Tales of Haven Bay

Here are 11 promo spots for the Tales of Haven Bay after these the actual programs begin. This is Robert Knobb for HBTV. The top story today is the Tales of Haven Bay. It's fast-breaking and hard-hitting even if it is radio. This is Kate Sharp, F and G. Listen to Tales of Haven Bay, or else. I'm Darlene, your waitress. You could have the Yuppie platter, black bread, raw fish, and bean curd. Or you could listen to Tales of Haven Bay.

It's our special today on this radio station. Well, howdy. I'm backstrap, and I just do a lot of the chores around here in Haven Bay, and I was just wondering if you'd all want to tune in to the Tales of Haven Bay here on this radio station. This is Bernie Watt. I run the bear pit. When I'm not feeding jujubees to my bear as Marelda, I'm listening to Tales of Haven Bay on this radio station. It's the greatest thing since Louis Lamore. This is Gloria Scalding. I know what good radio is all about, and Tales of Haven Bay is good radio. Listen to it on this station. It'll help their ratings. Hello. Hello, this is Willy Vinky. I happen to be the musical director of the Winter Wagner Festival here at Haven Bay. If you know when the clap do tune in to this station, if you don't, don't bother. Well hello there, darling.

This is Johnny Day, your DJ. Whenever I'm not on the radio myself, I'm generally listening to the Tales of Haven Bay over this public radio station. Talk to me. This is Lars talking on the mic. I work for Miss Chadwick. If you want to hear a good smorgasbord of fun, listen to this public radio station and Tales of Haven Bay. This is to a zoo. Whenever we're in this section of the galaxy, we listen to Tales of Haven Bay. It's a lot of, how do you say it? It's a lot of fun. Receive it from this public frequency modulated transmitter. This is Dr. Richard Face. For good mental health, I advise you to listen to Tales of Haven Bay on this public radio station.

My receptionist will give you a time. Haven Bay Episode 1 Welcome to Haven Bay. Just another sleepy Alaska fishing town, maybe a little bit like the one you've lived in. Johnny Day is my handle. I spend the records over the radio station here. Every all day and all day's country. That's my motto. It's a happy station because Haven Bay is a happy little town, pretty place too, ain't it? You can see most everywhere from the radio station here, right over there across the street is a bear pit, for instance, noisiest bar in Alaska. Brawl and Barney Watt runs the place.

He's got a good heart. But he can race the underration when they try to make him get rid of the dancing girl or when the fishing game folks want him to shut down because of his bear, Esmeralda. Barney tries to pass her office fears. Truth be told, Esmeralda's as tame as you or me. But she's good for the tourist trade and helps Barney compete with the crab plot. Now that's the high class establishment out the road, owned by Antoinette Place. It's got this huge tank full of Dungeon S, right in the restaurant, and tourists pick the ones they want to eat, lots of quiet music in the background, nice view of the harbor. It's also where the high and mighty and Haven Bay go to drink, folks like Dr. FaZe, the local shrink, or glorious calling. She's a woman that runs this radio station, or Abelonia Chadwick, the young girl that owns a propine cardiodorizer plant.

She inherited it from her folks, and I think it's all for funny her running a factory, one of them a spacey hippie type, you know, but she seems to like it just fine. That building there is the greasiest boom, it's got a proper name, but it's an Esperanto. The people that run it are nice folks, even though I can't understand them. And the fella coming out of it heading this way is Addison Wat, born his older brother and my best friend, he's terribly smart, and what most folks would call an eccentric inventor, though truth to tell, I'd like to know who ain't eccentric in Haven Bay. Addison made a whole pile of money when he was a young man, and now he just tinkers with things in that shop of his. Addison, it's nice to see you just talking about you. Come on in. I have troubling matters, roiling the dark waters of my soul today. Have you noticed anything peculiar lately about Haven Bay?

More peculiar than usual. For instance, the economic health of the town. Well, I must admit, things seem to be kind of slow in Haven Bay these days, money-wise. Well, he was just saying the other day that he didn't think business at the bear pit was up to snuff for the middle of the tourist season. Now look out the window at Main Street. Notice anything? No, can't say as I do. Precisely. This is the very pinnacle of the tourist season. Main Street should be littered with the crawling horde. Arms loaded with my grandparents went to Alaska shirts, but look, a bare smathering of cameras, the latest sprinkling of white polyester leisure suits. Why, you can even drive down the street without hitting one. And that's not all. I just met with Mr. Creplock on the street from the Locke Caboots. Sales of Smoked Salmon are way down. And now look at the back page of yesterday's newspaper. Second shopping bag of remunerous prints washes up on beach.

Addison, surely you don't mean. I'm afraid so, Johnny, I don't know exactly what it is, but tourist chart disappearing. This project was supported in part by a grant from the Alaska State Council on the Arts with distribution made possible by the Alaska Public Radio Network. Sales of Haven Bay was produced at Raven Radio in Sitka, Alaska. Haven Bay Episode 2. Glad you're back for another chapter from the tales of Haven Bay. Last time you met Johnny Day, the Lady DJ at the radio station.

