And Baby Makes Two

A. They say Single people are lonely and you want to a certain degree. Is she going to think that I'm a very promiscuous person. Is she going to think that my morals are loose.

The reason I selected artificial insemination is because I didn't know anybody with whom I wish to raise a child. I really am angry at my mother for not telling me what a writer was really like. Hello I'm Donna Martin. For most of us the traditional family still means a husband and wife who bring up their child or children together for a great number of hours that's simple definition no longer applies. The Census Bureau tells us that half the children born today will at some point live with only one parent usually the mother. Many single parent homes are the result of divorce of the death of a spouse but not always. More and more saying that women are choosing to balance the demands of a career with those of raising a child alone. All the 60000 babies born in Maryland in 1980 almost 26 percent were to on Wed mothers compared to a 17 percent national average. Most of

those books were to women over the age of 20. But as the number of babies born to unmarried women increases the what women are putting their babies up for adoption as they might have 15 or 20 years ago. This is especially true for women in their mid 20s to late 30s. Often their education is behind them. Their established job or career and largely because of a high divorce rate there is less of a stigma attached to being a single mother. Older women may also feel the pressure of their biological time clocks. Doctors say they may not be as fertile and their babies run a greater risk of birth defects. The longer they wait. The father we will meet will talk about their decisions to go it alone. Three of those women did not consciously plan their pregnancies the other two made deliberate decisions to become single mothers. Who. When you're growing up you're going to school you always brought up oh you grow up you get married you have kids you do it that way.

That's the way I was brought up to think I didn't work out that way. I grew up I was single I was one. I had a baby. He is one. Would you put us together and baby make us until. Kathy was twenty nine when she found herself pregnant. She didn't believe in abortion and didn't want to give her baby up for adoption. She said she couldn't live never knowing where he was or what had happened to him. I sat down by myself many a night by myself. And I just really thought about it I thought about having one by myself when I'd be able to do it when I'd be able to handle the baby. The problems that would go with everything knowing that this baby would be dependent on me and me alone. The main decision was if I really wanted to do it and I thought about it and I thought I did. Kathy had a casual relationship with Kenzie's father when she told him she was pregnant. He denied the child was his and has never seen his daughter.

That says Kathy I think if the baby's father would even have just taken an interest in name to the point to have knowledge enough just to say OK he's really here and he's rolling and go in there then things would be I think a lot better for the baby in the long run I think it's really going to be hard on Kinsey when he gets older. But I'm going to be there to make up for whatever I can. Her parents supported her decision but her father had his doubts. He said to me Catherine. You're going to take on an awful big burden. And I said to him Dad if I look at it as a burden it's going to be a burden. I didn't plan on looking at it as a burden there are looked at it as a learning experience not only for me but for the baby would be something new to both of us. We would learn together and hopefully enjoy it together. Her family helps out with babysitting when she is in a bind. But for the most part Kathy is off

her salary as a switchboard operator and receptionist barely covers her expenses. All my extra money goes towards the baby it goes towards the food the clothing the doctor visits. So financially it is very very tight. Kathy also feels the emotional strain. It's frustrating. It is very frustrating at times and many a time I have faced through the house with him in the middle of the night. And he just cried with teething or he's got a stomach ache and I just walk with him and you just you can't sue them and it gets to the point where. You just cry with them and you walk and you cry which you do relieve a lot of your tensions that way which is good. But you can't turn to someone and say Can you please take them for a while I just can't do anything. There's no one there. You can look in the mirror and see it yourself. And that's about as far as you're going to get with it. But despite the hardships Kathy says she has no regrets. He has more or

less fulfilled and emptiness I think when you're single. They say Single people are lonely and you are to a certain degree. There are many nights when you said you're just really down and out and you have the baby here and he just smiles at your goals with you and you can get down on the floor and play with him or just feed name or whatever and just things that they do. They make you forget your loneliness. And they make you feel like you are human you are a person with with. A purpose. In life. And they just love you to death. And you love them back. I wanted to be if. I was going to be a parent. Because I thought. Raising and having a child raising It was a very important part of life. I did not grow up. Wanting to be a single parent. But there were no prospects of marriage. And I was getting older and in my 20s I.

