Crabs; 500

Rule. Good evening I'm Paul Doogue And this is not Washington Week in Review In fact I'm not really sure exactly what it is. You see there is this group in Baltimore that does a satirical comedy show called crabs. And with the election coming up they put together a tape of their most topical material of the past couple of years sort of a news recap I guess. I don't really know. Anyway they've asked me to host this program because well I really don't know that either. But I do know this. I'm Paul Duke and this is not Washington Week in Review. Right. Thank you. Hi I'm Kelly. In a minute

I'll tell you how to get a free gift. But first Time-Life Books is proud to present a brand new series of books that will enhance any library. It's. The Reagan years you'll get. I've got an advisory panel with a black a woman two Jews and a cripple. Yes. Vol. 1 is James Watt the former secretary of the interior. Then the following month you receive an Burford who allows after charges of mismanagement of the Environmental Protection Agency Vol. 3 is Rita Lavelle head of the EPA is toxic waste program who was convicted of lying to Congress. Later you receive Raymond Donovan the indicted former labor secretary. Overall there are a hundred and ten volumes each. Dedicated to a Reagan administration official who has been accused of unethical or illegal conduct all collected for the first time in this beautiful collector's edition. And of course the Michael Deaver volume

comes with space for weekly supplements overcharges keep in there. And now about that free gift. If you go now to order this impressive collector's item you'll receive a FREE appointment to the Supreme Court. So call me Kelly now and make sure you have your credit card handy. But waiting for your call. Thank you thank you. The producers of crabs assure me the show is intended as good clean fun. Of course they also told me Sonia Braga would be my co-host. Thank you. Earth. Day with cards was

to say that you gave me. A pointer are I me. I don't long to load a jail soul I'll repeat you all a few more names. It's an arbitrage use blood. Lol. I said. God. Has no body now come. Back. What rights are. There. Todd Gold mines. No way you can be too red. For sure. That's why I'm soft coal over.

The lawn too. Hard ta in any of the mold. Of softball. Her. Us. Only. OK. Lol this is really the most on you as you was present. I don't really need to remember seeing one life is one of the Living Son Manley is in New York. Yes I'm leaving soon I seem to recall that one of these on the edge of you spoke a lot. Oh oh oh Chip What do you say. I check the field guy out here. What are its distinguishing features.

Well it's quite tall not very fall where you have all those same scrawny. It does have a nifty elsewhere and of course a navy cap. We have nothing here fits that description except the jolts the bushy must humongous target. Both of what did you say was and the joints he bushiness humungous thoughts given to D. Oh heavens to betsy call K.. This can be aired. And X of old George Bush was. Yes mummie I do know. It leads to or I was. Going to ask me. This. I'm originally taken CD in kinetic energy and was transplanted to Texas. Where was fertilize with all. The transplanted once again this time to Walsh we learned adapted very

well to the climate of the capricious nature in the nation's capital. OK perhaps several seconds of. If. I'm thinking oh my. Yes my dear are they all that should be cancelled downing incense right here. Oh no dear. Do you mean waltz. Oh yeah. Oh good all right. Yeah I hear. You doing. Well. $ you know only take you with him. I mean everyone knows it's practically rude.

I have to interrupt it's obvious to me that the show has no regard whatever for truth. There are no sort of good taste. That's what I like about it. It's true the polls have made it clear. Start now with where to win next year. Votes don't really count until November. We don't want to. Put all our names are quite hard to remember. We're going to ride. A little. We do not have a platform we can dance on our behalf and just they are not very nice. We promise we will try to keep our eye on. Them. I was. Telling last. Week you

were going to go out with Democrats. Democrats. There still caucus sided by then. I'm Van Gogh was. Jeffard and Jackson claims a heart attack. Cuomo maybe sneaking in the fact was. We are Democrats. I think Michael Moore. Forget it. Just saw I am the man. Your vote will be forgotten by me and saw her. Like a prize. Oh. The Democrats got us yes we are Democrats Democrats we want to be your president.

They had no right now. Why don't the lightning strike us if you think I don't care. It is all right that we are not paying like that. We may have to roam We're all over that. All ya. Hey Gary Gary how are you what. Gary come on no wake up. But what kind of president are you going to make if you can't even wake up at night. What if you get a call on the hotline. What if one of our SHE if you talk to see what we have to get a blonde down the service elevator when nobody's looking. It's me Jack Kennedy Gary was.

President Kennedy. Well Bob the daughter asked me Shirley MacLaine set this up was the only Mr. President you're my idol. Oh my political role model. I take inspiration from your career. Why are you going to talk like you. I comb my hair like you are yes yes yes and I'm pretty ticked off about it too much. Well Mr. President I think you are the greatest president of the 20th century. Janet with the flattery senator. What I want to know is when you said you wouldn't be the first adulterer in the White House. Who exactly were you referring to. Well it's a pretty well-known fact that you were pretty popular with the ladies. Let me just say this about that. What I did or did not do on my own time both before and after I was president was Sandy is none of your damn business.

What I know and why do you keep bringing it up and about but. Yes yes and furthermore Senator my first priority was always to do what was right for my country to be a great president you must take the high road. You must attack the nation's problems with vigor. You must create a vision of decency in on up. You must get people's minds out of the got up and make them soar in the clouds. Now I have one question. Who is that in bed with you White Mr. President. That's my wife of late. Sure. Before I go Senator I just want to give you this bit of advice if you're going to be indiscreet for God's sake do it with discretion. Or not. You know it's really impossible to host a show like this the best you can do is to make an occasional

quick appearance and then duck. The song. Must. Be.