Her friend, Addison Watt, the inventor, suspects it tourists are disappearing from town. How mysterious. That would really upset some of the folks who live in Haven Bay, but then again others probably wouldn't even notice, like the people who run the factory, there too busy training the latest batch of seasonal workers. Welcome recruits to Pro Pine, the largest and most advanced hard-eodorizer plant in the world. As you look around you, you see the unmistakable happy faces everywhere. These Pro Pine smiley-faced car deodorizers hang from the rearview mirrors of the finest cars in every corner of the world. So stand tall recruits and walk proud. You're working for Pro Pine, the undisputed leader in the field of car deodorization. Yeah, we can do it, we can make the cars of the world smell like the lush forests of our beloved Haven Bay, because we care about what we do, because we love it so.

You will all report to your workstations in a minute, but first you must meet the young lady who makes it possible for us to work, to earn, to make the smell like pine trees, who gives us the opportunity to really make a difference in the world. The little lady who signs our checks, abalone our shadowy. Okay, boys and girls, you can call me Abby, okay? I'm the plan owner that is true, but the question you need to ask is, what is ownership? I was just reading about different forms of worker ownership, I mean, I really didn't know where the country is going or anything, but it's what I would be thinking about if I wasn't a plan owner, anyway, I wanted to think of this plan as yours too. My pad is your pad, you know? Your pad is our pad, she can't hear you, your pad is our pad, and where is that pad?

Well, Miss Dad, would you charm them again? Call me Abby Lars, and it was you two who charm them, you and me both of us. Lars, you've been forming here longer than anyone, what do you think of these new workers? Well, if you want to know the truth Miss Abby, the workers seem to get softer every year, but we'll toughen them up and make them propine the prawns. Look at them Lars, they're all so sweet. Like children Miss Abby, that's why they need discipline then. You can't just let them go home at any time, like last week, for instance, when that scent different clinging, his moon had moved into opposition tomorrow. So that was an astrological emergency, Lars, and anyway, I don't want them to respect me, I want them to love me.

Love doesn't get the card the older Isis made Miss Abby, but you're wrong, love can do anything. It can make a fern or a flower grow, or it can put a mischievous smirk on a puff of lips, or it can take a snapshot of all this and rip it tear down on mother's face, it glistens in the sunlight and warms the heart of a nearby miser. Or it could make the best hot, ziggity every lovin' card the older Isis in the world. You're right Miss Shadwick, it's love that makes this plant run and love that brought these fine rich rich here, love, love, I love your rich rich, and I love you Miss Abelonia Shadwick. Call me Abby. This time you'll meet some more of Haven Bay's residents, hope you're listening. This project was supported in part by a grant from the Alaska State Council on the Arts with Distribution Made Possible by the Alaska Public Radio Network. Tales of Haven Bay was produced at Raven Radio in Sitka, Alaska.

Haven Bay Episode 3 About the only time I'm not listening to Haven Bay Radio is when my aerobics class is on TV. I like the radio station a lot and so do most of my neighbors. It makes us all feel good about living in Haven Bay, but you haven't really had a chance to hear it yet have you, well we can fix that. And that was our own Haven Bay Rangers with the Halibut Holddown. You're listening to the happy sounds of Haven Bay Radio. This is Johnny Dei, your DJ. We'll be back with a few calls right after these messages.

Live music, live dancing girls, even a live bear. That's right. It's Barney Watts, Bear Pit, Haven Bay's best bet when you're a deep down thirsty. Let Barney show you a good time tonight. Door is open at, well heck, the door is never closed at the Bear Pit, so come on down. Or an evening of some surest dining, try Haven Bay's most exclusive restaurant, the Krab Pot. Owner and operator Antoinette Place knows what quality seafood dining is all about and her train staff of culinary experts promise you an evening of dining pleasure in the best Alaskan style. Pick your own crab from the newly restocked Krab Lagoon, or try one of the many lunch specials priced just right, the Krab Pot, serving the soul of Alaska. You're listening to the happy sounds of Haven Bay.