Had put 35 is the cutoff date because I didn't want to be 40 years old and having. My first child. And. To me having a child was more important than me married. Karen works six days a week as a nurse and she is the mother of two year old Jonathan when she first found out she was pregnant. She told her family and friends it was an accident she admits now she was sloppy with birth control because she wanted a baby. But as much as she wanted Jonathan and planned for him there were some realities of parenting that Karen says she wasn't prepared for. I was 13 when my brother was born. I helped raise him I babysat. And I thought I knew so much. I mean I thought and I was a nurse in maternal child health. Taking care of babies in the nursery sick babies this baby that you know just doing all these kinds of things. And I thought I was very well equipped that you know and I brought this book on nursing and just had these visions of my bill

my Bentwood Rocker had to come up and be by the fireplace even though we've been there you know I probably would have wanted my father to put wood in the fireplace. And. This baby. You look at. Bakley the way I was only six pounds I can I don't like Will big babies you have hair. I don't want a ball baby. So he was exactly what I pictured. If I could have said what I wanted. He was beautiful in the hospital. Never cried I thought oh it's all coming true. I got home a walked in the door and he started. And of course I had my mother telling me what to do. And and his raise seven every But my sister who has now I was about ready to go to Shepard Pratt for about a week of the hair you know and I thought My God what have I done. What what have I done.

I really I'm angry at my mother for not really telling me what it what it was really like you know because I was under the you know she made it look so easy that that's the way I thought it was going to be. And it wasn't and it isn't. Harvard. Karen didn't want Jonathan's father to be part of their lives. She's proud she can support herself and her son though she works overtime to do it. She does get help from her family which makes it easier to cope. I'm very lucky in that I have he's got a lot of role models. I've got a father. Two brothers and a brother in law. And that are the male role model and he's got an aunt who he loves most as much as me. And they're all different. They all give different things to him. They offer something different. And. They're starting to have more more to do with him as he gets a little and they can communicate with him. So

I haven't for one time and since I've had the baby have I felt bad that he does not have a father. I have never had any guilt about that at all. People have told me that I should. And but I don't. 17 years ago to the society is not the same. Side as attitude today. It is very difficult to be or it was very difficult to be a single parent. Fifteen years ago it just wasn't acceptable behavior it was definitely a no no. But I've never really concerned myself with what society it was a very personal decision it was a very private decision and it had no relation to society. It was what I wanted to do for freedom.

Balancing child care with an education and a career began when she was still in college. Although society's attitude didn't matter to her mother's opinion did. Like I said my concern was how was she going to feel about me she going to think I'm not a very nice person. Is she going to think that I'm a very promiscuous person. Is she going to think that my morals are lose those things concern you because you do want your parents to be proud of you. I did have some concern about that and she was disappointed. And as I indicated she let me. But after she got over being. Angry or. Frustrated or whatever emotion she was feeling at the time she said Is it OK. What are we going to do. Freida son Tony lived with his grandmother on and off to finish college and then established herself in her career. She now heads the research department of a large corporation in Baltimore. Tony's father was never involved in bringing the subject as a sensitive one with freedom.

I have very little contact with Toby's father and I really don't want to get in get into that. It was a it was a decision that I made. I made the decision. Not really considering. His position. Concerning the situation. And he just. He just didn't play a role. Not at all. And he still does. When I think about my father. But. It really doesn't matter because my mother's there always be there. He hasn't given me anything for 17. Doing elementary school with my grandmother and his mother so we never really talked about anything so never came up in a conversation so I never really had to talk about my

freedom. Mary briefly though it didn't work out she says she would like to marry again. She insists that Tony's uncle and other relatives and friends have been a good substitute for her son. She says she has always been able to most of Tony's emotional needs in return. He has had to learn that his mother's career is important to her as is her need for space and privacy. He was expected to take care of himself and share housekeeping responsibilities at an early age. Both mother and son say their relationship is a close one. My relationship with my mother has the highest respect for her because I knew that she had it. Because to get along with. We are just alike. And we. Since we're both alike it's like she was she always says it's like looking at herself in the mirror. I don't think that Tony has suffered. Or.

