of white guy from a black guy. And they all worked it like a Burt's Bees company you know with the tagline saving the world through vanity and. It you know I worked in a really amazing director and the producer and everyone was great and it was really funny. And you know it was it was really funny for me especially to write about the idea of a black guy giving advice about white people because when I first started the blog so many people thought that I was a black guy who went to Harvard and. They were like wow I'm really disappointed to find out you're a white Canadian. And I went right back and like yeah welcome to me at 13.

So when we wrote this show and it was really funny and you know we submitted to the network and they're like yeah great. We're going to show about a brewery. All right. Bebai done Showtime completely. So it was fun to get to write it and it would be amazing if it happened but that's just how TV works and it's fine. By far it was not the biggest heartbreak of the last year. The biggest heartbreak of the last year actually happened through no fault of her own but by Oprah Winfrey Yes the very same. So I got a call again from Random House and he said Christian Oprah's doing a show called things that make me laugh and they want to talk about your book on the show and I'm freaking out. I'm like oh my god I'm going to get to buy a house in California. This is going to be incredible. This is going to change everything. I'm not going to be like friends I'm going to take that sticker if they'll let me put it on. It would be the greatest day of my life and it's like no. Not only will there be that but it's like like as a white person is the stamp of approval from Oprah is like one of the best. You know it's like. If I could somehow get a tattoo where she says like

one of the good ones Oprah and I could put it here I would like it would make my day like I get an Obama one here and that Oprah one there and I would be set forever so so thrilled about this. Like yeah they got the legal to show the cover. We sent a whole box of books over to the studio like it's really going to happen. I'm like oh my god. So having you didn't like not having it taken away from me when I went on Conan or Carson Daly I'm like start calling people how the going to be on Oprah. Oprah Oprah and and so the show's all set to air. I got to TiVo all lined up I'm super super excited. Literally five minutes before the show airs call. Hi. Yeah. Christian so good news. They love the book and they talked about it on the show and I'm like yes three bedroom and. And then they say Yeah but the problem is they they talked about it for about 20 minutes. And the way TV works is kind of a segment that runs out long you have to run all of it or none of it and they're going to run none of it. So sorry. And then you know all the dreams come down but I'm still watching the show I'm like no she was wrong that she was wrong. There's no way they couldn't talk about this book.

And so the guests that day were Dane Cook Mo'Nique and George Lopez. And so you know I'm like that they have to talk about the book in here they need to fill it out. You know. Come on. Come on. So I'm watching it. I'm watching it. Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing. And then towards the end something interesting happens. For whatever reason I care whether we're talking about Mo'Nique decides that she's going to start doing these squats and walk into the audience. I can remember where the story was before. I just remember seeing Mo'Nique squatting in the Oprah audience and then George Lopez wants to show up I suppose so there was perfume nearby for some reason he just walks in spring that perfume. And Dane Cook is like really going to do any of this stuff he doesn't know what to do. He's like super awkward on stage. So he reaches over and starts flipping through my book on. And so I'm now watching my book like three feet from Oprah's head and just screaming at the tv I'm like give on. And so for like three months my Facebook picture was the book next to Oprah's head. I took a picture of my TV screen. And so no they didn't ask about the book they just cut to commercial and then that day later on I went to Oprah Delcam into the forums and I was like hey does anyone know what book that was the day

in Cocoa's holding out. Oprah seemed to think it was really funny. And then like I hit refresh again no responses the one below me was like is it Monique funny ten thousand response is. And so I just so I just had to let that dream go. And so it completely evaporated. But you know no fault of her own. She likes the show. I guess I will have to live you know just knowing that. And then. I you know I was able to do book tours and college lecturer to listen to us and I was able to do all this research continued research on white people and I found a number of sort of these small super defeat superficial differences between each town. And I wanted to get to write another book and random house was nice enough to let me write another one. And so as I was going through it I tried to figure out what made a white city. I was like What do I define as a white city. And I realized it was anywhere that I want to live and I can't afford that pretty much sums it up. Portland Oregon Seattle you know Santa Fe Los Angeles Brooklyn Boston and so forth. So that was how I decided you know any place where property values