Haven Bay Radio. Long May come. Yes, music lovers, it's that time again. Season tickets are on sale now for this year's Vinter Vognor Festival. This year's festival will be the best ever, highlighted by a new production of the ring cycle featuring Alaska's finest operatic stars. Tickets are sure to sell out early, especially for the grand finale at the Old War. So come on over to your festival office and buy yours today. That word from the Winter Ragnar Festival reminds me. The water patrol call to say that you should check your boats due to the heavy rain yesterday. So what else is new, eh? Let's see who's on the line now. This is Johnny Day. Talk to me. Yeah, Johnny. I still got that Evan Root, just like me, but I'm looking to trade for a double ride run again. I'll be here for the next-

Sally. Is that the Evan Root you went over the log with last week? Yeah, well, I've got the blade back and they don't ride the tube right now. Well, glad to hear it, Sally. Good luck and bye now. This is Johnny Day. Talk to me. Yeah, Johnny. People are letting their chickens run around town loose, and I think it's a darn shame. Mm-hmm. Last night, my dog nearly choked it out on a wishbone, and then he kept coughing up feathers all over the living room carpet. Well, that does sound like a problem, dear. Maybe one of the chickens will call in and give their side of the story. Thanks for calling. This portion of today's show is brought to you by Haven Bay's own propine brand-cardiodorizers. Their fragrant pine scented aroma will bring the smell of Alaska into your car or truck. And don't forget to try their new, heavy-duty boat deodorizers, too. Look for the happy face on the box, propine cardiodorizers. Their sense, save you dollars, you're listening to Haven Bay radio.

We've got time for one more call before we get back to the music. Let's see if it's another one about chickens. Mrs. Johnny Day, talk to me. Mrs. Edison. Well, hello. Folks, we've got inventor and fireworks man Edison Watt on the line. You're calling about the chickens, Edison? I'm calling about a different kind of foul-play, Johnny. I'd like to ask anyone with information about suspicious activity concerning tourists, especially in the vicinity of the Earth's Earth, to give me a call down at my shop. What kind of activity, Edison? I can't say any more at present, Johnny. Thanks. You heard the men, folks, and now it's back to more good-time country music here on Haven Bay Radio. Johnny, what was that all about? Oh, hello, Mrs. Golding. That was Edison Watt. He thinks tourists are disappearing in Haven Bay. Tourists?

Well, thank goodness it's not listeners. Oh, come on, Mrs. Golding. Tourists are people, too, you know, just because you own the radio station. Johnny, you're my best employee, but don't bother me with chickens or tourists right now. I've got other things to worry about. I wonder just what other things Gloria Scalling is worrying about. Guess we'll have to wait to the next chapter to find out. This project was supported in part by a grant from the Alaska State Council on the Arts, with Distribution Made Possible by the Alaska Public Radio Network. Tales of Haven Bay was produced at Raven Radio in Sitka, Alaska. Haven Bay, program 4. One of the nice things about Haven Bay is that even people who might not get along with

each other still manage to work together when the good of the town is at stake. This recent economic depression has got a lot of the local business people worried. That's why we find the rather unusual situation of Barney Watt, the owner of the bear pit, sitting in the crab pot the restaurant of his chief competitor and when at place, and at the same table, too. Well, I think if we want more tourists, we have to do something special, cultural events. That'll cost too much. A town beautification project? Ah, not everybody's so picky. People like rustic atmosphere. But not to the point of being uncomfortable. Think how nice it would be if you made it even just a little bit easier to walk into your place and got rid of that awful bear. Tony, that bear is a little bit... It's Antoinette. Alright. Antoinette, leave the bear out of it. Let's just stick to the town, okay?

We're not here to decorate my bar, and how should you know anyway? I've never seen your mug inside my plate. I know exactly what kind of establishment you run, and don't be truckulent. Since we're on this tourist tripling team together, we might as well be civil, Barney. It's Barney. Yes. Quite. Barney. What on earth? What is this? This is a fish, ma'am. A big fish. You know what a fish is, and I don't care how big it is. Take it around to the back door. I did. It wouldn't fit through the back door. Yes, yes. Well, take it through these doors to the kitchen. Oh, good. Grish. Wait a minute. How much is that baby weight? 148 pounds. I got it out of the 20 pound text. What's Tony giving you a pound for it? Oh, by 50 cents. Come on, get it out of here. Yeah, not so fast now. Tell you what, I'll give you two dollars a pound for that fish. It's old, mister.

I can't do that. That's my fish. I got to make a living. Oh, all right, $2.25. $2.50. $3. $5. This is ridiculous. $10. All right. No one here prices it's so high. No. And to a net here. No, get it out of here. I wondered where I'd get today's lead story. Local restaurateurs hold auction during lunch hour. Very funny, Bob. Bob, do you know Barney what? Barney, this is Bob. No. The television recorder. It's not. I know, Bob. Now I'm from down at my place. What are you doing here at the competition? Moving up, eh? I was supposed to meet someone here, but it looks like I've been stood up. I hope you'll excuse me. I have some important things to do. Bigger fish to fry, eh? What's Antoinette enough about? She just spent more cash since you wanted to do. Well, I gotta get back to the bear pit. I'll walk with you if I can bear it. Very funny. You know, I never knew Harry got that big. I'm surprised Robert Nob wasn't more curious about that fish. It makes me curious enough to want to hear the next chapter of Tales of Haven Bay.