Cut. My name is Bruce Henson. I'm a male model and I'd like to announce my candidacy for the presidency of the United States. Well you said some progress there. Think for a minute. What's the most important skill for a president to have. That's why posturing

and I can pass through better than anybody no matter what the situation. There's a posture That's right. I've done them all. I'm the best. Ladies and gentlemen it's time we were honest with ourselves about what we really want in a president somebody who looks good. I mean we've had good looking presidents and we've had ugly presidents. But either way they screw up. Some. Of that will go for looks. What makes me different from the other candidates well. Well they wasted their time working in government. I chose the career that prepared me perfectly for the presidency. I'm a male model. Paid for by the persons who were present in committee Russell K George treasurer. We're.

Back. With. You. Will thank you and welcome to the show. It reminds me of a little story.

How many Democrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb. That's right no one. Democrats don't usually books they say they work in the dark. Well so much for my monologue let's get on with the show. Roll the theme you can if you don't know the theme just home Hail to the tree federal before. The thing to. Show. Is a good thing. They called me. And asked if. I. Right in. The. Dog. Eat dog world held up. Like. Like the Reagan presidency. To. Me still the thing Bonnie hears of all this are just like the networks. We're almost. At the park where Donald Regan. Is the with. The big. Break info. I don't think it's George Bush or show what he would say oh quitters will do you and I'm very excited because this week we're going to go to Camp David. I like

going up there and being a part of nature. I can go out and gaze at the stores while mommy reach them. I might. I might even. Get to sneak in a little swimming. And show me which of these do you like best the the Schwinn easy models. Or. Or these. Will. Mommy likes the Speedos too but that's. What I chafe. From. Oh look there's Mommy no. No no Nancy. Drop the damn dog would you shouldn't you look first lady like. Yes well mommy I'm almost ready. You go get the Don Regan book in her house get the marshmallows in the lighter fluid here and right here we're not go with me. Did you ever think how I wonder. See them. What color is. There that let's really. Have a study.

That means it's not a good day to travel or thought it was one of the kids birthdays. Now here's the list of things I want you to do today. Thank you. She fire at me. Fire Frank Carlucci. Pardon Ollie North pardon John Poindexter. Well what do I do first. The firings of the pardons. Or wait a minute wait a minute. Excuse me Miss Michelle could I go oh I am the first lady's. I was a kid that was honest about it and. I. Can. Not. Forget about the future it's the past I'm a little hazy about. When did I first when I first knew about arms for hostages. When did I first know about Noriega's drug dealers who put the BOP and the biopsy but people. Who put the RAM right. Through it that was the Presidents reaction. Listen I think this is getting just a little squirrelly for family

viewing so sure why don't you switch over to C-SPAN and watch them overturn my next veto. And we'll roll the theme Good Night and God bless you. If you're looking for trouble. Why you came to the right place. My name's George Bush. I might just push in your face. Puff up about Bush. With the big bad Bush. And I'm here to tell all you people I'm gonna keep. Talking. How about a little respect for the BBC in the USA. I'm getting a little tell you that. You think you can push me around. I just might end up sitting in the George Bush tough guy talking blues buddy.

Yeah that's right. So look out Dan Rather. Buzz off. For our rip off your head. And then I'll spit in your long. Stay the heck outta my way or you're liable to get bushwhacked. Because I named business this time. That's right buddy. I'm not kidding around this time. It's something I know women need. To have a better mind. Peace wax or you just might end up saying that George Bush tough guy talking. That's right the master never laid a glove on. My legs. Moments go on the way you're making me so. Excuse me a Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.

Are you familiar with the houses of unprotected sex. Last Coke pong skills me. I was doing pretty good here Co. The incidence of sexually transmitted diseases is rapidly on the rise. It is absolutely critical that you use condoms. Take. Me home Bobbie. Oh wait I've been working on this for two months two months home I'm sure your only protection against one of pregnancies and disease. Thank you Johnny. Condom CDnow if you don't mind. Have a nice day. Earlier. The writers have asked me to express their gratitude on behalf of humorist everywhere to the Reagan administration for providing eight years of great material they say and I quote In our book you guys are tops. Although the Democrats have potential if they can ever manage to win an election.

Mr. President. PRESIDENT CARTER Yeah I mean Michael Dukakis I was wondering if we could talk for a few moments we're going to caucus. Yes I thought you might be stopping by I want to just pull up a rock over there. Thank you sir. I made it myself you know. Now thank you. All right I'm looking to do for you. Well sir I'm running for the presidency. Oh yeah I believe I heard that I think I think Roland mentioned that when we were playing up the close ups of the. Yes well you see I have this problem. Oh. Well so you see people think I'm black. Yeah. Will you all blame Mikey.

I am not don't get your shorts in a wad son. Listen to him homeboy Brian. Doggone it I am not bland. Now go nurture it's nothing to be ashamed of you have to be to get elected. I am not bland. I'm bad. I don't know. That. I got news. For you. If you want to. Just keep the good. If you try. If you show. Too much. Money and. Please read. My. Mind. You. Don't want to win. You got to work.

For. This. While. I. Was. With the. Book and I. Know. This. Week. I. Know. I'll be back. This show is now over. Go to bed.