outstrip incomes and that's that's a I. I was hoping in the process of writing it that maybe it would work like a therapy for me like I thought you know I'm over 30 now. Like maybe I can let go of some of the snobbery maybe I can be a better man like maybe by writing this and pointing it out I can realize that yes you can still be a good person and the Dave Matthews Band like maybe I can. Maybe I can do that right and maybe I'll be less judgmental about everything. Maybe I maybe I won't be so awful and I always like to make this joke that as a white person you know we'd rather have you look through a medicine cabinet than our bookshelf because you can go to rehab for Vicodin. You can't go to rehab for Dan Brown but that's awful. Like that's so snobby and so elitist and so terrible so maybe just maybe if I write it all out and an absolutely vicious and brutal about how terrible I am as a person maybe I will move forward and get better wrong. I'm as I'm as awful as ever in fact all that I actually learned from writing this book in terms of myself was that my snobbery has

shifted as I've gotten over 30. And it's an interesting shift. So prior to turning 30 I took all of my snobbery energy and I put it into indie music just over just an insane amount of work and like checking for blogs and day like remixes it was exhausting. And that's why I put all of my snobbery my snobby energy but I noticed after 30 that all that energy it sort of shifted from indie music to food. And that's where my snobbery lies now so rather than sort of judge you about not knowing about the newest bands. I judged you for not knowing about the newest restaurants. You know I will judge your fridge before I judge your iPod now. You know it's like really Himalayan sea salt. Come on man. It's all about Hawaiian the seas and you know that you're better than this. And that was it. That was the change that I am now a food snob instead of an indie music snob. So welcome to your 30s. You're 29. It's coming. And you know I try to figure out where if I were to do another one where would my snobbery shift. And I try to think of like music food. The only thing I could think of that I would have after this is if I had a child like I can't imagine

how obnoxious I would be if I had a child. And I think the only way I could be more obnoxious and if I had a child was if I had a dog. Because white people liked their dogs more than their children. And so I just had so much fun writing this. It was just incredible to get to do it again. And I have a longer talk that I don't think I have time to get into today about it continues with a lot of the message I had from the first one about the idea of race and class in America still being tied together. And it's it's a very simple concept. And again I don't go into it in any sort of serious depth are much better authors who do it much smarter authors who do it. But in terms of at least making the point we're getting people to understand that there is still a race and class issue and they are tied together in the United States. The fact that the first book and this book exists that I can make this list just this list is just a list of completely ordinary things. And when you call them white you instantly get that I'm talking about the upper middle class and that in and of itself is a big enough message and so I have a whole bunch of other things to say about that one but not for today.

Instead I want to tell you about all the other terrible things that have happened to me since starting this blog. One of them is that I don't know if you guys know this but writing about race on the Internet is interesting. For example to give you an idea of what I mean by interesting the climate of race discussion online works somewhat like this. If you were to post a video of a giggling baby laughing giggling baby. Right. 30 seconds from your iPhone. Because I know you all have iPhones. Thirty seconds. Put it on YouTube. Comment number one. All what a cute baby. Comment number two. Fuck that way baby. Wait for seconds every ethnic slur on earth 3000 comments full scale race war over a giggling baby. Welcome to the Internet. And so you can imagine this sort of stuff that happens when you actually write about race even in the way that I'm writing about race so I have had an e-mail sent to the site and I'm paraphrasing here so forgive me. That said Dear asshole always a good start. I hope you go to

jail and get raped and get AIDS and die slowly so you can watch your entire family die of cancer. This was because I had the audacity to say white people like yoga and expensive sandwiches. So you should try to get an idea of sort of where we stand on this climate about how much rage and anger is still out there and what scares me a little bit though is I still get you know less grammatically correct but probably nicer e-mails from people who are still furious at the site and their theories at the book and are furious at the concept and what they're angry about is they always write in and they're always just say you know what man. This is so unfair if you recycle of black people like it would be racist. Yeah of course it would be racist. Most of white people like man are redheaded Canadian. I think I have the authority to write this book. And then they're like OK. Bad example. But what is it is it someone ferrymen Holcomb's who can make fun of white people some people black people or make fun of Latinos or Asian people. This is an author's bullshit double standard. Man this sucks.