This project was supported in part by a grant from the Alaska State Council on the Arts, with distribution made possible by the Alaska Public Radio Network. Tales of Haven Bay was produced at Raven Radio in Sitka, Alaska. Haven Bay Episode 5 Last time we found Barney Watts talking with his chief rival Antoinette Place, at her restaurant, The Crab Pot. The Crab Pot is very swank by Haven Bay Standards. You could never tell who you were running to there.

Of course, that was delicious, darling. This is the Crab Pot, isn't it? See you tomorrow. Of course, where else would you go? Oh, hello. You must be the couple from California that called. Your table is right over there. You're welcome. That's the first tourist I've seen in there all day. Well, there's nothing wrong with a good solid business of regulars, but it does seem that the tourist trade is shrinking fast. Gabby, look over the last week's receipts. See how much of it is in checks. That's how all the locals pay. In the meantime, you might want to do something about miss golfing that on the radio station. She's been downing vodka gimmots since she came in an hour ago. Oh, a hostess's work is never done. Gloria, Gloria's scolding. How lovely. I didn't see you behind that bird until Gabby pointed you out. What are you doing hiding here all by yourself? I'm getting drunk.

But what? What? Because I'm going to lose the station if people keep canceling their ads. That's poor qua. I have noticed a slight downturn in Haven Bay's business making. A slight downturn. Bra manufacturers in the 70s experienced a slight downturn. What I'm going through is a catastrophe. Oh, don't be so dramatic. Lori from the drugstore, she cuts her ads from twice a day to twice a week and added a hardware. She's dropped his sponsorship of the Smelt Derby Spots. Mary and Luke from the grocery have cut their advertising by two thirds. And these are merely the beginning. I bet I've lost a third of my advertising budget just while I've been sitting here. Have they told you why? It's always the same way. The tourists seem to be disappearing and businesses down. They say they don't need to advertise for the locals. Since everybody in Haven Bay knows what's in all the stores anyway,

it's the tourists who used to come in because of the ads. Ed says they used to tell him, I should probably have waited till I got home to buy a table saw, but your ad was so cute. Now he says he hasn't sold a table saw to anybody in weeks. You poor deer, here. Let me freshen your drink. You're my last true friend. Now, Gloria, you just go to the little girl's room, and when you come back fresh, your drink will be tuned. Thanks. I'm making such a fool myself. Gabby, quick. Before she comes back, did you work over the receipts? You bet, boss. And she's right. This tourist thing is putting a bid on us. Nothing but local checks. I figure businesses down 70%. That couple from California eating here now is just the first tourist sense about last. The tourist thing. She's coming back. I feel so much better. Antoinette. Business is bad, and I may lose the radio station, but at least I haven't been friends like you to pull me through.

I'm so glad we both agree that it's friendship that's truly important. Gloria, dear. Now I know you'll understand that it's nothing personal. Or it's nothing personal. Well, this awful lack of tourists, dear. Simply leaves me no choice. We'll have to cancel those lunch special ads this week. Oh, no. Well, now at least we know what Gloria's calling's trouble is. I have a feeling that might be important later. This project was supported in part by a grant from the Alaska State Council on the Arts with distribution made possible by the Alaska Public Radio Network. Tales of Haven Bay was produced at Raven Radio in Sitka, Alaska. Haven Bay, episode number six.

I always find that the best gossip in a town like Haven Bay has to do with who's seeing whom. A recent item has it that that television reporter from HBTV is seeing the young lady that owns the pro pine factory. Hi, Bobby. Don't call me. Oh, just remember, nobody else can call me that. Well, it has just the same numbers as your real name, and it rhymes too. So, Carmichael, it's really better. Why not your karma for standing me up? Lunch! Oh, gosh, lunch! What time is it? After. Lunch. Oh, I'm so sorry, Bobby. I was meditated, and then I had a massage and the interviews for people. And you know I'm hungry.

Just hearing you makes me hungry again. Bobby! What are you doing now? Talking to you? I mean, we're going to say the next hour. I don't know. Can you hold on? How tight? Bobby! Gloria, and what do I have to do today? At 1 o'clock, you are seeing your astrologer. At 1.30, the head of advertising is coming up. At 2 p.m., you get your color stop. At 2 p.m., you have your iris reading. At 3, you have to check the payroll. And at 4 p.m., you are assessing the new plan film strip. Ooh, the new plan film strip. Oh, well, how about we set the film up now and cancel all the other stuff? Yes, ma'am. Bobby, Bobby. Yeah, here with the scope. I love the way you talk. So, newsy. Can you come over right now? Surprise. I think I have some totally tofu, okay? What's that? Some kind of martial art? Never mind.

I'll track it down. See you in ten. No, not ten. Make it seven. That's a better number. Okay, I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. Propine is modern liver. I've written a script myself. In the early years of Chadwick Industries, now known as propine, these items were made. Behold, the hourly atomizer. Sent in a sniff hankies. The smells a lot spray. But these products were just the beginning. With the discovery of a secret process to produce a revolutionary new client scent.