Has been denied. Anything because. He has he is. The child of a single parent. I feel that. The most important thing to a child is love and security and I don't feel that that love and security necessarily have to come from two parents. One of them I guess I'm just old fashioned and I'm going to say yes I think marriage is important and I think marriage is important to create a family unit that gives the child the kind of sustained sustenance I should I should say which is emotional as well as physical in terms of the development of the child living and rushing to and has counseled unwed mothers for a number of years. I think parenthood Roberta's responsibility. And being a parent. Or the support of a spouse. We are a char that are apparent through the ball.

And. Over the course of their group. I don't think people realize what that course can do. In terms of what a person has to do. Bad Self really. Experts warn that a single mother often doesn't anticipate the changes a child will make in her relationship to other people. To her parents the single mother is no longer a child but a woman with adult responsibilities. She may not be able to go out as often as her single friends and the men she dates may feel threatened if they think she is looking for a father for her child. There are numerous reasons ryot child takes a heavy emotional and financial toll on single parents. It is harder to measure the impact of the Trend on their children. Research on what happens to children who are brought up in single parent families is mainly based on families in which this from divorce. In general the literature doesn't show that the tremendous emotional problems in these children many of them do surprisingly well. About the only thing that research

supports is that the somewhat greater incidence of juvenile delinquency among children. Now whether this will also be true you know among mothers or children of mothers. Who made the choice. To have him Singley remains to be seen. Some experts fear that mother and child may become too close. I think many women who choose to do that do it because. They have a tremendous need to be loved. Without really really thinking through. You know one of may mean to a child. The relationship between them and their mother might be so intense and the mother may have such a great need for these children to achieve to succeed to prove her own adequacy that these children might feel a great deal of pressure. Rosenberg says that too much responsibility may be placed on the child that the independence and

maturity the child develops can be both positive and negative. And their behavior is like a little of the old. But when you do more and depth of our way to personality about lation testing. You realize that this maturity is a very defensive. Maturity that on the neath it the very scared little kids who are afraid to be spontaneous and who take on. Is the suit I don't throw my responsibility have to define what we mean. If we mean sort of the day to day living responsibilities of sharing in the household and learning to be able to manage yourself and learning to be self-sufficient. I think those are the same responsibilities that the child of any working mother experiences and rather than seeing those as negative I view those as very positive. Both psychologists agree on the importance of the male role model.

I think it is very important. In terms of developing one's own. Sexual identity. Girls get a lot of feedback about their own from an entity on the basis of how a father relate breweries use a father to model themselves after I don't know a single mother who has chosen to raise her child by herself. Who lives on a desert island. Every one of them manages to live somehow in a world that's filled with the other half of the human race which is the male. And in fact these women often take special care to make sure that there are nails that become part and parcel of the child's life for such important skills as birth growing and and you know how to shave your face and so forth so that Grandpa and brothers of the mother and extended family members friends neighbors and so forth are all

around and they're part of the child's life. Virginia Rhodes knew a coed it's a magazine called single parent. She's talked of dozens of single mothers and finds that despite their independent lifestyles they still retain traditional values. And I think that most of them do want to get married. Everyone I've ever interviewed said yes that someday she wants to get married. And. About half of them do marry after about five years. Most of them say that. They just like any other woman they want to get married and have a family it's just they are doing it in reverse order. So far the women we've seen became pregnant accidentally. There are other women who have acted consciously and aggressively to become single mothers. My decision to become a single mother came about because at some point in my life a few years ago. Dawned on me that I might not ever get married again.