And they're legitimately angry at what they see as a double standard. And so I've got a million reasons why but I believe that it is always under every single circumstance a good idea to make fun of white people. If you. If you ever find yourself in a scenario where you're thinking Shall I make fun of white people. Yes always. Literally nothing bad can come of it. Look I've got two books out of it I like. I strongly recommend making fun of white people in all social scenarios. And the reason why. And the reason why it's OK and why I can get away with it one second is that as it stands now there is currently no ethnic slur for white people the kind that I'm talking about. That actually hurts. And here's what I mean by that. If you were to call a white person a honky or a cracker we would love it. We'd be like Ah is this what depression feels like. Comic call me that again call me that again. We're like those priests you know that whip themselves you know to feel the suffering we would adore it. And the reason why this doesn't exist. Well actually no there is one

ethnic slur for white people. It's a pretty harsh one to call them. I will tell you what it is in a second but this is this is really you really got one hurt for this one. So if you're an argument you need the trump card. The one ethnic slur that will hurt white people not just for a day but for weeks is if you call them average that can literally ruin a white person's vacation in like a week and a half later they'll be like. To I could write him an email literally ruin it. But but the reason why there's no real one that actually hurts is that where ethnic slurs and all of that comes from his. It comes from history and it comes through the pain of the past that has not been fixed. And the fact of the matter is that doesn't exist for white people and this is why I say white people like to get history degrees because it always has a happy ending for them. Like look the potato famine. Yeah. That was terrible. Don't get me wrong but things are crazy now. I mean like all the potatoes we can eat. Everything is fantastic. So for that reason it is always always always ok to make fun of white people and I

strongly encourage. So I have a couple of readings from the new book and then a closing statement and we'll open it up to questions. So Boston congratulations made the first page. Good job. And you know there's a line drawing of a Boston girl black stretch pants which I believe are required by law to wear. New Balance shoes a North Face jacket over a Harvard T-shirt Democratic pins Boston Red Sox hat and I I've never ever been in a city where I've seen a stronger commitment to cardiovascular health than Boss. Like look out people I saw people running a lot of people running in this and the rowing and the winter man put on the fat layers. This is what we do as humanity. All right. So just a couple from here. Number one the Ivy League the Ivy League is expensive exclusive and located in the northeast and has campuses featuring beautiful actual Ivy covered buildings. All of these things are beloved by white people so logically it would seem that all of the Ivy League. But this is not true.

White people have a tortured relationship with the Ivy League. And if you broached the subject in the wrong way you can offend or even anger a white person. But before getting into the more nuanced aspects of the subject it's important to know that all white people believe they are intelligent enough and have the work ethic required to attend an Ivy League school. The only reason they didn't actually attend one is that they chose not to participate in the dog and pony show required to gain acceptance. White people also liked to believe that they were not born into a privileged enough family to come for the coveted legacy admission. They should always be at the back of your mind as you discuss the Ivy League with a white person once you determine that a white person did not attend an Ivy League school. You should try to give them an opportunity to explain why their school was actually a superior educational experience. Some easy ways to do this mentioned grade inflation professors who value research over teaching or high tuition costs. Any one of these will said a white person off on a multi minute rant when they reach the end of their defense about why they chose the right school. You should say yeah you know I knew a bunch people who went to Harvard and none of them work as hard or as smart as you. This is a very effective technique for gaining acceptance among white people says they need

constant reassurance that they are smart and they made the right choice with their life. If you actually attended an Ivy League school you will be seen as a threat. So prepare for a lot of questions from white people. They will constantly ask about how much work you had the type of students at the school the professors your dorm room your reading lists and they'll try to figure out your S.A.T. score. They desperately need a source of comparison so they can determine if you are actually smarter than them. In fact the only way to stop this line of questioning is to imply that you only got in because of your minority status. Once you say that white people will stop feeling threatened. So they can now believe they too would have it except that an Ivy League school if only they were a minority. It also gives them a personal story about the effectiveness of affirmative action. White people also like to call their school the Harvard of the insert regional athletic conference. Do not challenge this it will ruin their confidence. Now a brief story about that so I attended McGill University I believe Harvard is the McGill of the South. But we do actually say that the Harvard of the North how ridiculous is that. And someone there was a comment