The Chadwicks went on to revolutionize. The automobile deodorant. Oh, I love them, mom and dad. The prime sent to cry for free. Known then as the Chadwick became a symbol of good sense to car owners around the world. But no sooner had Chadwick Industries become a leading multi-million dollar industry than tragedy struck. Mr. and Mrs. Chadwick were killed tragically in a freak industrial accident involving millions of gallons of propine solution. But all was not lost. For the Chadwicks had left behind their only child, Abelonia, who returned from Kathmandu to take hold of the company's reins. The changes were made. Remember that as you work at this company nestled in the grand hills of Haven Bay that you're doing your part to make our cars a better place to smell. Propine is an ecologically sound product and a socially conscious statement with an equally opportune opportunity for all.

Bobby! Well, I think we better end this chapter of the tales of Haven Bay right here. You'll just have to wait for the next one. This project was supported in part by a grant from the Alaska State Council on the Arts with Distribution Made Possible by the Alaska Public Radio Network. Tales of Haven Bay was produced at Raven Radio in Sitka, Alaska. Haven Bay, Episode 7 The last time we saw that young television reporter Robert Nob, he was watching the new industrial film that his latest flame, the girl that owns the factory had made. Well, he was doing more than that, but we had to leave before we knew exactly what.

All I can say is that he does look a little tired this morning. Good morning, Bob. I've told you, Darlene, please. My name is Robert. Robert K. Nob. I don't like to be called Bob. I'm sure I must have told you that. I am Bob. Uh-huh. Say, wasn't that your car I saw outside of Abelonia Chadwick's house this morning at about three o'clock? My car? No, it couldn't have been. No way. Nope. You sure? 64 Corvere? Primer Red? With the three-quarter inch wire, cabled around the hood to hold the drive train in? Yeah, but there's a couple of cars in town like that. Come on, Bob. Corvere. Lots of gum wrappers in the ash tray? Yeah. A red, hefty man jack behind the rear seat that pokes you in the small of the back when you lie across it? Yeah. A propined tree deodorizer in the rear view mirror. Well, there you go. Couldn't have been mine. I don't have a cardiodorizer. That's one thing about the old Corvere as they sure keep their smell. Never needed a deodorizer.

Nope. Couldn't have been my car. Say, how do you happen to notice that car anyway? Oh, I was just driving by. At three in the morning, and where were you going at three in the morning? Oh, my turtle wasn't feeling well, and he was keeping me up all night with his sneezing. I just went out to see if the drugstore was open. Any luck? He was dead when I got back. What can I get you, Bob? That's Robert. I'll have the usual thanks. Okay. That's one yummy man platter. Black bread, raw fish, and bean curd. That happens. We are special today. It's only 2250. Wait, and don't forget the water with the avocado pin in it. No problem. Hey, Bill, Bob bought another one. Here I get it. That will be just a minute. Chuckie's out catching some raw fish. He went out about an hour ago, and he hasn't come back. Bob, we're out of your pet. Well, jeepers, aren't you worried about him? I mean, with all these stories about the disappearances at all. Nah, Chuckie's a pretty schooke him kid. Hey, did you hear about the fish he caught yesterday?

No. He was jigging off the culvert down by John Wilkes Booth Street, and he caught a 64-pound dolly garden. That seems kind of large, doesn't it? Well, it used to be. But boy, you wouldn't believe some of the fish they're bringing in. You know how they have the fish photographing ceremony down at the loyal brotherhood of the Humpey Hall? Whenever a member catches a record fish? Sure, I've covered them for the TV station. I get a kick out of it when they dunk the brother Humpey in the Vat of Tartar sauce and then sing the Humpey theme. Sure, those guys are just having some good, clean fun. But they're running out of tartar sauce in town because they've been having those ceremonies about three times a week. Well, doggy side meat hasn't sobered up in four days. Every time he gets close, someone else catches a record fish and he has to go down to the hall and celebrate all over again. The fish are getting that much bigger. Huh, there could be a story there. Thanks for the tip. No sweat. Well, look who's here. Miss Abelone a Chadwick. You just sit down next to Mr. Nob here. I'm sure you've met. How could you remain your money? Thank you. Oh, Robert.

Last night was a little bit of habit. I think you changed my life. I was scheduled to go have my liver flushed at noon, but I had to find you. Keep your voice down. Stay here in order. Keep darling busy. I've got to go out and burn my cardio to riser. What? What is that? I'd sure like to know more about this epidemic of big fish. Guess we'll just have to keep listening to the tales of Haven Bay. This project was supported in part by a grant from the Alaska State Council on the Arts, with distribution made possible by the Alaska Public Radio Network. Tales of Haven Bay was produced at Raven Radio in Sitka, Alaska. Haven Bay Program 8 A lot of folks in Haven Bay work at the Pro Pying Plant.