Joanne is divorced. Part of the reason her marriage broke up was a disagreement over children. She wanted them very much and her husband did not. Three years ago she was single again and decided to adopt. I go with her because I'd always been told that there were so many babies that that needed family and it didn't really make. For me to try to have a baby littering my age. And the fact that I come from a diabetic family I thought that was going to strike a gang of eight that I didn't really have a hang up about it. So I started looking into that rather than getting pregnant myself right within the past few years. Adoption agencies have changed their regulations to allow single people to adopt because there are so many more black than white children available for adoption. Joanne says she found the process surprisingly easy. She was able to bring the Lina home within a few months. I knew that my life would change and that my life would no longer be

completely my own. I knew that I'd have to make a lot of sacrifice. I wasn't really overly concerned about that. My initial concerns were really financial my purport of them but I think a very good. I planned for all of them did not fall into place automatically. I looked for a babysitter for my daughter long before I actually had a daughter so that the film was already in place. Joanne found that after she adopted Selena she began to look for different qualities in the men she dated. My attitude toward dating changed because looking at man jobs or the whole socialization. I've looked at a man and you know does he like children. You'd be willing to roll around in the draft and play ball and go to the park. That kind of thing. So in that respect my dating pattern did. I'm not

opposed to marriage at all. The matter of fact I'm going to be getting married in the near future. It just didn't happen before the adoption. Well I basically chose to become a single mother because I wasn't married and I had always wanted to be a mother and I had explored single adoption for some years. But Roberta discovered it would be years before a white baby would be available rather than wait. She decided on an unconventional alternative to a medical procedure she was impregnated with the sperm of an anonymous donor. The reason I selected artificial insemination is because I didn't know anybody with whom I wish to raise a child. And since raising a child is is a. Serious business. And since I was seriously going to have to do it alone I wanted to be left alone to do it rather than having to deal with somebody with whom I had not. Made an agreement about child. So artificial insemination allowed me to

have some knowledge about family history and medical history. And to maintain anonymity on both sides about US government job pays well enough for her to leave her to live comfortably. She has no plans for marriage she says. She hasn't met the right person. I feel she was better prepared for motherhood than many women who get pregnant by accident. She is even ready for the questions only she will have about her daddy. She came to me one day and told me that she had a daddy in the living room. And and I said no you don't and she said yes I do and I said no you don't. Some children have daddies and some children don't and. So forth and so on and she accepted that and several times since then she has said to me my daddy is in such and such a place in the living room or upstairs or or at my school. And my reaction. And she knows that's a game she understands that's a game. So my reaction is is he really I didn't know you had daddy. And that's fine.

She understands she doesn't. Some Psychologists warn that children of single parents may develop a tremendous need to know their origins that without knowing their fathers they will feel incomplete. Roberta says that if Alicia insists on finding her father she will do what she can to help her daughter. She will also tell that unlike an adopted child she was never rejected by anyone but was very much wanted for a growing number of single women. The warnings and the problems are not nearly as strong as their desire to raise their own children. Well most people fear that there will be. More. Older women. Having children outside marriage. Fewer younger women. And as. The baby boom babies mature. They see. The upward climb and the ratio. Of. Never married births leveling off. But for society. To say it is going to have to adapt to this because. They said it doesn't have

any other choice. His children are here and their mothers are not making apologies for it anymore. Well I think. Society is certainly changing. In the past decade we've just had the 1980 census completed. And the increase in nontraditional family unit certainly certainly is apparent. From where I sit though. I don't believe that the increase in single parent families is going to destroy our society. I think that. Healthy Family members can certainly result. I think we need to pay a lot of attention though to the sorts of supports that these new kinds of families are going to need. And I really think that is important. But the other thing I think are jobs with more flexible hours to enable a parent. To be both parent and employee and good employees. I think daycare is very important in daycare not just from 9:00 to 5:00 but also available for jobs that are nine

to five jobs and to enable a single parent to have some time for themselves. There is also a need for emotional support systems like parents without partners a national network of support groups. In coming together. Single parents have a chance to socialize compare notes and for each other encouragement. More on married women are joining the ranks of single parents. They admit it's tough but they are also confident they can do as good a job of parenting as many married couples. The impact of this trend on the children involved and on society remains to be seen. But one thing we do know women today are exercising a freedom of choice their mothers never have. They can pursue careers as well as raise children. Raising children used to mean marriage but the high divorce rate has in many cases remove the stigma of motherhood outside of marriage. But there is a price to be paid for this freedom. Budgets are stretched thin. Time for oneself is rare and the fatigue of constant they don't

none of the women we talked to regret their decision. For them the chance to be a mother was well worth the price. I'm Donna Martin. Good night.