exchange once on the site. And if you if you have the strength to read the comments on Stuff White People like because it is a full on race war and there there's sometimes some amazingly funny stuff in there. So after I put this one up someone wrote I went to the Harvard design school does that mean I'm white common underneath. No it just means you're ruining your life. Touché. Moving on single malt scotch. There's no getting around the subject white people of alcohol from the refined taste in French wine to their fervent consumption of Maine's microbrews. Booze makes up a very important part of white culture. But many white people soon realize there are only so many beers that one can drink. Being an expert on wine is almost impossible. Currently the most realistic way for a white person to look like a wine expert is to look at a restaurant's wine list and then promptly order a bottle of cheap but not the cheapest bottle on the menu. That's why people pretend they recognize and enjoy this moderately priced bottle of wine with beers not remastered and wines normally all but abandoned when people were forced to try to find a new alcohol

snobbishness. The process of elimination is a fairly simple procedure. First any alcohol that is mentioned by a rapper is immediately cast aside. Not just the brands but the alcohol itself. This is not because why people have any prejudice against rappers. Quite the opposite in fact their prejudice is simply against other white people who do what rappers tell them increase sales of Grey Goose Petrone Hennesy and Crystal have effectively raised any real opportunity for white people to participate in snobbery about each respective beverage to a white person there can be no greater shame than waiting in line at a liquor store or having a 20 year old frat boy say to them while you're on that yak too. This is a heiny triumph perhaps the world finace someone that Hennesy even the possibility of this exchange sent white people especially white men scrambling for an alcoholic beverage to set them apart from these wrong kinds of white people. What they found was single malt scotch. It has everything a white person could want. It's got European heritage. It's expensive. College age white people avoid it. And perhaps most important crotchety old white men love it. This latter point is especially important since you can understand that white people for whatever reason are generally inclined to like or force themselves to like anything that angry intelligent old white men enjoy

sweater's jazz things made from wood books books records and complaining about how everything is terrible. Like I actually I'm so guilty of that. I love everything that angry all white men love. One of the worst expert scariest experiences of my life was when I was at a gun range with my friend he's Republican you showing how to shoot. It was horrible. I freaked out like the gun jammed. I thought it was gonna explode. It was a bad experience but next to me there was this old guy who was really fiery in the end. He had an awesome plaid shirt like a million times more awesome than this and these and these spreadable old glasses right like they were. DG incredible amazing. And he was shooting some very large guns and then he had literally a bag of more guns next to him. And like my white person conflict was like I want to know where this guy got his glasses. But they probably good. I'm not going to ask. So I avoided that time. But it's still to this day. They

were like they were amazing. They they're just incredible. But I didn't get shot. So that's a plus. The last one I'm going to read and then have a statement is complaining about the death of print media. White people are expert complainers. Witness the events that transpire after they serve a dish they didn't order in a restaurant but that's about the cleaning is done by all people know what white people are best that is complaining is complaining without being able to actually do anything about the problem. CONAN O'BRIEN Iran oil spills air pollution tuna depletion and any other problem that require them to make a sacrifice of time money or sushi dining experiences. But in recent years the biggest issue that has been bugging white people to the point of complaint but not action has been the death of print media. Bring up any newspaper and you will begin saying how they fear a world with no daily newspaper and then we will all suffer as professional journalists wither away and replaced with silly blogs that have no importance. This love of the print media comes from two places. The first is that all white people like to believe that they spend the majority of their news consuming time reading stories that matter and make a difference. Whether this is true is irrelevant but it's a good way to

appear smart to white people say something like I can't believe no one's getting upset about the city government is doing right now. It's like no one read that amazing piece in the paper. The white person would simply agree with you and respect your news admin. Second white people fear the death of print media because deep down all white people want to believe that it's possible to make a living as a freelance writer. Of course this is perhaps the biggest lie in white culture pushing out such favorites as I'm going to write a novel and I'll be fine for retirement if I start saving when I'm 40. Of course when you ask the white person if they actually subscribe to a daily newspaper they'll say they get the Sunday New York Times which is a bit like saying you sponsor a child in Africa but only give them enough money to eat on Sunday. This is what we like do. So that's sort of you know the book continues and more of the same. But in addition to some of the things the book says about race and class there is a serious thing that I don't talk about so obviously you can tell from how I look and what I write about I'm very much a left wing liberal that I'm Canadian. I didn't have a choice. But the truth is we are we are in a very important struggle for the country right now. And the fact

of the matter is that what we want for the country health care help for the poor. All of these things are good and they're right and we should have these things. But the problem is our attitude our smugness is getting in the way and ultimately we feel as though to convince these people of the right thing to do we end up convincing ourselves because at the end of the day when it comes to health care when it comes to poverty reform or anything like that we don't have to convince Portland Oregon that we're right. We have to convince the Tea Party that we're right. And when we show up in our Prius with a co-exists bumper sticker on the back and look down at them they see us for what we are which is condescending yuppies. And so what I would hope is that we can you know see what I'm making fun of here and take a second and stop patting ourselves on the back for a minute to actually talk with people and be open minded because the truth is we're fairly close minded when it comes to people who don't agree with us. We're open minded when comes to food and all sorts of wonderful things when it comes to people who don't agree with us we're very very close minded. So if we can all just work together to just open our minds a little bit and just listen to actually listen and not be so condescending. I think we could actually make a real difference.