I have to laugh whenever I talk to someone who thinks all factory workers are alike. Sometimes factory workers can surprise you. Hey, Simon, where are you going? It's almost lunch hour. I'm flying up to see there's no industrial film about the plant. Oh, yeah. It's not yesterday. It wasn't wild about the production values. Too much burn, man. It's not enough hitchcock. One on a plank. No, it's the same old story that feed every new recruit who goes to work here. A old man, Chad, who's barely scraping along selling other products until the pro pines. That was discovered. A while below and you left the guru and came back to run the place after the folks fell into the bed. How's it changed the Chad wig from a reach shape to a happy face? And we named the Pro Pying, you know this story. Oh, well. Maybe I could catch 40 wanks during it. I was up too late at the bare pit last night. Try to stay awake long enough to catch the day for night shots that he used during the bit about the secret process for making pro pines.

Some beautifully framed. Secret process. They'll tell me they're still handing out that line. Yeah, maybe coming knowledge here that Edison Watson wanted came up with using the fish heads to make the fine scent. But the company don't like to let it out. I guess they think it spoils the unit. Of course, that's no one knows exactly how well it's been got fish parts that smell like pine farts. I guess it still is a secret. One thing's for sure. What does it mean, darling, because he's too sharp, and I've alone your Chad wig ain't done, because she's too spaced out. Here's Mr. White to see you, Dr. Face. Oh, thank you, Mr. S. Well, come in, come in, Barney, walk. Watch the problem. Very funny, Doc. It's my finger.

Your finger? Oh, I was hoping it was a real problem. No, no real problem, Doc. Set my fingers, bleeding on your couch here. Well, perhaps while I bandage it, you could lie down and tell me about your childhood. No, Doc, you wouldn't be interested in my childhood. I sure never was. I just got to get my finger sold up. My bear, Esmeralda, plumb took it off last night. Your bear couldn't get the scales off a salmon with a full anife, Barney. Now, what really happened? Oh, all right. I broke a glass while I was washing up after lunch. I see. And how long have you felt this need to aggrandize yourself, Mr. White? Oh, no, Doc. You're not going to trick me with any of that psychiatrist stuff. But I am a psychiatrist, Barney. Now, now everyone here knows you're a psychiatrist, and we all bet you're a good one, too. But face it, face. You're still a doctor, right? A real MD. Yes. Well, there you go, Doc. I know how frustrating it must be for you.

But folks in Haven Bay don't need a shrink. They need a Doc, Doc. You might lose a finger here, but you never lose your peace of mind. Oh, well, I know, Mr. Wash. This may sting a bit. So you see, Doc, you're, ah, watch it. You're going to have to resign yourself to plain old medicine. Ah, don't yank so hard on the guard. Early you must have some problems, Barney. Perhaps a deep-rooted fear? Well, how about your libido? No, we don't serve any of that Italian stuff. Just good American beer. Well, thanks for the fix up, Doc. I got to go. Next time you're in the bear pit, I'll buy you one. Oh, well, only someone in Haven Bay was really depressed. Somehow, I don't like the way that sounded. I wonder long, just what lines Dr. Face is thinking. Don't you?

This project was supported in part by a grant from the Alaska State Council on the Arts with Distribution Made Possible by the Alaska Public Radio Network. Tales of Haven Bay was produced at Raven Radio in Sitka, Alaska. Haven Bay, Episode 9. Like a lot of towns in Alaska, a large part of Haven Bay's daily life has to do with fishing. Lots of skippers and lots of crew members dream of the big fish, but not all of them actually get to exceed them.

Good day's work, boys. You go on now. It's getting dark. I need to clean a few things up first. You're going to meet us at the bear pit? Yeah, it's Old Barney. I'd sit in at the public game again tonight. I promised him a chance to win back the money I took off him last week. I don't know. Skipper, you give Barney a chance and he'll take it. Well, heck, I don't need no more money. Haven't got any poor relatives. The crew is kind of hoping you'd put it into the boat. You know, resulting in a safer and more lucrative fishing experience for all of us crew members who have families, obligations. Yeah, I figured out by some fancy piece of Japanese electronics and be the rest of the way in Hawaii. You're the boss, Skipper. See you at the pit. Okay, now what did I leave that prospectus yesterday? There it is. No, it's a landing. You can't see a blinking thing in this light. It's because it's the old dwarf doesn't mean they have to let it like they were 18 years old.

Keep it clean for the tourists, I guess. Tourists don't have to... Ow! For the love of Mike, you can't see a thing in this. Hey, what's that? My god, it's gigantic. What's the biggest fish I've ever seen? It couldn't be a salmon. It sure looks like one. It must be 150 feet long. Big is a drop. Big is a... oh, a submarine. It's beautiful. It's terrifying. And beautiful. And terrifying. Beautiful. Terrific. Beautiful. Terrific. Beautiful. Terrific. It's gone.

You, sir, is this the old dwarf? Big is damn fish I ever saw. What's that? Big is fish. Big is salmon. Big is a trawler. Beautiful. Terrific. Beautiful. You say you saw a big fish? Yes. Well, I'm glad I'm here to help. My name's Boris Beaumont. I'm a professional consumer advocate. You're not from around here, are you? You wouldn't be from Anchorage, would you? Listen, it's about my boat loan. Oh, no, I'm from Washington State. Just east of Ed Wienerco. And you can't help me, mister. I'm just going crazy. Or if I'm not, then the world's going crazy. Well, either way, as a professional consumer advocate, I'm trained to handle such cases. I thought you guys just wrote books. Oh, that's research advocacy. I'm clinical. Here, sit down. Now, you'll obviously need a psychiatrist, and as an informed consumer, you should make sure to get the best one. You can often judge by the kind of questions they'll ask. For instance, I'll ask you a sample question.

It was gigantic. But I don't really know anything about mental illness. Let's see. Something I'm familiar with. Oh, okay. Tell me. When you were a child, how did you feel about your mother's buying habits? This forest Beaumont seems an earnest enough young man. Why is it that I have a funny feeling about him? This project was supported in part by a grant from the Alaska State Council on the Arts, with distribution made possible by the Alaska Public Radio Network. Tales of Haven Bay was produced at Raven Radio in Sitka, Alaska. Haven Bay Episode 10 Haven Bay is a place that you might know Haven Bay is a rascans call it home.

People are generally happy here in Haven Bay, so you wouldn't expect a town this size to be able to support a full-time psychiatrist, and you'd be right. Even though Richard Face would like very much to be a big-time shrink, the few patients that do come to him are more concerned with their broken arms than the state of their psyche. Cordia, please send in the next patient, missus. I'm sorry, Dr. Face, but there is no next patient. Oh, what about Mrs. Ranch? She was having trouble with depression and anxiety over her stepdaughter. I'm sorry, Dr. but Mrs. Ranch and her stepdaughter have gone on their dream vacation to a land of Florida. They won't be back for weeks. Oh, what about Philly Bluster? He was really a wreck the last time I saw him. I'm sorry, Dr. but Mr. Buster is on a second honeymoon. We just got a postcard from him. He says that he's having the time of his life, and thanks you for all of your help.

Should I bring it in? No, what about that writer? A Hormel tube steak or whatever he calls himself these days. He was a complete basket case. Don't tell me he's not coming in. Well, Dr. Mr. Tube steak is back at work on another one of his long obscure and unpublishable novels. He calls to say that he's feeling good about himself, now that he realizes he's only motivated by the pure love of the craft, and is no longer trouble knowing that no one will better publish his work. He's starting a novel and is dedicating it to you. It's a laughter. It's called the Guns of Vienna. When he's done with it, he's going to have the manuscript burned and the ashes scattered at sea. Holy cow, this makes me angry. Something must be done about this outbreak of mental health. A Western for Pete's sake. The radio. The radio, of course. All their station plays as a sickening upbeat music. This happy news and information format, and that voice that confident and self-assured voice,

with a hint of wholesome sexual innuendo. Of course, it's making people feel good about themselves. It's making people feel good about their partners. It's making people feel good about their chosen sexual preference. It's got to go. If only I could get the station to change its format. Something a little more depressed. I mean realistic. There is a financial angle to it. Perhaps I could get glorious scolding to accept a little business proposition. Yes. Yes. I could get her to come in. Yes, this missus. I'm so doubted that you have a phone call. She won't give a name, but I believe it's the woman that is the woman that earns the crowd pat. She's been in the system by talking to you.

Thank you missus. I remember we always respect our clients' confidentiality, and we should always try and protect their identities if we can. You may put her on. Yes, Dr. Faith. And I'll try and remember. Darling, is that you? I've been miserable without you these last few hours. Why, Peach Flaw? We just had lunch together and it's only 1.30 now. No, I know, but it seems like an eternity. I'm so unhappy. Oh, wonderful. I think of you every second. It's like an unhealthy obsession. Good, good. I can't bear the thought of not seeing you again. If I think of you leaving Haven though, I'd begin to think of cutting my head off with a skill so much. Excellent, very good. Darling, what do you mean? Well, not good for you, of course. When can we go away together? You know I can't afford that now my practice is very slow.

Can't we afford to take a little trip? We could have some time just to ourselves, perhaps a Paris or a Berlin, and just a little getaway. Duck kicks. The way things are now, we can't afford to go to whom it's sound on the turn around. But darling, what are we to do? My need for you is urgent. I am miserable. Are you really unhappy? Oh, yes. Have you been watching too much TV and overeating? Yes, yes. Have you been sluggish around the house and do you hate yourself when anything good happens? Yes, yes. Birds, you make me hot when you are depressed. Can you meet me at the bingo motel in ten minutes? Of course, we'll be thirteen. I'll be there. Missist, see if you can get me an appointment with the radio station manager tomorrow for lunch, and then make reservations for two. Anywhere but the crab bot.