I mean I'm not going to do it. It's too late for me but it would be fantastic if you guys could because. Yeah. Because ultimately when Sarah Palin wins in 2012 I can go back to Canada. You guys are all welcome to come with me. Anyways. Thank you guys very much. Now if you have any questions I'd be happy to answer them questions about white people or anything along those lines. Yes. I don't know. I I thought a long time ago that I run out of material for white people but you know I just keep going to farmers markets and independent coffee shops and I keep overhearing conversations.

And so there's more and more stuff so I really don't know if I'm going to be able to. But but if I can I'd be great. I'll give I'll give it a shot. But I think I might have to take a backpacking trip to Europe and then. Just to refresh my you know my my senses. Yep nothing you really mean that question. I appreciate that you asked it that was that was very good. But I mean I actually do have an answer for it this time because I've had three years to think. Well I had three years to think about it. Yeah. I'm not you know it's fun to get what to do to do what I do and I don't really do all that much. I don't ever forget that. But the fact of the matter is that I've had a lot of teachers and professors say that the book and the blog are actually a great starting point for them to get into a serious discussion about race and class. And so that's a close thing I'm doing. I mean I'm not really doing that myself. I'm still being a smug arrogant annoying Canadian but someone else is doing something great with it. So that's what I'm really doing for races. I hope that helps answer your question. National super uncomfortable.

March 31st 2008 the day I got the book deal. It was a lot of college students getting very the day of I should've been fired though at that point like I'd spent all this time doing interviews and like I was checked out so I know a lot of college students are excited about getting a first job. Quitting your first job. So. So I quit that job. I had to. And actually I ended up getting the job that I dreamt at home my entire life for the last seven eight months now I'm working as a TV writer for a show for MTV that's coming on the fall. It's been it's been amazing it's been a dream come true. So but it's more hours than I've ever worked in my life but it's been it's been awesome. Yep. OK. Let's see. There's a few things. First of all if you try it I mean when you create a site if you create a site with the idea that this is going to get big this is going to be huge. Not going to happen. Right. You honestly everybody knows how to site get really popular and actually know a fair amount. Thanks to there's another conference

held around here every couple years called Raffl Kahn which is amazing the best conference ever if you have a chance to go. It's awesome. And I've met a lot of people who had things go get really popular you know text me last night and all this sort of stuff. No one started with an idea that was going to get bigger. The truth is you don't know that your site is going to be big. And if you start doing something and you're writing to what you think is a perceived audience you end up talking down to them and it ends up not working. And the ultimate thing is if you're doing a site like that then every time someone looks at the site you're saying for this on make me successful do the work for me. And that doesn't work. So you've got to do is create something that's great whatever it is and hope that people find it so great that they can't resist forcing it on. And it'll grow from there. It's much harder. You know it's easier said than done. Like I have no idea how to do it again. So you've just got to keep trying and I think ultimately the best advice though is if you if you blog and you write because you love it take that as its own reward and then see what happens. That's the best advice I can possibly get because I literally I didn't follow any special technique I just wrote it and put it out there and people found it and it exploded. That was it. And that's the same story over and over again for months and haven't except for the people who wrote this is why you're fat they called their shot and they made it

so you got to give them a lot of respect for that. And there's a guy named Jonah Peretti who runs BuzzFeed and he's the best in the world at that. It's his talent for that is on believable. So if you have that ability go for it you'll be a hero to everyone. But it's really hard. You've got to put it out there for the best. Yes. Yes. Oh they become also you said about three times. And as a Canadian I'm always watching out for it just as one of our weaknesses as a people. Of course I mean the hippie commune is like look it's still about privilege about choosing to drop out and do this even I mean like in other countries where you have people you know living off the land subsisting you know just barely enough to get by and eat. That's called poverty. Right. Like that's. Whereas