This project was supported in part by a grant from the Alaska State Council on the Arts, with distribution made possible by the Alaska Public Radio Network. Tales of Haven Bay was produced at Raven Radio in Sitka, Alaska. Haven Bay Episode 11 There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in going to see a psychiatrist. People aren't ashamed of going to a podiatrist for bunions, are they? So why worry about going to a doctor for mental bunions? Yet a lot of ordinary people seemed to be embarrassed about it. Hello, and welcome to the Haven Bay Happy Day Health Claire Clinic. Do you have an appointment?

No, what are you kidding? I would never come to a place like this. I have no appointment, but I must see the doctor immediately. You needn't worry about your identity. All of our patients' visits are strictly confidential, so you may take the gas mask off your head if you would be more comfortable. This is a small pound. What would happen if someone recognized me coming in here? But there is no one in the waiting room, and there hasn't been for several days. Who is going to recognize you? Oh my recognize me. You little shicks, huh? But I do recognize you. At least your voice and your plastic-covered red rubber boots. You're Mrs. Crepla. You want to know how much longer these boots last this way? And my name isn't Crepla. It's...it's...why Maranna? Miss Doreen? Why Maranna? Alright, Miss Why Mariner. Social security number? Oh, yes. It's 1,2,3, 4,5, 6,7,8. Let's see, that's 1,2,3, 4,5, 6,7,8. That's very interesting social security number.

Where was that issue to you? Moscow, you nit! Now, now let me see the back door. I can tell you a family you fought out of noisiness school. Let's move it! Alright, Dr. Face, you have someone here to see you. It seems urgent. Oh, yeah, it's a submarine. Dr. Face just happens to have an opening. You may go right in. Mrs. Crepla, why are you wearing that mask over your head? You call yourself a doctor. I suppose if you were a plastic surgeon, you'd ask me where I got this face. How old are you? Are you sure you're a doctor? You don't look like you just got off your paper route. Maybe I'm still in the waiting room. Okay, Sunny, where's the doctor? I assure you, Mrs. Crepla, that I am a doctor. Now please sit anywhere you like. This is Davenport, been cleaned lately.

There are a few little blood stains, but not any food. I'll sit in your chair. Dr., I got the most frightening experience. Oh, why don't you tell me about it? I was just about to until you interrupted me. My husband, Isaac, and I were out in our skiff, the Golden Heine Quarter. It was sometime like last week. Well, you know it sucked the rocking of the door to it, which is thus something to him. Boyce, he takes his guitar out and starts singing to me. Oh, it was lovely, down by the old new stream. That's my baby, Norwegian wood. Then he starts kissing my back. Hmm, it sounds pleasant. What is there a problem? We were still tied up in a boat harbor, people everywhere. Kids dog, the water patrol, or watching as Isaac tries to put the moves on. But anyway, that's not what I came to talk about. It was later, we finally make it out to a little cold.

We anchored up, and we were eating our lunch. A little wine, a little smoked turkey, some kosher dill. And then, here comes Isaac, back with the heavy moves. So, I'm trying to ignore him. It's best to ignore him, especially when he's rubbing my feet and greeting the poetry of Leonard Nimoy. So, he's rubbing my feet and I'm looking in the water and doctor. I see the most amazing thing. I saw what looked like a long, silvery fish. I'm sure it was a salmon. Are you sure it wasn't a foil? Hey, you don't eat locks for as long as I have. And not know what a salmon looks like. Now, let me see. Your husband is trying to make love to you in a skiff out on the ocean, and you imagine that you see a giant fish. Psychologically, it seems pretty straightforward, but I don't think you're going to like it.

Listen, sunny. Don't make with the dirty mind, okay? I just want to know if it's safe to have Isaac rub my feet and read me poetry. Well, how do you feel about fish? Love it? Cream cheese, a little hard roll? But you didn't see this one, doctor? It was a monster. It frightened me. In that case, you better have it, so I rub his own feet for a while, at least until we can get this cleared up. I'll need to see you next week. Oh, and before you go, I'll need your address for billing purposes, you know. Send the bill to a green wine mariner. Box A, any town USA, 1-1-1-1-2. Any town? It's my account in the office. Well, I suppose it's as natural for the folks at the Loxca Boots to dream about big fish as it is for the fishermen. But actually seeing? Well, at least it's good for the doctor's business.

People must be imagining it, mustn't they? This project was supported in part by a grant from the Alaska State Council on the Arts, with distribution made possible by the Alaska Public Radio Network. Tales of Haven Bay was produced at Raven Radio in Sitka, Alaska.