in white culture it's called being a hippie like it's a choice. And so it is fundamentally a luxury involved with it. So yeah that's that's I'd say is the difference. Yeah. Yeah. White Americans don't have their Canadian passports yet. That's it. I mean the funny thing is the more I've traveled white people are literally literally the same everywhere. Right. Like you know you shoot a few sports things here and there but we're pretty much exactly the same people everywhere you go. And I think that we're It's very strange because we're getting into. You know it's like this is this is like you know Francis Fukuyama like the end of whiteness like this is where do we go from here. Right. And we don't know what we're not going become Republicans. I mean and so but we're all the same the way the world's been connected. Now white people in Europe white people in Australia what people in Canada they're all sort of the same people. And it's it's it's been unbelievable to see how much of this translates to these you know to Australia and we've been in Australia for to get there and like oh yeah this is all this is me and all my friends I'm like wow. All right good job. But we're all exactly the

same so don't even worry about it. So if you move you'll fit right in. Nothing. Nothing to worry about. Yep Yes yes stuff white people like G mail dot com. Go right ahead. No one ever made. Maybe I really have no idea. Like it would be interesting to see what it's going to depend on like. Pretty much an equal distribution of resources across all races and I don't think that we're headed down a path that's going to happen. I mean we're basically heading towards a resource war with you know where race is going to make a huge difference. You know we're looking at you know Canadian reserves obviously predominately white country. You know China in Africa. I mean they're still going to be race based issues coming all the way through so until the resources are spread out evenly I don't think there's any way we can do that and I have no idea how we'd ever get to that point.

Yeah well I dropped out of grad school so I don't know I don't even know what Marks we're talking about anywhere here. Richard Marx is a Richard Marx is probably about Richard Marx. No I think that it's it is going to come down to economy and the fact of the matter is that the racism of the past still plays itself out today. You know what I mean and in terms of wealth distribution in terms of just about everything and so on till all of that can be wiped clean I don't really see an end to it. That would be that would be my guess. Yeah of course. Yeah. Well yeah of course. Oh thank you. Yeah that's where the humor comes from the humor is like all of this stuff is white people. You can Celsius this. Beat OK that's the e-mail I get all the time where people write and they're like I can't tell if you're trying to be funny or not.

And I hate them more than anything. I'm like come on man. I don't think I'm funny that's fine. But you can't even tell that I'm trying. Like come on. But but what. But what I'm writing about was the criticism of is all of these things when humor comes from it. It's it's ultimately everything self-congratulatory right like we not only do we need the markers for ourselves to say look at me unprogressive look at me I'm not racist. We need outward things that show other people that right coexist bumper stickers. I mean like things that just tell other people hey hey that's honoring this guy right there. Oh probably you know 4000 years of unchecked prosperities probably were trying to cover up. You know in the blood of thousands on our hands and things like that so yeah that's probably we're trying to cover up. But I think you know Bruce gets 50 miles to a gallon. That should cover most of it right. Yeah. Well those those issues are directly about race period. And I think but what it says about the class is

that in spite of you know in spite of what we want to believe but the opportunity for others to join this class especially the upper middle class there are still very very real very strong barriers that are there. And I think both of those things were evidence of that. And so especially the class that I write about it believes itself and probably is the most progressive class you know in history in terms of you know ideas and wealth are just beyond anything like that. But at the same time these issues are still there and I think both of those are strong reminders that that before we get into all the issues of class the issue of race is still there. So that's what I say. On those ones. Anybody else. Yes. Yeah. Oh sure. So I'm just I'm just a staff writer. I didn't I didn't create this TV show. It's called Good vibes. It's just like a goofy high school animated show and it's created by David Gordon Green who did Pineapple Express in that movie your highness and Adam Brody is a voice and Tony Hale from Arrested Development and Danny McBride from the in down plays the female sex ed teacher. So yeah it should.

It's been a lot of fun. Anybody else. All right now if you have questions about why you were embarrassed to ask in public. I am more than happy to answer them at the front of the room. Also if for whatever reason you want to take a picture with me I'll just ask that you let me hold the book up. Otherwise people see the photo be like hey you met Seth Rogen. Thanks everybody. Thank you so much for coming out. Here years out of the way. So I just pulled this one of those pictures. From